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Post by dhali on Mar 9, 2020 19:07:11 GMT
She doesn’t like “couple talk”?? That’s sort of the gig.
I feel, especially with insecure attachments, there needs to be weekly check-ins. Like a business meeting. Where you talk about things you want to see more of, and discuss some things that you’d like to see less of. Do this weekly. That’s not needy. That’s relationship management. Who is to arrogant to say this wouldn’t be useful for every relationship? You have to be honest in these “meetings”
Weekly keeps things from exploding.
Also set up a weekly date. Out. Every week. It’s a habit. It’s coupe time. Exclusively.
Another idea- everyday after work, checkin and state how you’re feeling on a number from 0-100. I order to conquer the world together, both would need to be at 80+. If one is 70 and the other is 10, the 70 needs to pick up couple slack. The 70 needs to empathize with the 10. If both are 20, both empathize with each other and reduce their needs for each other that night. If one is always below 50, they aren’t equipped to be in a relationship. They are telling you this. Explicitly. Start practices that improve communication daily.
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Post by amber on Mar 9, 2020 19:29:38 GMT
She doesn’t like “couple talk”?? That’s sort of the gig. I feel, especially with insecure attachments, there needs to be weekly check-ins. Like a business meeting. Where you talk about things you want to see more of, and discuss some things that you’d like to see less of. Do this weekly. That’s not needy. That’s relationship management. Who is to arrogant to say this wouldn’t be useful for every relationship? You have to be honest in these “meetings” Weekly keeps things from exploding. Also set up a weekly date. Out. Every week. It’s a habit. It’s coupe time. Exclusively. Another idea- everyday after work, checkin and state how you’re feeling on a number from 0-100. I order to conquer the world together, both would need to be at 80+. If one is 70 and the other is 10, the 70 needs to pick up couple slack. The 70 needs to empathize with the 10. If both are 20, both empathize with each other and reduce their needs for each other that night. If one is always below 50, they aren’t equipped to be in a relationship. They are telling you this. Explicitly. Start practices that improve communication daily. I absolutely love this series ideas! I hope I can meet someone one day who would agree and be into this.problem I see with FA, or at least my experiences with my ex, is that communication =vulnerability=being known=feeling unsafe. So any expressiOn of honesty, needs, etc is a trigger to flee/withdraw/distance. How to work with this?!
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Post by dhali on Mar 9, 2020 19:42:38 GMT
Then they are telling you they don’t want to put work into the relationship. How is that ever going to work? You can complain about it, but that doesn’t change the lack of effort being put in. Don’t stand for that. Why would you be ok standing for that? Because you love the person? They don’t love you if this is too much. Accepting that is coming from a place of fear, not love. This is 30 minutes, max 1 hr a week... outside of the date night (which is not negotiable.. you’re a couple afterall). Start being assertive and expressing your needs. It sounds like your SO’s needs are to be lazy in the relationship. Let them know that these things are healthy relationship habits, and that’s all you’re interested in having. Otherwise, you have no one to blame except yourself. You’re accepting being taken hostage because you don’t want to lose a good thing. That’s not a good thing.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 9, 2020 19:44:04 GMT
She doesn’t like “couple talk”?? That’s sort of the gig. I feel, especially with insecure attachments, there needs to be weekly check-ins. Like a business meeting. Where you talk about things you want to see more of, and discuss some things that you’d like to see less of. Do this weekly. That’s not needy. That’s relationship management. Who is to arrogant to say this wouldn’t be useful for every relationship? You have to be honest in these “meetings” Weekly keeps things from exploding. Also set up a weekly date. Out. Every week. It’s a habit. It’s coupe time. Exclusively. Another idea- everyday after work, checkin and state how you’re feeling on a number from 0-100. I order to conquer the world together, both would need to be at 80+. If one is 70 and the other is 10, the 70 needs to pick up couple slack. The 70 needs to empathize with the 10. If both are 20, both empathize with each other and reduce their needs for each other that night. If one is always below 50, they aren’t equipped to be in a relationship. They are telling you this. Explicitly. Start practices that improve communication daily. I absolutely love this series ideas! I hope I can meet someone one day who would agree and be into this.problem I see with FA, or at least my experiences with my ex, is that communication =vulnerability=being known=feeling unsafe. So any expressiOn of honesty, needs, etc is a trigger to flee/withdraw/distance. How to work with this?! Yep...B hated to talk about relationship stuff because he did not deal well with conflict. He preferred just watching shows/movies together.
