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Post by faithopelove on Feb 24, 2019 21:36:24 GMT
I think you’ve missed the point, and I’d say this has nothing to do with attachment theory! Also, I’ve had sex with people I didn’t like. It was availability. As a woman, sex is available to you when you like. The quality may not be there, but if you put yourself out there, there’s a pretty good chance. As a heterosexual man, it is always conditional, so most will take it where it’s offered with the least conditions. I know that’s harsh and stereotypical, but that’s my experience. I’m in a position where I really enjoy womem’s company, but I’m happy to have my itch scratched by a man. To have that imperative removed is really freeing. - Yeah, I’m not sure it’s easier to find quality men. I’ve tried online for a few years and in “real life” I’m not meeting any I’d like to be with...I’m over 40 so that does make the pool much smaller. |
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Post by glenjo99 on Feb 24, 2019 21:56:20 GMT
I think you’ve missed the point, and I’d say this has nothing to do with attachment theory! Also, I’ve had sex with people I didn’t like. It was availability. As a woman, sex is available to you when you like. The quality may not be there, but if you put yourself out there, there’s a pretty good chance. As a heterosexual man, it is always conditional, so most will take it where it’s offered with the least conditions. I know that’s harsh and stereotypical, but that’s my experience. I’m in a position where I really enjoy womem’s company, but I’m happy to have my itch scratched by a man. To have that imperative removed is really freeing. - Yeah, I’m not sure it’s easier to find quality men. I’ve tried online for a few years and in “real life” I’m not meeting any I’d like to be with...I’m over 40 so that does make the pool much smaller. Also there's an age Gap between us, I'm 44 he's 28. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2019 22:46:15 GMT
mrob - Yeah, I’m not sure it’s easier to find quality men. I’ve tried online for a few years and in “real life” I’m not meeting any I’d like to be with...I’m over 40 so that does make the pool much smaller. Also there's an age Gap between us, I'm 44 he's 28. One mature, self respecting woman to another: Stop messing with this game. This is two very different life stages. Some age gaps are better than others for compatibility. This whole deal seems exactly like what you said: casual, not serious, I wouldn't take this seriously AT ALL. So he said the word marriage (uh, before two months went by.) I wouldn't give this a second glance if you want long term. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2019 23:09:40 GMT
my learning is when they say "this can go anywhere" it means "this will go nowhere". he's keeping you on his terms, on his schedule. doesn't matter if he's secure or DA or AP - he's not worth your time if you want something serious. when men say this is not serious for them but they'd like to continue seeing you, i take it to mean "i'm seeing you till i find someone better".
I have a fwb whom i believe we have a stable and secure relationship. he's also 28 i'm 34. these things are actually discussed (i.e., we are honest with each other where we are in availability and what we hope to see for each other) and we built an emotional connection in which we are rather expressive with each other.
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Post by sissyk on Feb 24, 2019 23:35:36 GMT
It is a big old world and all kinds of connections are possible. But with that age difference, he would need to be mature and thoughtful as a partner to make it work. No evidence of that from what you have shared. Check, please! Next! I'm not sure attachment styles are even that relevant here. He may be behaving "dismissively" in this settting because he really isn't very invested. And you may be behaving "anxiously" because he is giving you intermittent reinforcement like they do in Vegas.. So don't think I would leap to the conclusion you are AP based on this one relationship and feel you need to start wearing the hair shirt  If it is a pattern over several relationships, that is worth attending to. Otherwise, life is one big learning curve. It seems like you are a flexible thinker based on how open you are to listening to the opinions on this thread. |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 24, 2019 23:52:16 GMT
... he would need to be mature and thoughtful as a partner to make it work. No evidence of that from what you have shared. Check, please! Next! Yes, OP, I think this is primarily what we're all responding to. Not a criticism, just not seeing it meeting your needs. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 25, 2019 0:15:58 GMT
mrob - Yeah, I’m not sure it’s easier to find quality men. I’ve tried online for a few years and in “real life” I’m not meeting any I’d like to be with...I’m over 40 so that does make the pool much smaller. Also there's an age Gap between us, I'm 44 he's 28. Yes, you need to take at face value what he’s telling you. He hasn’t been invested and he’s unwilling to invest. This may or may not have anything to do with attachment style- just his stage in life. You’re obviously not happy with his actions or you wouldn’t be on the boards, and if another month, two or 9 goes by...I don’t see why he’d change his mind but you’re frustration will surely grow. If you can’t let go of someone who doesn’t want what you want and isn’t valuing you, then maybe start looking at yourself and why you’d allow this treatment. That’s what I found most helpful for me. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 25, 2019 1:03:25 GMT
A few thoughts...
