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Post by kathy94 on Dec 15, 2018 21:08:35 GMT
So I came up with some “boundaries” for me with my FA guy. I’m not going to have sex with him until I get that commitment that I truly need. Where he is calling me his girlfriend etc. I’m not doing this to get back at him but to also protect myself. Also I’m not going to be exclusive with him unless he wants to be my official boyfriend and I’m going to make sure we both have an understanding of each others needs. I am still open to seeing eachother but I’m not going to give him the girlfriend benefits without him giving me security. Are these what everyone is talking about with boundaries? Right now he isn’t talking with me so I am going to go NC for a month and I could reach out again later. Thoughts?
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 16, 2018 3:02:51 GMT
So I came up with some “boundaries” for me with my FA guy. I’m not going to have sex with him until I get that commitment that I truly need. Where he is calling me his girlfriend etc. I’m not doing this to get back at him but to also protect myself. Also I’m not going to be exclusive with him unless he wants to be my official boyfriend and I’m going to make sure we both have an understanding of each others needs. I am still open to seeing eachother but I’m not going to give him the girlfriend benefits without him giving me security. Are these what everyone is talking about with boundaries? Right now he isn’t talking with me so I am going to go NC for a month and I could reach out again later. Thoughts? Those boundaries are good...I just would wait until you see him again and tell them those boundaries in person. I would also phrase them a bit differently....something along the lines of...."I really enjoy spending time with you....but I am uncomfortable with the amount of physical intimacy we have undertaken without a committed relationship. As such, I want to understand where you see things between the two of us so we can adjust our interactions accordingly"....something along those lines keeps the conversation open and curious. |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 16, 2018 12:27:28 GMT
So I came up with some “boundaries” for me with my FA guy. I’m not going to have sex with him until I get that commitment that I truly need. Where he is calling me his girlfriend etc. I’m not doing this to get back at him but to also protect myself. Also I’m not going to be exclusive with him unless he wants to be my official boyfriend and I’m going to make sure we both have an understanding of each others needs. I am still open to seeing eachother but I’m not going to give him the girlfriend benefits without him giving me security. Are these what everyone is talking about with boundaries? Right now he isn’t talking with me so I am going to go NC for a month and I could reach out again later. Thoughts? Those boundaries are good...I just would wait until you see him again and tell them those boundaries in person. I would also phrase them a bit differently....something along the lines of...."I really enjoy spending time with you....but I am uncomfortable with the amount of physical intimacy we have undertaken without a committed relationship. As such, I want to understand where you see things between the two of us so we can adjust our interactions accordingly"....something along those lines keeps the conversation open and curious. Right now he is refusing to talk to me. Do you think he is being serious this time where he doesn’t even want to hook up with me anymore? I got so scared of losing him I said I’d be open to that. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2018 13:12:16 GMT
Those boundaries are good...I just would wait until you see him again and tell them those boundaries in person. I would also phrase them a bit differently....something along the lines of...."I really enjoy spending time with you....but I am uncomfortable with the amount of physical intimacy we have undertaken without a committed relationship. As such, I want to understand where you see things between the two of us so we can adjust our interactions accordingly"....something along those lines keeps the conversation open and curious. Right now he is refusing to talk to me. Do you think he is being serious this time where he doesn’t even want to hook up with me anymore? I got so scared of losing him I said I’d be open to that. Dear Kathy, It's so very hard to say. I live with a textbook FA and deactivated and left me 4 times. The last time was apparently for good he said there was definitely no going back. We were apart 2mths. He was up and down with his messaging. One day telling me he still loved me but what's done is done. The next day saying we need to text each other less...it is mind messing stuff to an anxious preoccupied partner like myself. In the end I took him at his word and stop texting him, " it was generally once a day and he always replied or he text me first". It was about a week of no texting and I got a text asking was I ok, and how he still cares for me 😵😵😵. I just looked at the message for ages really not knowing what the hell to do. My heart was racing and I was so confused by it all. REALLY SHOULD LOVE BE SO HARD 😥. I didn't react or respond that evening as I was really worn down with all the mixed messages and emotions. I was just starting to learn about atta |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2018 13:34:14 GMT
