|
|
Post by stayhappy on Jan 9, 2019 6:09:40 GMT
I think that DA is much more likely to have better communication, because they dont really care if you leave. FA had a lot of anxiety about abandonment, so they have to get their needs across through all kinds of indirect ways to avoid the threat of rejection. I’m not sure if they don’t care if you leave. They may act as they don’t care but they do want conexion too. When I broke up with my DA he did care and compromised to meet in the half way. For me it is care and apreciating to have someone close. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2019 22:26:59 GMT
The FA seems to be in a constant state of confusion because their primary driver is fear, and their behaviors as a result are far less consistent. They have a lot more difficulty communicating what's going on even if asked directly because they don't understand themselves. They are scared by both intimacy and distance and tend to be more disconnected from their true selves more often, so it's more push-pull than it is needing sufficient space, alone time, independence. FA is more reactionary to whatever is going on, and their feelings seem to come and go more, and at least the ones I know have trouble differentiating what's a passing feeling versus which emotions are "true". Unaware FAs seem to just assume everything they feel is accurate at the moment, and come and go as a result. It's like you know me better than I know myself. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jan 11, 2019 22:42:20 GMT
It's like you know me better than I know myself. <3 I had 5 years of practice, with 2 FA exes driving me nuts because I was mystified by their behaviors. It took a LOT for me to understand, and they still don't know themselves. And that was after years dancing with DAs before I inadvertently switched to dating FA, ha ha. As a result, I was able to tackle my AP issues, and I hope to help other insecurely attached people understand and untangle if they're looking for answers and starting points. I enjoy your posts a lot. I think you've been doing some tremendous work. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2019 23:20:48 GMT
Thank you. I appreciate your help.
Damn my identity issues, lol. I hope I don't switch to dating other FA's though because honestly, from an objective standpoint, my behavior is crazy. I'd like to go straight to secure.
-----
Something I wanted to add in response to the thread title, and because it's what I've noticed in this forum with the different attachment style users:
APs - usually pretty patient, "soft", understanding, and empathetic
FAs - erratic, "neurotic" even, high strung, can appear empathetic but also uncaring (switching between the two even in the same post)
DAs - direct and to-the-point, stable in behavior, rigid, confident
Secure - boring (I'm joking) --> well put-together and self-contained, but not "rigidly" like a DA, not prickly, somewhat soft and somewhat hard as well, aka assertive
These are very apparent to me in the posts here. Theoretically, it should be easier to spot IRL with body language and conversation and such, but precisely because there are a lot more variables involved with real life people, and because attachment style can vary and be dynamic, it's hard to tell. That's just my general guideline anyway.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2019 6:50:17 GMT
The FA seems to be in a constant state of confusion because their primary driver is fear, and their behaviors as a result are far less consistent. They have a lot more difficulty communicating what's going on even if asked directly because they don't understand themselves. They are scared by both intimacy and distance and tend to be more disconnected from their true selves more often, so it's more push-pull than it is needing sufficient space, alone time, independence. FA is more reactionary to whatever is going on, and their feelings seem to come and go more, and at least the ones I know have trouble differentiating what's a passing feeling versus which emotions are "true". Unaware FAs seem to just assume everything they feel is accurate at the moment, and come and go as a result. It's like you know me better than I know myself. My thoughts exactly when I first read that post. Kudos to alexandra for being an unofficial expert on the FA style. Assuming every passing feeling is accurate is part of the problem of identifying FA. "Me, erratic? I'm just reacting to what is happening." |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2019 7:29:15 GMT
Something I wanted to add in response to the thread title, and because it's what I've noticed in this forum with the different attachment style users: APs - usually pretty patient, "soft", understanding, and empathetic FAs - erratic, "neurotic" even, high strung, can appear empathetic but also uncaring (switching between the two even in the same post) DAs - direct and to-the-point, stable in behavior, rigid, confident Secure - boring (I'm joking) --> well put-together and self-contained, but not "rigidly" like a DA, not prickly, somewhat soft and somewhat hard as well, aka assertive These are very apparent to me in the posts here. Theoretically, it should be easier to spot IRL with body language and conversation and such, but precisely because there are a lot more variables involved with real life people, and because attachment style can vary and be dynamic, it's hard to tell. That's just my general guideline anyway. I've paid attention to this too and it's fascinating. It may be colored somewhat by what we expect from them, knowing their style, but cognitive bias aside, there are some clear patterns in the communication. Shows how much attachment style affects our thoughts and behavior even outside of intimate relationships. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2019 15:20:54 GMT