1. What were the reasons you initially saw him as "secure"?
2. The comment he made that it could go nowhere or lead to marriage sounds a little manipulative
3. Everyone is entitled to not want to kiss or have sex on every date, even men, so one date like that and I wouldn't stress about what it means, but step back and look at the big picture. Are you overall enjoying this or is it stressing you out?
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Post by mrob on Feb 25, 2019 6:06:13 GMT
Also there's an age Gap between us, I'm 44 he's 28. Yes, you need to take at face value what he’s telling you. He hasn’t been invested and he’s unwilling to invest. This may or may not have anything to do with attachment style- just his stage in life. You’re obviously not happy with his actions or you wouldn’t be on the boards, and if another month, two or 9 goes by...I don’t see why he’d change his mind but you’re frustration will surely grow. If you can’t let go of someone who doesn’t want what you want and isn’t valuing you, then maybe start looking at yourself and why you’d allow this treatment. That’s what I found most helpful for me. Can I be frank? It’s not always about “valuing” someone. I’ve had to get to a stage where I value myself by not getting into messes that I can’t get out of. Dating is surely an assessment process, and it something doesn’t work, they’re free to leave. (Then the attachment wounding comes in!) |
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Post by 8675309 on Feb 25, 2019 12:25:27 GMT
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Post by glenjo99 on Feb 25, 2019 12:55:57 GMT
A few thoughts... 1. What were the reasons you initially saw him as "secure"? 2. The comment he made that it could go nowhere or lead to marriage sounds a little manipulative 3. Everyone is entitled to not want to kiss or have sex on every date, even men, so one date like that and I wouldn't stress about what it means, but step back and look at the big picture. Are you overall enjoying this or is it stressing you out? This is part of what I am trying to do in my life now, discerning the types I'm attracted to and why. I thought initially he was secure because he was comfortable with affection, confident to going for dates, dinners out, cinema etc and wasn't anxious in nature, I suppose just a feeling rather than looking at actions. Am I overall enjoying this you ask, yes but there are a few kinks in both sides. I feel I know how we can progress but that's part of the issue, I feel I'm doing all that work. I'm realising from comments on here, that's not so much my job, that's verging on codependency, which I know I have a lot of codependent behaviour. There needs to be two of us in it and perhaps I'm expecting too much from him for where he's at. He seems emotionally mature in some ways, but not with emotions. He freezes and clams up. |
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Post by glenjo99 on Feb 25, 2019 12:58:55 GMT
Yes, you need to take at face value what he’s telling you. He hasn’t been invested and he’s unwilling to invest. This may or may not have anything to do with attachment style- just his stage in life. You’re obviously not happy with his actions or you wouldn’t be on the boards, and if another month, two or 9 goes by...I don’t see why he’d change his mind but you’re frustration will surely grow. If you can’t let go of someone who doesn’t want what you want and isn’t valuing you, then maybe start looking at yourself and why you’d allow this treatment. That’s what I found most helpful for me. Can I be frank? It’s not always about “valuing” someone. I’ve had to get to a stage where I value myself by not getting into messes that I can’t get out of. Dating is surely an assessment process, and it something doesn’t work, they’re free to leave. (Then the attachment wounding comes in!) You can be Frank or anyone else you like 😉. I think that's part of where I'm at, I'm in an assessment process as I'm sure he is. I went from an alcoholic, narcissistic, FA in my last relationship to this guy who is the complete opposite. However that doesn't necessarily mean he can meet my needs. All part of the discernment process of learning what I want/need. |
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Post by glenjo99 on Feb 25, 2019 21:17:00 GMT
So we met tonight and decided to call it a day before we end up hurting each other more down the line. He says he is not in a great place right now and knows he is emotionally unavailable.
Still feels like crap.
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 25, 2019 21:25:57 GMT
So we met tonight and decided to call it a day before we end up hurting each other more down the line. He says he is not in a great place right now and knows he is emotionally unavailable. Still feels like crap. Sorry- I know that’s a tough place to be in. My ex is in the same “weird place” and also emotionally unavailable. I decided to believe him. Hurts but walking away feels absolutely like the right thing for me. Trying to force something he couldn’t do or didn’t want for whatever reason left me empty and ultimately I had to face we want different things. I went no contact to recover. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 25, 2019 21:27:00 GMT
So we met tonight and decided to call it a day before we end up hurting each other more down the line. He says he is not in a great place right now and knows he is emotionally unavailable. Still feels like crap. And your instincts- the reason you’re on the boards was right. Trust your instincts. |
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If it is a pattern over several relationships, that is worth attending to.
