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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2018 16:34:41 GMT
Mary - I’m curious. You’ve mentioned several times that you need space and your current partner gives it to you and it works. I’m wondering - what do you do during that ‘space’ time? Do you just isolate and recharge? Is it alone time? And when do you know you’re done with that time and can be back with your partner? I do what I would normally do, work, take care of my house, visit with friends, etc. I work more and see friends more, because I have the extra time. It's different with my current partner, because I love him. The space comes when I am upset with him. With men I have dated in the past, If I was upset, I would just break up with them and never look back. Now if I am upset, I take space (time away) and it works. I know I'm done when I start to miss him and I'm ready to talk. I have learned over time there are things that can make the space time shorter. Also, now that I know he will give it to me freely, they have become shorter and less frequent. It used to be about every other month, and the last time, there was 9 months in between times. This is somewhat an old thread, but I’m hoping to understand more! Is it normal to return to your partner and act as if nothing has happened when you withdrew? My DA partner was mean and harsh and distant for three weeks, and all of a sudden one day, he was all normal and never truly acknowledged or gave me an explanation of what happened. When I bring up how hurt I was, he simply said sorry and left it at that. I haven’t been ok and I’ve been standoffish with him. He can tell I am not happy and is asking me why and what’s happening. All I’ve said is I’m thinking about things with no further information. We are meeting in a week and I probably will need fo talk about it. Now I’m considering drawing some strong boundaries and letting him know what I think of this behavior ie. not acceptable, but I’m afraid he’ll take it all wrong and think of me as being demanding just as when he was being nice (said that about the ex Wife). What would be an acceptable level of conversation? |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2018 20:29:01 GMT
Ouch...I think I'm a bit like what OP described...:/  I would be patient and stomached a lot of disrespect until I snapped, ran away, but upon reflection, I would return, but not to apologize. It's pride + insecurity. If I love my partner I'll return every time. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2018 2:11:20 GMT
Ouch...I think I'm a bit like what OP described...:/ I would be patient and stomached a lot of disrespect until I snapped, ran away, but upon reflection, I would return, but not to apologize. It's pride + insecurity. If I love my partner I'll return every time. So do you think that’s an effective and productive way to keep the relationship without losing yourself? I’m struggling between talking about it with him and just running for the hills! For me, priority is to keep my well being and that means no toxic relationships. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2018 3:18:48 GMT
So do you think that’s an effective and productive way to keep the relationship without losing yourself? I’m struggling between talking about it with him and just running for the hills! For me, priority is to keep my well being and that means no toxic relationships. anxious, I usually had good reasons to get upset and yes, it's rather immature to get so mad, to feel as if I couldn't stand it anymore and had to leave. I could literally run away, my adrenaline had somewhere to go and it helps to calm me down. With exDA, I broke up because I couldn't take 15 days/25 days of little contact, i.e. one or two sms.  So indeed I felt pushed to an extreme, and was very patient with giving him space before I sent a break up message. However, i have a problem with articulating my wants/needs, I couldn't do that even with my loved ones, my father, etc. I don't know if your partner is fair about feeling pushed to the edge... , do you think he had good reasons to get that mad? If he didn't have a leg to stand on, then you must ask yourself if you should continue to take this toxic sh*t. No one should suffer such tantrums from anyone. If you did something wrong to him, then you might consider apologizing, try to talk about his unproductive method of dealing with the stress, and find an acceptable way to defuse the situation without breaking up. Perhaps he can storm off and stay away for a pre-agreed period, 1 week?, before you contact him again, to see if he is ready to talk. If he feels like talking to you anytime before then he can. I would probably appreciate it and would be ready within a couple of days to return if my partner would be willing to discuss a solution to the problem that bothered me. Should he go back to the bad old ways of breaking up and returning, just accept it as his "pattern". I had a prideful little cat before that would get very angry with me if I tripped over her - she would run away, hide, but would eventually show up again when her strong feelings subsided. Your FA might be similar in disposition. It's hard but not impossible to predict their weather-like mood.  |
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Post by stayhappy on Aug 6, 2018 9:09:42 GMT
Don't want to get everyone's hopes up as I can't speak for every individual. But I am/was (depending on the moment, in this moment it's a was dating an avoidant). I'll spare all the details, but 2 years, some fights - me overly apologizing just to end the stupid topic and get back to normal. But she ghosts me at the drop of a hat. I'm sure you are all familiar with feeling like you must walk a tightrope of perfection, one false move and you are dimisssd. The longest she has dissapeard for is 3 weeks. In this current episode we are in the middle of weeks 2. I will say that when these episodes happen, each time I have tried another tactic to draw her back - angry messages, apologies (even if not in the wrong), pointing out how great we are together and the wonderful memories, this time I am trying the I supper your need for space and still love you and will be here for you when you're ready. Jurry is still out on if that tactic will bring her back quicker or not. What I have learned in the many episodes of this: - they think it's done when they ghost you or dissapear - they think they are protecting themselves - they think you are in the wrong and they are justified - I can't tell if any angle of attempts to get them back helps, hurts, or as no affect on the