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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 7, 2019 18:50:38 GMT
@sherry for me it's more about why the drastic change and for me it was a friendship and he was there for me during a very challenging period of time for me, with support both in person and via text. so are you saying he was faking all that? i own my part in the relationship and what i did not know at the time how i see it now is while he was helping me with my issues and saying his life was in order it indeed was not the case...so to me it was a drastic shift. and if it was never so deep than why such the avoidance to even meeting for a simple drink. in general i do not like texting but this guy doesn't use the phone to talk. i'm not blaming my x just trying to make sense of it because despite what you think to me it was real and my feelings are also real. doesn't matter how short of a time we knew each other. i have stated numerous times he is going thru a difficult time and i have given him plenty of time and space but if he can't reply with a simple thank you eventually well that's kinda rude to me. and with my history of narcassist well there is that as well. i think it's clear by how he would state we need to work on the emotional connection he wasn't as connected despite acting like he was. to me if this really was nothing then thismshiuld be a non issue and my texts should be replied to we should be meeting for a chat etc...but that's not the case and the communication is lacking i'm starting to see this as a guy that was pretending to be someine he isn't and never can be just to gain something from me as he said he enjoyed being liked.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 18:59:56 GMT
@sherry for me it's more about why the drastic change and for me it was a friendship and he was there for me during a very challenging period of time for me, with support both in person and via text. so are you saying he was faking all that? i own my part in the relationship and what i did not know at the time how i see it now is while he was helping me with my issues and saying his life was in order it indeed was not the case...so to me it was a drastic shift. and if it was never so deep than why such the avoidance to even meeting for a simple drink. in general i do not like texting but this guy doesn't use the phone to talk. i'm not blaming my x just trying to make sense of it because despite what you think to me it was real and my feelings are also real. doesn't matter how short of a time we knew each other. i have stated numerous times he is going thru a difficult time and i have given him plenty of time and space but if he can't reply with a simple thank you eventually well that's kinda rude to me. and with my history of narcassist well there is that as well. i think it's clear by how he would state we need to work on the emotional connection he wasn't as connected despite acting like he was. to me if this really was nothing then thismshiuld be a non issue and my texts should be replied to we should be meeting for a chat etc...but that's not the case and the communication is lacking i'm starting to see this as a guy that was pretending to be someine he isn't and never can be just to gain something from me as he said he enjoyed being liked. Ultimately, he is not available to you for whatever reason and I would bet a million dollars your narrative is accurate to your own abandonment issues, and is influenced by your own problems more than it is influcenced by facts about how he thinks, feels, or what he is going through. Either way, you have to cope with whatever narrative you give it. So if it makes sense to you to believe all that you do with the mindreading you are doing in order to make sense of it all to yourself, then that's what you can utilize to deal with it. You don't have access to his internal state because he hasn't given it to you. He has his own reasons for that and they may or may not have anything to do with you or your thought processes. Losing people to death brings up primal issues, ,primordial, existential issues. So do other life stressors. You have your perspective and he has his and you two aren't intimately involved so you can only make assumptions. That will only get you so far into coping and dealing with it but if it is working for you to do it this way then no one can really intervene . I am just providing input from my own perspective which may or may not be helpful. Just discussing it as I see things very differently than you do. |
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 7, 2019 19:21:23 GMT
@sherry the way your replies have been to me since i joined and again this is how i view them
is that your opinion is this was some bar hookup going on where we'd would meet hookup and then text inbewteeen so because it was so insignificant i should be just able to say oh it fizzled out ah well and move on. which i have been able to do with just hookups where they know nothing about me or my life and haven't been supportive. but when someine is texting and sitting with you listening and offering support and wanting to help wanting me not to move out of the area then for me it goes deeper than just a hookup. i'm sure he does have his view which he has expressed how he basically had too much on his plate and fears if we got together it would escalate into something physical which makes him feel bad about himself that's all facts and stuff he has said to me along with the mixed signals .
snd now we have the recent loses of his as well in my own life.... so it's all really changed again since we last talked three months ago.
my friendships are more give and take which the one with him was if one of my friends suddenly went cold i would find that rather strange tbh. i basically miss how he used to be as i've never had someine just change like this.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 19:28:06 GMT
I am sorry I don't understand, the nature of your relationship. I do remember there was a lot of drinking involved and I don't believe in true intimacy and being buzzed at the same time.
