Trying to date for the first time as earned secure

@janedoe, same exact experience the couple times I brought up answers that seemed incompatible. I got smarter about it later and only answered questions I actually cared about to get better match algorithms, and didn't talk to people anymore who I saw obvious dealbreakers with.

I wanted to do a pandemic-dating update here.

The good news seems to be that I feel way more secure than even a year ago. Even though I first earned secure in summer 2018, over time with mindfulness, my communication and boundaries and what I'll accept in a relationship keeps improving. I was still sometimes giving some of my time to avoidants earlier last year (though was acting secure with them and wasn't sticking around long, there was still some spark attraction), and that really doesn't seem to happen anymore. I finally, finally! seem pretty firmly attracted to secure, emotionally stable, and more mature men now.

What's interesting to think about from an insecure attachment standpoint is, I still have a couple basic superficial preferences, but most of what I'm looking for now isn't check boxes about physical stuff or career success or what I believe society was dictating makes a "high-value" partner. I'm very attracted to shared values, integrity, honesty, consistency, good communication, and compatible life stage. Before, when I was AP, there was a lot more priority on looks, sexual attraction above all, and there was fear of the guy not being good enough for me (ironic since I'd usually pick guys who treated me like crap so... how was I even defining good???). I think part of it was I was so scared of, and used to, being hurt and abandoned by my avoidant, non-committal partners that the only way I could override my anxiety enough to want to pursue a relationship was if there was undeniable physical attraction. Yet, those sparks I was interpreting as attraction were anxiety provoked in me by avoidants, so of course I was then feeding into my own negative narrative and repeating endlessly!

The pandemic, and some additional introspection I was doing right before it started (I went to a local workshop for a few hours about meeting people and clarifying, well, let's use Anne's term of love vision) really forced clarity in exactly what my values are and what I'm looking for in a partner in regards to long-term compatibility. In the US, everyone is so polarized now and we need to be so careful with the virus not being under control, that it forces situations where you learn how strangers deal with stress and resultant compatibility waaaaay earlier than you otherwise would. So, that forced me to really learn what it takes for me to trust someone as a romantic partner as I'm getting to know them, as we're also forced to take things really slowly if we're being responsible.

I have been online dating lots, since that seems to be my only option to meet new people at the moment. Most men I've met are insecure (equally split among all the types it seems, AP, DA, FA) and it's been a chore to talk to them or I feel uncomfortable continuing to meet with them in person because I learn they don't take distancing too seriously. But I have met some secures, and most of what I'm doing is going with an open mind, asking questions without projecting expectations, and trying to get to know who they are.

In the spring, I dated a guy who seemed secure and reasonably compatible for a few months who then turned out to be kind of a jerk as I got to know him better. Threw myself back into dating after that, and had some pretty idiotic encounters (I was asked on a few third dates and declined them all). Except one seemingly secure guy in the background the last few months, who I started out by dating virtually, but he has been so consistent and aligned with my values that talking to him was naturally very easy and delightful. He's not who I'd have expected to go for on paper (he's not out of the range of my "type" but there's some differences in our backgrounds for sure), but I feel like the mental (emotional/intellectual) connection is actually real, we want the same things, we like each other so far and have been gradually but equally progressing things. Nothing is confusing at all, and it's just clear and easy, for both of us. Even with the secure guy in the spring, it was a little confusing (he was being cagey about moving things forward and turned out to subtly be a bad communicator even though he seemed mostly open -- he was only good if there was no chance of conflict, if he felt there might be then his words would become evasive, so we could repair things but not actually resolve anything). But this feels like we're both open books and talking through everything and anything can be done without fear of judgement or retribution or anyone shutting down and leaving. We're both simply respectful and straightforward and try to problem-solve if there's a problem.

For the time being, I've paused meeting more new guys because after a couple months I was like, why am I putting myself through more and more bad dates if I just want to come home and talk to him after. So we've shifted to dating (safely) in person and are going to figure out how official we want to make this soon. Fingers crossed things keep going well!

But yeah, for both me and for him, compared to our past relationships (he's also had some doozies that definitely sound like they involved insecure attachment issues), it's so straight-forward and so easy and natural to connect. It's just night and day compared to my anxious-avoidant messes or the few AP guys I've gone on a handful of dates each with, where people are projecting and miscommunicating and either hiding their needs or disconnected from their needs all over the place (my past self included). So much of this really, truly seems to be about who you choose as a partner, and trust in good and bad times and times of stress (so... consistency) is so important. If this works out, there really should be so much hope for anyone in earnest trying to work through their own insecure attachment issues that things can get better! And if it doesn't work out, that's okay too, because I'll be fine either way... and believe that, while it takes effort to find them, there will be other good partners somewhere out there. Though -- it would be nice for this to work out too because I'm still on my shorter timeline if I want to have a kid after the pandemic ends. But while that motivated me to keep meeting new guys even when I didn't really want to, it's not motivating the progression of this current situation or leaking out as pressure on either of us.

This is so damn good to hear-especially since we can tend to be so afraid of meeting someone later in life. So so so happy for you. I don't even know you and I'm smilin'!

I’m so happy for you alexandra! Thanks for the update. This is such a lovely story and it gives me hope. While I’m not necessarily looking forward to having to meet so many people before finding someone who is secure and compatible, I’ve been starting to feel more motivated over the past few months now that I know what I’m looking for and it seems like it can actually happen. I think I’ve been sabotaging myself by getting so frustrated and pessimistic about online dating. Anyway, I’m thrilled for you. It sounds like you put in a ton of effort and it paid off. Please keep us posted!

Quick update. Still together with my boyfriend, things are still completely easy and secure. We have a general plan for hitting the traditional big relationship and family planning milestones. As time progresses and we've been together for what's getting on being a while, I feel like it's constantly reinforcing to me that the next most important thing in making a relationship work, after being emotionally healthy yourself, really is who you choose as a partner. When I was insecure and reacting to chemistry and quick sparks and feelings first and being less active in taking responsibility in who I chose (ie "you don't choose who you fall in love with, it just happens to you and then you show up best you can for that person" mentality), it never went well. Approaching this instead as curiosity in getting to know someone (with the only initial dealbreaker check being to make sure we're on the same basic wavelength about both wanting a serious relationship and marriage/children with the right person, but not jumping ahead past that about "this could be the one!"), and then having feelings develop based on how that person shows up every day has certainly taken out the miserable roller coaster aspect. It feels healthier that we take responsibility for choosing each other every day instead of having that more passive and reactive perspective. And we're not actively thinking about it that way or daily reaffirming "I choose you again today" like that or anything lol, just looking at it overall and in retrospect it seems like a good way to describe it. In practice, it's both of us treating each other every day with respect and affection naturally and it not seeming like a "chore" or like he's being put upon by being with me, as I often felt I was to avoidant boyfriends when I was AP.

So, as I've posted before, stay optimistic that you can still find a good partner after 35! It may take going through more (sometimes many more...) dates than you hope, but it's doable.

Yaaaaaaaaay @shiningstar!!! So happy for you 😄🥳