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Post by ocarina on Mar 13, 2019 12:57:29 GMT
So today is my birthday - (this isn't an announcement on here for everyone to wish me a happy one btw!!!) - and something has come up - my mum and my sister have either forgotten or chosen to ignore this and I notice now that it brings up some really strange feelings. I actually feel guilty towards my mother as though it's my fault for not being in touch enough - as though if I'd better things would be different. So there are layers of hurt - the feeling unloved and unseen and a second layer of feeling as though I am in the wrong. I think this happens a lot but I haven't been fully aware of it.
I have a cluster of close friends (quite a new thing for me!) and we have celebrated together and all my children have been very lovely so there's not a general feeling of neglect but my relationship with my mother is really tricky - I try to heal it again and again but seems I'm not equipped to do so and I feel extra avoidant around her. I have worked so hard to become more open and loving - but in this most basic of relationships I still feel the pain - and as a result find myself putting up barriers. |
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Post by mistakes on Mar 13, 2019 13:42:40 GMT
It’s not a good feeling to realise the distance with mother, specially on special occasions.
My therapist support me to be guilty free and give myself as much distance from my mom, for as much as I need. Only do things out of love, not out of fear not guilt. I ended up didn’t contact her for a year, not even a word to her on special occasions. It turn out that things got better slowly, and the relationship become more steady and I grow more power to sustain all her negativity.
I’m aware that every bonding is different, just want to be there for you, like you do to me.
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 13, 2019 16:53:00 GMT
So today is my birthday - (this isn't an announcement on here for everyone to wish me a happy one btw!!!) - and something has come up - my mum and my sister have either forgotten or chosen to ignore this and I notice now that it brings up some really strange feelings. I actually feel guilty towards my mother as though it's my fault for not being in touch enough - as though if I'd better things would be different. So there are layers of hurt - the feeling unloved and unseen and a second layer of feeling as though I am in the wrong. I think this happens a lot but I haven't been fully aware of it.
I have a cluster of close friends (quite a new thing for me!) and we have celebrated together and all my children have been very lovely so there's not a general feeling of neglect but my relationship with my mother is really tricky - I try to heal it again and again but seems I'm not equipped to do so and I feel extra avoidant around her. I have worked so hard to become more open and loving - but in this most basic of relationships I still feel the pain - and as a result find myself putting up barriers. - I’m so sorry for your family members’ lack of consideration. You need not feel guilty for a parent and sister not taking the time to reach out and let you know you are remembered on your special day. It is not your fault or responsibility the way others choose to treat you. You can only control your own actions. You put up barriers for a reason. You tried to heal the relationship, but it’s complex so you put up walls to protect yourself. That is sometimes necessary to preserve our own well-being. No matter the distance and complications that doesn’t exclude family from extending general well wishes! If this is how they choose to be, I’d move forward with no guilt for their actions, recognizing they have issues of their own. Continue to surround yourself with people who love and celebrate awesome you! Happy Birthday - I hope you enjoy it anyway!! 🎈 🎂 🎈 |
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Post by ocarina on Mar 13, 2019 20:05:57 GMT
Thank you for your support it means a lot.
My sister called me and had sent a card to slightly the wrong address and eventually I called my mum - again she posted a gift and card which hadn’t yet arrived.
All a lesson in how deep these wounds run.... and how the lens of attachment chooses how we interpret situations and react to them even when we’d consider ourselves self aware.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2019 20:35:26 GMT
Thank you for your support it means a lot. My sister called me and had sent a card to slightly the wrong address and eventually I called my mum - again she posted a gift and card which hadn’t yet arrived. All a lesson in how deep these wounds run.... and how the lens of attachment chooses how we interpret situations and react to them even when we’d consider ourselves self aware. Ah, ocarina, it seems like just a little bad luck. But it was a trigger; and it's understandable. It triggered old pain for you. What a nice turn that you weren't forgotten after all. That makes me happy for you. One thing I have undertaken in my path toward security, is to notice when I am triggered and ask myself "Wait, am I Sure about my perception here? What else could be the case?" Negative thinking about relationships and expecting the worst has been a way of life since I began, apparently that's a big part of insecure attachment.  Often, things are not as they seem initially, and I often don't have to go very far into soothing myself because I can catch the perception early on and make contact with the person in question to communicate or remedy the situation right away. Of course, there are times when the trigger is due to actual dysfunction or negative behavior from another- in that case, the loving thing to do is figure out what to do,how to remedy. But it seems like that isn't the case today on your special day and I'm truly happy for you. Happy Birthday!!!  |
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Post by 8675309 on Mar 14, 2019 1:01:56 GMT
Still saying Happy birthday! |
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Post by alexandra on Mar 14, 2019 3:17:33 GMT
Yes, happy birthday to you!! Glad it's sorted. 🎉
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 16, 2019 15:13:41 GMT
So today is my birthday - (this isn't an announcement on here for everyone to wish me a happy one btw!!!) - and something has come up - my mum and my sister have either forgotten or chosen to ignore this and I notice now that it brings up some really strange feelings. I actually feel guilty towards my mother as though it's my fault for not being in touch enough - as though if I'd better things would be different. So there are layers of hurt - the feeling unloved and unseen and a second layer of feeling as though I am in the wrong. I think this happens a lot but I haven't been fully aware of it.
