laney
New Member
Posts: 35 
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Post by laney on May 23, 2019 12:51:09 GMT
I read that one of the difficulties of the FA is that they don't really have a strategy.
I am a FA and I don't really understand how I can get closer to being a secure, especially concerning romantic relationships. Sometimes I try to approach more (so I guess come closer to the AP on the spectrum) but if there is only the slightest delayed or negative reaction, it freaks me out so much it almost kills me. I cannot sleep, I cry. I don't know how APs can endure these feelings. If I try to not care and self-soothe (so come closer to the DA on the spectrum I guess) it actually works and I can actually mostly kill my feelings but it is a lonely life for me. I actually don't want to be alone and I actually crave love. I will suffer nonetheless but just without relationships. This doesn't work for me either. I am in a semi-relationship with a DA or maybe FA, so if I act cold like that he just withdraws as well and we both are lonely and sad in our ivory towers. I guess my question is if the path from FA to secure should rather cross AP territory or DA territory?
I used to be fearful avoidant in friendships as well but I was fortunate enough to meet a secure person who was always there and loving, never threatening and always reacted positively to myself opening up. I learned to trust her (mostly) and now have a very best friend.
With other friends, I just broadened my range of friends and was present and nice but learned to not care that much. It feels safer for me if they contact me more than I contact them so I guess I am more in the avoidant spectrum but I care for each of them. If one of them abandons me I'll be sad but I still have other friends. Obviously that's not a strategy for relationships because I have to focus on just one person.
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hannah
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by hannah on May 24, 2019 21:08:37 GMT
Hi, I don't know if it answers your question but last year I started a thread about what I was trying on my path to secure. Others FA shared what they were trying too. I'm not already there but much better and happier. I will try to update soon... You can read it here if you want : jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1435/thougths-on-healing-fa-trying |
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Post by leavethelighton on May 25, 2019 0:41:14 GMT
Well...do you even have a choice whether your path crosses AP territory or DA territory? I would imagine it's more like as you gain self awareness you may sometimes feel like you're crossing one, sometimes the other, but I'm not sure you can choose your path.
My main thoughts are--
1. it's probably going to be hard to negotiate this without therapy (but I'm not one to talk as I haven't done therapy in a decade).
2. Also, it may be more useful to think about focusing on a certain aspect of behavior, like learning to recognize when you are engaging in a certain problematic behavior (ex: projection or protest behaviors) or working towards a certain positive behavior (like asking for what you want in a healthy way). AP and DA territories or whatever will come and go, but you can still work towards self improvement.
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Post by blacksnow2 on May 27, 2019 3:59:25 GMT
If I try to not care and self-soothe (so come closer to the DA on the spectrum I guess) it actually works and I can actually mostly kill my feelings but it is a lonely life for me. I actually don't want to be alone and I actually crave love. I will suffer nonetheless but just without relationships. This doesn't work for me either. I am in a semi-relationship with a DA or maybe FA, so if I act cold like that he just withdraws as well and we both are lonely and sad in our ivory towers. I guess my question is if the path from FA to secure should rather cross AP territory or DA territory? Lol are you me? Right down to the semi-relationship. But at this point, it's no longer that predictable, there are signs of security from both sides. It honestly feels very weird, like there is a chasm between us. The chasm = us seeing each other as separate individuals and not taking each other's actions as a personal insult. It is normal and the way that it should be, but something I'm not used to so I still get triggered sometimes. In my experience, the path from FA to secure is through neither of those territories because both strategies are unhealthy. The way out is through reducing both of those strategies until there is enough room for healthy reactions to surface and you get a feel for what is a natural flow of the relationship (you know it because it feels smooth for the most part). The actual process on how to go about doing that exactly, I think that's a personal journey. I don't like therapy, it has never helped me. And it just looks different for everyone, depending on your personality too. You have to find what works for you. |
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Post by epicgum on May 29, 2019 2:49:33 GMT
