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Post by happyidiot on Jul 11, 2019 7:19:05 GMT
Thanks so much again for your long thoughtful response, anne12 So You rather would like him to use You as a stress release - do You know why ?Because, among other reasons, it would show me that he turns to me in times of stress rather than shutting me out. I think it is harmful for relationships when someone copes with their stress in ways that shut their partner out. When he is stressed he can't even take the comfort I offer, let alone respond to my needs. If he came to me it would increase our closeness, instead of being the wall between us it is when he chooses to distract himself from his stress by either literally shutting himself away for an hour+ while he presumably masturbates, or watching tv/scrolling the internet, etc. It hurts when he has such an internalized focus. I feel unseen and useless and like I shouldn't even be there. If he instead chose to turn to me to help with his stress, whether through sexual release or otherwise, it would connect us intimately and also help relieve MY stress. When he pulls away from my touch like the physical connection will be demanding rather than pleasurable, it hurts so much. The desorganised can also use sex to Regulate their nerveus system. Do You think That Thats why You want to have sex every Day ?I think it's one of many reasons. I feel much better mentally/physically if I am having frequent sex with my partner. But I don't want sex with just anyone. Do You think That You could use more selfregulation through the Day?Sure, but I might as well just turn full DA if I can't rely on my partner for these things and I just meet all my needs myself. Do You confuse sex with love ?I'm not sure. I feel emotionally disconnected from my partner when he haven't had sex in a few days. I can feel unloved when my partner is not interested in having sex with me. Or even if I still believe he loves me in a way, I don't want just platonic love! What is the point of being in a romantic relationship then? I want him to have strong consistent sexual and romantic feelings for me. Not just the kind of love one has for friends or family. I remember I had another relationship that had GREAT sex and I never thought I loved that guy or that he loved me, so I don't know if it's exactly that I think sex equals love. And in answer to your previous question about full body orgasms, yes I usually can have them. Once in a while I have some kind of avoidant issue where I can't, but that's uncommon. How often does He want to have sex ? Is He over the honeymoon fase ? What about You ?
It seems to be about once, sometimes twice, a week lately. It was WAY more at the beginning. Yeah, I think the honeymoon is over for us both. "The desperate need to feel constantly reassured and validated, even through false means, can temporarily provide reassurance, but may quickly fade once they are separated from their sexual partner, generating even more anxiety than before." (Diane Poole Heller)Who decides what are "false" means of reassurance and what are "true" means though? Yes, I felt great when we were having tons of sex. Now when it is taken away I feel more anxiety than when I was single.
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 11, 2019 7:59:54 GMT
I mean for me, masterbating is almost part of my self care. It relaxes me, even cheers me up, and I think there are a lot of messages around at the minute about masterbating being empowering for women and part of our self discovery...why not the same for men? It's not that I think men shouldn't masturbate, I just don't understand why he would choose to masturbate when I am right there wishing for sexual contact, and that hurts me. I would never do that. Never. The only time I ever masturbate when he's around is lately when he is clearly not at all interested, and I think well if ya can't beat 'em join 'em, maybe it will help me feel less frustrated with him if I go release some stress. I have yet to decide if this is a good tactic or not. I do think there may be a bit of a difference between people who have penises and people who have vaginas though, in that they operate differently and have different refractory periods and their brains tend to work a bit differently as well. I wonder if masturbating can decrease interest in sex for someone with a penis more so than it does for someone with a vagina? That's funny, I have been on both ends of this situation at the same time: I was jealous when my ex-bf watched porn while I mostly masturbate almost everyday About feeling jealous, yes, I think it's all about self-confidence, I don't feel this way anymore on my relationships since I feel better with myself but yeah, it's a long way. Someone said "your partner should care about meeting your sexual needs", I don't think so... Sex is really a sensitive topic, we need to pay attention to the consent and if a partner doesn't feel like having more sex I don't see how we could change that. Of course we can always talk about our needs but not in a demanding way, if it makes any sense... Can you find others ways to feel more satisfied about your sex life ? I mean... I don't have monogamous relationships anymore what gives me others options but I know it's not an option to most people, so maybe thinking about what needs exactly do you have (is that a need of tenderness, is