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Post by blacksnow2 on May 4, 2019 5:38:44 GMT
Hey guys. Some might remember me from my username (used to be blacksnow, but I deactivated it) and some might not have any idea, but I wanted to give an update as an FA who has managed to heal quite nicely so far, although not completely.
I will describe my patterns and healing as such, and I hope it helps other FA's and people interested in the inner workings of FAs:
I was almost totally disconnected from my true self and tuned into the environment and the needs of everyone else but myself. This appears to be sort of anxious in style at first, but it's without the apparent neediness. I had no boundaries when it came to myself, at least initially. I related to others and interacted with them with one subconscious goal in mind: emotional validation. I rarely got it the way I wanted it -- that is, in a way that made up for all the love I felt I didn't receive from my parents at one point in time. I was caught up and triggered by others to the point where I would be swept up in my own feelings of resentment, irritation/frustration, anger, sadness, unworthiness, invisibility, irrelevance, etc. At some point I'd just start to blow up over things that had built up for quite a while. The aftermath could go in many directions: silent treatment, complete withdrawal, revving the friendliness back up, pretending nothing happened, etc.
I would repeat this pattern ad nauseam, although every time it would be better because I'd learn something each cycle that I would interrupt in the next one, thus rewiring myself. In the midst of all of this is this utter confusion about what my feelings mean and what I really want/need. There is truth mixed in with overreaction and triggers from past trauma and the mission is to distinguish between the two. The truth = my real self, wants, and needs. Everything else = me being tortured by reliving the past.
Now this behavior is directed towards everyone and everything that I do, in almost every setting. With a (potential) romantic partner, it is worse in the sense that they trigger more in me. "I hate them" and "I like them" in the same day. The splitting is intense, they can do everything wrong and everything right depending on the day and how I feel. You can imagine the absolute internal disaster that leaks out. There is little balance.
It is also in this stage that I saw how anxious and avoidant styles show up in FA together. Activation strategies are being overly friendly, helpful, useful, talkative, and expressive in a way that doesn't come from my true needs and personality, but rather from a place of "please love and accept me". It is an almost complete facade that I mistake for my real self. It is these activation strategies that actually cause my avoidance and lead me to deactivating. Deactivation strategies include lashing out at people for real and perceived slights, interpreting neutral behavior from others as personal insults, being overly critical of their faults/flaws to the point I outright reject them or turn my back on them (sad thing, I 100% feel like this is the truth in the moment that I do it, but it doesn't last very long), "I don't need anyone", "no one understands me", "no one is good enough for me". Walls upon walls upon walls that I destroy myself and keep rebuilding.
Basically, I experience extremes and my true self has almost no room to make an appearance.
So I call all of that the first stage of healing, where there is an internal tug-of-war between two opposing forces and my real self caught in the middle, trying to make sense of it but unable to decide which is the truth (neither of them are). Mass confusion.
I am now in the second stage of healing. This is the point of integration where I'm grounded just enough, like in the 50-60% range, to be able to differentiate between the truth and the lies. Where I am not as reactive. And if I react, it's not nearly as intense. MANY of my triggers have been diffused and are no longer triggers. Looking back, it's overwhelming just how many there were and a little ridiculous how small some of them could be and how massive my reaction to them was. There are highs and lows but they are noticeably less high and less low. There is more stability, but not as much as I would prefer. Relationships are much better across the board. My threshold of remaining contained rather than reaching out emotionally into my environment and the people around me is much higher, but doesn't last all day like I want it to and some things still set it off where I disconnect from myself and get all floaty + start putting on an act. I am able to catch myself in those moments though, more or less.
This stage feels like my soul has been raped many times and I've just escaped the soul rapist. It's the weirdest stage to be in if only because there is no defined strategy for interacting with other people in a way that 1) doesn't feel fake and 2) isn't so brutally real/honest or dismissive. It's more or less anything goes and I'm trying to relearn how to walk after not using my legs for almost two decades.
