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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2019 15:49:23 GMT
APs do the same thing! All insecurely attached people do similar. Nobody is a completely open book from day 1. There’s stuff you may not have even known you were holding back. I’m continuing along this line of “I am right and he is wrong” because it’s a line with no healing. It’s an endless loop. I’ve been there as the anxious side of being FA. I get it. Precisely why coming here to complain about an ex or partner is not going to get anyone far. I've seen people who come here to work on their own stuff make changes, get healthier. |
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Post by lilyg on Jul 8, 2019 15:50:21 GMT
This isn’t about the word for word! He says, she says. This is about the underlying stuff that animates people. The bloke is sick, sick attracts sick. Please, I’m not going out of my way to be nasty, to gaslight you or humiliate you. Unless you can see at some point your actions were off, you’ll continue to be a victim. That’s your choice, of course. I mean that genuinely and without malice. thank you , that's just it no one has said this man is sick it's all how i have it wrong and this and that i wish i never posted here call me a victim have at me i fell for and believed the wrong guy and i'm struggling with a ton right now i'm in therapy i'm trying a tornado came they my life and i'm rebuilding i've repeatedly said i was triggered and acted out of being an AP yes my actions were off imshoukd have ran when he called me the wrong name and never looked back for reasons u don't k ow and i won't share on here my life has other pressing serious stuff going on which in therapy i'm, learning to self soothe all while, dealing with this ending it's not black and white Hey don't beat yourself up. Here we focus a lot on ourselves and what we have done to create the patterns we struggle with in relationships. It's good that you're on therapy. We all have things to work on, sometimes it feels like it's not fair, moreso when we are struggling with important things in our lives. Don't feel bad about it…step by step, this is a process and nobody is here to make you feel bad  it's a blessing when we realise we can work on things and that there is a bright future ahead after it. I hope everything else turns out well for you! |
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Post by mrob on Jul 8, 2019 15:50:54 GMT
APs do the same thing! All insecurely attached people do similar. Nobody is a completely open book from day 1. There’s stuff you may not have even known you were holding back. I’m continuing along this line of “I am right and he is wrong” because it’s a line with no healing. It’s an endless loop. I’ve been there as the anxious side of being FA. I get it. Precisely why coming here to complain about an ex or partner is not going to get anyone far. I've seen people who come here to work on their own stuff make changes, get healthier. Yes. But people have to get to step 0, if you know what I mean, and sometimes that is what it takes. |
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 8, 2019 15:54:49 GMT
APs do the same thing! All insecurely attached people do similar. Nobody is a completely open book from day 1. There’s stuff you may not have even known you were holding back. I’m continuing along this line of “I am right and he is wrong” because it’s a line with no healing. It’s an endless loop. I’ve been there as the anxious side of being FA. I get it. Precisely why coming here to complain about an ex or partner is not going to get anyone far. I've seen people who come here to work on their own stuff make changes, get healthier. go stuck it your holier than thou attitude as u left and came back well i'm leaving the board taking a break this is all too toxic for me land no i don't hold back who i am as a person and don't drastically change that's pathological go run with that now have fun posting to each other |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2019 15:55:25 GMT
Precisely why coming here to complain about an ex or partner is not going to get anyone far. I've seen people who come here to work on their own stuff make changes, get healthier. Yes. But people have to get to step 0, if you know what I mean, and sometimes that is what it takes. Sure, and being on a discussion board can be useful but I wouldn't expect only rose petals from a mixed community like this. I've seen you post challenges to toxic AP thinking as well- there was a post about power that was worthy of a pushback, I recall. We all have our POV, many will disagree. |
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Post by newoutlook on Jul 8, 2019 17:39:24 GMT