that a need of intimacy, or to feel beautiful...) and if he (or yourself or someone else or a sextoy or an activity, I don't know, it depends of yours needs, many possibilities) can satisfy you in another way. About the need of mastubating a lot, for me it's not about sex (wich for me = intimacy with another human being), it's about stress relief quickly most of the time. Maybe a bit of avoidance also, since I stress a lot when having sex so orgasme is less hard alone... Ah and, yeah, I answer that assuming he's masturbating a lot but I would question these beliefs as well : is that true ? why do you create all this narrative ? why to spent energy on this instead of enjoying your own life ? etc. I dunno, I might have some views that are possibly "unpopular opinions" when it comes to sex. I think you SHOULD care about meeting your partner's sexual needs. When in a serious relationship, I don't think we should solely have sex when we are naturally super horny and craving sex, and never even try to get in the mood to have sex when we aren't automatically in the mood, and only have sex when it's "spontaneous" and an alignment of both people feeling uncontrollable horniness for each other at the exact same moment. I don't think people have good fulfilling long-term relationships that way. This does not equate to saying it's ok for your partner to pressure you into sex. What I'm saying is that I think when you love someone you should want to connect with them and attempt to meet their needs in that way, not that they should insist upon it. Sex serves many purposes, even from an evolutionary standpoint, aside from just satiating the base instinct to procreate. The only times I have ever wanted less sex than a romantic partner it meant something was wrong. Now perhaps there are some people who "just want less sex" or are perfectly happy not having much/any sex with their partner, but I would say that there IS still something very wrong in that case if it's unequal and one partner is desperately posting on Dead Bedrooms forums whilst the other doesn't seem to care at all that they are completely not meeting their partners needs and making them feel rejected and hideous. You make a good point about considering what needs I have that sex would fulfill and other ways I can fulfill them. There are quite a few of them and I have some ideas. As I mentioned above, I do have a fear that if I just turn to myself and other things for all these needs then what do I need my partner for, I might as well turn full DA. At least this is where my brain is going right now. Is it true that he masturbates as much as I think he does? Who knows! I'm not going to ask him to clarify if I've got it right. I don't think I actually want to know.
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 11, 2019 8:20:52 GMT
Perhaps it is not about sex at all....I find that when my reaction to a situation is more then what would be reasonably allowed...it is not the situation. Perhaps look deeper or look backwards....see if his choice to master bate brings up any wounds of abandonment, rejection etc. For me...a lot of my more paranoid, fearful reactions stem from unresolved tapes from my parents divorce. If you do plan to talk to him...start with a positive....I love the way I feel when we are making love. It really relaxes me and I feel a closer bond to you. I have noticed recently that we are not making love as often as we did in the past and I would like to understand from you what, if any barriers you see to that. For sure it brings up old feelings of rejection and abandonment. That is a very good way of wording it, if I decide to talk to him about sex again. I would have to do it at the right time too. I think one of the reasons I'm dwelling on this issue so much might be that it's become something that I feel like I can't talk to him about. One thing I loved about our relationship is that I felt able to talk about my feelings and needs without feeling scared of pushing him away, and now this has become a thing I am scared to talk to him about. I am feeling triggered anxious and alarm bells are ringing in my head saying, "SOMETHING HAS CHANGED! SOMETHING IS WRONG! HE'S PULLING AWAY!" (and not meaning just about this sex thing) and that means I have to stifle myself. I dated a guy years ago whose level of masturbation became a problem for me, because he could never orgasm with me, he could only get there with his own hand. I felt insulted, and as though he never really let himself be vulnerable with me. Before long, I couldn't come with him, either, out of self consciousness. We researched it, and it's a thing: some guys jerk off with such a firm grip, they become desensitized to softer touches. The female equivalent would be a woman who only gets off with a vibrator, she has become desensitized to slower stimulation. I ended the relationship for other reasons as well as that one. I totally get why your lover masturbating when you're right there and when you'd like more sex would be frustrating. But I agree with other posters that probably best to separate the two. You want more sex, love, and connection with your partner seems to be the bottom line. If you felt fulfilled in that way, you might not feel jealous at all of his "alone time." Thank you. I would have felt the same way as you in that situation too. And like you, I am shutting down my own