So I can leave it be and hold my thoughts to myself if that is more helpful.
My apologies.
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 7, 2019 19:36:23 GMT
@sherry that's another factor you basically pegged me as some alcoholic for having one drink a month maybe two to get out of my house to take my mind off issues i was dealing with now i can't speak for his side of it as i only saw him drink a few until we were more dating and then the drinking was more. was he drunk when texting his support only he knows that..i was sober the majority of the time yes drinking was a factor when we were kissing and he was triggered
this whole exchange is triggering tbh and just has me wanting to reach out to him and ask more questions it's as if u take his side i posted before joining here on an NPD board and a few said his behavior is npd but yet to me it feels like you're always blaming me and defending him. and i finally had some nerve today to voice my feelings towards you .
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 19:49:34 GMT
@sherry that's another factor you basically pegged me as some alcoholic for having one drink a month maybe two to get out of my house to take my mind off issues i was dealing with now i can't speak for his side of it as i only saw him drink a few until we were more dating and then the drinking was more. was he drunk when texting his support only he knows that..i was sober the majority of the time yes drinking was a factor when we were kissing and he was triggered this whole exchange is triggering tbh and just has me wanting to reach out to him and ask more questions it's as if u take his side i posted before joining here on an NPD board and a few said his behavior is npd but yet to me it feels like you're always blaming me and defending him. and i finally had some nerve today to voice my feelings towards you . I'm fine with your feelings toward me, and I have not implied you are an alcoholic. I have responded specifically to your own accounts of drinking. Yours and his. When you write that this man has been dealing with death and family of course I empathize with him because I have been through that myself as a dismissive, many people have, and it's deep and takes months to recover from. You do seem to be self- absorbed in your perspective of him, and very negative about him. Well, I'm a dismissive and I do see another side to all this. So it's ok if you share your opinions and I share mine. You have admitted to a heck of a lot of interactions around alcohol. I do believe that alcohol impairs authenticity. You can feel otherwise. You can also feel triggered and say whatever you want to say to me about that. Ultimately your situation is your own, it does not impact me personally. You've shared details of it on a forum on the internet and it's not totally surprising that you get feedback that doesn't align with your feelings and perspectives. However, it's not my intention to simply be a thorn in your side, I am working through my own feelings and situations. I have encountered people who sound like you in my own life, and more recently have been able to stand up for myself against people who think and believe like you. So it's probably helpful for both of us to call bullshit when we see or perceive it, not just you. I'm ok with it. |
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Post by newoutlook on Jul 8, 2019 8:19:30 GMT
stuckinamoment I'm just a lurker, I read some of your posts and perhaps I missed something but a few things stood out to me: 1. He offered you support before but it doesn't mean he sold his soul to you, that now it's his resposibility to keep doing that. Some secure people end their long term relationships and don't keep in touch with their exes, which is probably for the best if the other side has unresolved feelings. Do you think that this friendship with him is possible right now? When there's so much anger and hate directed at him? 2. The fact that he didn't thank you for your condolences doesn't mean he's ignoring you. It'd be customary. Some people won't even consider it as rude. He doesn't owe you that and it makes it look like you offered your condolences only to be thanked for them, or to sustain contact (to avoid feeling rejected). 3. You mentioned that your ex lost two close people recently (including a PARENT if I understood correctly), and you're not respecting it. You paint him heartless for not wanting to go for a drink with his short term ex but wouldn't he be truly heartless if he didn't grieve his loved ones?! Isn't it heartless of you when you make it all about you? Especially when you talk how you're hurt becasue your mother abandoned you recently, an adult daughter. You're here, learning about the attachment theory, didn't you learn avoidants MUST retreat inwards to soothe themselves? Or you don't care about it and you only want him to soothe you despite his pain? 4. You nitpick about little things like not using your name while texting - things change, relations change, dynamics change ALL THE TIME. No one will act the same a week in vs a month with vs a year in vs 25 years in. 5. Why you are subborn about drinks? Becasue he kisses you when he's drunk? Why not be a true friend and return his help by asking if he needs anything, a warm meal and peace? Respect it when he says "no, thank you". It's what a friend would do.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2019 13:41:23 GMT