It is in this stage that I realize a potential romantic partner is never really all bad or all good. But that he is rather human, and that underneath all the reactivity, I do have real feelings for him. And that he's kind of awesome to be honest, he didn't even give up on me despite my craziness. For a long time I doubted everything. His feelings. My feelings. His intentions. My intentions. His words and actions. Mine. But it's now much clearer and much less suspect. Although not crystal clear and not wholly unsuspect. It's like being on the fence overlooking the side that you thought was really dangerous and realizing it's not quite the minefield that you thought it was and that maybe you'd like to take a walk on it.
The third stage, although I haven't reached it yet, I imagine is the best, and it is me being almost fully comfortable in my own skin, growing much more confident in my ability to succeed, being even more honestly expressive, knowing myself well and knowing what I want + attempting to get it without being so debilitatingly (?) afraid of failure.
I'm doing the work of a lifetime.
But yeah, it is VERY possible to go from FA to (re)earned secure. I say re-earned because the trauma that made me this way didn't happen that early in life and I remember my true self from before then. I don't know if that means I have an advantage here (coupled with the fact that I believe I'm pretty self-aware), but it's really been about a year of grueling work on myself and I think I've come very far for having the worst attachment style.
Thanks for reading. And ask away if you have any questions.
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Post by alexandra on May 5, 2019 17:41:50 GMT
I think this is great, blacksnow2 , and am glad you're still making progress. The only thing I'm going to add is something I believe I've said before -- reframe your FA away from being the "worst" style, which is a very negative view for any insecure working through this when self-acceptance is an important part of the re-wiring work, to instead referring to it as something like the most challenging to heal (since it's got more layers to heal). And then take so much pride in all you've been able to do for yourself! And for other people reading this thread trying to do their work, do search for blacksnow's other posts, under the original user name. They've got some really great insights into the early stages of the process as well. |
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Post by blacksnow2 on May 6, 2019 0:06:05 GMT
Thanks alexandra. I remember you saying that before, and I think I wanted to be realistic so I was all... w/e I know it's the worst! No point in denying it. But now that you mention it again, well, here's something I just wrote in my journal that relates to what you're saying: "I feel that who I am is terrible so I'm scared to let myself be known. But having this belief in itself is what perpetuates it and makes me even more 'terrible' and not want to be known. If people knew I felt like this about myself, then of course they wouldn't want to touch me with a ten-foot pole, thereby confirming my belief." It relates because if I judge myself negatively for feeling negatively about myself, it reinforces that feeling. So if I think "this is the worst, I have the worst style of all" while I'm working through all the layers, then it makes it more challenging. So come to think of it, maybe it's not a denial to REFRAME something. Maybe it's just being nice to yourself. Which I find it hard to do in moments of distress such as right now. |
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Post by annieb on Nov 27, 2019 14:11:26 GMT
Hey guys. Some might remember me from my username (used to be blacksnow, but I deactivated it) and some might not have any idea, but I wanted to give an update as an FA who has managed to heal quite nicely so far, although not completely. I will describe my patterns and healing as such, and I hope it helps other FA's and people interested in the inner workings of FAs: I was almost totally disconnected from my true self and tuned into the environment and the needs of everyone else but myself. This appears to be sort of anxious in style at first, but it's without the apparent neediness. I had no boundaries when it came to myself, at least initially. I related to others and interacted with them with one subconscious goal in mind: emotional validation. I rarely got it the way I wanted it -- that is, in a way that made up for all the love I felt I didn't receive from my parents at one point in time. I was caught up and triggered by others to the point where I would be swept up in my own feelings of