If I try to not care and self-soothe (so come closer to the DA on the spectrum I guess) it actually works and I can actually mostly kill my feelings but it is a lonely life for me. I actually don't want to be alone and I actually crave love. I will suffer nonetheless but just without relationships. This doesn't work for me either. I am in a semi-relationship with a DA or maybe FA, so if I act cold like that he just withdraws as well and we both are lonely and sad in our ivory towers. I guess my question is if the path from FA to secure should rather cross AP territory or DA territory? Lol are you me? Right down to the semi-relationship. But at this point, it's no longer that predictable, there are signs of security from both sides. It honestly feels very weird, like there is a chasm between us. The chasm = us seeing each other as separate individuals and not taking each other's actions as a personal insult. It is normal and the way that it should be, but something I'm not used to so I still get triggered sometimes. In my experience, the path from FA to secure is through neither of those territories because both strategies are unhealthy. The way out is through reducing both of those strategies until there is enough room for healthy reactions to surface and you get a feel for what is a natural flow of the relationship (you know it because it feels smooth for the most part). The actual process on how to go about doing that exactly, I think that's a personal journey. I don't like therapy, it has never helped me. And it just looks different for everyone, depending on your personality too. You have to find what works for you. I think it may be helpful simply to think of your degree of separation anxiety and your degree of avoidance as separate items that you can reduce, rather than "moving through" AP or DA. In fact, since the avoidance and anxiety stem from similar sources, finding security in one will help with security in the other. |
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Post by happyidiot on Jun 10, 2019 7:33:31 GMT
I read that one of the difficulties of the FA is that they don't really have a strategy. I am a FA and I don't really understand how I can get closer to being a secure, especially concerning romantic relationships. Sometimes I try to approach more (so I guess come closer to the AP on the spectrum) but if there is only the slightest delayed or negative reaction, it freaks me out so much it almost kills me. I cannot sleep, I cry. I don't know how APs can endure these feelings. If I try to not care and self-soothe (so come closer to the DA on the spectrum I guess) it actually works and I can actually mostly kill my feelings but it is a lonely life for me. I actually don't want to be alone and I actually crave love. I will suffer nonetheless but just without relationships. This doesn't work for me either. I am in a semi-relationship with a DA or maybe FA, so if I act cold like that he just withdraws as well and we both are lonely and sad in our ivory towers. I guess my question is if the path from FA to secure should rather cross AP territory or DA territory? I used to be fearful avoidant in friendships as well but I was fortunate enough to meet a secure person who was always there and loving, never threatening and always reacted positively to myself opening up. I learned to trust her (mostly) and now have a very best friend. With other friends, I just broadened my range of friends and was present and nice but learned to not care that much. It feels safer for me if they contact me more than I contact them so I guess I am more in the avoidant spectrum but I care for each of them. If one of them abandons me I'll be sad but I still have other friends. Obviously that's not a strategy for relationships because I have to focus on just one person. I know some people who would disagree that that–having multiple partners so if one abandons you it doesn't hurt as much–isn't a strategy for romantic relationships. Not me though, I want monogamy. It can feel like trying to walk on a slippery pier in a storm with waves crashing from both sides. On my left comes a wave of avoidance where I want to physically run away and leap off the pier but I have to stay stable, and a moment later a huge wave pummels me from the right and I'm crying because I didn't get a text back and I have to stay solid in the centre rather than leaning too far to the left and going full avoidant. And while this is all happening, I have to continue walking ahead. |
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Post by nightlight on Jul 12, 2019 20:54:35 GMT
Hi Laney, I've been doing research on dealing with having fearful-avoidant attachment style. I can tell you what I'm doing now, in the hopes that it will give you some ideas.
I did not look at things in the sense of having to "cross over" into the territory of another unhealthy attachment style (anxious or dismissive). Unhealthy is unhealthy, period, no matter what the label. Your goal, like mine, is to become secure, and to become secure, it doesn't make sense to think that you have to switch to another unhealthy pattern.
FAs like us often have low self-esteem. To combat this in myself, I made my focus for this summer to do things that I love. I indulge in hobbies and spend as much of my time doing pleasant things as I can. Exercise helps, especially if it's at a public location where you can interact with other people. My mood has improved greatly from this. Also, for times when I feel especially lonely, or bitter, I try mindfulness: I practice accepting my feelings, not suppressing or avoiding them, and then I self-soothe. I assure myself that I have, well, myself! I am always there for me. In the future, I am hoping that my triggers will no longer be triggers because of this mindfulness.
At the same time, it's important to minimize or even avoid activities that make you unhappy, because this cultivates a bad self-image. It sounds like the relationship you're in now falls into this category. It may be a good idea to take a break from it, or perhaps to end it entirely, since, as you say, the other person has an insecure attachment style themselves. I used to date dismissive-avoidants myself. (Whenever I hear articles on attachment theory proclaim that dating a secure person will help us heal, I get extremely irritated - like attracts like! Insecure people attract other insecure people! Secure types often do not have the patience required to help an insecure person develop their healthier attachment style. This is not a viable solution at all. People must heal themselves, not rely on someone else to do it for them.)
You are very fortunate to have one good friend! Keep this person around, and of course it's good to make new ones as well.