sexuality, maybe it's something I now feel shame about. I guess the real issue here is that I wish we were having sex every day and that he was acting like I was irresistibly sexy, and if those things were happening then I doubt that him masturbating would feel as hurtful and rejecting to me. I can totally understand why you feel that way about the situation. Unmatched sex drive is not fun. I happen to think that my gf is irresistibly sexy and she turns me on constantly. She dresses sexy and likes to turn me on too. But our sex drives don't match. I'd like sex about every 2nd day (or more on weekends) but I often get turned down. She's often not in the mood and is fine with 1-2 times a week. It's hard to take as an AP because we had sex 4-5 times a week during our first year and my sex drive has not decreased at all. It's higher than ever. But as a DA, she doesn't like to feel "pressured" to have sex. I woke up with a hard on the other day because I had dreamt about her and I let her know about it, but it didn't lead anywhere I think it's normal to feel how you feel, AP or not. As a guy, I don't understand how another guy would prefer masturbation over a nice bj as you suggested. Perhaps next time that you suspect that he's masturbating, propose a bj instead with no strings attached? Maybe propose to introduce some kinks into your sex life? Good luck. Thanks. And sorry to hear about your situation. How do you cope with it? Hmm, how would I propose a BJ? Knock on the door loudly, "Pardon me, I suspect you are pleasuring yourself in there and was wondering if I could assist you?" And then I would simply die inside if I got rejected.
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Post by anne12 on Jul 11, 2019 8:27:15 GMT
Some men Jerks off or uses their partner as a stress relief when they are stressed. But Many men havent learned to talk about what's bothering Them. Maybe You can invite him to talk ?
IT could Be, that He dosent like to use You as his ejakulation stress container ?
IT is also natural to have some alone time pampering yourself in a sexual way ect. even when You are in a relationship. Also not haveing to think about the other person when You are enjoying yourself. How would You feel if he just went a had sex with You, and when he was done, he dident talk to you, because He got his stress realeased, so that he dident needed to talk about IT - and You still wouldent know what was bothering him ?
Men and Woman also Work differently. When something is wrong men likes to solve their problems on their own, and when they have found a solution, they talk.
While Woman likes to talk their way through to find a solution.
Most men need to be a little by themselves when they come home from work ect. - it is the man's way of digesting the day and adjusting to now he is a new place with other demands. It is also a way of landing in his body, it can be in front of the television and zap around, on the computer. Best if he can meditate a little or do something bodily, go for a run, do gardening work ect.
Sounds like IT could be good thing to talk to him when You are more regulated - not just withdraw without talkning... Do not do the typical shut down responce "i dont care and IT dosent even matter anyway"...
Otherwice You can walk around and Get more and more frustruated inside of You. You can Write down what it is That is triggering You, what You would like to commuicate ect.
(People normally dont have sex once or twice a week with their family and friends ...)
And yes - IT is "easier" to Be alone - But then You are not getting challengend and You are not getting any sex in a regular basis ect. and get all the benefits of being in a relationship.
You can talk about how often each of You normally have sex in a Long term relationship ? Also You can talk about how each of You sees porn-ect.
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Post by anne12 on Jul 11, 2019 9:29:54 GMT
Sex and how often could Be a dealbreaker if IT is That important to You - only You can know That
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2019 10:48:03 GMT
I have had this situation with a man who turned out to be highly addictive. He was intimacy averse and preferred solo to tandem, after the honeymoon period. I don't have an addictive personality and he had his on pause when we met also- but after we ended he spiraled out of control and is still on substances to a detrimental degree - decades later. He was hiding porn, lots of solo stuff. I wonder what's the deal with your situation though, as this is not the only way he seems to split off from you? I just remember you writing somewhere (I think) that you didn't feel he would compromise over decor or other things, and you hinted at feeling controlled or something. Is there a deeper dynamic at play? I'm just putting it out there, I think it can be very tough to see, "Is it just me, or is there something amiss here?"
I'm sorry you're going through it.
Do you two play and feel like friends outside the bedroom? Beyond emotional sharing and whatnot- do you recreate together? Have fun? My partner and I seem to feel like besties in bed being naughty together lol. Can you introduce an element of fun? Just throwing it out there. Maybe if you connect in fun in non sexual ways you could increase that sexually. Take the weight and import out of it, and have emphasis pleasure and fun.