resentment, irritation/frustration, anger, sadness, unworthiness, invisibility, irrelevance, etc. At some point I'd just start to blow up over things that had built up for quite a while. The aftermath could go in many directions: silent treatment, complete withdrawal, revving the friendliness back up, pretending nothing happened, etc. I would repeat this pattern ad nauseam, although every time it would be better because I'd learn something each cycle that I would interrupt in the next one, thus rewiring myself. In the midst of all of this is this utter confusion about what my feelings mean and what I really want/need. There is truth mixed in with overreaction and triggers from past trauma and the mission is to distinguish between the two. The truth = my real self, wants, and needs. Everything else = me being tortured by reliving the past. Now this behavior is directed towards everyone and everything that I do, in almost every setting. With a (potential) romantic partner, it is worse in the sense that they trigger more in me. "I hate them" and "I like them" in the same day. The splitting is intense, they can do everything wrong and everything right depending on the day and how I feel. You can imagine the absolute internal disaster that leaks out. There is little balance. It is also in this stage that I saw how anxious and avoidant styles show up in FA together. A ctivation strategies are being overly friendly, helpful, useful, talkative, and expressive in a way that doesn't come from my true needs and personality, but rather from a place of "please love and accept me". It is an almost complete facade that I mistake for my real self. It is these activation strategies that actually cause my avoidance and lead me to deactivating. Deactivation strategies include lashing out at people for real and perceived slights, interpreting neutral behavior from others as personal insults, being overly critical of their faults/flaws to the point I outright reject them or turn my back on them (sad thing, I 100% feel like this is the truth in the moment that I do it, but it doesn't last very long), "I don't need anyone", "no one understands me", "no one is good enough for me". Walls upon walls upon walls that I destroy myself and keep rebuilding. Basically, I experience extremes and my true self has almost no room to make an appearance. So I call all of that the first stage of healing, where there is an internal tug-of-war between two opposing forces and my real self caught in the middle, trying to make sense of it but unable to decide which is the truth (neither of them are). Mass confusion.
I am now in the second stage of healing. This is the point of integration where I'm grounded just enough, like in the 50-60% range, to be able to differentiate between the truth and the lies. Where I am not as reactive. And if I react, it's not nearly as intense. MANY of my triggers have been diffused and are no longer triggers. Looking back, it's overwhelming just how many there were and a little ridiculous how small some of them could be and how massive my reaction to them was. There are highs and lows but they are noticeably less high and less low. There is more stability, but not as much as I would prefer. Relationships are much better across the board. My threshold of remaining contained rather than reaching out emotionally into my environment and the people around me is much higher, but doesn't last all day like I want it to and some things still set it off where I disconnect from myself and get all floaty + start putting on an act. I am able to catch myself in those moments though, more or less. This stage feels like my soul has been raped many times and I've just escaped the soul rapist. It's the weirdest stage to be in if only because there is no defined strategy for interacting with other people in a way that 1) doesn't feel fake and 2) isn't so brutally real/honest or dismissive. It's more or less anything goes and I'm trying to relearn how to walk after not using my legs for almost two decades. It is in this stage that I realize a potential romantic partner is never really all bad or all good. But that he is rather human, and that underneath all the reactivity, I do have real feelings for him. And that he's kind of awesome to be honest, he didn't even give up on me despite my craziness. For a long time I doubted everything. His feelings. My feelings. His intentions. My intentions. His words and actions. Mine. But it's now much clearer and much less suspect. Although not crystal clear and not wholly unsuspect. It's like being on the fence overlooking the side that you thought was really dangerous and realizing it's not quite the minefield that you thought it was and that maybe you'd like to take a walk on it.