Those boundaries are good...I just would wait until you see him again and tell them those boundaries in person. I would also phrase them a bit differently....something along the lines of...."I really enjoy spending time with you....but I am uncomfortable with the amount of physical intimacy we have undertaken without a committed relationship. As such, I want to understand where you see things between the two of us so we can adjust our interactions accordingly"....something along those lines keeps the conversation open and curious. Right now he is refusing to talk to me. Do you think he is being serious this time where he doesn’t even want to hook up with me anymore? I got so scared of losing him I said I’d be open to that. Dear Kathy, It's so very hard to say. I live with a textbook FA and deactivated and left me 4 times. The last time was apparently for good he said there was definitely no going back. We were apart 2mths. He was up and down with his messaging. One day telling me he still loved me but what's done is done. The next day saying we need to text each other less...it is mind messing stuff to an anxious preoccupied partner like myself. In the end I took him at his word and stop texting him, " it was generally once a day and he always replied or he text me first". It was about a week of no texting and I got a text asking was I ok, and how he still cares for me 😵😵😵. I just looked at the message for ages really not knowing what the hell to do. My heart was racing and I was so confused by it all. REALLY SHOULD LOVE BE SO HARD 😥. I didn't react or respond that evening as I was really worn down with all the mixed messages and emotions. I was just starting to learn about attachment trauma and started to have a better understanding of my own behaviour so I just slept on things and never replied until the next evening. The impression he was giving me was HE didn't even know what he wants, and I knew in my heart I still wanted to be with him but I mustn't rush into anything just because he was texting me again. The texting continued back and fourth for a couple off weeks until he asked in such a round about way to come back" he asked me if I wanted a lodger for a few weeks" that was his way of wanting to come back to me. That was nearly 4mths ago and things are going ok, but as two insecurly attached individuals it doesn't flow as easy as it should, but definitely getting better on both sides. Both myself and my partner are alot older and should be wiser by all accounts but this attachment trauma stuff is so engrained is us its depressing and really very sad. Take care X |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 16, 2018 15:19:29 GMT
Those boundaries are good...I just would wait until you see him again and tell them those boundaries in person. I would also phrase them a bit differently....something along the lines of...."I really enjoy spending time with you....but I am uncomfortable with the amount of physical intimacy we have undertaken without a committed relationship. As such, I want to understand where you see things between the two of us so we can adjust our interactions accordingly"....something along those lines keeps the conversation open and curious. Right now he is refusing to talk to me. Do you think he is being serious this time where he doesn’t even want to hook up with me anymore? I got so scared of losing him I said I’d be open to that. Kathy...don't compromise what you want in order to win him back...it won't work, sorry to say I have done that and it just prolongs the confusion and delays the healing. I know as an AP it is very hard to separate your actions from his responses....but his silence is about him and his wounds...it says nothing about your worth unless you tie it. You are a beautiful woman who deserves a partner who will be able to meet you needs. It really sounds like this guy could not. |
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 16, 2018 15:39:42 GMT
I was always open with my feeling to my avoidant and he ignored them/ran. Every time.
I will not hold back expressing healthy emotions/my needs because it may trigger him, he wants to run, I let him. You cant chase a runner, they just run faster. Its not about me and I will not sacrifice myself holding back about what I want/need.
you cannot hinder yourself for another to win them over, etc. You have to be yourself and accept the fact it will trigger him and he may run, its not about you nor is it your problem. What is your problem is holding back yourself for another.
Not giving GF benefits to someone youre not committed to is healthy and a normal no matter what their attachment is if you're wanting a committed relashionship. Just dont do it to see if this will win him over, same with no contact. No contact is a time to reflect on yourself. Dont do a month/put some time limit on it, just stay no contact, no contact is for you not him.
You need to reflect on why youre so scared to lose a guy that wont give you what you need nor is capable to give you what you need at this time. Youre willing to sacrifice commitment/your needs and have sex with him just to keep him around. This should be a focus during no contact as this is not something healthy.
