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Post by happyidiot on Jul 7, 2019 0:52:20 GMT
I am more FA but I can lean heavily towards AP, and I see this as an AP thought so I'm posting it in this section.
I don't know what to do about how I feel quite upset when I think my boyfriend is masturbating. I don't recall caring or thinking much about it with past partners (unless they were, say, texting me while we were apart to say they were masturbating while thinking about me, which I liked). I wish I just wasn't aware of his masturbating! It upsets me for 3 main reasons. One is because I think he does it while I am there in the next room, and I cannot comprehend why he wouldn't have sex with me instead, so I feel rejected. Another reason is that as far as I understand (based on some things he's said), I think he masturbates more often than we have sex, and I wish we had sex more often than we do. And the third is because it's pretty obvious to me when it happens–if I were oblivious it wouldn't matter. Things like acting weird and closing the bathroom door to spend over an hour in the shower.
I just got wracked with anxiety because I realized that his phone is completely waterproof and he takes it in the bathroom with him, and then I started to think about the possibility that he actually looks at porn while he's masturbating in the shower. I preferred to imagine him looking at nothing and thinking about no one (or, better yet, me) while doing it.
I am trying to work on my self-confidence and improve my body. I think maybe if I feel better about myself physically I might not feel as threatened by the idea of being compared to a young perfect-looking pornstar, wondering if he is more turned on by them than me. And that, even more importantly, if he rejects me for sex but I feel good about myself and think I look hot I might feel less worried that it's because he's not attracted to me anymore. But this is a slow process and I need to figure out what else to do in the meantime.
I tried Googling how to get over these feelings and a lot of the responses on other sites are in the vein of, "Don't take it personally, men just have a much higher sex drive than women so they need to supplement sex with masturbation," which only made me feel worse because I am the one who wants more frequent sex in my relationship.
Can anyone relate? Any advice?
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 7, 2019 4:07:33 GMT
I’ve never had this issue personally but if my partner’s masturbation was taking the place of or limiting our physical intimacy together than I’d definitely have a problem with it. The act of sex should bring a couple closer together, plus your partner should also care about meeting your sexual needs, so yes, I would view this as a concern if masturbation was negatively affecting our intimacy. Advice? I’d bring your concerns to him and hope he’d want to increase your intimacy. This could lead to other issues, potentially, if not addressed.
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 7, 2019 4:38:51 GMT
I’ve never had this issue personally but if my partner’s masturbation was taking the place of or limiting our physical intimacy together than I’d definitely have a problem with it. The act of sex should bring a couple closer together, plus your partner should also care about meeting your sexual needs, so yes, I would view this as a concern if masturbation was negatively affecting our intimacy. Advice? I’d bring your concerns to him and hope he’d want to increase your intimacy. This could lead to other issues, potentially, if not addressed. I don't have any real reason to think that it is necessarily taking the place of or limiting or negatively affecting our physical intimacy together. As far as I know he sees masturbation and sex with a partner as separate things. I guess the real issue here is that I wish we were having sex every day and that he was acting like I was irresistibly sexy, and if those things were happening then I doubt that him masturbating would feel as hurtful and rejecting to me. I don't think he's rejecting me because he masturbated that day, it's just hard for me not to get triggered anxious when I am sitting there and believe that he is doing that a wall away from me when we haven't even had sex in a couple days. I cannot imagine a way to possibly bring this up to him in a useful way. When previously I merely tried to bring up my concerns about the frequency of our sex it did NOT go over well. I think I have made a lot of progress in dealing with my anxieties over that, but I find it's still coming up when I think about him masturbating. All sorts of thoughts start to go through my head, like even wondering if he might be avoidant (I have a fear of my partners turning out to be avoidant and stopping having sex with me or dumping me). I think my issue with him masturbating is my issue and something I should work on getting over rather than telling him about. I definitely don't think he'll start initiating sex more if I tell him it freaks me out every time I think he's jerking off in the shower.