The third stage, although I haven't reached it yet, I imagine is the best, and it is me being almost fully comfortable in my own skin, growing much more confident in my ability to succeed, being even more honestly expressive, knowing myself well and knowing what I want + attempting to get it without being so debilitatingly (?) afraid of failure. I'm doing the work of a lifetime. But yeah, it is VERY possible to go from FA to (re)earned secure. I say re-earned because the trauma that made me this way didn't happen that early in life and I remember my true self from before then. I don't know if that means I have an advantage here (coupled with the fact that I believe I'm pretty self-aware), but it's really been about a year of grueling work on myself and I think I've come very far for having the worst attachment style. Thanks for reading. And ask away if you have any questions. For some reason some of this strikes me more as DA than FA, mainly when you say "no one is good enough for me" and that sort of thing. I think FAs tend to idealize others more, as in their false self esteem is actually low... |
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Post by blacksnow2 on Nov 27, 2019 16:17:18 GMT
annieb it's not clear cut though, is it? You can believe no one's good enough for you while simultaneously believing you're not good enough either. I think that's what defines being fearful avoidant.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 27, 2019 19:05:14 GMT
annieb it's not clear cut though, is it? You can believe no one's good enough for you while simultaneously believing you're not good enough either. I think that's what defines being fearful avoidant. I agree. It's not exactly that FA even believes no one's good enough, but it's an effective general avoidant distancing behavior -- in this case from the constant ambivalence and inconsistent / shifting internal landscape. So there's idealizing what isn't available (safe to want what you can't have) and/or doubting your partner is "the one" (possibly brought on by pre-conditioned feelings of engulfment when anyone gets close making things feel imperfect, and/or possibly brought on by lack of stability in self and identity meaning the FA can't connect to themselves and doesn't actually know what they want, and/or possibly by fantasy expectations to stay isolated and not have to attach to anyone, the list goes on!). There's also the associated subconscious feeling that, if you think you're garbage yourself, you don't respect the opinion of others who actually like you because they must be defective and bad judges of character. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 28, 2019 13:54:04 GMT
annieb it's not clear cut though, is it? You can believe no one's good enough for you while simultaneously believing you're not good enough either. I think that's what defines being fearful avoidant. I agree. It's not exactly that FA even believes no one's good enough, but it's an effective general avoidant distancing behavior -- in this case from the constant ambivalence and inconsistent / shifting internal landscape. So there's idealizing what isn't available (safe to want what you can't have) and/or doubting your partner is "the one" (possibly brought on by pre-conditioned feelings of engulfment when anyone gets close making things feel imperfect, and/or possibly brought on by lack of stability in self and identity meaning the FA can't connect to themselves and doesn't actually know what they want, and/or possibly by fantasy expectations to stay isolated and not have to attach to anyone, the list goes on!). There's also the associated subconscious feeling that, if you think you're garbage yourself, you don't respect the opinion of others who actually like you because they must be defective and bad judges of character. Wow...I think this may be spot on for B when he was dating me. There was this idealized “one” that he kept talking about and along with that were his persistent doubts. I am going to take this a bit off topic because this is something I am struggling with at this moment in time...as in this very moment....I used to be very sure about B having FA attachment because his behaviors were so very FA with me...but now that he has officially proclaimed being in a relationship....I question that whole assessment. I need to get this out so bear with me for a moment....it is as if I view him now as being secure and only being FA with me. That somehow I caused it...ie...I wasn’t good enough to win him over. I am having a thoroughly difficult time seeing him as still being FA....because I am utterly convinced that he has chosen her and she (new girlfriend) is “the one”. And things are now going to be awesome and she is getting and will get the consistency in love and respect that I so wanted. I actually have vivid images of the two of them so happy together and it just makes me sad (just a note for myself that my throat is really tight right now...like a feeling of being choked). Thanks for letting me get this moment out there. Sometimes it literally sucks to be unable to truly “see” B as anything but “a prince” that I lost. |
