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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2019 16:42:46 GMT
I still feel pain occasionally when I think about my ex and how it’s gone down. I read the other posts and I get slightly triggered - I am aware at how my heart literally squeezes and hurts when I read certain posts that may be very much his viewpoint - thinking that I’m inconsistent, controlling and manipulative. It makes me also angry because I think he’s also like this but I’m getting blamed for it. It’s completely illogical because I can see now that I was, but i felt like I was just trying all ways to get the rship to work. I know now that I shouldn’t have and didn’t need to. I’ve since accepted my own responsibility in creating a toxic rship and have been practicing what I’ve learnt. However, it’s been a cycle of acceptance, compassion, guilt, and hurt.
I suppose the fact that I get triggered here means I haven’t really gotten over him or the breakup. I don’t think I want to get back together but my heart sometimes still want it, i can’t tell if it’s the APness or a real desire or what it is!!
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Post by anne12 on Feb 10, 2019 17:02:25 GMT
If it was an okay relationship it normaly takes 1-2 years. If it was short or very dysfunctional shorter time. But time alone will not do it alone. You can have a broken heart from many years ago that you thought that you got over. Normally it is recommended to try to write all your ex partners name down on paper. Say their names out loud and sence how it makes you feel. Then write on the paper "Dear xxxx" as you were going to write a letter to the person. Feel what comes up (anger, sadness ect. And look at this jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1169/healing-broken-heartAllow yourself to cry ect. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2019 17:07:22 GMT
If is was an okay relationship it normaly takes 1-2 years. If it was short or very dysfunctional shorter time. But time alone will not do it alone. You can have a broken heart from many years ago that you thought that you got over. Normally it is recommended to try to write all your ex partners name down on paper. Say their names out loud and sence how it makes you feel. Then write on the paper "Dear xxxx" as you were going to write a letter to the person. Feel what comes up (anger, sadness ect. And look at this jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1169/healing-broken-heartAllow yourself to cry ect. Thanks anne12. It’s so great to have you here so ready with all the resources. Am going to have to practice those exercises! It was a 1.5 year rship that was amazing at the beginning till we got triggered - we were compatible in most ways but the trust was lost when he deactivated and came back with no explanation. I never stopped being triggered, probably till we broke up. |
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Post by unluckyinlove on Feb 10, 2019 17:20:23 GMT
I’m totally in the same boat. I know deep down that I can have a more fulfilling relationship with someone who wants to be here working on it as hard as I am, but I still wonder if I had known about attachment styles and approached things differently if things might have been different. For my situation though, my ex would shut down anytime I tried to even discuss the relationship and he’d react by throwing a temper tantrum, leaving physically and then stonewalling. Attachment styles aside, I have to remind myself that at the end of the day, he had a genuine lack of self awareness and an unwillingness to meet me in the relationship. I’m so sorry you are going through this pain...you ARENT alone in that. Every time I think of my ex (who I had an extremely close connection with), I try to remember the overall dynamic and that is not sustainable and certainly not the dynamic I want in a partner. I’m learning to give in to my grief and allow myself all the emotions that come with it. There’s no magic number on the healing time and no magic formula for dealing with it. I’m about 3 months post BU. Good luck to you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2019 2:04:20 GMT
Mine just doesn’t react much to the attachment style topic. It always feels like telling him anything goes into a void - he doesn’t reject it but it’s just quite ignored. He’s also said that I’ve triggered in him negative emotions he doesn’t want to deal with and that I’m controlling so let’s just move on. He does try to work on the rship by enacting solutions and behaviours, but it doesn’t work because the negative energy and insecurity are still there - the sense that this rship isn’t quite real and he’ll leave me whenever he feels like it.
Yes I think the dynamic is horrific and unsustainable too, and that he isn’t quite willing to deal with himself (and now me) so there’ll be no point. I also don’t want to go back and create more inconsistency that I’ve already created in his life. Reading the latest posts was a reminder of how I might have hurt him despite it being my best efforts to protect myself against him hurting me. Those are the things I’m holding onto to stop myself from reaching out to him. Im close to 3 months post BU too.