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Post by toorational on Jul 11, 2019 15:58:33 GMT
Thanks. And sorry to hear about your situation. How do you cope with it? Hmm, how would I propose a BJ? Knock on the door loudly, "Pardon me, I suspect you are pleasuring yourself in there and was wondering if I could assist you?" And then I would simply die inside if I got rejected. Right now I'm coping with it with masturbation when we're not together (we only see each other 2-3 times a week). I'm trying to not take it personal when I make subtle advances in bed and get rejected. Pushing for it rarely works and turns her off even more. We talked about it and we agreed that I would let her initiate more so that she doesn't feel pressured at all. I can usually tell whether she's in the mood or not simply by the way she kisses me in bed. If I don't feel it I don't push it. She appreciates that. She prefers to do it in the morning so sometimes it pays off to be patient and she will initiate in the morning. Another option I tried once when I was especially horny and got rejected, was to tell her that I was too horny to go to sleep like that and that I needed to masturbate, but I would prefer to do it in front of her rather than go hide in the bathroom. After I got started, she got horny after all and we ended up having our first mutual masturbation together and that was quite hot. I'll try that again at some point. But my situation is kinda different. She doesn't masturbate instead of sex when I'm there. When we do have sex it's absolutely mind blowing and we both get quite powerful orgasms. It's quite puzzling to me why she wouldn't want sex every 2nd day like we used too, since it's so good. So obviously that gets me triggered but I'm learning to control it by simply realizing that it's normal to have different levels of libido. At least we have great sex when it happens. Still wish it was more frequent. As for the BJ proposition, I recognize that it's kinda tricky. I totally understand the fear of rejection. Not sure that I necessarily have a good suggestion for you. Perhaps instead of letting him know that you are frustrated by him doing that, maybe hint to him that it turns you on and that you'd like to see him masturbate and perhaps you could join in solo next time as well? Maybe let him just watch you masturbate if he's too uncomfortable to do it in front of you? If that option doesn't turn him on like crazy then I don't know what else to say. You probably just are not sexually compatible. Good luck.
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 11, 2019 20:19:04 GMT
Thanks. And sorry to hear about your situation. How do you cope with it? Hmm, how would I propose a BJ? Knock on the door loudly, "Pardon me, I suspect you are pleasuring yourself in there and was wondering if I could assist you?" And then I would simply die inside if I got rejected. Right now I'm coping with it with masturbation when we're not together (we only see each other 2-3 times a week). I'm trying to not take it personal when I make subtle advances in bed and get rejected. Pushing for it rarely works and turns her off even more. We talked about it and we agreed that I would let her initiate more so that she doesn't feel pressured at all. I can usually tell whether she's in the mood or not simply by the way she kisses me in bed. If I don't feel it I don't push it. She appreciates that. She prefers to do it in the morning so sometimes it pays off to be patient and she will initiate in the morning. Another option I tried once when I was especially horny and got rejected, was to tell her that I was too horny to go to sleep like that and that I needed to masturbate, but I would prefer to do it in front of her rather than go hide in the bathroom. After I got started, she got horny after all and we ended up having our first mutual masturbation together and that was quite hot. I'll try that again at some point. But my situation is kinda different. She doesn't masturbate instead of sex when I'm there. When we do have sex it's absolutely mind blowing and we both get quite powerful orgasms. It's quite puzzling to me why she wouldn't want sex every 2nd day like we used too, since it's so good. So obviously that gets me triggered but I'm learning to control it by simply realizing that it's normal to have different levels of libido. At least we have great sex when it happens. Still wish it was more frequent. As for the BJ proposition, I recognize that it's kinda tricky. I totally understand the fear of rejection. Not sure that I necessarily have a good suggestion for you. Perhaps instead of letting him know that you are frustrated by him doing that, maybe hint to him that it turns you on and that you'd like to see him masturbate and perhaps you could join in solo next time as well? Maybe let him just watch you masturbate if he's too uncomfortable to do it in front of you? If that option doesn't