As for dating, that's not on my priority list. I have to heal myself right now; I have to heal the rift between my head and my heart. This is the crux of the swing between avoidance and anxiety with emotions. By bringing your head and your heart together, the swinging will finally go still. It might help you to look at your life in a similar way. Surround yourself with activities and people who make you feel good about yourself, acknowledge your feelings instead of killing them off, continue to self-soothe, but mostly, enjoy your life as much as possible. Dating tends to mess up this healing process. Bringing in another person leads to confusion about your priorities. Right now, your priority should be your mental and emotional well-being and healing.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2019 11:19:10 GMT
I've been grappling with this too.. with my current partner, as much as we are building a consistent, loving, secure, kind relationship, it's very much in the early days still. at times, I want to run away screaming, and at times, I want to push for more commitment and absolute clarity and certainty of his feelings for me. There're a few ways I'm dealing with it, but I'm happy if others suggest more! It's also something I'm struggling with - it's exactly like what happyidiot described. the way I'm dealing with this is really to be present and mindful, and when i have these intense feelings driven by fear, i recognize and acknowledge it, and let it play itself out (in my mind only), and then self-soothe after. and through these feelings, I have to just stay steady in terms of behavior and commitment, by distinguishing clearly between internal fears and external reality. I guess I learnt how to identify when my anxiety is coming from fear, than from real threats. sometimes i tell him a little bit of how im feeling, just to be vulnerable and build intimacy through self disclosure. I am very mindful not to expect him to respond in a certain way to soothe me but simply observe how his responses are, which is usually a nod. He might not have responded in a way that is what I would like (e.g., with verbal proclamations of undying love and 100000 roses), but it indicates that he heard and accepted what I said without reacting with disdain and judgment, and suggests that he is "safe" enough. One thing I did though, is to cut people off once I notice that they are unaware insecures who trigger me and me them. It's difficult enough to keep myself steady and secure, without adding more stress tests to it. I tried building a relationship with a DA who is maybe aware but have not done any work to heal, and we could not speak honestly and authentically during a conflict, and so I cut it off, sad as it may. I'm friendly since I see him time to time, but I do not harbour any hope nor interest in being friends. It's like what nightlight said - don't engage in anything that makes you feel bad, but focus on what makes you feel good. Don't avoid the bad, but approach the good. It cultivates a sense of control and empowerment, as well as a more pleasant life to have in general. |
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laney
New Member
Posts: 35
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Post by laney on Jul 15, 2019 12:05:05 GMT
Hi Laney, I've been doing research on dealing with having fearful-avoidant attachment style. I can tell you what I'm doing now, in the hopes that it will give you some ideas.
I did not look at things in the sense of having to "cross over" into the territory of another unhealthy attachment style (anxious or dismissive). Unhealthy is unhealthy, period, no matter what the label. Your goal, like mine, is to become secure, and to become secure, it doesn't make sense to think that you have to switch to another unhealthy pattern.
FAs like us often have low self-esteem. To combat this in myself, I made my focus for this summer to do things that I love. I indulge in hobbies and spend as much of my time doing pleasant things as I can. Exercise helps, especially if it's at a public location where you can interact with other people. My mood has improved greatly from this. Also, for times when I feel especially lonely, or bitter, I try mindfulness: I practice accepting my feelings, not suppressing or avoiding them, and then I self-soothe. I assure myself that I have, well, myself! I am always there for me. In the future, I am hoping that my triggers will no longer be triggers because of this mindfulness.
At the same time, it's important to minimize or even avoid activities that make you unhappy, because this cultivates a bad self-image. It sounds like the relationship you're in now falls into this category. It may be a good idea to take a break from it, or perhaps to end it entirely, since, as you say, the other person has an insecure attachment style themselves. I used to date dismissive-avoidants myself. (Whenever I hear articles on attachment theory proclaim that dating a secure person will help us heal, I get extremely irritated - like attracts like! Insecure people attract other insecure people! Secure types often do not have the patience required to help an insecure person develop their healthier attachment style. This is not a viable solution at all. People must heal themselves, not rely on someone else to do it for them.)
You are very fortunate to have one good friend! Keep this person around, and of course it's good to make new ones as well.
As for dating, that's not on my priority list. I have to heal myself right now; I have to heal the rift between my head and my heart. This is the crux of the swing between avoidance and anxiety with emotions. By bringing your head and your heart together, the swinging will finally go still. It might help you to look at your life in a similar way. Surround yourself with activities and people who make you feel good about yourself, acknowledge your feelings instead of killing them off, continue to self-soothe, but mostly, enjoy your life as much as possible. Dating tends to mess up this healing process. Bringing in another person leads to confusion about your priorities. Right now, your priority should be your mental and emotional well-being and healing.
Thank you for the input! The thing about the current relationship (if you can even call it that) is that it was the only time in my life that I could even tolerate being close to a man, in fact, I was actually craving his presence and there was no place on earth that I rather wanted to be than by his side. I deeply love him but I don't know if part of this is fantasy creation or the formation of a 'phantom ex' since I can never have him. I can very well focus on myself now and find happiness in solace and with some friends. Dating is not something that I know how to do. You are right that it would probably smart to focus on something else. The problem is that I am getting older and since I want a family and children I will have to figure out my issues as soon as possible. |
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