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 16, 2018 19:45:41 GMT
Right now he is refusing to talk to me. Do you think he is being serious this time where he doesn’t even want to hook up with me anymore? I got so scared of losing him I said I’d be open to that. Dear Kathy, It's so very hard to say. I live with a textbook FA and deactivated and left me 4 times. The last time was apparently for good he said there was definitely no going back. We were apart 2mths. He was up and down with his messaging. One day telling me he still loved me but what's done is done. The next day saying we need to text each other less...it is mind messing stuff to an anxious preoccupied partner like myself. In the end I took him at his word and stop texting him, " it was generally once a day and he always replied or he text me first". It was about a week of no texting and I got a text asking was I ok, and how he still cares for me 😵😵😵. I just looked at the message for ages really not knowing what the hell to do. My heart was racing and I was so confused by it all. REALLY SHOULD LOVE BE SO HARD 😥. I didn't react or respond that evening as I was really worn down with all the mixed messages and emotions. I was just starting to learn about attachment trauma and started to have a better understanding of my own behaviour so I just slept on things and never replied until the next evening. The impression he was giving me was HE didn't even know what he wants, and I knew in my heart I still wanted to be with him but I mustn't rush into anything just because he was texting me again. The texting continued back and fourth for a couple off weeks until he asked in such a round about way to come back" he asked me if I wanted a lodger for a few weeks" that was his way of wanting to come back to me. That was nearly 4mths ago and things are going ok, but as two insecurly attached individuals it doesn't flow as easy as it should, but definitely getting better on both sides. Both myself and my partner are alot older and should be wiser by all accounts but this attachment trauma stuff is so engrained is us its depressing and really very sad. Take care X [br Thank you so much for your reply. He hasn’t ever been this extreme before but I was thinking about it and this is the first I told him that I was just going to go meet someone else who actually wanted to be exclusive with me and then I went on to say that I didn’t want to be his friend. That’s when he immediately blocked me? I think that’s the most firm I’ve ever been with him and maybe that’s why he is not talking to me right now for so long? That was of course before I apologize the next day and gave the impression that I wasn’t going anywhere. |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 16, 2018 19:51:03 GMT
Right now he is refusing to talk to me. Do you think he is being serious this time where he doesn’t even want to hook up with me anymore? I got so scared of losing him I said I’d be open to that. Kathy...don't compromise what you want in order to win him back...it won't work, sorry to say I have done that and it just prolongs the confusion and delays the healing. I know as an AP it is very hard to separate your actions from his responses....but his silence is about him and his wounds...it says nothing about your worth unless you tie it. You are a beautiful woman who deserves a partner who will be able to meet you needs. It really sounds like this guy could not. The thing that bothers me is with his old girlfriend (the one that he had in high school for five years that went into college) he was as his friend described,” obsessed” with her he was completely different with her then he is with me right now. I don’t know if that is because he just never had feelings for me |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 16, 2018 19:52:41 GMT
I was always open with my feeling to my avoidant and he ignored them/ran. Every time. I will not hold back expressing healthy emotions/my needs because it may trigger him, he wants to run, I let him. You cant chase a runner, they just run faster. Its not about me and I will not sacrifice myself holding back about what I want/need. you cannot hinder yourself for another to win them over, etc. You have to be yourself and accept the fact it will trigger him and he may run, its not about you nor is it your problem. What is your problem is holding back yourself for another. Not giving GF benefits to someone youre not committed to is healthy and a normal no matter what their attachment is if you're wanting a committed relashionship. Just dont do it to see if this will win him over, same with no contact. No contact is a time to reflect on yourself. Dont do a month/put some time limit on it, just stay no contact, no contact is for you not him. You need to reflect on why youre so scared to lose a guy that wont give you what you need nor is capable to give you what you need at this time. Youre willing to sacrifice commitment/your needs and have sex with him just to keep him around. This should be a focus during no contact as this is not something healthy. Thank you for your reply. Do you think he’s going to eventually reach out again? I’m just trying to have a game plan so I’m emotionally able to handle it. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2018 19:57:51 GMT
Dear Kathy, It's so very hard to say. I live with a textbook FA and deactivated and left me 4 times. The last time was apparently for good he said there was definitely no going back. We were apart 2mths. He was up and down with his messaging. One day telling me he still loved me but what's done is done. The next day saying we need to text each other less...it is mind messing stuff to an anxious preoccupied partner like myself. In the end I took him at his word and stop texting him, " it was generally once a day and he always replied or he text me first". It was about a week of no texting and I got a text asking was I ok, and how he still cares for me 😵😵😵. I just looked at the message for ages really not knowing what the hell to do. My heart was racing and I was so confused by it all. REALLY SHOULD LOVE BE SO HARD 😥. I didn't react or respond that evening as I was really worn down with all the mixed messages and emotions. I was just starting to learn about attachment trauma and started to have a better understanding of my own