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Post by tnr9 on Jun 18, 2019 10:17:04 GMT
Did some posts get deleted from this thread? I swear someone asked me a question that is now gone. Sometimes people delete their posts.
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 6, 2019 14:48:23 GMT
“The only way to get into a relationship for me is if someone is always there, always warm and never mean, never angry, never reacts with either anger or avoidance to my avoidance. If I learn to trust this person, love is possible for me.” laney - This seems impossible? What you said above seems to be the driving force behind my ex DA’s thoughts on relationships. He put me and our relationship on a pedestal when everything was perfect and going smoothly, but he had zero tolerance when we got into a few conflicts. It broke down his trust in me, his feelings changed and he broke up with me weeks later. Of course his pulling back triggered my anxiety and made things much worse. I feel like he held me to an impossible standard because things were wonderful between us- he wanted to get married and said he never in his life opened up like he did to me, but the second things were not a perfect fantasy, he shut down. He’s still shut down over a year post break up- like you, he would never chase now that he has doubts and will just “die alone.” Our break was no doubt painful to both of us and we cope very differently as I teach outward and he reaches inward. His expectations seemed unrealistic to me- I look at conflicts as an opportunity for growth, plus I grew up with parents who expected perfection at all times so it felt like their conditional love and acceptance being played out. He left no more for error. I still have feelings for him, but his trust in us seems to be gone forever and he remains alone. His defensive walls are high. I saw my former relationship in your comment and wonder how any relationship is to last if partners hold each other to such high standards. My parents just celebrated 50 years of marriage and they are by no means perfect and made plenty of mistakes. They just chose to be together rather than be apart.
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laney
New Member
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Post by laney on Jul 15, 2019 12:54:50 GMT
“The only way to get into a relationship for me is if someone is always there, always warm and never mean, never angry, never reacts with either anger or avoidance to my avoidance. If I learn to trust this person, love is possible for me.” laney - This seems impossible? What you said above seems to be the driving force behind my ex DA’s thoughts on relationships. He put me and our relationship on a pedestal when everything was perfect and going smoothly, but he had zero tolerance when we got into a few conflicts. It broke down his trust in me, his feelings changed and he broke up with me weeks later. Of course his pulling back triggered my anxiety and made things much worse. I feel like he held me to an impossible standard because things were wonderful between us- he wanted to get married and said he never in his life opened up like he did to me, but the second things were not a perfect fantasy, he shut down. He’s still shut down over a year post break up- like you, he would never chase now that he has doubts and will just “die alone.” Our break was no doubt painful to both of us and we cope very differently as I teach outward and he reaches inward. His expectations seemed unrealistic to me- I look at conflicts as an opportunity for growth, plus I grew up with parents who expected perfection at all times so it felt like their conditional love and acceptance being played out. He left no more for error. I still have feelings for him, but his trust in us seems to be gone forever and he remains alone. His defensive walls are high. I saw my former relationship in your comment and wonder how any relationship is to last if partners hold each other to such high standards. My parents just celebrated 50 years of marriage and they are by no means perfect and made plenty of mistakes. They just chose to be together rather than be apart. I will have to think about this. I didn't see it as striving for perfection. I am like this in the beginning stages before getting into the actual relationship but once I am in it's different. I don't have that much experience though, since I only had a relationship once and only loved once. Once I loved, I tolerated everything. There was never any fighting but lots of avoidance on his part that I tolerated and sad feelings that I hid. I can tolerate fighting with family but it feels life-threatening at times. It's just extremely hard for me to fall in love at all and to trust. I had wondered in the past if the reason for my walls being this extremely thick is that once I love, I love deeply and forever and would die for that person if I had to. So it's some sort of self protection. If I am getting to know somebody, I just don't have any tolerance for anger or sulking or coldness. It makes trust impossible to develop and without trust no love. Maybe I am too strict, I don't know. I just see it as a bad omen for a future relationship. Thank you for the food for thought.