I have a cluster of close friends (quite a new thing for me!) and we have celebrated together and all my children have been very lovely so there's not a general feeling of neglect but my relationship with my mother is really tricky - I try to heal it again and again but seems I'm not equipped to do so and I feel extra avoidant around her. I have worked so hard to become more open and loving - but in this most basic of relationships I still feel the pain - and as a result find myself putting up barriers. A very happy...belated birthday!, Your advise has been so important to me while navigating these forums. I am so terribly sorry about the fact that your mom and sister did not acknowledge this very special day....it would hurt me as well and would also bring up feelings of wounded ness and then guards to protect me from it all. Take your time to process through whatever you need to...we are here for you.💕💕💕💕 |
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Post by ocarina on Mar 16, 2019 16:40:33 GMT
So today is my birthday - (this isn't an announcement on here for everyone to wish me a happy one btw!!!) - and something has come up - my mum and my sister have either forgotten or chosen to ignore this and I notice now that it brings up some really strange feelings. I actually feel guilty towards my mother as though it's my fault for not being in touch enough - as though if I'd better things would be different. So there are layers of hurt - the feeling unloved and unseen and a second layer of feeling as though I am in the wrong. I think this happens a lot but I haven't been fully aware of it.
I have a cluster of close friends (quite a new thing for me!) and we have celebrated together and all my children have been very lovely so there's not a general feeling of neglect but my relationship with my mother is really tricky - I try to heal it again and again but seems I'm not equipped to do so and I feel extra avoidant around her. I have worked so hard to become more open and loving - but in this most basic of relationships I still feel the pain - and as a result find myself putting up barriers. A very happy...belated birthday!, Your advise has been so important to me while navigating these forums. I am so terribly sorry about the fact that your mom and sister did not acknowledge this very special day....it would hurt me as well and would also bring up feelings of wounded ness and then guards to protect me from it all. Take your time to process through whatever you need to...we are here for you.💕💕💕💕 Thank you tnr9 - it is very interesting that having behaved in a typical DA fashion for the majority of my adult life, with work, attention and awareness I now liken myself much more closely to an FA in that I recognise the hurts and am aware of my barrier making - rather than just being closed by default. In other words I am now aware of trigger response and action - whilst in the past I would have told myself I didn't care and just got on with life.
I am at my most avoidant with people who've hurt me in the past and still feel unsafe - like my mother.
I do wonder if FA is a somewhat more aware DA - since underneath all the dismissive behaviours there is a well camouflaged human being wanting to be loved but often unable to admit it even to themselves.
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Post by ocarina on Mar 16, 2019 16:41:50 GMT
The good thing is that cards arrived the next day! - and I spoke to my mum and have made a pact with myself to recognise my avoidance and take little steps towards connection with her - nothing life changing but hopefully it will make a difference to both of us.
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Post by mrob on Mar 18, 2019 12:45:49 GMT
That’s incredible. I wouldn’t have thought it possible to move from Dismissive to Fearful. I wouldn’t have thought it desirable. In fact, I’ve doubted it’s a spectrum, rather extreme branches from halfway up a tree. To have the awareness without the accompanying fear would be positive progress.
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Post by goldilocks on Mar 18, 2019 18:09:08 GMT
Happy Birthday!