@sherry you have a few facts incorrect . he did not offer friendship i did. i had no clue he didn't want me in his life even as a friend until i ran into him that nite .i said did he want to grab a drink and he said you know where i'm at i was shocked it said he had no bandwidth but yet was out socializing. ..on the phone call he did not say that we could not chat and be friends i also was confused at the time that he could have expressed caring for me deeply and all the rest like buying a house etc if he was still so hung up on an x...to me it made no sense at the time and was hurtful and shocking as we had plenty of conversations about our past. i did not avoid him until recently. you seem hell bent on only seeing his side and not my own attachment issues with a man that never had me to his place and only used the phone twice to call and both times were from a parking lot . to me it started to seem like he had another woman in real,life lurking and it did to my trusted inner circle friends too. that's where the triggering came from that eventually ended it. the current situatiin with his losses is a new issue and not related to the past i didnt know his step parent was in bad helath u til month four. it was never mentioned as he had the perfect life and that parent is allegedly a millionaire his life was painted to me as perfect ...i even asked if he needed help or support with anything and he said no he was in a good place in life . This is exactly why your priority should be working on your own attachment. Only you are responsible for your life choices, you chose this man. I don't believe he didn't display any signs of his insecure attachment if he indeed is an avoidant. Either you attached too soon without knowing the man, how he comunicates, what's his background, the past or you simply ignored the signs. From what you're saying, he didn't lie, he was honest, he just didn't tell you; so why did you attach to a stranger? Becasue he was nice? That shouldn't be enough. He's not what you were looking for, you learn from it and take resposibility for your life. He doesn't owe you anything. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Perhaps he doesn't want friendship with you either. It doesn't matter what he says. People say lots of things. You aren't tied in any way, if you feel disrespected and unsatisfied you gather your things and say goodbye. You go and find someone who is available to you. This is what you should focus on- to learn how to be able to do it. Trying figuring out how one can change- what's the point? You got your answer- he might be an avoidant going through rough period in his life and still pinning after his ex so he doesn't want a relationship with you. What else do you need and what will you do with it? Even if you wanted to plot how to get him back- you are a part of this dynamic and it won't last. There's no prince that will appear, meet all your needs and your own insecure attachment will disappear. You shouldn't expect that. Just like you're hurt by avoidnat behaviour, you can hurt others with your anxious behaviour. You're as unavailable as he is, with a difference - he doesn't blame you for it, nor he expects you to fix it. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2019 17:41:32 GMT
Nope, I don't have romantic relationships with AP and the toxic friend I had, I spoke directly to and changed the level of involvement to eliminate the victim aggression he brought to all our interactions. I mentioned that I had learned how to deal with people like you IRL. Here, we are participating in a discussion that you invite by posting here. I do find it useful for my own process to state my position clearly, even in disagreement such as on this controversial thread. Sherry - was your friend an AP whom you refer "toxic friend"? |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2019 19:36:04 GMT
Nope, I don't have romantic relationships with AP and the toxic friend I had, I spoke directly to and changed the level of involvement to eliminate the victim aggression he brought to all our interactions. I mentioned that I had learned how to deal with people like you IRL. Here, we are participating in a discussion that you invite by posting here. I do find it useful for my own process to state my position clearly, even in disagreement such as on this controversial thread. Sherry - was your friend an AP whom you refer "toxic friend"? Yes. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2019 19:57:05 GMT
Sherry - was your friend an AP whom you refer "toxic friend"? Yes. Thanks for confirming and link provided. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2019 21:17:00 GMT
Precisely why coming here to complain about an ex or partner is not going to get anyone far. I've seen people who come here to work on their own stuff make changes, get healthier. go stuck it your holier than thou attitude as u left and came back well i'm leaving the board taking a break this is all too toxic for me land no i don't hold back who i am as a person and don't drastically change that's pathological go run with that now have fun posting to each other Huh? What's me leaving the board and coming back got to do with anything? It's got nothing to do with anyone here, not at all. Anyone's participation here is voluntary and who cares if someone leaves and comes back, I don't get that at all. I personally don't like having inactive logins all over the net, what you do if you go is up to you, it's your choice. |