behaviour so I just slept on things and never replied until the next evening. The impression he was giving me was HE didn't even know what he wants, and I knew in my heart I still wanted to be with him but I mustn't rush into anything just because he was texting me again. The texting continued back and fourth for a couple off weeks until he asked in such a round about way to come back" he asked me if I wanted a lodger for a few weeks" that was his way of wanting to come back to me. That was nearly 4mths ago and things are going ok, but as two insecurly attached individuals it doesn't flow as easy as it should, but definitely getting better on both sides. Both myself and my partner are alot older and should be wiser by all accounts but this attachment trauma stuff is so engrained is us its depressing and really very sad. Take care X [br Thank you so much for your reply. He hasn’t ever been this extreme before but I was thinking about it and this is the first I told him that I was just going to go meet someone else who actually wanted to be exclusive with me and then I went on to say that I didn’t want to be his friend. That’s when he immediately blocked me? I think that’s the most firm I’ve ever been with him and maybe that’s why he is not talking to me right now for so long? That was of course before I apologize the next day and gave the impression that I wasn’t going anywhere. Kathy I totally get what your saying. Whenever I made statements of moving on my FA would say yes it's best you move on and find someone amazing that you deserve because your amazing then he would shut down. It was after such a conversation with my bf when we were broken up that he actually went and slept with a woman he was in an emotional relationship with throughout our relationship. Once he had sex with her he ghosted her and it was the very next day he made contact with me again after no contact for a week. |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 16, 2018 21:48:53 GMT
[br Thank you so much for your reply. He hasn’t ever been this extreme before but I was thinking about it and this is the first I told him that I was just going to go meet someone else who actually wanted to be exclusive with me and then I went on to say that I didn’t want to be his friend. That’s when he immediately blocked me? I think that’s the most firm I’ve ever been with him and maybe that’s why he is not talking to me right now for so long? That was of course before I apologize the next day and gave the impression that I wasn’t going anywhere. Kathy I totally get what your saying. Whenever I made statements of moving on my FA would say yes it's best you move on and find someone amazing that you deserve because your amazing then he would shut down. It was after such a conversation with my bf when we were broken up that he actually went and slept with a woman he was in an emotional relationship with throughout our relationship. Once he had sex with her he ghosted her and it was the very next day he made contact with me again after no contact for a week. It’s like they are just testing you to see if you’ll leave? |
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 16, 2018 22:26:55 GMT
I was always open with my feeling to my avoidant and he ignored them/ran. Every time. I will not hold back expressing healthy emotions/my needs because it may trigger him, he wants to run, I let him. You cant chase a runner, they just run faster. Its not about me and I will not sacrifice myself holding back about what I want/need. you cannot hinder yourself for another to win them over, etc. You have to be yourself and accept the fact it will trigger him and he may run, its not about you nor is it your problem. What is your problem is holding back yourself for another. Not giving GF benefits to someone youre not committed to is healthy and a normal no matter what their attachment is if you're wanting a committed relashionship. Just dont do it to see if this will win him over, same with no contact. No contact is a time to reflect on yourself. Dont do a month/put some time limit on it, just stay no contact, no contact is for you not him. You need to reflect on why youre so scared to lose a guy that wont give you what you need nor is capable to give you what you need at this time. Youre willing to sacrifice commitment/your needs and have sex with him just to keep him around. This should be a focus during no contact as this is not something healthy. Thank you for your reply. Do you think he’s going to eventually reach out again? I’m just trying to have a game plan so I’m emotionally able to handle it. I dont know. You played games with him and did hurtful things.
There is no such game plan for that. Your game plan should be working on yourself so you're stable all around, its not about how 'handle' him. You need to handle yourself.
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 16, 2018 22:50:12 GMT
Thank you for your reply. Do you think he’s going to eventually reach out again? I’m just trying to have a game plan so I’m emotionally able to handle it. I dont know. You played games with him and did hurtful things.
There is no such game plan for that. Your game plan should be working on yourself so you're stable all around, its not about how 'handle' him. You need to handle yourself.
Can you please explain to me what I did that was hurtful? And how I played games? I’m not disagreeing I genuinely would like to know. Maybe I’m not seeing what I’m doing wrong |
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 16, 2018 23:07:35 GMT
I dont know. You played games with him and did hurtful things.
There is no such game plan for that. Your game plan should be working on yourself so you're stable all around, its not about how 'handle' him. You need to handle yourself.
Can you please explain to me what I did that was hurtful? And how I played games? I’m not disagreeing I genuinely would like to know. Maybe I’m not seeing what I’m doing wrong Reading in your other threads, saying one thing, then taking it back, etc. These are games, you said/did things for a reaction and not staying true to yourself. Avoidants already have trust issues and you acted in a distrustful way.
How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot and they said/did those things to you?
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