stuckinamoment I read your first thread, where you laid out the whole story and asked if he sounds like a DA. I have not clue his attachment style, but he sounds like a very reasonable guy in any case. You do not sound reasonable. You can work on that but not if you keep blaming everyone else for abandoning you. You are an adult, and responsible for yourself. He tried to date you, and found he wasn't over his ex. Have empathy, neither are you! He was completely honest and respectful with you about that. At least, according to what you wrote THEN. Throughout the post you detailed his kindness and patience with you as you avoided him (for your own pain). Have empathy. He's in pain. It's not all about you. You actually admit to avoiding him a few times in that post and that's your primary complaint about him. Look at that. You repeatedly took thinks to the Nth degree, it sounds like- continually making this an all or nothing proposition by asking if he wants you OUT OF HIS LIFE FOR GOOD while he offered the olive branch of friendship. It sounds like he was practically begging you to be understanding of where he was at in his life. His pain. He didn't withhold that information, he shared it with you. To not be over an ex is a thing- look at this board. To try to move on with dating is also a thing. You threw fits. Have empathy instead. He finally told you he didn't like to be badgered- leave him alone! You're badgering. How you took all this to an NPD board and gathered an opinion he's narcissistic is either your own wizardry or projection.
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 8, 2019 14:46:24 GMT
here are the issues i have with my x
he never once told me of this ghost of an x until i was finally into dating him ...so from this side it does feel like it could have been a game although thru therapy i have learned it could have been self sabatage
2 once he told me of the ghost is when he went cold was suddenly busy with work of which he told me he uses work to help him escape from dealing with getting over her...so i would reach out with nice texts etc... as i thought it was just a guy not over and x not this entire attachment issue that goes so much deeper.
3) all the while he didn't tell me he also had some pretty involved issues going on with another family member which is why he was suddenly not available non of this was explained i had to figure it all out and piece it all together if it was just explained at the start then i wouldn't have even been triggered at all.
4) yes he offered friendship to me and guess what he did changed his mind and was acting like we were a couple and opened up to me and at the end of that nite he then says as we are saying goodbye he hopes he doesn't feel like he's cheating so a great nite and he says that at the end and guess what i showed care and empathy
5) it ended because he withheld kept pieces of his life ...and i assumed by his last comment he was feeling like he was cheating on his x thus i tried to understand but was triggered mostly with issues i was dealing with in my life not giving me the capacity to understand plus he did not tell me he tried to dismiss me with a my life is complicated . the way he was acting really made it seem like he had someone on the side...the vague answers and leaving at certain times etc. the lack of communication and only leaving me with his life was complicated and he was cheating on his x
6) i had to ask for closure which all i was asking is a better understanding of where he was coming from and all i got really was more of my life is complicated
7) i replied to his text about his too loses because after i calmed my own hurt i did care that he is going thou that because he was there for me and i did want to be there for him...but he does not want that.
i did not feel like i was badgering at him at him at all...that comment came when i was asking what was going on and what he wanted me to do because he had no expressed for me to leave him alone and that we were also ending the friendship ..i had no clue what he wanted or needed ..and i certainly didn't want to text him and be ignored which usually means non interest leave me alone even he would feel that way about me i had to cancel a date and he immediately assumed i had no interested despite me explaining bad pain i was in.
i can't ask him what he needs as that is what he sees as badgering i have given him space plenty of it hence why i posted avoided him... why approach someine that asked for space? almost three months of space i have given him i'm sorry if when he said he would reach out i shouldn't have been concerned i guess?