turn him on like crazy then I don't know what else to say. You probably just are not sexually compatible. Good luck. Good point, if I try to push or get my bf in the mood, it just makes things worse. I might try what you did and say I want to masturbate and see what happens! A bold idea. Every time my bf and I have sex it's mindblowing for both of us too (he says so), and it's also totally puzzling to me why he wouldn't want to do that more often. He used to want it very often, and when we had sex very often it was still amazing every time. He obviously still enjoys it a lot and it makes him feel great when we do it. Maybe it wouldn't make me feel better if we had sex more frequently but some of the time he seemed not very into it, although I have trouble even believing that would happen because I think that if he could just let go and sexual touching got started he would get into it. It might be extra complicated for me because I am a woman in a conventional heterosexual relationship and it's so socially ingrained in us that men always want sex and woman don’t. We're taught that this is natural. It's nowhere near as well-known or talked about that there are men (maybe even a lot of them?) who are less interested in sex or want less frequent sex than their female partners. Many men don't take it personally that their partner wants less sex than they do. They've been told by society that this is normal. What I was told from a very young age was that if a man doesn't want me in that way it's because I'm fat and ugly. As I got older I learned there were reasons other than just my physical desirability being lacking, it might mean my mental/emotional desirability is lacking: that they are mad at me, that they are cheating on me, that they're in love with someone else, or that they are bored of me and only excited by newness. I never heard any reason that was not about my value or their feelings towards me. Whereas men are told that women are simply not as sexual as them. That all the stars need to be aligned for a woman to be in the mood. But we're told that all you need to do for a man to be in the mood is mention sex or touch his penis. Maybe this social bias even shows a tiny bit in your previous post, where you said, "As a guy, I don't understand how another guy would prefer masturbation over a nice bj as you suggested." ? I read that couples who have differing desires when it comes to sexual frequency should compromise and have a goal that is somewhere in the middle. But my bf doesn't want to feel any obligation and just wants it to be spontaneous. This I also don't comprehend because to me, knowing that he wants me, even if sex wasn't at all on my mind, gets me in the mood. I love feeling wanted sexually by him. But when I want him sexually and it wasn't his idea it feels like a burden to him.
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 11, 2019 20:53:19 GMT
I have had this situation with a man who turned out to be highly addictive. He was intimacy averse and preferred solo to tandem, after the honeymoon period. I don't have an addictive personality and he had his on pause when we met also- but after we ended he spiraled out of control and is still on substances to a detrimental degree - decades later. He was hiding porn, lots of solo stuff. I wonder what's the deal with your situation though, as this is not the only way he seems to split off from you? I just remember you writing somewhere (I think) that you didn't feel he would compromise over decor or other things, and you hinted at feeling controlled or something. Is there a deeper dynamic at play? I'm just putting it out there, I think it can be very tough to see, "Is it just me, or is there something amiss here?" I'm sorry you're going through it. Do you two play and feel like friends outside the bedroom? Beyond emotional sharing and whatnot- do you recreate together? Have fun? My partner and I seem to feel like besties in bed being naughty together lol. Can you introduce an element of fun? Just throwing it out there. Maybe if you connect in fun in non sexual ways you could increase that sexually. Take the weight and import out of it, and have emphasis pleasure and fun. Thanks Sherry. Bear in mind that I only post about my issues and insecurities on the boards. I don't post about all the times I feel happy and secure in this relationship, or all the ways in which my boyfriend is wonderful. I think compared to many people my bf does not really have a tendency towards addictions. But maybe these are the coping mechanisms he learned, masturbating, watching tv and looking at the internet. Sounds like most people really. I don't really think we've been having enough fun (or novelty) outside the bedroom. That's a really good idea. Maybe I can think of some new activities for us to do together. I wish that responsibility didn't fall entirely on me though. I guess I could just ask him to help with that.
