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Post by alissseee on Mar 1, 2019 2:29:01 GMT
Hi guys
I’m SA (with anxious tendencies depending on the situation) woman. I had been seeing a FA guy (who also happens to be on the spectrum) for a couple months. Things were wonderful, he seemed completely smitten with me. He’d always took accountability (often without me having to say anything) and was a total teddy bear.
But this one thing happened that derailed EVERYTHING.
He just moved here from across the country (without a car). I would sometimes run errands for him.
One night (around midnight) I ran to the drugstore upon his request, for what couldn’t have been more than a 30 minute round-trip. He somehow fell asleep before I got back and I was just left standing there (in a not so great neighborhood, so I felt uneasy) till he heard me calling his name over the balcony. When he opened the door, I started fussing at him for falling asleep without giving me a way to get back in. It made me feel a bit taken for granted.
He kind of started to shut down and brush me off, saying I should have brought the keys (to his Airbnb….) I didn’t even know where the keys were, nor was I told. I was mostly fixated on getting the right product. I expected that he’d at least handle the ‘giving me a way back in’ part).
To make matters worse, I expressed that I felt nervous just standing out there and he said “nothing happened” and “move on”.
He then went upstairs and told me to come up , but I stayed where I was because I was infuriated by the fact that he was depriving me of all the avenues through which I could communicate. After a few minutes, he called me on his cell to ask me to just come to bed and “stop pouting”. I told him no, citing that I was still upset.
When it was clear he had no intention of acknowledging why I might have felt the way I did, I told him I was going home. He said “okay”, so I wasted no time and just got up and left. Perhaps he didn’t think I was serious, because as soon as I got in the car, he started panicking. He texted and called me saying he loved me, that he was sorry and thanking me for getting the stuff for him, but at that point I was over it and waited to respond till I got home.
To this day, he see’s what I did as vindictive, when in reality, I felt like if he didn’t care about my feelings, he probably wouldn’t care if I left either. I simply couldn’t be there anymore because I felt completely invalidated and upset. I’d also recently been in a relationship where I was walked all over, so recently, I'm adamant about establishing firm boundaries early on for how I want to be treated. I feel like he was upset at me for turning it into a "big thing", where as I was upset that the situation had an easy fix and he refused to make it right (until I left, that is).
Things have not been the same since. It’s like he thinks 1 argument means “the end of the relationship”. I’ve since tried to pull him back out of his shell and reassure him that I’m not upset anymore. He isn’t buying it and maintains the opinion that “we are in different places in our lives” Can anyone provide insight into why this upset him so badly? Is there anything I can say or should I just leave it alone? He's come back a couple times since, but still hasn't recovered back to how he was before that night...
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 1, 2019 3:18:39 GMT
I can tell you that after a handful of conflicts my ex DA left- one conflict similar to the one you described was our first. While I didn’t actually get in my car and pull away (I went for a walk), he later told me if I had left then it would’ve been over for him. This shocked me, but we both stayed on.
A few more conflicts caused my ex DA to doubt us more, pull back and then break up with me a few weeks later. Once he started having those doubts he never was the same again- which of course caused me to feel more anxious.
Now, 16 months later and he’s still emotionally shut down on me. All this coming from a guy who said he loved me more than life and wanted to marry me. I can’t grasp letting go of someone you love after a few arguments, but the conflicts triggered him and he’s never been the same. Any drama or conflicts reinforce his belief that relationships don’t work.
He admits trust is very hard for him and he feels incapable of being in a relationship. I went no contact a couple of weeks ago bc the casual relationship we’ve been having the past several months feels empty to me....and it’s all he wants.