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Post by rae on Jul 9, 2019 0:19:12 GMT
hannah99 - If he’s DA and done then any in-depth discussion will likely be a waste of time. DA’s aren’t fans of opening up normally and you’re attempting this analysis with a DA who has moved forward. That’s a double whammy. I was in a committed relationship and was broken up with a DA and even though I can reach out to him now and he’ll respond- he doesn’t want to talk in-depth about anything. DA typically let things go rather quickly and put up that wall of defense to protect themselves. Where I reach outward, he reaches far inward. So, unfortunately if looking for an ex DA to sort through things and communicate openly I’d say it won’t happen- if they wanted to communicate they would’ve stayed in the relationship. There are little gray areas with DA. Black and white only. Strong boundaries. If you push for more you’ll get fight or flight. He’ll bite or run. If I would’ve accepted our break when it happened and cut all ties, I’d be much further along in the healing process. I never met anyone like this before who for their own reasons can be cold as ice. No empathy. Trying to get a DA to open up who has already decided what’s best is to distance and be done is like trying to get blood from a stone. I agree with you wholeheartedly! I dated a DA (or maybe an FA) casually for 2 months. We drifted apart but reconnected 9 months later. He came on strong. He bought me flowers frequently, expensive gifts. He had no problem integrating me with his family and friends, told me he loved me everyday after 3 months, gave me the key to his house, contacted me multiple times a day and spoke incessantly about living together and marriage. I am 45, divorced with two kids. He is 54, divorced twice with two older children. He said he had never dated anyone like me and both his family and friends said that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. 9 months into the relationship, we had one rocky week where we were fighting about minor things. He told me he needed a break and ignored my attempts to communicate until 2 weeks later. His text said “ this relationship does not work for me. I tried my best but I just can’t do this. I’m sorry. I don’t want to talk”. That was 4 months ago. I tried to reach out to him twice since and have got no response. Being ignored and “dismissed” is emotional abuse and the worst thing I have been through romantically. Looking back, there were signs of his avoidant nature. He told me over and over again that he needed no one, he lacked empathy and when any type of argument arose, he ran away and gave me the silent treatment for days. I am secure and as hard as it is to remain no contact, I know I need more than he could give. Unfortunately, I do not see him ever trying to work thru his issues so, for me and my children’s well-being, I had to let go. Perhaps if I knew about attachment theory while dating him, I would have been better equipped to understand and relate to him. I love him to this day but know that I cannot help him if he doesn’t want my help. I am thinking of you |
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 9, 2019 3:03:06 GMT
I think my ex is fa from what you're saying. Very anxious and insecure, definitely does not have his shit together but seems to become da in certain situations. - If he’s both avoidant and anxious then he’s likely FA. DA’s don’t show their anxiety. They are opposite ends of the AP. Where I like closeness, my DA pulls away. Space triggers me. Intimacy triggers him. His reaction to that overwhelming feeling is to shut down. So, the DA feels distrustful and they self-preserve. FA will demonstrate more anxious behavior at times. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2019 5:22:55 GMT
I agree with you wholeheartedly! I dated a DA (or maybe an FA) casually for 2 months. We drifted apart but reconnected 9 months later. He came on strong. He bought me flowers frequently, expensive gifts. He had no problem integrating me with his family and friends, told me he loved me everyday after 3 months, gave me the key to his house, contacted me multiple times a day and spoke incessantly about living together and marriage. I am 45, divorced with two kids. He is 54, divorced twice with two older children. He said he had never dated anyone like me and both his family and friends said that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. 