time to return - each episode of the time away seems to be getting longer - dont over attempt to reach them as this will look more clingy and justify to them that they still need to run - they begin to miss you at somepoint, and will reach out to you and they will hesitantly want to start again with you. However, do not expect them to be apologetic when they come back as their own "self protection" is nothing to apologize for in their eyes. So my advice os if they reach out and you want them back, don't jump all over them with the how could you stuff or they will regreat trying to reach out to you which is a very vulnerable step for an avoidant. Again no garantees, but this has been my experience with and avoidant. I take her back each time cause I still love her and realize this is her problem (albeit it affects me emotionally greatly) and I love her despite it. And maybe for the first time in her life she will realize I am here for her, she can trust me, she doesn't need to run. Maybe that will sync in one day and these patterns will stop. Or maybe I'm just a fool and it will always continue.... time will tell. I know what the pain is like when there suddenly gone, so good luck everyone. The avoidant I was seeing for almost a year reached out like if nothing has happened. Why did he come back? I don’t really know. I don’t think is just for sex because he is really handsome and charming. So he has no problem to find someone else to have sex with. Did he want some ego busting and see if he still can get me? Maybe but he always knew I wanted him, I never hided that I enjoyed spending time with and wanted to continue as long as we could meet each other in the middle. Did he miss me? Maybe yes, maybe not. He never said he had feelings for me ,he showed in many indirect ways that he may was more than just attracted but it is possible that I just wanted to believe it was so. Although our “relationship” was not like the AP-DA dinamic, I did not feel so anxious, I still don’t want to try again. I feel that right know I am ready and want a real relationship, someone to seatle down with. He doesn’t want (or can) that now. |
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Post by notalone on Aug 7, 2018 15:17:06 GMT
Don't want to get everyone's hopes up as I can't speak for every individual. But I am/was (depending on the moment, in this moment it's a was dating an avoidant). I'll spare all the details, but 2 years, some fights - me overly apologizing just to end the stupid topic and get back to normal. But she ghosts me at the drop of a hat. I'm sure you are all familiar with feeling like you must walk a tightrope of perfection, one false move and you are dimisssd. The longest she has dissapeard for is 3 weeks. In this current episode we are in the middle of weeks 2. I will say that when these episodes happen, each time I have tried another tactic to draw her back - angry messages, apologies (even if not in the wrong), pointing out how great we are together and the wonderful memories, this time I am trying the I supper your need for space and still love you and will be here for you when you're ready. Jurry is still out on if that tactic will bring her back quicker or not. What I have learned in the many episodes of this: - they think it's done when they ghost you or dissapear - they think they are protecting themselves - they think you are in the wrong and they are justified - I can't tell if any angle of attempts to get them back helps, hurts, or as no affect on the time to return - each episode of the time away seems to be getting longer - dont over attempt to reach them as this will look more clingy and justify to them that they still need to run - they begin to miss you at somepoint, and will reach out to you and they will hesitantly want to start again with you. However, do not expect them to be apologetic when they come back as their own "self protection" is nothing to apologize for in their eyes. So my advice os if they reach out and you want them back, don't jump all over them with the how could you stuff or they will regreat trying to reach out to you which is a very vulnerable step for an avoidant. Again no garantees, but this has been my experience with and avoidant. I take her back each time cause I still love her and realize this is her problem (albeit it affects me emotionally greatly) and I love her despite it. And maybe for the first time in her life she will realize I am here for her, she can trust me, she doesn't need to run. Maybe that will sync in one day and these patterns will stop. Or maybe I'm just a fool and it will always continue.... time will tell. I know what the pain is like when there suddenly gone, so good luck everyone. I see this is an old post, but I was wondering if you are still with her? I am DA and this is a familiar story to me. I think she does or is starting to love you and the trust will grow. Unlike others on here, I don't think it's bad to give people space when they want it and I don't think it has anything to do with power. I doubt she sees it as a power thing. Since I have been through this struggle on the avoidant side, I think there is something she wants to tell you but doesn't think it will change anything. These "breaks" are actually just fights. You will have to get to the root of what she wants to say for the breaks to get shorter and less frequent. Hi @mary , Thanks for commenting. I think it’s valuable to hear from someone who identifies with the DA side. I have a few questions for you. RE: your comment…” I am DA and this is a familiar story to me. I think she does or is starting to love you and the trust will grow...I think there is something she wants to tell you but doesn't think it will change anything.” QUESTION: What about the original post makes you think this? I don't see any evidence of what you are suggesting in the original post. With all due respect, could you be projecting here? RE: your comment…” I don't think it's bad to give people space when they want it and I don't think it has anything to do with power... These "breaks" are actually just fights." QUESTION: I agree it’s not bad to give people space. But I think the healthy thing to do is to ask for space, not to break up with someone and come back over and over. A fight is a fight. A break-up is a break-up. If a person is in a place where they break-up with their partner over and over, I think that’s an indication of a dysfunctional situation. Do you disagree? |
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So indeed I felt pushed to an extreme, and was very patient with giving him space before I sent a break up message.