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Post by alissseee on Mar 1, 2019 4:48:54 GMT
I can tell you that after a handful of conflicts my ex DA left- one conflict similar to the one you described was our first. While I didn’t actually get in my car and pull away (I went for a walk), he later told me if I had left then it would’ve been over for him. This shocked me, but we both stayed on. A few more conflicts caused my ex DA to doubt us more, pull back and then break up with me a few weeks later. Once he started having those doubts he never was the same again- which of course caused me to feel more anxious. Now, 16 months later and he’s still emotionally shut down on me. All this coming from a guy who said he loved me more than life and wanted to marry me. I can’t grasp letting go of someone you love after a few arguments, but the conflicts triggered him and he’s never been the same. Any drama or conflicts reinforce his belief that relationships don’t work. He admits trust is very hard for him and he feels incapable of being in a relationship. I went no contact a couple of weeks ago bc the casual relationship we’ve been having the past several months feels empty to me....and it’s all he wants. Yup, your situation is quite similar. He did have one blip of being back to the way he was just a few days before he cut contact. He told me he loved me and would always take care of me, that he didn't want anyone else. Then, suddenly, it was like the devil on his shoulder whisper in his ear "remember what she did that night". ugh |
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 1, 2019 6:30:32 GMT
I can tell you that after a handful of conflicts my ex DA left- one conflict similar to the one you described was our first. While I didn’t actually get in my car and pull away (I went for a walk), he later told me if I had left then it would’ve been over for him. This shocked me, but we both stayed on. A few more conflicts caused my ex DA to doubt us more, pull back and then break up with me a few weeks later. Once he started having those doubts he never was the same again- which of course caused me to feel more anxious. Now, 16 months later and he’s still emotionally shut down on me. All this coming from a guy who said he loved me more than life and wanted to marry me. I can’t grasp letting go of someone you love after a few arguments, but the conflicts triggered him and he’s never been the same. Any drama or conflicts reinforce his belief that relationships don’t work. He admits trust is very hard for him and he feels incapable of being in a relationship. I went no contact a couple of weeks ago bc the casual relationship we’ve been having the past several months feels empty to me....and it’s all he wants. Yup, your situation is quite similar. He did have one blip of being back to the way he was just a few days before he cut contact. He told me he loved me and would always take care of me, that he didn't want anyone else. Then, suddenly, it was like the devil on his shoulder whisper in his ear "remember what she did that night". ugh Yes, his doubts outweigh his belief in us so he remains unmoved. He told me at the the break it was me or no one so he’s remained alone besides seeing me a few times a month. He told me he’ll die alone. He’s resigned, hopeless, defeated and now also dealing with issues with his son. I can’t make him want us- he doesn’t even want to discuss us. I thought seeing him and being in contact would build trust but I really don’t think it even matters what I do or don’t do. His mind is made up. It probably would’ve helped me let go if he cut me out of his life completely- hard as that would’ve been to accept, but living in limbo world brings no resolution or closure. I felt I had to step back. He can step up or not. I know it’s hard, and living with the regret of “if only I didn’t react that way.” You know what though? Life happens and if a person is willing to cut us out bc they couldn’t deal with a few arguments than sooner or later an obstacle or issue would’ve came up that also would’ve caused them to have doubts and shut down. Life isn’t always smooth sailing. I need a partner willing to weather the storms. |
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Post by alissseee on Mar 1, 2019 8:39:10 GMT
Yup, your situation is quite similar. He did have one blip of being back to the way he was just a few days before he cut contact. He told me he loved me and would always take care of me, that he didn't want anyone else. Then, suddenly, it was like the devil on his shoulder whisper in his ear "remember what she did that night". ugh Yes, his doubts outweigh his belief in us so he remains unmoved. He told me at the the break it was me or no one so he’s remained alone besides seeing me a few times a month. He told me he’ll die alone. He’s resigned, hopeless, defeated and now also dealing with issues with his son. I can’t make him want us- he doesn’t even want to discuss us. I thought seeing him and being in contact would build trust but I really don’t think it even matters what I do or don’t do. His mind is made up. It probably would’ve helped me let go if he cut me out of his life completely- hard as that would’ve been to accept, but living in limbo world brings no resolution or closure. I felt I had to step back. He can step up or not. I know it’s hard, and living with the regret of “if only I didn’t react that way.” You know what though? Life happens and if a person is willing to cut us out bc they couldn’t deal with a few arguments than sooner or later an obstacle or issue would’ve came up that also would’ve caused them to have doubts and shut down. Life isn’t always smooth sailing. I need a partner willing to weather the storms. I started to have the same doubts. Then I'm like, hey, snap out of it! It's not your fault he has the emotional bandwidth of a pebble. If he cares enough, he will try... |
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 1, 2019 11:04:42 GMT
Yes, his doubts outweigh his belief in us so he remains unmoved. He told me at the the break it was me or no one so he’s remained alone besides seeing me a few times a month. He told me he’ll die alone. He’s resigned, hopeless, defeated and now also dealing with issues with his son. I can’t make him want us- he doesn’t even want to discuss us. I thought seeing him and being in contact would build trust but I really don’t think it even matters what I do or don’t do. His mind is made up. It probably would’ve helped me let go if he cut me out of his life completely- hard as that would’ve been to accept, but living in limbo world brings no resolution or closure. I felt I had to step back. He can step up or not. I know it’s hard, and living with the regret of “if only I didn’t react that way.” You know what though? Life happens and if a person is willing to cut us out bc they couldn’t deal with a few arguments than sooner or later an obstacle or issue would’ve came up that also would’ve caused them to have doubts and shut down. Life isn’t always smooth sailing. I need a partner willing to weather the storms. I started to have the same doubts. Then I'm like, hey, snap out of it! It's not your fault he has the emotional bandwidth of a pebble. If he cares enough, he will try... Yes, that’s why I stopped reaching out. He responded but didn’t initiate. I decided to take my hands out of this- he can step up if he chooses to...he could choose us. It’s hard bc I miss him but we were stuck and I didn’t see it changing. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2019 12:59:09 GMT
A midnight trip to the drugstore sounds important- what did you pick up for him? That stinks he fell asleep and you were locked out. It sounds accidental though. I've been locked out and there is that split second when you realize, you don't know how long it's going to last or if you'll get in at all, maybe a person won't wake up! And in a bad neighborhood to boot.