My thoughts exactly when I first read that post. Kudos to alexandra for being an unofficial expert on the FA style. Assuming every passing feeling is accurate is part of the problem of identifying FA. "Me, erratic? I'm just reacting to what is happening." Lol! I’ve actually made that exact claim on this forum and outside of it. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2019 17:33:12 GMT
I've paid attention to this too and it's fascinating. It may be colored somewhat by what we expect from them, knowing their style, but cognitive bias aside, there are some clear patterns in the communication. Shows how much attachment style affects our thoughts and behavior even outside of intimate relationships. I do believe attachment style is one of many things that result from trauma, so it's that trauma that leaks into other aspects of our lives, and it shows up as specific attachment styles in relationships. I've said it in another thread, but CPTSD and disorganized attachment are related (I have both). DAs seem to earn more in their career. I'm not sure about APs, but I'd be interested to know more about their lives. Secures are the happiest out of the bunch, unsurprisingly. Just some things I've collected about the FA style. Also: That's totally me. I'm high functioning though, so most of the battle happens on the inside while on the outside I'm mostly  and, depending on how much I'm triggered  and  . |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2019 19:47:12 GMT
I've paid attention to this too and it's fascinating. It may be colored somewhat by what we expect from them, knowing their style, but cognitive bias aside, there are some clear patterns in the communication. Shows how much attachment style affects our thoughts and behavior even outside of intimate relationships. I do believe attachment style is one of many things that result from trauma, so it's that trauma that leaks into other aspects of our lives, and it shows up as specific attachment styles in relationships. I've said it in another thread, but CPTSD and disorganized attachment are related (I have both). DAs seem to earn more in their career. I'm not sure about APs, but I'd be interested to know more about their lives. Secures are the happiest out of the bunch, unsurprisingly. Just some things I've collected about the FA style. Also: That's totally me. I'm high functioning though, so most of the battle happens on the inside while on the outside I'm mostly and, depending on how much I'm triggered and . I can relate so much. My inner world is a chaos but I hide it well. I underperform constantly in all areas of my life. Yes, disorganized attachment is associated with many mental problems such as borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorder, PTSD/CPTSD, ADHD/ADD, phobias, anxiety and depression. These are not often mentioned in this forum but they are an important aspect of this style, something that may differentiate FAs from other attachment styles. It is called "the worst style" for a reason. Disorganized attachment is just one consequence and manifestation of this complex trauma. I have always had phobias and anxiety and many traits of all of these diagnoses. I'm going to therapy soon to find out what a nice bunch of diagnoses I can get. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jan 12, 2019 21:11:45 GMT
I do believe attachment style is one of many things that result from trauma, so it's that trauma that leaks into other aspects of our lives, and it shows up as specific attachment styles in relationships. I've said it in another thread, but CPTSD and disorganized attachment are related (I have both). DAs seem to earn more in their career. I'm not sure about APs, but I'd be interested to know more about their lives. Secures are the happiest out of the bunch, unsurprisingly. Just some things I've collected about the FA style. Also: That's totally me. I'm high functioning though, so most of the battle happens on the inside while on the outside I'm mostly and, depending on how much I'm triggered and . I can relate so much. My inner world is a chaos but I hide it well. I underperform constantly in all areas of my life. Yes, disorganized attachment is associated with many mental problems such as borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorder, PTSD/CPTSD, ADHD/ADD, phobias, anxiety and depression. These are not often mentioned in this forum but they are an important aspect of this style, something that may differentiate FAs from other attachment styles. It is called "the worst style" for a reason. Disorganized attachment is just one consequence and manifestation of this complex trauma. I have always had phobias and anxiety and many traits of all of these diagnoses. I'm going to therapy soon to find out what a nice bunch of diagnoses I can get.
All the insecure styles are difficult and the result of some sort of trauma, though FA is the most difficult. Calling it the style the requires the most work as opposed to the "worst" style has been a more optimistic approach for my friends IRL who realized they have it and are making progress. For example, one was falling apart when she looked it up on the internet and saw all that "worst" "toxic" etc... thought she couldn't do anything about it, made her feel helpless and went into denial to offset the anxiety. We re-positioned it, and she was able to accept it and has taken immense strides (with her own process, I'm not a therapist, I try to just provide a starting point) since then!
But you're certainly right that it can be co-morbid with lots of other issues, which is why it's important to get some expert help with it. Glad to hear you're going to start therapy!