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Post by annieb on Nov 28, 2019 14:25:54 GMT
annieb it's not clear cut though, is it? You can believe no one's good enough for you while simultaneously believing you're not good enough either. I think that's what defines being fearful avoidant. Yeah, I am FA and I usually idealize the other person. They are too good for me usually. Maybe I am not FA then. But I've taken lots and lots of tests and it always came in as FA... Just pondering. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 28, 2019 14:47:19 GMT
annieb it's not clear cut though, is it? You can believe no one's good enough for you while simultaneously believing you're not good enough either. I think that's what defines being fearful avoidant. Yeah, I am FA and I usually idealize the other person. They are too good for me usually. Maybe I am not FA then. But I've taken lots and lots of tests and it always came in as FA... Just pondering. - Maybe you’re just more anxious than avoidant? It’s all a spectrum. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 28, 2019 14:49:48 GMT
I agree. It's not exactly that FA even believes no one's good enough, but it's an effective general avoidant distancing behavior -- in this case from the constant ambivalence and inconsistent / shifting internal landscape. So there's idealizing what isn't available (safe to want what you can't have) and/or doubting your partner is "the one" (possibly brought on by pre-conditioned feelings of engulfment when anyone gets close making things feel imperfect, and/or possibly brought on by lack of stability in self and identity meaning the FA can't connect to themselves and doesn't actually know what they want, and/or possibly by fantasy expectations to stay isolated and not have to attach to anyone, the list goes on!). There's also the associated subconscious feeling that, if you think you're garbage yourself, you don't respect the opinion of others who actually like you because they must be defective and bad judges of character. Wow...I think this may be spot on for B when he was dating me. There was this idealized “one” that he kept talking about and along with that were his persistent doubts. I am going to take this a bit off topic because this is something I am struggling with at this moment in time...as in this very moment....I used to be very sure about B having FA attachment because his behaviors were so very FA with me...but now that he has officially proclaimed being in a relationship....I question that whole assessment. I need to get this out so bear with me for a moment....it is as if I view him now as being secure and only being FA with me. That somehow I caused it...ie...I wasn’t good enough to win him over. I am having a thoroughly difficult time seeing him as still being FA....because I am utterly convinced that he has chosen her and she (new girlfriend) is “the one”. And things are now going to be awesome and she is getting and will get the consistency in love and respect that I so wanted. I actually have vivid images of the two of them so happy together and it just makes me sad (just a note for myself that my throat is really tight right now...like a feeling of being choked). Thanks for letting me get this moment out there. Sometimes it literally sucks to be unable to truly “see” B as anything but “a prince” that I lost. - Remember though it takes time to be triggered and different people and relationships may bring out old wounds at a different pace. You don’t know the dynamic of their relationship, but you know him and it sounds like he had many issues all on his own. They always catch up- unless he’s working hard. |
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Post by annieb on Nov 28, 2019 14:57:51 GMT
Yeah, I am FA and I usually idealize the other person. They are too good for me usually. Maybe I am not FA then. But I've taken lots and lots of tests and it always came in as FA... Just pondering. - Maybe you’re just more anxious than avoidant? It’s all a spectrum. Yes, I think that makes sense. Thank you for clarifying. This really helps. |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Nov 28, 2019 23:01:53 GMT