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laney
New Member
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Post by laney on Jul 15, 2019 15:05:36 GMT
I hardly ever get into relationships to begin with, but when dating... I have a no tolerance for AP behavior. As soon as someone that I hardly know, starts being mean, complains that I don't give them enough time or stalks or threatens me in any way, I am out of there immediately. I might stick around a little bit and try to explain to that person why their behavior is unreasonable and mean and I might feel a little bit flattered that they stick around, but in the end I understand that they don't really love ME but a fantasy that they made up in their own mind and because I don't want to cause them any pain, I think it's more merciful to break up as soon as I realize that this wouldn't work. What makes you think this or how do you know this? They don't know me well enough. One time I met someone and talked to him for 30 minutes, gave him my number. He was very pushy right from the beginning, texting me constantly, sending me crying faces if I didn't answer fast enough. We texted for months but I didn't meet again. He thought he was deeply in love with me, even proposed marriage to me. I had to cut contact after his messages became threatening and after I thought this wasn't a good thing for him either. He even send me a picture of his arm where he cut the first letter of my name into the skin. That scared me. This happened to me two more times. I feel nobody can love me after meeting me once or twice. He probably liked me from my text messages and maybe thought I was pretty. I feel it might be akin to someone believing to being in love with a celebrity as a teenager and putting up pictures with hearts all over the room. Are they just in love with a fantasy or the real person? They don't even know the real person. I know this isn't black and white, but how do you define the beginning stages? Do you notice a pattern of time? (my pattern is eerily similar.) I have been on both sides of this coin. I usually move slowly...I think more slowly than most and have had men get impatient. I think had they been more patient, we would have had more of a chance. I was on the other side of the coin the last time. I think I was more secure and more assured of what I wanted, and I moved at a quicker pace than I normally do. Beginning stages for me is until we are really together, kind of like the courting phase. There is not really a set time. Last time (and only time it worked) the guy texted me every day. He was nice and friendly, he didn't get angry. When I accidentally told him something private, he was kind and understanding. He asked to meet all the time and eventually I gave in. He even had to beg to kiss me. Once that happened, something switched. I was still kind of avoidant but inwardly I turned anxious. Had he continued pursuing me intensely like before, I think, I would have calmed down and turned secure. But that didn't happen.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2019 1:30:48 GMT
“The only way to get into a relationship for me is if someone is always there, always warm and never mean, never angry, never reacts with either anger or avoidance to my avoidance. If I learn to trust this person, love is possible for me.” laney - This seems impossible? What you said above seems to be the driving force behind my ex DA’s thoughts on relationships. He put me and our relationship on a pedestal when everything was perfect and going smoothly, but he had zero tolerance when we got into a few conflicts. It broke down his trust in me, his feelings changed and he broke up with me weeks later. Of course his pulling back triggered my anxiety and made things much worse. I feel like he held me to an impossible standard because things were wonderful between us- he wanted to get married and said he never in his life opened up like he did to me, but the second things were not a perfect fantasy, he shut down. He’s still shut down over a year post break up- like you, he would never chase now that he has doubts and will just “die alone.” Our break was no doubt painful to both of us and we cope very differently as I teach outward and he reaches inward. His expectations seemed unrealistic to me- I look at conflicts as an opportunity for growth, plus I grew up with parents who expected perfection at all times so it felt like their conditional love and acceptance being played out. He left no more for error. I still have feelings for him, but his trust in us seems to be gone forever and he remains alone. His defensive walls are high. I saw my former relationship in your comment and wonder how any relationship is to last if partners hold each other to such high standards. My parents just celebrated 50 years of marriage and they are by no means perfect and made plenty of mistakes. They just chose to be together rather than be apart. I will have to think about this. I didn't see it as striving for perfection. I am like this in the beginning stages before getting into the actual relationship but once I am in it's different. I don't have that much experience though, since I only had a relationship once and only loved once. Once I loved, I tolerated everything. There was never any fighting but lots of avoidance on his part that I tolerated and sad feelings that I hid. I can tolerate fighting with family but it feels life-threatening at times. It's just extremely hard for me to fall in love at all and to trust. I had wondered in the past if the reason for my walls being this extremely thick is that once I love, I love deeply and forever and would die for that person if I had to. So it's some sort of self protection. If I am getting to know somebody, I just don't have any tolerance for anger or sulking or coldness. It makes trust impossible to develop and without trust no love. Maybe I am too strict, I don't know. I just see it as a bad omen for a future relationship. Thank you for the food for thought. me too!!!! my attitude towards rships is that once I love, i love deeply and would do anything for that person as i prioritize the relationship - move countries, have children, give up my work etc etc. and so when i do fall in love, it's extremely anxiety inducing, because deep down it feels like I'm ready to give up everything for this person, but is this person willing to do the same for me? does this person prioritize us over him? would I give up everything for nothing? so when i don't see reciprocity in the same amount, it creates lots of anxiety. The problem is if someone does it to me e.g., demonstrate a real investment and interest in me, I get scared because it's such a huge commitment to me that I don't believe is well deserved (e.g., he doesn't know the true me, I haven't worked for this approval and love, I don't believe anyone would do that for me). so that creates this crazy push pull within myself that feels like it's life threatening - it probably is so because i've thrown my life into the stakes! I don't like conflict in relationships - partners who get angry with me or sulk or coldness... only those whom im not truly invested in, I wouldn't react with fear. however, for those i'm invested in, any signs of that makes me feel extreme distrust that this relationship is real, and that they are actually on my side. I find it difficult to trust when I know that someone I am vulnerable with can turn on me suddenly - I'm exposed to these risks of being abandoned simply (and my life being disrupted and thrown away) because someone else got angry with me, which I work very hard not to let it happen in the first place. so if I have worked so hard to keep the peace and prioritize the relationship, and someone still got angry and sulky with me, then what really am I worth being with? it feels like I've worked hard and it's still not enough to have a loving relationship. both things i'm working hard on to change. It's not conducive to developing healthy relationships because the stakes are always so high, but they don't have to be. If i take control and ownership of myself and my life, and reduce their importance to just one other person in my circle, the stakes are alot lower. before i love and commit, i will observe their integrity and behavior to know that as people, they are respectable in themselves, and that they earned my trust and respect for who they are as individuals, not just by default because they fulfill a role of my boyfriend/friend. I no longer choose to love deeply and forever by default of falling in love, but choose to act lovingly and kindly, while reserving the right to fall deeply and forever over a very long period of time. that has made me seem more distrustful of people, and an unwillingness to let them into my life, but i see it as being more careful in throwing my emotions away without a careful consideration of what I'm doing. I'm in my mid 30s, and falling in love and ending it traumatically no longer is a fun thing to do (I must say that in my 20s, it felt glorious though, the naivete and romance of dramatic love that cannot come to pass).
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