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Post by hannah99 on Jul 6, 2019 14:53:31 GMT
My ex is either da or fa (we were together for four years and had broken up with me before but always begged for forgiveness)
We broke up 6 months ago when I left me for another woman.
I'd really like to talk some stuff through with him and get to a place where we have open lines of communication. We have a lot in common, we have always been very supportive of each other and I've worked through a lot of stuff during therapy that I'd like to discuss and unpick in relation to our shared history.
Any attempts I've made have been futile. He's made it very clear he does not want to discuss anything beyond chit chat.
Do you think there's any way of communicating with this man and maintaining a healthy friendship or am I wasting my time?
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 6, 2019 15:00:08 GMT
hannah99 - If he’s DA and done then any in-depth discussion will likely be a waste of time. DA’s aren’t fans of opening up normally and you’re attempting this analysis with a DA who has moved forward. That’s a double whammy. I was in a committed relationship and was broken up with a DA and even though I can reach out to him now and he’ll respond- he doesn’t want to talk in-depth about anything. DA typically let things go rather quickly and put up that wall of defense to protect themselves. Where I reach outward, he reaches far inward. So, unfortunately if looking for an ex DA to sort through things and communicate openly I’d say it won’t happen- if they wanted to communicate they would’ve stayed in the relationship. There are little gray areas with DA. Black and white only. Strong boundaries. If you push for more you’ll get fight or flight. He’ll bite or run. If I would’ve accepted our break when it happened and cut all ties, I’d be much further along in the healing process. I never met anyone like this before who for their own reasons can be cold as ice. No empathy. Trying to get a DA to open up who has already decided what’s best is to distance and be done is like trying to get blood from a stone.
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 6, 2019 16:16:35 GMT
Yeah sounds just like him...and the more he rejects my attempts to discuss the more I want it. I know this is the answer but it's a struggle to accept.
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 6, 2019 19:05:48 GMT
Yeah sounds just like him...and the more he rejects my attempts to discuss the more I want it. I know this is the answer but it's a struggle to accept. - yes, it’s part of that vicious push/pull cycle. I know it- I’ve been in it with this DA for a couple years. Never having experienced anyone like him before I was completely blind sided by how quickly he can shut off and shut down. His emotions turned off like a faucet. I think it’s due to fear and mistrust, but no matter the reason being on the receiving end is painful- the stonewalling I’ve encountered is emotional abuse. Sorry you’re going through this- our strength will have to come from within and support from those who are capable of giving. |
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 6, 2019 19:10:22 GMT
Thank you. I hope soon I will find the strength to no longer want him.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2019 19:48:36 GMT
Yeah sounds just like him...and the more he rejects my attempts to discuss the more I want it. I know this is the answer but it's a struggle to accept. - yes, it’s part of that vicious push/pull cycle. I know it- I’ve been in it with this DA for a couple years. Never having experienced anyone like him before I was completely blind sided by how quickly he can shut off and shut down. His emotions turned off like a faucet. I think it’s due to fear and mistrust, but no matter the reason being on the receiving end is painful- the stonewalling I’ve encountered is emotional abuse. Sorry you’re going through this- our strength will have to come from within and support from those who are capable of giving. Very interesting term of words. I always thought stonewalling could be emotional abuse. Glad to read someone else whom has been in a relationship with a DA point this out. It's a lot clear once you take yourself out from it and see the situation for how it is. Thanks! |
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 6, 2019 20:18:11 GMT
Thank you. I hope soon I will find the strength to no longer want him. I’m right there with you. 💗 I’m much stronger than I was a year ago, and I think it’s good that we’re patient with ourselves and focus on our progress. I also try to remind myself I’ve gotten over other relationships in the past that also seemed impossible at the time. |
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 6, 2019 20:19:00 GMT
hannah - yes, it’s part of that vicious push/pull cycle. I know it- I’ve been in it with this DA for a couple years. Never having experienced anyone like him before I was completely blind sided by how quickly he can shut off and shut down. His emotions turned off like a faucet. I think it’s due to fear and mistrust, but no matter the reason being on the receiving end is painful- the stonewalling I’ve encountered is emotional abuse. Sorry you’re going through this- our strength will have to come from within and support from those who are capable of giving. Very interesting term of words. I always thought stonewalling could be emotional abuse. Glad to read someone else whom has been in a relationship with a DA point this out. It's a lot clear once you take yourself out from it and see the situation for how it is. Thanks! @thatright - Yes, stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse and longer lasting than physical abuse. Studies show even a secure person has a physiological response to being stonewalled. It affects the nervous system in a very negative way. |
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 6, 2019 21:04:18 GMT
i'm having similar thoughts...last nite i couldn't sleep and thought of how if he wasn't a DA i could send him a text and tell him how much i missed his support and friendship... but since he ignored my text offering condolences after he finally replied to me .... i'm sure that would be ignored as well.
all i wanted was a friendship and he can't even meet for a drink and have chit chat
i've never had someine just turn cold in an hours time even the texts changed he told me of his ghost and he went from happy and using my name in texts to just cold texts.
this is a guy who faked havung his life together so i was blindsided.
im right there with you struggling someine today texted they saw him out and they thought we were great together ... so did i.