Hey guys. Some might remember me from my username (used to be blacksnow, but I deactivated it) and some might not have any idea, but I wanted to give an update as an FA who has managed to heal quite nicely so far, although not completely. I will describe my patterns and healing as such, and I hope it helps other FA's and people interested in the inner workings of FAs: I was almost totally disconnected from my true self and tuned into the environment and the needs of everyone else but myself. This appears to be sort of anxious in style at first, but it's without the apparent neediness. I had no boundaries when it came to myself, at least initially. I related to others and interacted with them with one subconscious goal in mind: emotional validation. I rarely got it the way I wanted it -- that is, in a way that made up for all the love I felt I didn't receive from my parents at one point in time. I was caught up and triggered by others to the point where I would be swept up in my own feelings of resentment, irritation/frustration, anger, sadness, unworthiness, invisibility, irrelevance, etc. At some point I'd just start to blow up over things that had built up for quite a while. The aftermath could go in many directions: silent treatment, complete withdrawal, revving the friendliness back up, pretending nothing happened, etc. I would repeat this pattern ad nauseam, although every time it would be better because I'd learn something each cycle that I would interrupt in the next one, thus rewiring myself. In the midst of all of this is this utter confusion about what my feelings mean and what I really want/need. There is truth mixed in with overreaction and triggers from past trauma and the mission is to distinguish between the two. The truth = my real self, wants, and needs. Everything else = me being tortured by reliving the past. Now this behavior is directed towards everyone and everything that I do, in almost every setting. With a (potential) romantic partner, it is worse in the sense that they trigger more in me. "I hate them" and "I like them" in the same day. The splitting is intense, they can do everything wrong and everything right depending on the day and how I feel. You can imagine the absolute internal disaster that leaks out. There is little balance. It is also in this stage that I saw how anxious and avoidant styles show up in FA together. A ctivation strategies are being overly friendly, helpful, useful, talkative, and expressive in a way that doesn't come from my true needs and personality, but rather from a place of "please love and accept me". It is an almost complete facade that I mistake for my real self. It is these activation strategies that actually cause my avoidance and lead me to deactivating. Deactivation strategies include lashing out at people for real and perceived slights, interpreting neutral behavior from others as personal insults, being overly critical of their faults/flaws to the point I outright reject them or turn my back on them (sad thing, I 100% feel like this is the truth in the moment that I do it, but it doesn't last very long), "I don't need anyone", "no one understands me", "no one is good enough for me". Walls upon walls upon walls that I destroy myself and keep rebuilding. Basically, I experience extremes and my true self has almost no room to make an appearance. So I call all of that the first stage of healing, where there is an internal tug-of-war between two opposing forces and my real self caught in the middle, trying to make sense of it but unable to decide which is the truth (neither of them are). Mass confusion.
I am now in the second stage of healing. This is the point of integration where I'm grounded just enough, like in the 50-60% range, to be able to differentiate between the truth and the lies. Where I am not as reactive. And if I react, it's not nearly as intense. MANY of my triggers have been diffused and are no longer triggers. Looking back, it's overwhelming just how many there were and a little ridiculous how small some of them could be and how massive my reaction to them was. There are highs and lows but they are noticeably less high and less low. There is more stability, but not as much as I would prefer. Relationships are much better across the board. My threshold of remaining contained rather than reaching out emotionally into my environment and the people around me is much higher, but doesn't last all day like I want it to and some things still set it off where I disconnect from myself and get all floaty + start putting on an act. I am able to catch myself in those moments though, more or less. This stage feels like my soul has been raped many times and I've just escaped the soul rapist. It's the weirdest stage to be in if only because there is no defined strategy for interacting with other people in a way that 1) doesn't feel fake and 2) isn't so brutally real/honest or dismissive. It's more or less anything goes and I'm trying to relearn how to walk after not using my legs for almost two decades. It is in this stage that I realize a potential romantic partner is never really all bad or all good. But that he is rather human, and that underneath all the reactivity, I do have real feelings for him. And that he's kind of awesome to be honest, he didn't even give up on me despite my craziness. For a long time I doubted everything. His feelings. My feelings. His intentions. My intentions. His words and actions. Mine. But it's now much clearer and much less suspect. Although not crystal clear and not wholly unsuspect. It's like being on the fence overlooking the side that you thought was really dangerous and realizing it's not quite the minefield that you thought it was and that maybe you'd like to take a walk on it.
