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Post by sissyk on Apr 1, 2019 21:01:02 GMT
I'm sorry you are having a hard time. You get permission to be an imperfect human. You have put up with a great deal with him. It shows you something that when you veered off script for him he bolted. View it as more data. He can not or will not engage on the talking and feeling level which you need and want. The banter worked ok for him if you keep to his script. Forgive yourself. You didn't blow it. If he is that brittle he was going to pull up drawbridge at first glimpse of need. Go no contact again. He is just going to annoyed if you attempt more repair. You may reconnect in time and he may have forgotten this chapter. But I wouldn't initiate until you feel you are totally over him as it seems to put you back in the painful dynamic. Hugs. Thank you sissyk 💜 I was hoping you’d respond bc you are always a voice of reason w sound advice. Right- he absolutely bolted and completely shut down on me at the first glimpse of intimacy. Yes, I overshared and regretted my vulnerable texts, but a less avoidant person could’ve just questioned me, said he’s not ready for that or just laughed at me. He had other options!!! I feel like I can’t be perfect enough for him. I’ve never walked on eggshells before with a romantic partner and it’s extremely hard, hurtful and frustrating. I feel like I can’t do anything right. There’s no grace. This abandonment feeling in my stomach has lasted since Friday night. It feels like a ball of rejection, shame, regret and isolation. It’s really bad, but I do appreciate your response and advice. Hope you’re well sissyk 💞 Please give yourself the kind understanding you deserve. You are spot on that another partner might have responded with compassion to your heartfelt text. With another partner you might have had a meaningful conversation from your musings, two veterans of a tough time reflecting back. He is not right and you wrong here. Revise your story to yourself, please. You tried something. He couldn't or wouldn't tolerate it. You learned something from the exchange. That's how we all do life...making mistakes as we go. A real partner for you won't have a zero tolerance policy. |
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 1, 2019 21:10:14 GMT
Thank you sissyk 💜 I was hoping you’d respond bc you are always a voice of reason w sound advice. Right- he absolutely bolted and completely shut down on me at the first glimpse of intimacy. Yes, I overshared and regretted my vulnerable texts, but a less avoidant person could’ve just questioned me, said he’s not ready for that or just laughed at me. He had other options!!! I feel like I can’t be perfect enough for him. I’ve never walked on eggshells before with a romantic partner and it’s extremely hard, hurtful and frustrating. I feel like I can’t do anything right. There’s no grace. This abandonment feeling in my stomach has lasted since Friday night. It feels like a ball of rejection, shame, regret and isolation. It’s really bad, but I do appreciate your response and advice. Hope you’re well sissyk 💞 Please give yourself the kind understanding you deserve. You are spot on that another partner might have responded with compassion to your heartfelt text. With another partner you might have had a meaningful conversation from your musings, two veterans of a tough time reflecting back. He is not right and you wrong here. Revise your story to yourself, please. You tried something. He couldn't or wouldn't tolerate it. You learned something from the exchange. That's how we all do life...making mistakes as we go. A real partner for you won't have a zero tolerance policy. ❤️ You’re wonderful- thank you for your kind reminder xoxo |
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Post by mrob on Apr 1, 2019 21:41:59 GMT
The other question is, why is a dismissive avoidant making contact with someone from his past? Is it the hope of NSA sex? It’s quite clearly not for a relationship. It takes two to be friends.
The lady who brought me to the point of being here sometimes contacts me. She’s in a long standing committed relationship, cohabitating, having what I couldn’t give her. I act with propriety, I think about the fact that she really does want to be friends, but internally I go into a spin. Astrange mix of “I dodged a bullet there” and “I messed her around for so long and I miss her”. After that initial deactivation and revulsion, I missed her. Part of me longs for her. I know that NC is the only way, and I’ve kidded myself that I can be friends. I can’t. One day, maybe, but I very much doubt it. The scab needs time to heal, is my point. NC seems to be the only way it happens.