How often would you like to call or visit your mom and feel like you are doing enough to stay in touch? And feel confident in the quality of the relationship so you would be able to show generosity of spirit?
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 18, 2019 20:58:38 GMT
A very happy...belated birthday!, Your advise has been so important to me while navigating these forums. I am so terribly sorry about the fact that your mom and sister did not acknowledge this very special day....it would hurt me as well and would also bring up feelings of wounded ness and then guards to protect me from it all. Take your time to process through whatever you need to...we are here for you.💕💕💕💕 Thank you tnr9 - it is very interesting that having behaved in a typical DA fashion for the majority of my adult life, with work, attention and awareness I now liken myself much more closely to an FA in that I recognise the hurts and am aware of my barrier making - rather than just being closed by default. In other words I am now aware of trigger response and action - whilst in the past I would have told myself I didn't care and just got on with life.
I am at my most avoidant with people who've hurt me in the past and still feel unsafe - like my mother.
I do wonder if FA is a somewhat more aware DA - since underneath all the dismissive behaviours there is a well camouflaged human being wanting to be loved but often unable to admit it even to themselves.
I think there such a big difference in the DA and FA in that the DA has low anxiety so when they fear getting close or distrust, they really are able to tolerate and accept being alone- even if not preferring it at an unconscious level. Without that anxiety to pull them in- they find it exceptionally easy and comfortable to just disconnect and resume isolated island status. My DA has an incredible sense of independence and the belief that no one will ever bother to take care of him or be there for him. I see the FA and DA as very different bc no one detaches and shuts down like a DA. |
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Post by ocarina on Mar 19, 2019 23:11:13 GMT
I behaved as an extreme DA for the majority of my adult life - minimal anxiety - I could shake off relationships within hours. I could win partners and discard them, never really ever felt any connection - and in fact never really allowed real connection to develop by avoiding intimacy.
Since I have explored the art of being present with feelings and have cultivated and actually allowed closeness and acknowledged to myself that I do need people and love - the fear which I believe underlay my DA behaviours, has began to surface - and if I feel it in a significant way I will avoid again although for the vast majority of the time I'm pretty secure.
This is my experience - as a DA I had low anxiety only because I totally never became invested and for that reason had nothing to lose by being alone. The world seems safer that way. It's so much better nowadays but in making the choice to allow closeness I have had to accept that hurt and insecurity will arise and it does - maybe this is not FA but rather being secure and vulnerable - although in the early days the fear came all at once and it felt like a very edgy place to reside.
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 20, 2019 1:14:53 GMT
I behaved as an extreme DA for the majority of my adult life - minimal anxiety - I could shake off relationships within hours. I could win partners and discard them, never really ever felt any connection - and in fact never really allowed real connection to develop by avoiding intimacy. Since I have explored the art of being present with feelings and have cultivated and actually allowed closeness and acknowledged to myself that I do need people and love - the fear which I believe underlay my DA behaviours, has began to surface - and if I feel it in a significant way I will avoid again although for the vast majority of the time I'm pretty secure. This is my experience - as a DA I had low anxiety only because I totally never became invested and for that reason had nothing to lose by being alone. The world seems safer that way. It's so much better nowadays but in making the choice to allow closeness I have had to accept that hurt and insecurity will arise and it does - maybe this is not FA but rather being secure and vulnerable - although in the early days the fear came all at once and it felt like a very edgy place to reside. - Your feelings sound very much like how my ex- never get close, don’t get invested so you don’t lose. Don’t open up so you don’t get hurt. He only opened up to me for the first time in his life and then fairly quickly shut back down to his default DA setting. That’s his safe place. I don’t know if he’ll ever leave it. I think your feelings of insecurity and vulnerability could very much be a secure feeling in response to a situation. Secures also get triggered and feel fear and vulnerability- they just cope with it better and are more able to work out that space either by themselves or with a partner. I don’t think anyone is spared those negative feelings at times -although I understand how in moving toward secure I will stop and check myself and think about if I’m acting in AP mode or if it’s a normal and acceptable response, even to a secure. Either way, it’s a good sign that we’re slowing down and reflecting on our feelings before being reactive. |
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Often, things are not as they seem initially, and I often don't have to go very far into soothing myself because I can catch the perception early on and make contact with the person in question to communicate or remedy the situation right away.