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 7, 2019 6:09:40 GMT
I’ve never had this issue personally but if my partner’s masturbation was taking the place of or limiting our physical intimacy together than I’d definitely have a problem with it. The act of sex should bring a couple closer together, plus your partner should also care about meeting your sexual needs, so yes, I would view this as a concern if masturbation was negatively affecting our intimacy. Advice? I’d bring your concerns to him and hope he’d want to increase your intimacy. This could lead to other issues, potentially, if not addressed. I don't have any real reason to think that it is necessarily taking the place of or limiting or negatively affecting our physical intimacy together. As far as I know he sees masturbation and sex with a partner as separate things. I guess the real issue here is that I wish we were having sex every day and that he was acting like I was irresistibly sexy, and if those things were happening then I doubt that him masturbating would feel as hurtful and rejecting to me. I don't think he's rejecting me because he masturbated that day, it's just hard for me not to get triggered anxious when I am sitting there and believe that he is doing that a wall away from me when we haven't even had sex in a couple days. I cannot imagine a way to possibly bring this up to him in a useful way. When previously I merely tried to bring up my concerns about the frequency of our sex it did NOT go over well. I think I have made a lot of progress in dealing with my anxieties over that, but I find it's still coming up when I think about him masturbating. All sorts of thoughts start to go through my head, like even wondering if he might be avoidant (I have a fear of my partners turning out to be avoidant and stopping having sex with me or dumping me). I think my issue with him masturbating is my issue and something I should work on getting over rather than telling him about. I definitely don't think he'll start initiating sex more if I tell him it freaks me out every time I think he's jerking off in the shower. Lol to your last sentence...well, if your sex life has declined, I’d see it as a justified concern. I don’t think it’s being anxious if your partner would rather masturbate, and does so frequently, rather than be with you. Like I said, this could lead to other issues. Any time sex is on the decline, and if communication is too, that’s not a good sign. Can you plan regular date nights- if you haven’t already? Try to spark the romance?
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Post by anne12 on Jul 7, 2019 7:54:14 GMT
How often do You see eachother ? Does He do IT every time That You are together ? When / why does shower ? How can You know That He uses his phone in the shower ? For how Long have You been together ? Can You use the watertank exercise to regulate yourself so That You do not Get into a loop of jealousy whirlwind ? For some People IT is possible to stop themselves getting activated if they use the exercise as Soon as a hint of jealousy kicks in, so That they are able to think more rational. Is IT possible That He uses IT as a go to stress release ressource ? If so how would You feel if He used You as a stress release ressource instead ? Sex every Day - doos he have the same need asYou ? Do You on the unconcious level think That He is unfaithfull to You ? Are You able to have a Bodily orgasme or only a clitoris orgasme ? (Ambivalent attatched and maybe also disorganised attatched have a tendency to only being able to have clitoris orgasms.) Porn is a delicate topic for a Lot of women around the World, so You are not alone.
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 7, 2019 8:09:22 GMT
I'd maybe put the masterbating thing to one side as, like you say, masterbating and sex can be two separate things, and focus on the sex. Try to have an open conversation where you explain you'd like to have sex more often and think about some ideas together for how to get a spark back into your sex life.
People masterbate for all kinds of reasons, stress releif, habit, etc. I think focus on your sex life first.
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 7, 2019 8:33:39 GMT
anne12 How often do You see eachother ?Almost every day. Does He do IT every time That You are together ?Masturbate? I have no idea. I suspect he might be doing it every day. For how Long have You been together ?Less than a year. (I'm being purposely vague as I don't like to publicly post possibly identifying clues) Can You use the watertank exercise to regulate yourself ?I will give it a try. Is IT possible That He uses IT as a go to stress release ressource ? If so how would You feel if He used You as a stress release ressource instead ?Yes, I think he does. I would feel much better if he used me as a stress release resource instead. I would happily even just pleasure him sometimes without him even having to do anything. Sex every Day - doos he have the same need asYou ?No, he doesn't seem to care how often it is. Do You on the unconcious level think That He is unfaithfull to You ?No. I know he isn't. But I think I fear that if our sex life isn't good enough he might eventually cheat someday. Are You able to have a Bodily orgasme or only a clitoris orgasme ? (Ambivalent attatched and maybe also disorganised attatched have a tendency to only being able to have clitoris orgasms.)I'm not sure what you mean. Can you explain more?
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 7, 2019 8:56:22 GMT
Lol to your last sentence...well, if your sex life has declined, I’d see it as a justified concern. I don’t think it’s being anxious if your partner would rather masturbate, and does so frequently, rather than be with you. Like I said, this could lead to other issues. Any time sex is on the decline, and if communication is too, that’s not a good sign. Can you plan regular date nights- if you haven’t already? Try to spark the romance? I don't think it's reasonable or normal for me to be nauseous with anxiety and jealousy over it. It's not like some calm secure thought like, "Hmm, what's that about, I wonder if we need to work on something?" it's a very anxious feeling. And also I do think it's possibly an AP thing to be convinced that he is doing it as frequently as I think, what if that's just my suspicion, and to be assuming he would "rather" be doing it than being with me. He hasn't said that. Going on dates is a very good idea. It's just so easy to get complacent and just work and eat and watch TV and repeat. I'd maybe put the masterbating thing to one side as, like you say, masterbating and sex can be two separate things, and focus on the sex. Try to have an open conversation where you explain you'd like to have sex more often and think about some ideas together for how to get a spark back into your sex life. People masterbate for all kinds of reasons, stress releif, habit, etc. I think focus on your sex life first. Yeah, I think that trying to work on feeling more satisfied with our sex life and more sexy and confident is the answer rather than trying to change anything about him masturbating or talk to him about his masturbation. But I'm not convinced that talking about how I want more sex and more compliments is the way to go about it. Maybe I need to get it into my head that he might view and value masturbation differently than I do and perhaps it's more of a habitual thing? I would never ever masturbate when I could be having sex with him instead, so it's hard for me to wrap my head around this.