The third stage, although I haven't reached it yet, I imagine is the best, and it is me being almost fully comfortable in my own skin, growing much more confident in my ability to succeed, being even more honestly expressive, knowing myself well and knowing what I want + attempting to get it without being so debilitatingly (?) afraid of failure. I'm doing the work of a lifetime. But yeah, it is VERY possible to go from FA to (re)earned secure. I say re-earned because the trauma that made me this way didn't happen that early in life and I remember my true self from before then. I don't know if that means I have an advantage here (coupled with the fact that I believe I'm pretty self-aware), but it's really been about a year of grueling work on myself and I think I've come very far for having the worst attachment style. Thanks for reading. And ask away if you have any questions. Thanks for sharing this, appreciate it |
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Post by mrob on Nov 29, 2019 4:22:41 GMT
annieb it's not clear cut though, is it? You can believe no one's good enough for you while simultaneously believing you're not good enough either. I think that's what defines being fearful avoidant. Yeah, I am FA and I usually idealize the other person. They are too good for me usually. Maybe I am not FA then. But I've taken lots and lots of tests and it always came in as FA... Just pondering. I’ve been triggered both ways in this journey. As an FA, you get the best bits of AP and DA. Strap in for the ride of awareness. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 30, 2019 1:00:56 GMT
Wow...I think this may be spot on for B when he was dating me. There was this idealized “one” that he kept talking about and along with that were his persistent doubts. I am going to take this a bit off topic because this is something I am struggling with at this moment in time...as in this very moment....I used to be very sure about B having FA attachment because his behaviors were so very FA with me...but now that he has officially proclaimed being in a relationship....I question that whole assessment. I need to get this out so bear with me for a moment....it is as if I view him now as being secure and only being FA with me. That somehow I caused it...ie...I wasn’t good enough to win him over. I am having a thoroughly difficult time seeing him as still being FA....because I am utterly convinced that he has chosen her and she (new girlfriend) is “the one”. And things are now going to be awesome and she is getting and will get the consistency in love and respect that I so wanted. I actually have vivid images of the two of them so happy together and it just makes me sad (just a note for myself that my throat is really tight right now...like a feeling of being choked). Thanks for letting me get this moment out there. Sometimes it literally sucks to be unable to truly “see” B as anything but “a prince” that I lost. - Remember though it takes time to be triggered and different people and relationships may bring out old wounds at a different pace. You don’t know the dynamic of their relationship, but you know him and it sounds like he had many issues all on his own. They always catch up- unless he’s working hard. Hey faithopelove....”had” is the word I tend to fixate on...as in past tense...not current. I realize I don’t know their dynamic....however so many things are different enough that it makes me think that thinks must be so much better with her. I miss him..and yes...him, not just some idea of him, but actually him. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 30, 2019 15:03:28 GMT
Hey faithopelove ....”had” is the word I tend to fixate on...as in past tense...not current. I realize I don’t know their dynamic....however so many things are different enough that it makes me think that thinks must be so much better with her. I miss him..and yes...him, not just some idea of him, but actually him. I think most of us could attest to the fact that attachment and emotional “issues” take a long time to work through. It doesn’t happen overnight or in a month. The beginning of relationships always seem so great, different, and loving - but only time will tell, and even if they stay together you’ll never know. I totally know it’s easier for me to say this than for you to believe it, because I’d be the same way - but hopefully hearing it helps some. It seems like you’re doing a lot of powerful work that will help to eliminate (or ease up) that comparison trap / I’m not good enough or someone else is better - keep that up. I’ve been stuck in comparing myself for two days now, to girls I have no idea if he actually dated - I’ve just been spinning in old patterns. While I’m not saying “I’m not good enough” anymore and I think I actually am, I don’t know why I’m comparing so hard still - it makes me just think I’ve only done 1/2 or some of the work. But anyways, point being, you’re doing a great job working through it it seems... and keep in mind that he’s not going to change overnight. Not for her, not for anyone else either. Thanks Caroline...this is my step back as it were....any time I have family time....I get a bit more fixated on him. My therapist is great,..she has no judgement at all...says what I am going through is completely normal for me. She doesn’t even want me to let go of him for now because I am working through some very painful family dynamics with her. You are right...I have no clue what is going on...he hasn’t posted anything on Facebook since he posted being in a relationship with a picture of the two of them. It is a blank canvas that I am filling with things I had hoped from him that I assume she is getting because his status has not changed. In fact...I am utterly convinced that by making that change in his status, she is his “the one” and that he will propose to her (that he is “courting” her) ....because things moved so utterly fast between them. It was like they made public declarations to each other on social media and then did not need social media anymore. Thanks for your comment about my therapy work...it has been really good....extremely helpful and I plan to continue it. |
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