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Post by happyidiot on Aug 8, 2018 22:37:09 GMT
EDIT to update: Maybe people should disregard this because I have since realized I am actually more FA than AP, so while I do have a heavy dose of AP and can feel very AP in certain relationships, I don't know whether or not my experience would hold true for someone who is straight AP.
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Another AP usually scares me off fast because the ones I've met tend to be far more anxious in behavior than me and display strong attachment after the first date or even before it. They tend to be people I already was not sure if I was attracted to and just agreed to go on a date with because I don't expect love at first sight and am trying to broaden my horizons. When they act obsessed with me super fast and send me 10 texts because I don't reply for a couple hours when I wasn't even feeling any chemistry myself, I find it off-putting and assume they are desperate for a relationship with anyone and don't really care who with. It brings out avoidant feelings in me, but because I am AP myself and a very compassionate person I never ghost them and I gently yet clearly explain to them that I don't want to keep seeing them and why. That's what I would want, proper communication. But yeah, I've never personally met an AP I wanted to go on more than a couple of dates with. I imagine perhaps it could work in theory if there were outwardly the exact same level of anxious as I am, but it's very rare that these kinds of things are even.
I've been able to maintain long-term friendships with some extreme APs by thinking/acting more like a secure and having firm boundaries etc, but they have lost some of their lustre and closeness in the learning process and I could not imagine ever dating anyone who behaved like those two friends. Perhaps if you want to put in the effort to make it work with an AP you're dating that could be a strategy?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2018 21:31:10 GMT
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 30, 2018 21:51:20 GMT
My experience thus far has been that I enjoy how easy it is to be intimate with them and that they are often very responsive to my needs, communications, and try to be understanding when I explain that I am still recovering from my break up and need some time. However, I do find myself at times being more avoidant with them, not wanting to return or initiate texts, needing to take a break from physical intimacy, wanting to make time for separateness with my friends. Does anyone have any insight into the challenges and pitfalls of these relationships? That is great! I see a lot of benefit to this situation, both in terms of mutual satisfaction and in terms of personal growth. Going back to what you would have suggested to an avoidant beau, you now have the opportunity to try these suggestions and either succeed in the endeavor or find ways to refine your approach. Experiencing the other party as anxious is also a mirror of great clarity. Knowing from personal experience how the other party experiences an anxious person can teach you a lot about how behaviours come across. Some tips: Decide in advance what an appropriate frequency of texting is, and stick to it from both points of view. Do not bring more needs to the table than you are willing to cater to. Make time for solitude Make time for other friend. Hope this helps! |
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 30, 2018 22:03:15 GMT
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 30, 2018 22:23:19 GMT
Some tips: Decide in advance what an appropriate frequency of texting is, and stick to it from both points of view.Do not bring more needs to the table than you are willing to cater to. Make time for solitude Make time for other friend. Hope this helps! Oh gosh, what if two APs just think an appropriate texting frequency is 100 times a day every day? |
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Post by mrob on Aug 30, 2018 22:27:43 GMT
I’ve seen that in action. The constant texting and phone calls were just painful. In fact, I recently had a falling out with the male in that relationship because I wasn’t putting enough effort in. Sigh. Again.
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Post by gaynxious on Sept 20, 2018 22:31:00 GMT
actually, i am going to address specifically the anxious narrative. i acknowledge that there is a very large percentage of first time anxious posters that blame their avoidant partner for the breakdown of their relationship. What is fundamental to the anxious narrative is a feeling of lack. The anxious mindset is fixated on not being able to obtain what is craved. According to the literature , this mindset endures, even in the face of someone tryin to meet their needs. Diane Poole Heller addresses this topic as do many other writers on the subject. So, in anxious-anxious relating, with both partners presumably moving TOWARD connection, ultimately without awareness of the underlying narrative, one has to become avoidant in order to perpetuate the narrative; which in dysfunctional relating, is the true driving force. Intimacy is not the goal- maintaining the narrative IS. Until awareness and change occurs. So are you saying that when an anxious person is being Pursued by a more anxious person they become avoidant as a means to come up with a problem, ie I am lacking an ideal partner because they are too needy? Thereby returning to familiar territory of feeling something is not being fulfilled? |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 20, 2018 22:54:05 GMT
gaynxious , I think it depends on how anxious both people actually are. Last time I tried to date someone AP 6 months ago, for the first minute or so I was into how attentive he was. I was winding down on AP moving towards secure, and used to dating avoidant men, so it was appealing that he was not being avoidant and seemed into me. But he turned out to be soooooooooo veeeeeeeeeeery AP. By the third "date" he was imposing on me, in the form of trying to show up when I didn't want him to to help me get some errands done, even though I asked him not to. It was too soon for him to be taking on my responsibilities when we barely knew each other. So I hadn't intended for us to go out the third time quite yet because I was still too busy. He ignored my boundaries for the sake of doing "nice" things for me (presumably so I'd have to like him better), showed up anyway, and took the opportunity to then hang around afterwards for much longer than I wanted him to (since I was busy trying to do these errands) then wanted me to make out with him. I was acting secure and directly telling him what I wanted, and he'd twist it around into what he wanted to hear. He also was projecting all over me, so it was less about me being me than me checking off his basic check list and him wanting to turn it into a deep thing right away in response. It was very strange, and reminded me of when I was in my early 20s and extremely AP (he was much older than early 20s, too old to be acting that way in my opinion but wasn't exactly far along in his healing).
If he was only slightly AP, I wouldn't have used that as an excuse to go avoidant and distance.
Someone extremely AP is going to be more emotionally unavailable and so might get turned off by a partner's secure availability or by another extreme AP's overattentiveness (because the AP partner feels empty not having to "fight" for someone's love, which is the narrative juniper is referring to). Someone mildly AP / secure will be turned off by someone extremely AP for reasons I listed above.
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