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Post by anne12 on Jul 7, 2019 9:04:33 GMT
So You rather would like him to use You as a stress release - do You know why ?
The desorganised can also use sex to Regulate their nerveus system. Do You think That Thats why You want to have sex every Day ? Do You think That You could use more selfregulation through the Day? Do You confuse sex with love ?
When we are more secure - for women an orgasm can feel more like a full Body experience where You are able to open yourself Up and feel an expansion in the Body not only by being touched and stimulated on the clitoris ... But The result is not just a bodily satisfaction and relaxation, but a joy, enrichment and greater balance both physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually in both. Whether you have an orgasm - orgasm in the genitals - or not.
Loving this way requires, that both are able to be present in the present moment and are able to be in the body - and not in their mind or in their imagination/fantasy.
Its like your whole Body and your whole system says yes and "aaaaahhhh".. and opens Up as a flower maybe ..
How often does He want to have sex ? Is He over the honeymoon fase ? What about You ?
Maybe You can use this This is from the healing ambivalent thread ? The preocuppied ambivalent and sex - do you use sex as comfort ?:
Confusing Sex and Love:: Often, individuals with Ambivalent/Anxious Attachment adaptation crave true intimacy but use sex as a means to feel loved. During adolescence, this may present as a promiscuous teen searching for Secure Attachment lacking in their childhood and caregiver relationships. The desperate need to feel constantly reassured and validated, even through false means, can temporarily provide reassurance, but may quickly fade once they are separated from their sexual partner, generating even more anxiety than before." (Diane Poole Heller)
A sextherapist/therapist says: If you use sex to feel desired and appreciated, you use sex as comfort. The dominant feelings are not lust and love, but anxiety, nervousness and the fear of being abandoned. So your primary wish is not pleasure, but security and confirmation. Sex is only a way to get this. When you use sex as comfort, it has negative consequences, which in time can destroy both your sex and love life.
The classic example: The woman who exchanges sex for love. In my work as a sexologist and a therapist, I often meet couples where the woman feels the pressure to have sex for the sake of the husband. She lacks love and attention, but the only way she can awaken the man's interest is to agree to sex. On the other hand, the man is hard at showing soreness and emotion. For him, sex is the place he's easiest to open. Both the woman and the man therefore use sex to achieve something else. The basic problem: Insecure attachment It all starts with lack of confidence in the relationship. If you are basically angry with your attatchment pattern, you doubt your partner and your relationship. You are unsure whether you can rely on your partner's love, interest and attention. The more unsafe your pattern is, the more you doubt.
If your connection pattern is nervous, you are worried about small signs of problems in the relationship. Your automated response is to reach out for your partner to make contact and confirm. Here, sex can be a way of getting attention and love.
If you only experience peace of mind in connection with sex, sex becomes obsessive. For example, if you've been scolding with your partner, you can push yourself to sex to create emotional contact and clean the air ("reconciliation"). Sex is no longer a source of joy, pleasure and love, but a way to conceal anxiety and nervousness. Forced sex destroys the desire for physical intimacy, because sex and concern do not harmonize with each other. And when sex life suffers, it goes beyond the relationship. Captive sex does not create emotional intimacy. Although there are lots of strong emotions involved in the sexual act, there is no real closeness and thus the relationship also loses one of its most important sources of cohesion, which of course has negative consequences.
Do you use sex as comfort? Perhaps you use sex as comfort without knowing it. Sex life can easily be experienced intensely and well, though it is not really driven by desire and love. Perhaps you do not know other ways of having sex and do not think it's a problem? Or maybe you've just forgotten how it feels like having sex because you really really want to?
If in doubt, consider what you long for: Sex, loving touches or something completely third?
How to get a sex life based on enjoyment; The best recipe for a sex life cleaned for comfort is to create peace of mind in your relationship. Confidence means that you dare to ask for what you really want, ie. You dare to say no to sex, and instead ask for a hug and get around. Adding a safe behavior pattern is a big thing that requires hard work, but the reward is similarly high. You become comfortable, when you find, that your partner wants you and that you are emotionally connected. When you feel connected, you are safe and you dare to be vulnerable and ask to get your needs met. The most important ways to create emotional connection are to be emotionally accessible to each other and to prioritize deep conversations.