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Post by ocarina on Apr 1, 2019 21:42:36 GMT
sissyk makes a very good point - part of the fall out from this kind of relationship is that the other person seems so - for want of a better word, self assured and this tends to result in the more needy partner feeling weak and as though it's their fault. In reality healthy partners do have needs and are open to sharing them, to listen and be heard. Being vulnerable is part of an authentic and empowered life - don't let someone elses reactivity define you or make you feel shame. “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 1, 2019 22:40:34 GMT
sissyk makes a very good point - part of the fall out from this kind of relationship is that the other person seems so - for want of a better word, self assured and this tends to result in the more needy partner feeling weak and as though it's their fault. In reality healthy partners do have needs and are open to sharing them, to listen and be heard. Being vulnerable is part of an authentic and empowered life - don't let someone elses reactivity define you or make you feel shame. “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” - love this! Thank you!! 💞💞💞 |
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 2, 2019 0:30:27 GMT
lilyg - Apparently not, I woke up again with that sick feeling in my stomach that makes me to keep sleeping. I recognize it- the abandonment feeling. This happened twice before with him when he walked away. Yes, I was feeling confident until I realized he shut down and wouldn’t acknowledge my texts- then the anxiety and feeling of abandonment hit me all at once. It physically hurts I see. I have felt that too. Just a knot in the stomach feeling guilty perhaps? Abandonment is sure difficult to deal with... it's hard to ease it because we want to get close to the person who triggered it, and they of course can't offer support. What can you today to take care of yourself? Maybe with a friend or by yourself. When I feel nervous or exhausted I often go to a bar I love and have a glass of wine while reading a nice book, then I go home and cook something healthy for dinner. Thanks lilyg - going out and cooking a meal sounds like a very healthy and secure way to handle this anxiety, but my level was so high and painful since Fri that no amount of any sane sounding idea would’ve helped, unfortunately. I think I needed time. I did go for walks, cleaned and listened to music- the best thing was having my kids return from their visitation w their dad. Also, going to work today was a great distraction- I have little time to think of myself there. Just tonight the feeling of pain in my stomach has subsided- I haven’t felt this pain since our fight in July when he said he was done- feels like guilt, shame, isolation, loneliness and overall rejection. It literally hurts to breathe when I feel this way. I think I’m heading in the right direction tonight, surrounded by my kids and not feeling triggered. I’m about to take a hot shower. Thank you so much for your on-going support- you always sound so sweet and mellow 💞 |
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 2, 2019 0:34:48 GMT
Just own it, its ok!  Reality is you probably just said real things that needed to be said and didnt hold back anymore, its him thats the problem as he cant deal. Remember you got you even if they run and even though it sucks right now. I would not attempt to repair and just own it and keep on with your life, hes not good for you. Your anxious side is triggering repair, stay in your secure because its not worth repair and deep down you know its not. And I know the feeling of being dumped with all over again, I felt that with my guy on a come back thinking it was good for him to run again. This was before I knew about attachment. Thank you 8675309 💜 Yes, my AP yells REPAIR, RESTORE!!! I’m finally coming down off consistent high anxiety and grueling stomach pain tonight. The triggering physically hurts. Yes, I’ve got me. xoxo |
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 2, 2019 0:41:12 GMT
The other question is, why is a dismissive avoidant making contact with someone from his past? Is it the hope of NSA sex? It’s quite clearly not for a relationship. It takes two to be friends. The lady who brought me to the point of being here sometimes contacts me. She’s in a long standing committed relationship, cohabitating, having what I couldn’t give her. I act with propriety, I think about the fact that she really does want to be friends, but internally I go into a spin. Astrange mix of “I dodged a bullet there” and “I messed her around for so long and I miss her”. After that initial deactivation and revulsion, I missed her. Part of me longs for her. I know that NC is the only way, and I’ve kidded myself that I can be friends. I can’t. One day, maybe, but I very much doubt it. The scab needs time to heal, is my point. NC seems to be the only way it happens. - now that I’ve shared my feelings that I haven’t expressed in a year- I was being fairly cool for months, I’m sure he’s thinking he can never give me what I want and that’s why he cut me. I don’t know why he’s seen me the past 16 months? He def could get sex elsewhere- sex free of a messy history. I thought maybe a small part of him wondered if we could make it work so he didn’t want to move on with someone else but he reacted so strongly to my talking about what I want that apparently he’s written me off. He told me before I have no idea how messed up he is- I see that more and more in time. I don’t understand why he isn’t willing to try- besides he has walls he can’t bring down. It all hurts |
