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Post by mrob on May 8, 2019 10:46:38 GMT
epicgum, I wouldn’t say I’m drawn to them. It’s just a matter of putting it out there in context on this forum.
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2019 16:19:41 GMT
absolutely @sherry I agree wholeheartedly. to me, it's even simpler - do you like who you are? are you who you want to be? who DO you want to be? and then just be that person - delineate principles of how you want to be treated and apply that to how you treat others. and then go from there. for me there was leaps in the evolution, from identifying my ex as a DA and me as an AP, to questioning my own potential FAness, and then just got tired of it all and decided to fuck it, i'm going to be who i want to be and just execute that. of course, during that process, I picked up lots of tips and ideas and strategies from this site and others (read tiny buddha!) and simply had trust and faith that even if I didn't consciously process important insights, there are subconscious processes at work and that it will happen for me one way or another. mrob and @sherry, it is not that one (not just avoidants) cannot and do not, but perhaps it starts from willingness to change and more importantly, a willingness to explore every single avenue on how to change and what to do. the latter is really important - the willingness to let go of current behaviors/coping mechanisms and start from zero to build new ones. That is really challenging to most people. I read the entire website of tiny buddha, academic papers (I'm a scientist) and therapy blogs/resources, made my own notes (mindmaps and all) and had a game plan on what to do moving forward. my ex, on the other hand, kept on saying he wanted healthy relationships without ever picking up a book himself or acknowledging/reading/practicing any of the resources I sent along his way. i do have to also say that there are those who LOOK like they're trying to change but really not working on their fundamental patterns of thinking, feeling, and reacting - hate to be reductive, but i think alot of APs fall into this general category, particularly in the earlier stages of their progress. also mrob, of course there is a way out. we've seen examples here on the board, and I'm sure plenty out there we don't know about. at the end of the day - it's all personal growth and skill development, just that it's applied to interpersonal relationships. if you can develop character and integrity and some modicum of decency as a human being, i'm sure you can develop more positive and healthy relating skills. Full agreement! Know yourself, love yourself, be yourself, grow yourself. If you meet someone else doing the same, you're off to a great start. Being able to make changes and choices that support all of the above is a trial and error growth process but that's life. |
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Post by 8675309 on May 9, 2019 13:23:10 GMT
For what it’s worth, I’d been through two secures, driving them both mad. One into real anxiousness, the other was just glad to see the back of me after 7 years of marriage. The one that got me here reminds me of 8675309 . I hated what I did to that woman. She’s now in a secure relationship with a far more boring person than me, but she had to, for her own sanity. She has her natural equilibrium back. When I read the book “Bad Boyfriends”, I identified as FA immediately. No question. And reading the book? No way out. Everybody is told to avoid me like the plague because I cannot recover. I attempted suicide. If there’s no way out what’s the bloody point of this life? Really? So, I agree. There has to be a way out for those that are fair dinkum (umm... truly willing) to do the work. Surely. Im glad you're here. You can do this. I think many of you have far more strength than you think or give yourself credit for.
If shes like me I have no ill will towards him so yours doesn't either. Im grateful for the crap he put me through even though pain was caused. I grew so much. Ive grown more from what happened with him than any other man in my life. It is like swallowing a Red Pill. Ive even been able to help others.
I really hope one day he gets to a place of wanting to heal/reflect.
I still want to read Bad Boyfriends. Ive read Attached and its on loan to one of my friends right now. My friend is a Secure but she has a healthy chunk of anxiousness. Shes very aware of it.
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