9 months into the relationship, we had one rocky week where we were fighting about minor things. He told me he needed a break and ignored my attempts to communicate until 2 weeks later. His text said “ this relationship does not work for me. I tried my best but I just can’t do this. I’m sorry. I don’t want to talk”. That was 4 months ago. I tried to reach out to him twice since and have got no response. Being ignored and “dismissed” is emotional abuse and the worst thing I have been through romantically. Looking back, there were signs of his avoidant nature. He told me over and over again that he needed no one, he lacked empathy and when any type of argument arose, he ran away and gave me the silent treatment for days. I am secure and as hard as it is to remain no contact, I know I need more than he could give. Unfortunately, I do not see him ever trying to work thru his issues so, for me and my children’s well-being, I had to let go. Perhaps if I knew about attachment theory while dating him, I would have been better equipped to understand and relate to him. I love him to this day but know that I cannot help him if he doesn’t want my help. I am thinking of you I agree with faithopelove's assessment of DA and a lack of gray area. If a DA wants to work it out they will stay, and can have a lot of endurance actually. They may not be skilled, any more than the partner, but the DA I know persevere the best they can and are reluctant to leave a bond if they see possibility. That's just my own experience. But, if the trust or compatibility is problematic enough to trigger avoidance to the point of termination and extended absence, it's unlikely that a renewal is possible. There are exceptions, people are on a spectrum and not cookie cutter duplicates. I have dated an FA that I believe was on the cluster B spectrum, who behaved the way rae describes. Love bombing, fantastical rush and big dreams and then collapse. Extremely hot and cold. It was a roller coaster and way too intense for me, I ended it pretty promptly when I saw rapid shifts and lack of empathy or consistency. He would have continued with me as long as I allowed it but that kind of instability and inconsideration bordering on (no, ,maybe full on) cruelty rang all kinds of alarm bells for me. He was unstable. The DA I'm involved with and I have never been out of touch for more than a few days, since we first got involved. Our relationship has evolved so much over time, gone through phases of together and not together but we never stopped making effort and solving problems. It's been a continuous growth pattern, deepening and becoming more intimate over time. That is what any relationship should be ideally, not fits and starts and insurmountable difficulty. Emotional absence is an insurmountable difficulty. Without emotional presence and investment there is no relationship, only a placeholder, not even a good substitute. Any individual of any attachment type is capable of working on a healthy relationship if they are aware and working on their own internal obstacles. No individual of any attachment type is capable of working on a healthy relationship if they are not. Any person trying to get oranges from an apple tree might be viewed as unreasonable. I feel the same about any person trying to get healthy behavior from an unaware, insecurely attached individual. It's not reasonable, and casts doubt on the emotional health and maturity of the expectant partner. Just my opinion. |
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 10, 2019 15:54:41 GMT
A lot of what you said has actually helped me @sherry
My situation is a little different to the other posters...my ex and I lived together, were together for four years, had a dog, plans, etc. He was very loving up until the moment he broke up with me and the end seemed very sudden and rushed...and now he stops talking to me if I go anything beyond chit chat or practical arrangements. As someone who tends towards ap I really struggle with that and I guess I'd like to understand his perspective on it beyond his responses of 'I dont want to talk about it.'
I suppose though that my need to reconcile/get answers/be friends is just part of my own anxieties.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2019 13:09:36 GMT
A lot of what you said has actually helped me @sherry My situation is a little different to the other posters...my ex and I lived together, were together for four years, had a dog, plans, etc. He was very loving up until the moment he broke up with me and the end seemed very sudden and rushed...and now he stops talking to me if I go anything beyond chit chat or practical arrangements. As someone who tends towards ap I really struggle with that and I guess I'd like to understand his perspective on it beyond his responses of 'I dont want to talk about it.' I suppose though that my need to reconcile/get answers/be friends is just part of my own anxieties. I think anyone would struggle with that though. That kind of collapse is mind bending! I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I think the need to make sense of it is natural. But the sense-making has to be insightful and not a perpetuation of attachment trauma and bad messaging about yourself and others- Therapy and support is really important to be able to recover I think. |
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it's a blessing when we realise we can work on things and that there is a bright future ahead after it.