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 2, 2019 1:07:56 GMT
The other question is, why is a dismissive avoidant making contact with someone from his past? Is it the hope of NSA sex? It’s quite clearly not for a relationship. It takes two to be friends. The lady who brought me to the point of being here sometimes contacts me. She’s in a long standing committed relationship, cohabitating, having what I couldn’t give her. I act with propriety, I think about the fact that she really does want to be friends, but internally I go into a spin. Astrange mix of “I dodged a bullet there” and “I messed her around for so long and I miss her”. After that initial deactivation and revulsion, I missed her. Part of me longs for her. I know that NC is the only way, and I’ve kidded myself that I can be friends. I can’t. One day, maybe, but I very much doubt it. The scab needs time to heal, is my point. NC seems to be the only way it happens. - ok, so he just texted back a response from my text. He said “I just have to keep it simple.” What do you think, as an avoidant man- is he just after sex? Even though he could get that anywhere from girls who don’t care to know his last name? Why me...Does he just trust me w sex and nothing else? Does a part of him still have feelings that are shoved down? |
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Post by mrob on Apr 2, 2019 4:28:32 GMT
Sex as a man is difficult at best to get. There are very, very few women who are interested without strings. That is a fact of life that most men deal with from adolescence. What’s the saying? “Women have sex to love, and men love to have sex”?
I’ve found the amount of women at my age (43) that want to settle down into permanent, cohabitating relationships utterly amazing, and I’d much rather not. I’m happy for the scintillating conversation, to have each other’s back, to care, but I’m not interested in the dramatics any more. Us insecurely attached people are hard work.
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Post by lilyg on Apr 2, 2019 8:16:23 GMT
I see. I have felt that too. Just a knot in the stomach feeling guilty perhaps? Abandonment is sure difficult to deal with... it's hard to ease it because we want to get close to the person who triggered it, and they of course can't offer support. What can you today to take care of yourself? Maybe with a friend or by yourself. When I feel nervous or exhausted I often go to a bar I love and have a glass of wine while reading a nice book, then I go home and cook something healthy for dinner. Thanks lilyg - going out and cooking a meal sounds like a very healthy and secure way to handle this anxiety, but my level was so high and painful since Fri that no amount of any sane sounding idea would’ve helped, unfortunately. I think I needed time. I did go for walks, cleaned and listened to music- the best thing was having my kids return from their visitation w their dad. Also, going to work today was a great distraction- I have little time to think of myself there. Just tonight the feeling of pain in my stomach has subsided- I haven’t felt this pain since our fight in July when he said he was done- feels like guilt, shame, isolation, loneliness and overall rejection. It literally hurts to breathe when I feel this way. I think I’m heading in the right direction tonight, surrounded by my kids and not feeling triggered. I’m about to take a hot shower. Thank you so much for your on-going support- you always sound so sweet and mellow 💞 No problem, I'm glad to help I understand the guilt... it's a shame, but you know it's not a text that makes this situation with him painful. Insecure attachment comes from a long time ago... we can only try to understand and help in our human, imperfect way. Im glad you can relax with your kids, I'm sure they're wonderful! About NC, I think, sadly, is the way for both people to heal. Ambiguity is a lonely hunter. |
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Post by 8675309 on Apr 2, 2019 11:57:19 GMT
Sex as a man is difficult at best to get. There are very, very few women who are interested without strings. That is a fact of life that most men deal with from adolescence. What’s the saying? “Women have sex to love, and men love to have sex”? I’ve found the amount of women at my age (43) that want to settle down into permanent, cohabitating relationships utterly amazing, and I’d much rather not. I’m happy for the scintillating conversation, to have each other’s back, to care, but I’m not interested in the dramatics any more. Us insecurely attached people are hard work. Its the age range and normal to want that at this age.