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 11, 2019 21:24:30 GMT
anne12 How would You feel if he just went a had sex with You, and when he was done, he dident talk to you, because He got his stress realeased, so that he dident needed to talk about IT - and You still wouldent know what was bothering him ?Much better than if he doesn't have sex with me and doesn't talk to me about what's bothering him. I guess I think sex would help him feel better. It makes me feel better. I wonder if maybe he doesn't want to feel vulnerable by letting me help with his stress. You can talk about how often each of You normally have sex in a Long term relationship ? Also You can talk about how each of You sees porn-ect.I can't talk to him about how often I've had sex in previous relationships, he doesn't want to think about that. I know a few things about the sexual situation in some of his previous relationships though. I do not want to talk to him about porn. I guarantee if we were honest we would both end up upset and it might be hard to move past it. I don't think you should necessarily tell your partner everything, I think some things in a relationship should stay private, and that in this particular relationship, porn interest/habits is one of them. I see it in the same category as describing in detail the sexual activities you had with with a past partner and how turned on you were and what your favorite things about their body were. Sure maybe some people might find that hot or feel neutral about it, but lots of people would find it hurtful. And imagine that past partner was something you could never be and those activities were things you could never do–and maybe even scared or disturbed you–AND imagine it wasn't actually in the past. I think I'm mourning the death of the "honeymoon." I wanted it to last forever. I want things back how they were.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2019 21:38:22 GMT
I have had this situation with a man who turned out to be highly addictive. He was intimacy averse and preferred solo to tandem, after the honeymoon period. I don't have an addictive personality and he had his on pause when we met also- but after we ended he spiraled out of control and is still on substances to a detrimental degree - decades later. He was hiding porn, lots of solo stuff. I wonder what's the deal with your situation though, as this is not the only way he seems to split off from you? I just remember you writing somewhere (I think) that you didn't feel he would compromise over decor or other things, and you hinted at feeling controlled or something. Is there a deeper dynamic at play? I'm just putting it out there, I think it can be very tough to see, "Is it just me, or is there something amiss here?" I'm sorry you're going through it. Do you two play and feel like friends outside the bedroom? Beyond emotional sharing and whatnot- do you recreate together? Have fun? My partner and I seem to feel like besties in bed being naughty together lol. Can you introduce an element of fun? Just throwing it out there. Maybe if you connect in fun in non sexual ways you could increase that sexually. Take the weight and import out of it, and have emphasis pleasure and fun. Thanks Sherry. Bear in mind that I only post about my issues and insecurities on the boards. I don't post about all the times I feel happy and secure in this relationship, or all the ways in which my boyfriend is wonderful. I think compared to many people my bf does not really have a tendency towards addictions. But maybe these are the coping mechanisms he learned, masturbating, watching tv and looking at the internet. Sounds like most people really. I don't really think we've been having enough fun (or novelty) outside the bedroom. That's a really good idea. Maybe I can think of some new activities for us to do together. I wish that responsibility didn't fall entirely on me though. I guess I could just ask him to help with that. That would be very cool if you can lighten up the heaviness that this brings. If you guys can really get to laughing together somehow- idk but for me that's the biggest aphrodisiac!! When I see my man laughing and hear that happiness in his voice I just need to consume him NOM NOM lol. I think it works the same way, for a lot of people. Am I wrong? It seems like it's very good bonding for couples to have real fun and feel the happiness of small things together. Or maybe thrills! Like rollercoasters or bungee jumping, idk. Something that reminds you you are alive, something that gets you in the moment together.