so see it as yiu want it im trying to process how a person suddenly changed and can't tell me what they want there were a lot of mixed messages i was clear with him in the beginning when i wouldn't reply , he knew i had a hectic period n my life...i was clear and direct . he still would reach out to me and want to go on a date despite my world feeling like it was collapsing on me.
i thnk what i have most issue with is the fact i csnt help him like he helped me because since we did get closer he cant have me in his life as it is a reminder of the fact he's not over the x.
what als is bothersome is i took m time with him and kept it rather casual and thought i knew most about his past and dating and then to have the ghost dumped on me was tough.
a lot of our issues was because of him withholding information that would have made everything make sense .
and yes friendships i have made we do remain supportive of each other and help each other thru hard times it's give and take just like my therapist points out to me.
it would be great if i could offer him support but he won't say a no thank you at all ...like i've said the lack of communication is key to most of this especially since i'm AP. i sent the nice text which i meant but i can't say if i see him i won't not go and say hello
if wanting communication was selfish then paint me selfish. for me as an AP and when another woman is brought up and how i could relate as years back i has someine n my life that sounded similar i wanted to help until i was triggered most i asked all said he has another woman
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Post by mrob on Jul 8, 2019 14:51:12 GMT
And here is a case in point of the dance between an AP and a DA/FA.
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 8, 2019 14:56:12 GMT
And here is a case in point of the dance between an AP and a DA/FA. i really do try and u derstand the DA side but i just feel bashed and attacked ... i guess it's common to be vague and thus since i'm AP that triggered me? for me to think he was at work escaping a ghost when he was actually doing a family thing? and not always at work? |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2019 15:04:30 GMT
And here is a case in point of the dance between an AP and a DA/FA. And HOW DARE an avoidant be done!! Not in my life anymore. By CHOICE. We all have choices. It seems that some on this board feel entitled to a relationship whether the other person wants it or not, and if they don't get it they come here to criticize, demean, pathologize, play victim to the partner they can't let go of. It's toxic. Have at me for saying so. Each person has an opportunity to create their own lives and relationships. Whatever you do is impacting you- the gone avoidant has and is making choices to limit your impact on them. Its a free world. |
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Post by mrob on Jul 8, 2019 15:07:13 GMT
While you are in victim mode, you’ll always feel bashed and attacked. It takes two to tango. After my first marriage broke down, I looked for every avenue to make myself look as pure as the driven snow. I asked people’s advice, I looked for validation everywhere. I eventually came to the point where I realised that my expectations of people are broken.
This realisation didn’t stop me from creating huge dramas again, in a different way, that is repairable only on a daily basis.
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 8, 2019 15:10:01 GMT
@sherry you have a few facts incorrect . he did not offer friendship i did. i had no clue he didn't want me in his life even as a friend until i ran into him that nite .i said did he want to grab a drink and he said you know where i'm at i was shocked it said he had no bandwidth but yet was out socializing.
..on the phone call he did not say that we could not chat and be friends i also was confused at the time that he could have expressed caring for me deeply and all the rest like buying a house etc if he was still so hung up on an x...to me it made no sense at the time and was hurtful and shocking as we had plenty of conversations about our past.
i did not avoid him until recently. you seem hell bent on only seeing his side and not my own attachment issues with a man that never had me to his place and only used the phone twice to call and both times were from a parking lot . to me it started to seem like he had another woman in real,life lurking and it did to my trusted inner circle friends too. that's where the triggering came from that eventually ended it.
the current situatiin with his losses is a new issue and not related to the past i didnt know his step parent was in bad helath u til month four. it was never mentioned as he had the perfect life and that parent is allegedly a millionaire his life was painted to me as perfect ...i even asked if he needed help or support with anything and he said no he was in a good place in life .
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Post by mrob on Jul 8, 2019 15:10:11 GMT
And here is a case in point of the dance between an AP and a DA/FA. And HOW DARE and avoidant be done!! Not in my life anymore. By CHOICE. we all have choices And that’s right. That’s where I’ve been this time around. I see red flags, and act on them for the first time in my life. They generally don’t come out immediately. People are putting their best foot forward, as you would expect. People can’t be blamed for that. People have done the same with me, and that’s fine. |
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