just wanted to let you know youre not alone
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 6, 2019 22:15:35 GMT
i'm having similar thoughts...last nite i couldn't sleep and thought of how if he wasn't a DA i could send him a text and tell him how much i missed his support and friendship... but since he ignored my text offering condolences after he finally replied to me .... i'm sure that would be ignored as well. all i wanted was a friendship and he can't even meet for a drink and have chit chat i've never had someine just turn cold in an hours time even the texts changed he told me of his ghost and he went from happy and using my name in texts to just cold texts. this is a guy who faked havung his life together so i was blindsided. im right there with you struggling someine today texted they saw him out and they thought we were great together ... so did i. just wanted to let you know youre not alone DA’s usually DO appear to have their lives together from the outside world bc they are fiercely independent, able to self-soothe and usually very successful in their careers. My ex DA is a very capable leader in his career- but the same qualities that make him a great boss (being detached, logic rather than emotion) make him very weak if not incapable of relationships. This appearance of having it “all together” was definitely attractive to me at first, but now 2 years after being in a relationship with him I see that he isn’t even capable of having an intimate conversation and I see how weak he really is as he self-sabotages and avoids his emotions and relationships rather than living life. |
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 6, 2019 22:46:17 GMT
i'm having similar thoughts...last nite i couldn't sleep and thought of how if he wasn't a DA i could send him a text and tell him how much i missed his support and friendship... but since he ignored my text offering condolences after he finally replied to me .... i'm sure that would be ignored as well. all i wanted was a friendship and he can't even meet for a drink and have chit chat i've never had someine just turn cold in an hours time even the texts changed he told me of his ghost and he went from happy and using my name in texts to just cold texts. this is a guy who faked havung his life together so i was blindsided. im right there with you struggling someine today texted they saw him out and they thought we were great together ... so did i. just wanted to let you know youre not alone DA’s usually DO appear to have their lives together from the outside world bc they are fiercely independent, able to self-soothe and usually very successful in their careers. My ex DA is a very capable leader in his career- but the same qualities that make him a great boss (being detached, logic rather than emotion) make him very weak if not incapable of relationships. This appearance of having it “all together” was definitely attractive to me at first, but now 2 years after being in a relationship with him I see that he isn’t even capable of having an intimate conversation and I see how weak he really is as he self-sabotages and avoids his emotions and relationships rather than living life. did we date the same man, wow! that's my x ..when it all crashed down i said i thought you had it all together and he said i do with work, but emotionally no. i've posted on here how he feels he's cheating on his phantom x.... i just wish i had the knowledge back then i do now. my x was harried for over 25 years ..i have no clue how that's possible ...i do recall him saying he wasn't upset at all when they separated and they are better as friends now. i thought maybe he was a narcissist but he never got mad at me and in fact still says he's fond of me i've avoided him for months but wish i could see what he would do if he saw me. he sure acted like he wanted a relationship i was the one that didn't and now we have nothing thanks again for replying .. |
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 7, 2019 8:01:48 GMT
I think my ex is fa from what you're saying. Very anxious and insecure, definitely does not have his shit together but seems to become da in certain situations.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 13:26:58 GMT
i'm having similar thoughts...last nite i couldn't sleep and thought of how if he wasn't a DA i could send him a text and tell him how much i missed his support and friendship... but since he ignored my text offering condolences after he finally replied to me .... i'm sure that would be ignored as well.
all i wanted was a friendship and he can't even meet for a drink and have chit chat i've never had someine just turn cold in an hours time even the texts changed he told me of his ghost and he went from happy and using my name in texts to just cold texts. this is a guy who faked havung his life together so i was blindsided. im right there with you struggling someine today texted they saw him out and they thought we were great together ... so did i. just wanted to let you know youre not alone I too agree with you here. It's painful when you're ignored and it's cold. If they were cold in a relationship then there's little chance they will change in a friendship way. You're not alone as well. |
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 7, 2019 17:47:55 GMT
@thatright he was not avoidant towards me until he shut down so the friendship we had because it was so short lived was him replying to my texts right away always glad to hear from me... i know if i were to question it he would say he told me he's busy with work... and then would say back in the beginning he wasn't as busy..i have my own thread going about how the texts changed
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 18:18:18 GMT
You guys put so much importance on texting and it's really just a shit form of impersonal communication in the first place.
I feel like you might be missing the forest for the trees. Real intimacy and warmth doesn't manifest in texting in the first place. So it may not have ever been there at all if that's what you're basing all these feelings and negativity on.
I get that you're unhappy with how things ended or turned out but failed relationships take two. Just like successful ones do.
Just my two cents, nothing personal it's just that you both seem like you're complaining about sour grapes. If things are so cold and negative why not just drop it? You have to face your own feelings about rejection or your own unrealistic ideas about what relationship you may or may not have had instead of just criticizing these guys.
I know that in one of your cases the involvement was so short lived and didn't go to depth, in the first place - the fact that it fizzled out is not just one person's fault, all kind of people are incompatible and life is hard sometimes . It's like a big abandonment story over someone who has their own limitations just like you. It just sounds like there is a lot of victim think going on? If I were the man you're talking about and I read all this I would be like "Ok, if she thinks I'm so horrible and cold and blah blah then good riddance."
People have pain (you know yours but you don't know that of a dismissive. you have no idea) and it's hard enough to cope without being under the microscope and being the bad guy all the time.
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