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Post by dhali on Mar 9, 2020 19:45:30 GMT
Trn- and you accepted that.
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Post by serenity on Mar 9, 2020 20:32:20 GMT
She doesn’t like “couple talk”?? That’s sort of the gig. I feel, especially with insecure attachments, there needs to be weekly check-ins. Like a business meeting. Where you talk about things you want to see more of, and discuss some things that you’d like to see less of. Do this weekly. That’s not needy. That’s relationship management. Who is to arrogant to say this wouldn’t be useful for every relationship? You have to be honest in these “meetings” Weekly keeps things from exploding. Also set up a weekly date. Out. Every week. It’s a habit. It’s coupe time. Exclusively. Another idea- everyday after work, checkin and state how you’re feeling on a number from 0-100. I order to conquer the world together, both would need to be at 80+. If one is 70 and the other is 10, the 70 needs to pick up couple slack. The 70 needs to empathize with the 10. If both are 20, both empathize with each other and reduce their needs for each other that night. If one is always below 50, they aren’t equipped to be in a relationship. They are telling you this. Explicitly. Start practices that improve communication daily. I absolutely love this series ideas! I hope I can meet someone one day who would agree and be into this.problem I see with FA, or at least my experiences with my ex, is that communication =vulnerability=being known=feeling unsafe. So any expressiOn of honesty, needs, etc is a trigger to flee/withdraw/distance. How to work with this?! For sure. My experience with Avoidant men has been it takes them a longgg time to get into a relationship. Even if they start with a solid-seeming passionate honeymoon, there is very little trust on their end. And because their mistrust leads to a lot of flip flopping and sometimes cruelty (replacing you, fault finding, general neglect), it makes any partner feel mistrustful as well. I can only think that it would take some years of mutual trust building before you could even start to have a healthy romantic relationship with someone like this.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 9, 2020 20:41:47 GMT
Trn- and you accepted that. Yep....I did. I often felt my needs were something I needed to handle...so I would just struggle along doing the best I could to keep my own triggering in check. I often saw my triggering to be my issue....that a secure person would not require any validation because a secure person was...secure...and I saw my need for validation to be demanding, needy and unhelpful. The few times I tried to discuss things with him...he would get defensive...like it was an obligation...and I never wanted him to feel that way. I wanted my place to be a safe haven where he could just “be” without judgement or criticism. So I didn’t call him out on anything....failure to text back promptly, even if it took days to hear back (he is probably busy), drinking a 6 pack of beer and watching tv until 2 AM (he just needs to unwind)....etc. etc. He wanted things to be nice and easy....and lord knows...I really tried.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2020 23:02:23 GMT
She doesn’t like “couple talk”?? That’s sort of the gig. I feel, especially with insecure attachments, there needs to be weekly check-ins. Like a business meeting. Where you talk about things you want to see more of, and discuss some things that you’d like to see less of. Do this weekly. That’s not needy. That’s relationship management. Who is to arrogant to say this wouldn’t be useful for every relationship? You have to be honest in these “meetings” Weekly keeps things from exploding. Also set up a weekly date. Out. Every week. It’s a habit. It’s coupe time. Exclusively. Another idea- everyday after work, checkin and state how you’re feeling on a number from 0-100. I order to conquer the world together, both would need to be at 80+. If one is 70 and the other is 10, the 70 needs to pick up couple slack. The 70 needs to empathize with the 10. If both are 20, both empathize with each other and reduce their needs for each other that night. If one is always below 50, they aren’t equipped to be in a relationship. They are telling you this. Explicitly. Start practices that improve communication daily. my current partner and i do this! every week, weekends are our time together, specifically saturdays - whole day. we might not be doing anything at all except binge netflix but we do it together. if he plays games i sit by his side and watch (and commentate). if i watch my show that he doesnt care for, he sits with me and watches (and bitches) about it. we have couple talk or affirming talks every week - it's organic, and natural. we started out very early to analyze our relationship and dynamics and motivations, and spoke candidly about it, and that became a habit. we check in frequently if we're still happy with each other, and if we still want to be together, especially after intimacy like kissing or cuddling. in the past, as an AP, i would love these talks because it fed me energy that we "connecting", but my ex hated it after the honeymoon period ended. these days, it's a business meeting check-in - we take stock, adjust, communicate, and affirm each other and the relationship. dhali funny you said business meeting - our discussions were always business like, not too much emotion involved, if involved, it's spoken not enacted e.g., "let me explain to you why i'm upset about this. A, B, C and D (pout for theatrics)" not "wHaT thE FuCk aRe You DoIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGGGGG". lol. but it does take alot of effort and patience with myself to sort through the feelings and thoughts and explanations, and then present it thoroughly and logically. it might not be logical to HIM but there is a logic to my madness and that can be explained. i've noticed though, those who are emotionally unavailable will simply take it as someone being too sensitive/difficult (even if they were just being normal humans) and not see and empathise with the emotional reason why that person is upset. The thing is, it is never fully logical why people are upset and conflict resolution is rarely cut and dry in terms of protocol; it involves mainly holding emotional space for the other, acknowledging their emotions and proposing solutions to prevent hurt again by understanding why emotions were hurt in the first place. so, dhali is right, if that person is not willing to truly talk i.e., be emotionally open to and invested in the communication, keeping it at a cognitive level, it's a clue they can't/won't do relationship work. This is, however, a learnt skill (or a self developed skill because you've been so traumatized by attachment issues, you saw the light!); if they're open to couples therapy, it's worth going for to learn such skills.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2020 23:06:11 GMT
Trn- and you accepted that. Yep....I did. I often felt my needs were something I needed to handle...so I would just struggle along doing the best I could to keep my own triggering in check. I often saw my triggering to be my issue....that a secure person would not require any validation because a secure person was...secure...and I saw my need for validation to be demanding, needy and unhelpful. The few times I tried to discuss things with him...he would get defensive...like it was an obligation...and I never wanted him to feel that way. I wanted my place to be a safe haven where he could just “be” without judgement or criticism. So I didn’t call him out on anything....failure to text back promptly, even if it took days to hear back (he is probably busy), drinking a 6 pack of beer and watching tv until 2 AM (he just needs to unwind)....etc. etc. He wanted things to be nice and easy....and lord knows...I really tried. yes. insecurity and triggers are ours to own, but there're certainly partners who do no help there and make it worse. that's all. my current philosophy is.. i might not deserve or be entitled to good things in life, but i sure don't deserve bad things to happen to me. i might be insecure and that's my issue, but i don't need a partner who makes it worse and not acknowledge it when held accountable for. Quote i thought was perfect: "Accountability feels like an attack when one is not ready to take responsibility for the harm caused."
this holds true for evaluating partners, as well as holding yourself accountable to yourself!
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 10, 2020 2:48:15 GMT
Yep....I did. I often felt my needs were something I needed to handle...so I would just struggle along doing the best I could to keep my own triggering in check. I often saw my triggering to be my issue....that a secure person would not require any validation because a secure person was...secure...and I saw my need for validation to be demanding, needy and unhelpful. The few times I tried to discuss things with him...he would get defensive...like it was an obligation...and I never wanted him to feel that way. I wanted my place to be a safe haven where he could just “be” without judgement or criticism. So I didn’t call him out on anything....failure to text back promptly, even if it took days to hear back (he is probably busy), drinking a 6 pack of beer and watching tv until 2 AM (he just needs to unwind)....etc. etc. He wanted things to be nice and easy....and lord knows...I really tried. yes. insecurity and triggers are ours to own, but there're certainly partners who do no help there and make it worse. that's all. my current philosophy is.. i might not deserve or be entitled to good things in life, but i sure don't deserve bad things to happen to me. i might be insecure and that's my issue, but i don't need a partner who makes it worse and not acknowledge it when held accountable for. Quote i thought was perfect: "Accountability feels like an attack when one is not ready to take responsibility for the harm caused."
this holds true for evaluating partners, as well as holding yourself accountable to yourself! The thing is..and I should have caught onto it so much earlier on.....I always thought he was one foot out at all times. I looked completely ridiculous...I would notice the time he was on IM and a mutual friend was on IM and there would be this looping story that the two of them were talking. I could see it so clearly in my head...ugh...pages after pages in my diary...looking for reasons why I felt so unsettled and scared. I never told him....I knew it was all my insecurity. Sigh. I just so wanted it to be different.
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Post by dhali on Mar 10, 2020 2:57:47 GMT
But the it would be different.