Maybe he didn't see it as a big deal, maybe he felt like crap about it and awkwardly tried to minimize it and move on. Whatever his perspective is, he probably is wary of making a mistake with you and having it blow up in his face and ruin a whole night without any chance of resolution. It escalated, because of how both of you handled it.
You know who your friends are when you're having a hard time, when something goes wrong. It doesn't seem like you two were gracious or understanding with each other and just defended your own territories. So trust and a feeling of partnership is pretty dented up.
He tried to reverse course with you but you were done. Maybe he's at his limit because of that. There might have been that split second (ah those split seconds when we get triggered- You probably know about it) where he didn't know if you were coming back, if he was being absolutely abaondoned because he fell asleep and it messed you up and it messed things up and he didn't handle it well so Eff It All. I mean, you got in your car and wouldn't respond.
That's a lot of drama and stress. If it were me I would want to avoid a repeat. The whole thing went horribly wrong over - falling asleep. Were either of you drinking ?
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Post by ocarina on Mar 1, 2019 13:12:18 GMT
Did you say he was on the spectrum? If so this changes everything - he doesn't have the "emotional bandwidth of a pebble" quite simply he doesn't and is not able to understand where you're coming from - and may have many other challenges besides this.
ASD is a communication disorder and also a way of looking at the world which is very very different from that of most people. Relationships are based on communication.
I may have misread your post - but if not, then this is very likely an ASD issue - quite often partners on the autistic spectrum can cope well up to a point - but somewhere along the line, the differences and difficulties begin to show and I wonder if this is your first glimpse of just how challenging such a relationship can be.
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Post by ocarina on Mar 1, 2019 13:22:33 GMT
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Post by sissyk on Mar 1, 2019 15:44:44 GMT
This. I did lots of reading about how being on the spectrum can be a factor in relationships after learning about it on these boards. I would suggest exploring that as the primary issue here rather than seeing it through an attachment lens first.
From my reading shutting down emotionally is a way to keep from feeling overwhelmed.
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Post by alissseee on Mar 1, 2019 16:01:14 GMT
This. I did lots of reading about how being on the spectrum can be a factor in relationships after learning about it on these boards. I would suggest exploring that as the primary issue here rather than seeing it through an attachment lens first. From my reading shutting down emotionally is a way to keep from feeling overwhelmed. I've explored both avenues. I just started exploring the idea of his attachment style being a factor as well. He had a not so great childhood. I don't get the sense that he was emotionally supported in the way that he needed to be as a kid. So I think it might be a double whammy. |
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Post by alissseee on Mar 1, 2019 16:08:08 GMT
A midnight trip to the drugstore sounds important- what did you pick up for him? That stinks he fell asleep and you were locked out. It sounds accidental though. I've been locked out and there is that split second when you realize, you don't know how long it's going to last or if you'll get in at all, maybe a person won't wake up! And in a bad neighborhood to boot. Maybe he didn't see it as a big deal, maybe he felt like crap about it and awkwardly tried to minimize it and move on. Whatever his perspective is, he probably is wary of making a mistake with you and having it blow up in his face and ruin a whole night without any chance of resolution. It escalated, because of how both of you handled it. You know who your friends are when you're having a hard time, when something goes wrong. It doesn't seem like you two were gracious or understanding with each other and just defended your own territories. So trust and a feeling of partnership is pretty dented up. He tried to reverse course with you but you were done. Maybe he's at his limit because of that. There might have been that split second (ah those split seconds when we get triggered- You probably know about it) where he didn't know if you were coming back, if he was being absolutely abaondoned because he fell asleep and it messed you up and it messed things up and he didn't handle it well so Eff It All. I mean, you got in your car and wouldn't respond. That's a lot of drama and stress. If it were me I would want to avoid a repeat. The whole thing went horribly wrong over - falling asleep. Were either of you drinking ? I picked up breath right strips. And well said. Neither of us were really willing to back down in that moment. I feel like maybe he's never had to really worry about the things I do. He's 6'5 and can (and has) knocked out full grown dudes. lol. He can practically go anywhere. I tried to back track as well once I got home and called him back. Tried to explain that I was a bit of a raw nerve from a previous relationship and was trying to draw boundaries. I tried to explain why I was upset to the point of leaving, but at that point it was too late. |
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Post by ocarina on Mar 1, 2019 16:09:50 GMT
Asd is often genetically linked so parenting by parents on the spectrum is common. Nothing happens in isolation but expecting a partner with asd to understand your feelings is like expecting a blind person to see..... by adulthood many people on the spectrum have layers of coping mechanisms have been rejected time and time again.
