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Post by Jaeger on May 14, 2017 18:29:42 GMT
So yes, it may be about control issues, but less in a control freak kind of way, and more in being able to at least influence my own outcomes, and have better control of my own situation, whatever those outcomes may be. On this point: You make a compelling argument, but beware the level of investment you make in learning about the disorder, identifying her particular issues, and strategizing to "help" her overcome them.
Former partners of disordered people (whether Avoidant or otherwise) tend to get sucked down into a vortex of reading, learning, fixing. I'm not saying this is you, but I am saying it's easy to get to that point and it's something to be aware of.
Some of it may be simply out of intellectual curiosity. But if you find yourself engaging in a lot of "what ifs" (e.g. your post on whether her disappearance was engulfment or rejection-based), coupled with voracious reading on the disorder and how it may be "managed" to the point where a future relationship might be possible, then you might be drifting into Control Issue territory, rather than "controlling your own situation."
In the event of a breakup, I think everyone composes a personal narrative on what happened to make it come to that conclusion. Understanding something intellectually can be a big help in closing off a chapter and moving on. I think the danger is when you use said knowledge to endlessly ruminate over what you could have done differently or letting the fear of a repeat in the future keep you from attempting a more successful pairing in future. Also, it's good to pair that intellectual understanding with another bit of it; knowing something does not equate to being able to change it. |
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Post by robnew on May 14, 2017 20:14:37 GMT
Yeah I guess that's natural, to try and get a handle on things.
Thankfully I'm not one to overly ruminate on what ifs. I mean I do look back on what I may have done, and any effect it may have had, it's inevitable, but only to understand it and so, rather than dwell on regret, it's more to see if I can learn from it. As such, I tend to feel that what's done is done, and can't be changed, and use any knowledge gained for the future.
Nor do I let things deter me in future. If anything, the more I understand, the more confident I am about it.
So yes, knowledge and understanding of the past can't change it, and only make you better equipped for the future.
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Post by robnew on May 15, 2017 20:37:12 GMT
In the event of a breakup, I think everyone composes a personal narrative on what happened to make it come to that conclusion. That's a good point too, as it is something we do. In truth, in many instances it's simply a case of boy meets girl, and then one party loses interest and moves on. At that point it's natural for the still interested party to choose to ignore the obvious and try to find some deeper, hidden reason. Possibly as a challenge to overcome, or even just an insurmountable obstacle that has to be accepted. I guess then that's why I went into such detail in my posts, as it's hard to see the wood for the trees when you're the one in the middle of it, and so can be blind to the obvious, in the search for a deeper reason. Perhaps I wanted an outside perspective, to tell me that it was just the usual case, as that's something I've dealt with before, know how to fix, and know what to do, so would feel in control. A disorder however is an entirely different matter as, no matter how much you understand, how strong your desire, and even how much you progress you make, deep down you know it's futile, as even if you do fix any current situation, it's only a matter of time before you're back to square one again. So, having reflected, it's now hard to say whether I was actually asking for help to reconcile with a disordered ex, or if deep down was hoping someone would tell me I was imagining it, and that it was all normal relationship stuff that I could deal with. So thanks for that, it really is an interesting discussion, as you have led me to reflect, and made me analyse my own deeper thoughts and reasons. |
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