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Post by amber on Mar 10, 2020 3:10:07 GMT
yes. insecurity and triggers are ours to own, but there're certainly partners who do no help there and make it worse. that's all. my current philosophy is.. i might not deserve or be entitled to good things in life, but i sure don't deserve bad things to happen to me. i might be insecure and that's my issue, but i don't need a partner who makes it worse and not acknowledge it when held accountable for. Quote i thought was perfect: "Accountability feels like an attack when one is not ready to take responsibility for the harm caused."
this holds true for evaluating partners, as well as holding yourself accountable to yourself! The thing is..and I should have caught onto it so much earlier on.....I always thought he was one foot out at all times. I looked completely ridiculous...I would notice the time he was on IM and a mutual friend was on IM and there would be this looping story that the two of them were talking. I could see it so clearly in my head...ugh...pages after pages in my diary...looking for reasons why I felt so unsettled and scared. I never told him....I knew it was all my insecurity. Sigh. I just so wanted it to be different. Perhaps it was your insecurity, and maybe that was just feeding into what you already sensed, that he is the type that does a runner. Sometimes we do have to try and trust ourselves, you may have been right in feeling he was one foot in at all times
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Post by amber on Mar 10, 2020 3:51:32 GMT
She doesn’t like “couple talk”?? That’s sort of the gig. I feel, especially with insecure attachments, there needs to be weekly check-ins. Like a business meeting. Where you talk about things you want to see more of, and discuss some things that you’d like to see less of. Do this weekly. That’s not needy. That’s relationship management. Who is to arrogant to say this wouldn’t be useful for every relationship? You have to be honest in these “meetings” Weekly keeps things from exploding. Also set up a weekly date. Out. Every week. It’s a habit. It’s coupe time. Exclusively. Another idea- everyday after work, checkin and state how you’re feeling on a number from 0-100. I order to conquer the world together, both would need to be at 80+. If one is 70 and the other is 10, the 70 needs to pick up couple slack. The 70 needs to empathize with the 10. If both are 20, both empathize with each other and reduce their needs for each other that night. If one is always below 50, they aren’t equipped to be in a relationship. They are telling you this. Explicitly. Start practices that improve communication daily. my current partner and i do this! every week, weekends are our time together, specifically saturdays - whole day. we might not be doing anything at all except binge netflix but we do it together. if he plays games i sit by his side and watch (and commentate). if i watch my show that he doesnt care for, he sits with me and watches (and bitches) about it. we have couple talk or affirming talks every week - it's organic, and natural. we started out very early to analyze our relationship and dynamics and motivations, and spoke candidly about it, and that became a habit. we check in frequently if we're still happy with each other, and if we still want to be together, especially after intimacy like kissing or cuddling. in the past, as an AP, i would love these talks because it fed me energy that we "connecting", but my ex hated it after the honeymoon period ended. these days, it's a business meeting check-in - we take stock, adjust, communicate, and affirm each other and the relationship. dhali funny you said business meeting - our discussions were always business like, not too much emotion involved, if involved, it's spoken not enacted e.g., "let me explain to you why i'm upset about this. A, B, C and D (pout for theatrics)" not "wHaT thE FuCk aRe You DoIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGGGGG". lol. but it does take alot of effort and patience with myself to sort through the feelings and thoughts and explanations, and then present it thoroughly and logically. it might not be logical to HIM but there is a logic to my madness and that can be explained. i've noticed though, those who are emotionally unavailable will simply take it as someone being too sensitive/difficult (even if they were just being normal humans) and not see and empathise with the emotional reason why that person is upset. The thing is, it is never fully logical why people are upset and conflict resolution is rarely cut and dry in terms of protocol; it involves mainly holding emotional space for the other, acknowledging their emotions and proposing solutions to prevent hurt again by understanding why emotions were hurt in the first place. so, dhali is right, if that person is not willing to truly talk i.e., be emotionally open to and invested in the communication, keeping it at a cognitive level, it's a clue they can't/won't do relationship work. This is, however, a learnt skill (or a self developed skill because you've been so traumatized by attachment issues, you saw the light!); if they're open to couples therapy, it's worth going for to learn such skills. I love this! So nice you are having this type of communication with your partner 😄❤️
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 10, 2020 9:10:37 GMT
But the it would be different. Not completely following you on this...can you expand please.
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Post by Helsbells on Mar 10, 2020 17:16:46 GMT
I only tried a couple of times to have a discussion about some of my concerns with my ex FA bf. He would listen, then a bit of personal nit picking. Then he would always say, I understand I'm sorry perhaps it's best I just leave..... Obviously that then triggered my biggest fear "abandonment", so I would back track somewhat, then say "it's ok please dont leave, it's ok it doesn't matter". I would just stuff my feelings down or drink on them, and so would he, and we would just carry on. With both of us stuffing are shit down, it was only an amount of time before the inevitable happened....we all know the ending 😟.
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