While working on learning a safe behavior pattern, try to change your sexual habits. For example, you can start by giving priority to loving physical touch every day, ie. hold hands, hug, lie close on the sofa, etc. In this way you will find that you can get the most without first offering sex. It may even be a good idea to completely avoid sex for a period of time, so you do not fall back in a negative pattern.
You can read more about sex as comfort in Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight.
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 7, 2019 9:42:48 GMT
I mean for me, masterbating is almost part of my self care. It relaxes me, even cheers me up, and I think there are a lot of messages around at the minute about masterbating being empowering for women and part of our self discovery...why not the same for men?
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 7, 2019 11:26:53 GMT
Perhaps it is not about sex at all....I find that when my reaction to a situation is more then what would be reasonably allowed...it is not the situation. Perhaps look deeper or look backwards....see if his choice to master bate brings up any wounds of abandonment, rejection etc. For me...a lot of my more paranoid, fearful reactions stem from unresolved tapes from my parents divorce.
If you do plan to talk to him...start with a positive....I love the way I feel when we are making love. It really relaxes me and I feel a closer bond to you. I have noticed recently that we are not making love as often as we did in the past and I would like to understand from you what, if any barriers you see to that.
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Post by lovebunny on Jul 7, 2019 13:05:46 GMT
I dated a guy years ago whose level of masturbation became a problem for me, because he could never orgasm with me, he could only get there with his own hand. I felt insulted, and as though he never really let himself be vulnerable with me. Before long, I couldn't come with him, either, out of self consciousness. We researched it, and it's a thing: some guys jerk off with such a firm grip, they become desensitized to softer touches. The female equivalent would be a woman who only gets off with a vibrator, she has become desensitized to slower stimulation.
I ended the relationship for other reasons as well as that one. I totally get why your lover masturbating when you're right there and when you'd like more sex would be frustrating. But I agree with other posters that probably best to separate the two. You want more sex, love, and connection with your partner seems to be the bottom line. If you felt fulfilled in that way, you might not feel jealous at all of his "alone time."
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hannah
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by hannah on Jul 7, 2019 22:14:21 GMT
That's funny, I have been on both ends of this situation at the same time: I was jealous when my ex-bf watched porn while I mostly masturbate almost everyday About feeling jealous, yes, I think it's all about self-confidence, I don't feel this way anymore on my relationships since I feel better with myself but yeah, it's a long way. Someone said "your partner should care about meeting your sexual needs", I don't think so... Sex is really a sensitive topic, we need to pay attention to the consent and if a partner doesn't feel like having more sex I don't see how we could change that. Of course we can always talk about our needs but not in a demanding way, if it makes any sense... Can you find others ways to feel more satisfied about your sex life ? I mean... I don't have monogamous relationships anymore what gives me others options but I know it's not an option to most people, so maybe thinking about what needs exactly do you have (is that a need of tenderness, is that a need of intimacy, or to feel beautiful...) and if he (or yourself or someone else or a sextoy or an activity, I don't know, it depends of yours needs, many possibilities) can satisfy you in another way. About the need of mastubating a lot, for me it's not about sex (wich for me = intimacy with another human being), it's about stress relief quickly most of the time. Maybe a bit of avoidance also, since I stress a lot when having sex so orgasme is less hard alone... Ah and, yeah, I answer that assuming he's masturbating a lot but I would question these beliefs as well : is that true ? why do you create all this narrative ? why to spent energy on this instead of enjoying your own life ? etc.
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 8, 2019 1:21:21 GMT
Thanks for the replies everyone! I'm going to be away for a few days so might not have time to reply til after that, but please know it's much appreciated!
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Post by toorational on Jul 8, 2019 19:35:45 GMT
I guess the real issue here is that I wish we were having sex every day and that he was acting like I was irresistibly sexy, and if those things were happening then I doubt that him masturbating would feel as hurtful and rejecting to me. I can totally understand why you feel that way about the situation. Unmatched sex drive is not fun. I happen to think that my gf is irresistibly sexy and she turns me on constantly. She dresses sexy and likes to turn me on too. But our sex drives don't match. I'd like sex about every 2nd day (or more on weekends) but I often get turned down. She's often not in the mood and is fine with 1-2 times a week. It's hard to take as an AP because we had sex 4-5 times a week during our first year and my sex drive has not decreased at all. It's higher than ever. But as a DA, she doesn't like to feel "pressured" to have sex. I woke up with a hard on the other day because I had dreamt about her and I let her know about it, but it didn't lead anywhere I think it's normal to feel how you feel, AP or not. As a guy, I don't understand how another guy would prefer masturbation over a nice bj as you suggested. Perhaps next time that you suspect that he's masturbating, propose a bj instead with no strings attached? Maybe propose to introduce some kinks into your sex life? Good luck.
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