Post by ConfusedAndAnxious on Dec 15, 2015 16:39:54 GMT
Hello,
I'm a gay man in my late 20s. A little less than 3 months ago, I started dating a guy who seems great-- handsome, kind, easy to talk to, quietly confident but also self deprecating and laid back. He seems to be a good listener, too. I've never gotten a narcissistic vibe from him at all, except for the fact that he's chronically late and not especially apologetic about it. In fact, if it weren't for a few clues, I would peg him as more a secure type than an avoidant type, but here's why I'm confused.
I know myself to be high on the anxious-preoccupied category. Thanks to an awfully volatile childhood upbringing, I tend to worry a lot about whether things will end and how they could end. My worst fear is being strung along. So I know that I can easily worry myself into scenarios that aren't based in reality. But this guy, I feel like there are some signs that are ambiguous.
The guy I'm dating is not experienced in relationships. He came out just a few years ago at just shy of 30 and doesn't seem to have many relationships in his past, and those that he did have seemed to be brief. However he also does not appear to be the type to seek casual sex and we didn't become intimate until our 5th date or so.
We have been averaging 1 date a week, recently increasing to about 2. However, only this past week did we have a date on a weekend night, and it was after I asked for it. Same thing when it comes to sleeping over. I had to ask for a sleep over date after dating for a couple months. He did agree and it was actually great-- we hung out well into the next day, which was unexpected. When I ask for something, he tends to be responsive. For example, when I wanted him to meet my friends, he did and he was extremely engaged and gracious and stayed out the whole night despite having an early morning the next day. Sex with him feels very intimate and he's affectionate in a way that's very reassuring, but sex isn't that frequent. A couple of weeks ago, he said "let's not let so much time go between dates" out of nowhere, without me soliciting, which felt great! We have increased our dating frequency a bit since then but I continue to be the initiator and feel like when I don't initiate, conversation about a next date does not naturally come up.
The biggest problem is that in between dates, there's very little communication. I've observed him to be an infrequent texter, with myself and his friends. He isn't quick to reply to people and this was how he was with me from the very beginning, and it's just continued over time. I am usually initiating conversation. Also a big source of my worry: I am initiating most dates. Except for one instance when he was especially busy, he has always agreed to dates that I plan and the dates are always fun and last 4-5 hours. He is very sweet and affectionate, but usually after I have initiated some kind of physical affection first (handholding, etc.). So he is very responsive but he just doesn't initiate much and it's starting to make me feel insecure.
When we're on the dates, I feel very assured, but in between dates, I feel like a nervous mess. He has never asserted his need for independence in a direct way or talked about a pride in self-sufficiency, but he does appear to be a generally confident person who is social but also content to hang out alone after work or on a Sunday.
I know his parents divorced early on and he's talked openly about his father's cold nature and his mother's domineering personality. Still, he and his mother seem relatively close and I know he has good, close relationships with most of his siblings.
So I just can't tell with him. Is it that he's unexperienced in dating and just not thinking about the need to initiate dates/conversation more frequently, especially because I initiate so readily, or is it that he's avoidant and wants to be with someone who will just give without having to be asked? Is there a way to declare my preference for more initiating from him, or to ask for more clarity about whether he's dating with the intention of being in a more committed relationship, without seeming needy?
So far I think I've managed quite well to keep my neediness and worry from him. I just don't want to sabotage anything.
Thanks in advance for your advice.
I'm a gay man in my late 20s. A little less than 3 months ago, I started dating a guy who seems great-- handsome, kind, easy to talk to, quietly confident but also self deprecating and laid back. He seems to be a good listener, too. I've never gotten a narcissistic vibe from him at all, except for the fact that he's chronically late and not especially apologetic about it. In fact, if it weren't for a few clues, I would peg him as more a secure type than an avoidant type, but here's why I'm confused.
I know myself to be high on the anxious-preoccupied category. Thanks to an awfully volatile childhood upbringing, I tend to worry a lot about whether things will end and how they could end. My worst fear is being strung along. So I know that I can easily worry myself into scenarios that aren't based in reality. But this guy, I feel like there are some signs that are ambiguous.
The guy I'm dating is not experienced in relationships. He came out just a few years ago at just shy of 30 and doesn't seem to have many relationships in his past, and those that he did have seemed to be brief. However he also does not appear to be the type to seek casual sex and we didn't become intimate until our 5th date or so.
We have been averaging 1 date a week, recently increasing to about 2. However, only this past week did we have a date on a weekend night, and it was after I asked for it. Same thing when it comes to sleeping over. I had to ask for a sleep over date after dating for a couple months. He did agree and it was actually great-- we hung out well into the next day, which was unexpected. When I ask for something, he tends to be responsive. For example, when I wanted him to meet my friends, he did and he was extremely engaged and gracious and stayed out the whole night despite having an early morning the next day. Sex with him feels very intimate and he's affectionate in a way that's very reassuring, but sex isn't that frequent. A couple of weeks ago, he said "let's not let so much time go between dates" out of nowhere, without me soliciting, which felt great! We have increased our dating frequency a bit since then but I continue to be the initiator and feel like when I don't initiate, conversation about a next date does not naturally come up.
The biggest problem is that in between dates, there's very little communication. I've observed him to be an infrequent texter, with myself and his friends. He isn't quick to reply to people and this was how he was with me from the very beginning, and it's just continued over time. I am usually initiating conversation. Also a big source of my worry: I am initiating most dates. Except for one instance when he was especially busy, he has always agreed to dates that I plan and the dates are always fun and last 4-5 hours. He is very sweet and affectionate, but usually after I have initiated some kind of physical affection first (handholding, etc.). So he is very responsive but he just doesn't initiate much and it's starting to make me feel insecure.
When we're on the dates, I feel very assured, but in between dates, I feel like a nervous mess. He has never asserted his need for independence in a direct way or talked about a pride in self-sufficiency, but he does appear to be a generally confident person who is social but also content to hang out alone after work or on a Sunday.
I know his parents divorced early on and he's talked openly about his father's cold nature and his mother's domineering personality. Still, he and his mother seem relatively close and I know he has good, close relationships with most of his siblings.
So I just can't tell with him. Is it that he's unexperienced in dating and just not thinking about the need to initiate dates/conversation more frequently, especially because I initiate so readily, or is it that he's avoidant and wants to be with someone who will just give without having to be asked? Is there a way to declare my preference for more initiating from him, or to ask for more clarity about whether he's dating with the intention of being in a more committed relationship, without seeming needy?
So far I think I've managed quite well to keep my neediness and worry from him. I just don't want to sabotage anything.
Thanks in advance for your advice.