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Jan 13, 2019 1:42:17 GMT
My thoughts exactly when I first read that post. Kudos to alexandra for being an unofficial expert on the FA style. Assuming every passing feeling is accurate is part of the problem of identifying FA. "Me, erratic? I'm just reacting to what is happening." Lol! I’ve actually made that exact claim on this forum and outside of it. Does FA attachment ever come off as DA? Is there a point you shut down, anxiety lowers and you’re more avoidant? I have a hard time differentiating... |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2019 5:31:04 GMT
I can relate so much. My inner world is a chaos but I hide it well. I underperform constantly in all areas of my life. Yes, disorganized attachment is associated with many mental problems such as borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorder, PTSD/CPTSD, ADHD/ADD, phobias, anxiety and depression. These are not often mentioned in this forum but they are an important aspect of this style, something that may differentiate FAs from other attachment styles. It is called "the worst style" for a reason. Disorganized attachment is just one consequence and manifestation of this complex trauma. I have always had phobias and anxiety and many traits of all of these diagnoses. I'm going to therapy soon to find out what a nice bunch of diagnoses I can get. Hey, good for you. I had so many triggers, paranoid beliefs, and fears it's unbelievable looking back. I still have quite a few, but my world feels much more expanded now, and I grow more centered and unfazed every day. I began this journey 2+ years ago. I knew something was wrong all along. Call it intuition or meta cognition (and also, most of my trauma occurred after 10 years of age, so I do clearly remember a time I was my true, confident self), but I knew I could do so much more with my life. It still saddens me some days, where I would be if it wasn't for all of this. I promised myself that I would see this to the end, I would live to my potential, or it'd be my biggest regret. It's why I ultimately ended up on this forum. Now I'm writing it here, so it's 'out there' and more official. Does FA attachment ever come off as DA? Is there a point you shut down, anxiety lowers and you’re more avoidant? I have a hard time differentiating... I don't think we exactly come off as DA. Like kinda. But FA deactivation is different than DA deactivation. It's more subtle IMO, and unpredictable. With DAs you can easily point out "there it goes", with FA's it's just kinda like "what's their deal?" and they can appear normal while doing it. Seems to be more "purely psychological" rather than outwardly obvious. So yes, it's shutting down and avoidant, but manifests differently. But I could be wrong because I'm basing this on myself. There are exceptions to this though, e.g. we'd be more obviously avoidant in relationships with APs, depending on how they trigger us. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2019 8:41:40 GMT
All the insecure styles are difficult and the result of some sort of trauma, though FA is the most difficult. Calling it the style the requires the most work as opposed to the "worst" style has been a more optimistic approach for my friends IRL who realized they have it and are making progress. For example, one was falling apart when she looked it up on the internet and saw all that "worst" "toxic" etc... thought she couldn't do anything about it, made her feel helpless and went into denial to offset the anxiety. We re-positioned it, and she was able to accept it and has taken immense strides (with her own process, I'm not a therapist, I try to just provide a starting point) since then!
But you're certainly right that it can be co-morbid with lots of other issues, which is why it's important to get some expert help with it. Glad to hear you're going to start therapy!
You're right, calling it the worst style isn't helpful. It is understandable from the FA's point of view because we often have it worse, but we are not necessarily "worse" towards others. I do believe some are, such as those with BPD, but not all FAs are extreme cases. I'm not toxic, I don't hurt people. I have never been told anything like that, except for complaints that I'm "aloof". I'm highly empathetic and I struggle to show my anger even when it is justified. So if anything, I am a doormat. That's why I protect myself by keeping distance. |
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Jan 13, 2019 11:14:48 GMT
@blacksnow "There are exceptions to this though, e.g. we'd be more obviously avoidant in relationships with APs, depending on how they trigger us." Mine must be heavy FA/DA as Im not AP and I seem to trigger him hard. I swear I trigger him harder than others have.
He goes avoidant fairly quickly but keeps circling back. His circle backs take longer now though. I know hes in an anxious state when he circles back but acts more secure, 'normal' not anxious when he comes back. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Jan 13, 2019 15:00:17 GMT
@blacksnow "There are exceptions to this though, e.g. we'd be more obviously avoidant in relationships with APs, depending on how they trigger us." Mine must be heavy FA/DA as Im not AP and I seem to trigger him hard. I swear I trigger him harder than others have.
He goes avoidant fairly quickly but keeps circling back. His circle backs take longer now though. I know hes in an anxious state when he circles back but acts more secure, 'normal' not anxious when he comes back. His anxiety can have nothing do to with more but be a reaction to his feelings of intimacy and closeness that create fear in him. That circling back is a huge indicator that he’s FA. My ex avoidant never circled back. I always have to reach out. He speaks of shutting down and not letting others in. DA have strong walls and boundaries and strong distrust. They don’t admit admit their needs or expect anyone to meet them. Very tough bc their emotions are suppressed. Any high’s and low’s, back and forth would indicate FA’s anxiety and fears. |
|
and, depending on how much I'm triggered 
and 
.