Navigation in this kind of relationship is way beyond the scars left by parental neglect and not for the faint hearted.
Finding reasons and analysis tends to cloud the issue which is how dies this make you feel? Are you able to navigate this without taking it personally? Would he and you be willing to talk openly about his diagnosis and seek professional help from someone with a xperience in this area?
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Post by alissseee on Mar 1, 2019 16:26:36 GMT
Asd is often genetically linked so parenting by parents on the spectrum is common. Nothing happens in isolation but expecting a partner with asd to understand your feelings is like expecting a blind person to see..... by adulthood many people on the spectrum have layers of coping mechanisms have been rejected time and time again. Navigation in this kind of relationship is way beyond the scars left by parental neglect and not for the faint hearted. Finding reasons and analysis tends to cloud the issue which is how dies this make you feel? Are you able to navigate this without taking it personally? Would he and you be willing to talk openly about his diagnosis and seek professional help from someone with a xperience in this area? It is a frustrating feeling, but I'm not at the end of my rope. But I can't move forward unless he helps himself as well. Can't all be front wheel drive. He has acknowledged that counseling is probably needed, but hasn't expressed much willingness to pull the trigger. I have a feeling he'll pop back up. In the meantime, I've been trying to research therapists who have experience with autism and/or trauma. I'm honestly willing to put in the work to load the rifle and make things easier for him. All he needs to do is pull the trigger. I do love him and feel that he is worth it. I think I often forget about his struggles being on the spectrum because he's so damn smart and covers it quite well most of the time. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2019 16:30:19 GMT
A midnight trip to the drugstore sounds important- what did you pick up for him? That stinks he fell asleep and you were locked out. It sounds accidental though. I've been locked out and there is that split second when you realize, you don't know how long it's going to last or if you'll get in at all, maybe a person won't wake up! And in a bad neighborhood to boot. Maybe he didn't see it as a big deal, maybe he felt like crap about it and awkwardly tried to minimize it and move on. Whatever his perspective is, he probably is wary of making a mistake with you and having it blow up in his face and ruin a whole night without any chance of resolution. It escalated, because of how both of you handled it. You know who your friends are when you're having a hard time, when something goes wrong. It doesn't seem like you two were gracious or understanding with each other and just defended your own territories. So trust and a feeling of partnership is pretty dented up. He tried to reverse course with you but you were done. Maybe he's at his limit because of that. There might have been that split second (ah those split seconds when we get triggered- You probably know about it) where he didn't know if you were coming back, if he was being absolutely abaondoned because he fell asleep and it messed you up and it messed things up and he didn't handle it well so Eff It All. I mean, you got in your car and wouldn't respond. That's a lot of drama and stress. If it were me I would want to avoid a repeat. The whole thing went horribly wrong over - falling asleep. Were either of you drinking ? I picked up breath right strips. And well said. Neither of us were really willing to back down in that moment. I feel like maybe he's never had to really worry about the things I do. He's 6'5 and can (and has) knocked out full grown dudes. lol. He can practically go anywhere. I tried to back track as well once I got home and called him back. Tried to explain that I was a bit of a raw nerve from a previous relationship and was trying to draw boundaries. I tried to explain why I was upset to the point of leaving, but at that point it was too late. Really, what I see is insecurity and a real lack of empathy going BOTH WAYS. I see a lack of empathy for him in you, the human body can get fatigued and he fell asleep. Do you think he was trying to lock you out? You said you felt taken for granted. So he may have been exhausted, not thinking clearly, surely not thinking ill of you and out to disrespect or endanger you. He fell asleep, in a half hour. All hell broke loose, because of that. I would see it differently if he stayed awake and disrespected you when you handed him the strips he needed. But he fell asleep. And his lack of empathy is coming from truly not knowing how you feel, he could have tried to empathize, sure. But he was already under attack and he didn't. Neither of you were empathetic and caring about the other person's insecurity, feelings, intentions, it was a real emotional clusterfuggg and perhaps triggering abandonment and rejection and feelings of inadequacy and defensiveness in both of you. Anyway; it has happened. Saying he doesn't have the emotional bandwidth of a pebble, I wonder, what do you expect here? Are you being realistic, in your questions here, and in your expectations for the relationship? It seems like a person with AP baggage would be a bad match to a person with FA baggage and a spectrum disorder. What are you really thinking can or should happen here? I don't believe in should, i believe in "is" but my point is- where is your mind at, not where is his mind at, where is your mind at? Trying to be helpful because I find illusions of any kind to be like a thick black blindfold and it's not fun to wear one of those, it's not fun for any of us. |
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