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 11, 2019 3:39:17 GMT
I still feel pain occasionally when I think about my ex and how it’s gone down. I read the other posts and I get slightly triggered - I am aware at how my heart literally squeezes and hurts when I read certain posts that may be very much his viewpoint - thinking that I’m inconsistent, controlling and manipulative. It makes me also angry because I think he’s also like this but I’m getting blamed for it. It’s completely illogical because I can see now that I was, but i felt like I was just trying all ways to get the rship to work. I know now that I shouldn’t have and didn’t need to. I’ve since accepted my own responsibility in creating a toxic rship and have been practicing what I’ve learnt. However, it’s been a cycle of acceptance, compassion, guilt, and hurt. I suppose the fact that I get triggered here means I haven’t really gotten over him or the breakup. I don’t think I want to get back together but my heart sometimes still want it, i can’t tell if it’s the APness or a real desire or what it is!! @shiningstar - I get that...reading the boards and realizing how your ex likely saw you...unstable, clingy, inconsistent and unable to please. It’s painful to accept, but what makes it a little easier to acknowledge is that we are now self-aware and have learned from our mistakes and grown in becoming secure. Also, recognizing both partners play a role in the relationship rupture doesn’t place all responsibility on us. Those past moments of being reactive and triggered are embarrassing and regretful, but feeling that way helps ensure we will be better moving forward. I was completely unself-aware before. Regret and remorse are powerful motivators for change. As far as being over the ex? Yeah, I understand that, too. Still in relations, but not back together. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2019 13:03:32 GMT
I know exactly how you feel, it's hard to swallow.
I violated his boundaries, I contributed to the instability, my anxious behavior was exhausting to him, but so was his.
When I read DA POV, I understand and I see how it was too much. I admit to it. As FA, I can even relate to them; but at the same time, it's difficult and it hurts.
It's mostly because my perspective has never been seen or acknowledged therefore, I feel like all the blame is on me and he gets to be the bigger person.
The reality was very different though.
While he's done, I'm still not over him, I still care about him, I still think about him daily, I still blame myself.
I'm trying to remember that despite all the emotional mess, all my needs were justified, and that if he ever becomes more secure, he'll understand.
It was his way or no way, so I know his leaving had nothing to do with making a mature decision.
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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 12, 2019 0:42:22 GMT
I don't think there's really a standard length of time. For some people it's a day, for some 100 years. You're where you're at-- just keep going.
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 12, 2019 1:46:39 GMT
I know exactly how you feel, it's hard to swallow. I violated his boundaries, I contributed to the instability, my anxious behavior was exhausting to him, but so was his. When I read DA POV, I understand and I see how it was too much. I admit to it. As FA, I can even relate to them; but at the same time, it's difficult and it hurts. It's mostly because my perspective has never been seen or acknowledged therefore, I feel like all the blame is on me and he gets to be the bigger person. The reality was very different though. While he's done, I'm still not over him, I still care about him, I still think about him daily, I still blame myself. I'm trying to remember that despite all the emotional mess, all my needs were justified, and that if he ever becomes more secure, he'll understand. It was his way or no way, so I know his leaving had nothing to do with making a mature decision. I still have strong feelings too and we see still each other...and he’s now an emotional zombie. I don’t know if he’ll ever open up again. He’s a different person and it hurts to see the transformation. I don’t know when I should throw in the towel and say, Done. I also see so much my part in our demise and his shutting down, but that shouldn’t be a life sentence to make amends. He’s stone hard. I think to let go I will have to get red, hot angry. Hasn’t happened yet. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2019 10:38:24 GMT
I know exactly how you feel, it's hard to swallow. I violated his boundaries, I contributed to the instability, my anxious behavior was exhausting to him, but so was his. When I read DA POV, I understand and I see how it was too much. I admit to it. As FA, I can even relate to them; but at the same time, it's difficult and it hurts. It's mostly because my perspective has never been seen or acknowledged therefore, I feel like all the blame is on me and he gets to be the bigger person. The reality was very different though. While he's done, I'm still not over him, I still care about him, I still think about him daily, I still blame myself. I'm trying to remember that despite all the emotional mess, all my needs were justified, and that if he ever becomes more secure, he'll understand. It was his way or no way, so I know his leaving had nothing to do with making a mature decision. I still have strong feelings too and we see still each other...and he’s now an emotional zombie. I don’t know if he’ll ever open up again. He’s a different person and it hurts to see the transformation. I don’t know when I should throw in the towel and say, Done. I also see so much my part in our demise and his shutting down, but that shouldn’t be a life sentence to make amends. He’s stone hard. I think to let go I will have to get red, hot angry. Hasn’t happened yet. Perhaps letting him go is the best thing you can do. I wasn't ready because like you, I'd have to get angry and I can't be angry at him. There wasn't anything wrong between us except the fact I wanted more than he was able or willing to give. I say willing because most of the things I wanted were already there, he just wouldn't acknowledge them. And it gave me "the sense that this rship isn’t quite