Do these women seem to want cohabitation quickly though? I know some do and on the fast track...Ive seen it and Im like whoa, slow down...
Im in this age range and looking for stability/permanent but not rushing to move in together, etc. Sure grow there eventually but not in a rush at all for that. I want to enjoy each other and slowly grow together. No need to move fast into cohabitation/marriage to build a solid relationship and grow. Frankly for me I dont care about marriage, its paper, I care about a solid foundation and marriage/living together doesn't equal solid. People get married/move in together and they have a pile of problems that should be dealt with before marriage/living together and they dont... Epic fail.
I find many rush and it fails because they rushed. If rushed/timelined its more than likely the have issues to work on/more AP.
Ive even rushed... was I rushing it, no, it happened that way but I didn't slow it down, guess what, fail. LOL Lesson learned!
And you're not ready to go there again yet, its ok you're not so I hope you dont feel bad in anyway youre not ready for that yet. Youve grown enough to know you're not ready right now and thats a good thing. Youre loving yourself right now trying to heal and work through things. You may in the future with more time and healing.
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Post by ocarina on Apr 2, 2019 20:51:34 GMT
Sex as a man is difficult at best to get. There are very, very few women who are interested without strings. That is a fact of life that most men deal with from adolescence. What’s the saying? “Women have sex to love, and men love to have sex”? I’ve found the amount of women at my age (43) that want to settle down into permanent, cohabitating relationships utterly amazing, and I’d much rather not. I’m happy for the scintillating conversation, to have each other’s back, to care, but I’m not interested in the dramatics any more. Us insecurely attached people are hard work. What I see here - and I have been that person very much, is the mistaken vision that it is possible to have a real close relationship without having to deal with the messy stuff - the emotional reality that really being close to another person brings. I totally get that we should all be responsible for the baggage we bring to a relationship, but intimacy without conflict is simply impossible if we are ever to have true closeness with another person simply because this closeness inevitably pricks our sore spots - it's learning to deal with our own reactivity rather that avoiding the perceived messiness of another persons presence that is real maturity and leads to real freedom.
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 2, 2019 20:56:55 GMT
Sex as a man is difficult at best to get. There are very, very few women who are interested without strings. That is a fact of life that most men deal with from adolescence. What’s the saying? “Women have sex to love, and men love to have sex”? I’ve found the amount of women at my age (43) that want to settle down into permanent, cohabitating relationships utterly amazing, and I’d much rather not. I’m happy for the scintillating conversation, to have each other’s back, to care, but I’m not interested in the dramatics any more. Us insecurely attached people are hard work. What I see here - and I have been that person very much, is the mistaken vision that it is possible to have a real close relationship without having to deal with the messy stuff - the emotional reality that really being close to another person brings. I totally get that we should all be responsible for the baggage we bring to a relationship, but intimacy without conflict is simply impossible if we are ever to have true closeness with another person simply because this closeness inevitably pricks our sore spots - it's learning to deal with our own reactivity rather that avoiding the perceived messiness of another persons presence that is real maturity and leads to real freedom.
- Absolutely true |
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 2, 2019 21:02:33 GMT
Sex as a man is difficult at best to get. There are very, very few women who are interested without strings. That is a fact of life that most men deal with from adolescence. What’s the saying? “Women have sex to love, and men love to have sex”? I’ve found the amount of women at my age (43) that want to settle down into permanent, cohabitating relationships utterly amazing, and I’d much rather not. I’m happy for the scintillating conversation, to have each other’s back, to care, but I’m not interested in the dramatics any more. Us insecurely attached people are hard work. - so would you say your goal is to stay single? You’re not intending to settle down and have a relationship with one person? And, yes, I never in my life was interested in sex with no strings. I waited until marriage to have sex with my husband. If this DA would’ve approached me in the beginning as a hook up situation then I wouldn’t have entertained him for a second. Instead he showed up with rises, dinners and long weekends at his place. I fell hard- now I’m attached and leaving him behind is hard. Even now |
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