real and he’ll leave me whenever he feels like it" It was the only reason we fought and each time we fought about it, he was done. And my fear was reinforced. If you stay with your guy, it's unlikely he'll change. Perhaps your leaving will motivate him to look inside himself one day and see he isn't happy at all. Mine is very lonely but he still thinks he doesn't need anyone. In my opinion this type of dismissal contributes to the self- serving nature of those relationships, to give, they'd have to acknowledge they're taking but to take you must need it and in their minds they don't need anything from anyone. I know my guy is too proud and too smart to come back again. He knows the problem still exists and nothing will change. I can't contact him so we'll reunite only when he acknowledges his problems, when he wants to make an effort to change and when he chooses to do it with me. If he doesn't, he wouldn't do it even if I were by his side. He's fatalistic and very distrustful so I know it's very unlikely, that it's more probable he'll simply move on. It hurts and I miss him miserably but nothing would have changed. So if you leave, it will be better for you in a long term. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 12, 2019 12:08:04 GMT
I still have strong feelings too and we see still each other...and he’s now an emotional zombie. I don’t know if he’ll ever open up again. He’s a different person and it hurts to see the transformation. I don’t know when I should throw in the towel and say, Done. I also see so much my part in our demise and his shutting down, but that shouldn’t be a life sentence to make amends. He’s stone hard. I think to let go I will have to get red, hot angry. Hasn’t happened yet. Perhaps letting him go is the best thing you can do. I wasn't ready because like you, I'd have to get angry and I can't be angry at him. There wasn't anything wrong between us except the fact I wanted more than he was able or willing to give. I say willing because most of the things I wanted were already there, he just wouldn't acknowledge them. And it gave me "the sense that this rship isn’t quite real and he’ll leave me whenever he feels like it" It was the only reason we fought and each time we fought about it, he was done. If you stay with your guy, it's unlikely he'll change. Perhaps your leaving will motivate him to look inside himself one day and see he isn't happy at all. Mine is very lonely but he still thinks he doesn't need anyone. In my opinion this type of dismissal contributes to the self- serving nature of those relationships, to give, they'd have to acknowledge they're taking but to take you must need it and in their minds they don't need anything from anyone. I know my guy is too proud and too smart to come back again. He knows the problem still exists and nothing will change. I can't contact him so we'll reunite only when he acknowledges his problems, when he wants to make an effort to change and when he chooses to do it with me. If he doesn't, he wouldn't do it even if I were by his side. He's fatalistic and very distrustful so I know it's very unlikely, that it's more probable he'll simply move on. It hurts and I miss him miserably but nothing would have changed. So if you leave, it will be better for you in a long term. Our exes sound a lot alike. Only mine doesn’t admit he’s lonely but admits to being unhappy- still unwilling to do a thing about it. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2019 12:24:29 GMT
"the sense that this rship isn’t quite real and he’ll leave me whenever he feels like it"
Omg. This is exactly it. The refusal to make anything real, and when he does, it’s always with this sense of reluctance and being put out. It’s very maddening because it felt like I was being used for his needs without even being thanked for it. Because he didn’t have any, and it is “a choice to stay in a rship and I have a choice to walk or stay”.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2019 13:32:36 GMT
faithopelove mine was admitting to that while denying at the same time. @shiningstar I quoted you because it resonated with me. It was maddening because it was conditional and the condition was not to ask for any form of validation. I didn't even want him to thank me but to admit my value to him. He wouldn't, so how could I just enjoy the good times while I had no idea if he's using me? right there with you. I’ve set a new rule that if either one of us cannot explicitly and firmly say yes to building a mutually acknowledged relationship, forget it. I don’t have more time and energy to waste - this applies to myself as well. If I’m uncertain or I’m holding back, the guy’s time is equally wasted. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 26, 2019 21:04:43 GMT
I know exactly how you feel, it's hard to swallow. I violated his boundaries, I contributed to the instability, my anxious behavior was exhausting to him, but so was his. When I read DA POV, I understand and I see how it was too much. I admit to it. As FA, I can even relate to them; but at the same time, it's difficult and it hurts. It's mostly because my perspective has never been seen or acknowledged therefore, I feel like all the blame is on me and he gets to be the bigger person. The reality was very different though. While he's done, I'm still not over him, I still care about him, I still think about him daily, I still blame myself. I'm trying to remember that despite all the emotional mess, all my needs were justified, and that if he ever becomes more secure, he'll understand. It was his way or no way, so I know his leaving had nothing to do with making a mature decision. This. I completely relate to what you said. His way or no way. No negotiation, learning. Just shut down. |
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Post by 8675309 on Feb 27, 2019 13:30:14 GMT
They say it takes at least half the time you were together to get over it. I assume for AP is may take longer. I know it will take longer to get over my avoidant because he triggered my anxious side. I have moved on so much quicker from others but not him. I wish I would get turned off like I have others but nope! LOL. I have this soft spot for him that others have never had in my life. I cannot stand it! haha.
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