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Post by toorational on Jul 11, 2019 22:31:16 GMT
It might be extra complicated for me because I am a woman in a conventional heterosexual relationship and it's so socially ingrained in us that men always want sex and woman don’t. We're taught that this is natural. It's nowhere near as well-known or talked about that there are men (maybe even a lot of them?) who are less interested in sex or want less frequent sex than their female partners. Many men don't take it personally that their partner wants less sex than they do. They've been told by society that this is normal. What I was told from a very young age was that if a man doesn't want me in that way it's because I'm fat and ugly. As I got older I learned there were reasons other than just my physical desirability being lacking, it might mean my mental/emotional desirability is lacking: that they are mad at me, that they are cheating on me, that they're in love with someone else, or that they are bored of me and only excited by newness. I never heard any reason that was not about my value or their feelings towards me. Whereas men are told that women are simply not as sexual as them. That all the stars need to be aligned for a woman to be in the mood. But we're told that all you need to do for a man to be in the mood is mention sex or touch his penis. Maybe this social bias even shows a tiny bit in your previous post, where you said, "As a guy, I don't understand how another guy would prefer masturbation over a nice bj as you suggested." ? I read that couples who have differing desires when it comes to sexual frequency should compromise and have a goal that is somewhere in the middle. But my bf doesn't want to feel any obligation and just wants it to be spontaneous. This I also don't comprehend because to me, knowing that he wants me, even if sex wasn't at all on my mind, gets me in the mood. I love feeling wanted sexually by him. But when I want him sexually and it wasn't his idea it feels like a burden to him. Yep, you're right about that social bias. I think in general it's true but as your situation shows, the reverse is possible. I still think it's easier for women to entice men to have sex. Wearing sexy lingerie would have been a sure fire way to put me in the mood in my previous long term relationship, even though my libido (and hers) was at the end non existent. I was the guy with no libido (hardly ever masturbated anymore) and the social stigma attached to it was tough. In the end I realized that there was nothing wrong with me and nothing wrong with her. It was simply incompatibility in bed. We didn't have chemistry. The honeymoon had hidden that fact but I now realize that my ex was simply not my type (she's petite) even though she's quite attractive to other men. With my current girlfriend the honeymoon is over and we're kinda in the same boot. My libido is still very high (highest it's been in 20 years) but I guess her attraction for me is more variable than it used to. I can totally relate to how you feel, it's tough on the ego sometimes. But fortunately sometimes she's wildly horny for me and that makes up for all the times she's not. I'm interested to hear what others have to say as it's probably going to be helpful for me too. Let us know how the bold proposition works for you
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2019 2:36:25 GMT
I have had this situation with a man who turned out to be highly addictive. He was intimacy averse and preferred solo to tandem, after the honeymoon period. I don't have an addictive personality and he had his on pause when we met also- but after we ended he spiraled out of control and is still on substances to a detrimental degree - decades later. He was hiding porn, lots of solo stuff. I wonder what's the deal with your situation though, as this is not the only way he seems to split off from you? I just remember you writing somewhere (I think) that you didn't feel he would compromise over decor or other things, and you hinted at feeling controlled or something. Is there a deeper dynamic at play? I'm just putting it out there, I think it can be very tough to see, "Is it just me, or is there something amiss here?" I'm sorry you're going through it. Do you two play and feel like friends outside the bedroom? Beyond emotional sharing and whatnot- do you recreate together? Have fun? My partner and I seem to feel like besties in bed being naughty together lol. Can you introduce an element of fun? Just throwing it out there. Maybe if you connect in fun in non sexual ways you could increase that sexually. Take the weight and import out of it, and have emphasis pleasure and fun. Thanks Sherry. Bear in mind that I only post about my issues and insecurities on the boards. I don't post about all the times I feel happy and secure in this relationship, or all the ways in which my boyfriend is wonderful. I think compared to many people my bf does not really have a tendency towards addictions. But maybe these are the coping mechanisms he learned, masturbating, watching tv and looking at the internet. Sounds like most people really. I don't really think we've been having enough fun (or novelty) outside the bedroom. That's a really good idea. Maybe I can think of some new activities for us to do together. I wish that responsibility didn't fall entirely on me though. I guess I could just ask him to help with that.Oh, I definitely empathise with that. I have similar issues to that discussed here, sex and activities wise, and I have to be very careful about taking an overly active approach to solving the "problems". One thing is that it makes me take on all the responsibilities for monitoring and regulating the relationship - that should not be the case, and the other is that it develops this narrative of me having a problem all the time, being difficult to satisfy and being controlling, and that since I'm the only one who sees the problem, i can fix it myself. This really doesn't help the relationship when there's no shared responsibility nor a team spirit fostered towards protecting and improving the relationship. The way I approached this was to never associate these two topics together. They're two completely separate and independent conversations. For activities, I think we both notice that we always do the same thing in the same place since we met (OMG), and we wondered if that was a problem (yes it was for me, not so much for him). I talked about me wanting to expand my life for myself and having him be part of it, as well as doing things that allow us to create a more enriching and complex shared life together that is not so one dimensional and boring. I think it allows us to have fun, and build intimacy and trust in more diverse ways outside the bedroom, which takes the pressure off us having to use sex as a key mechanism to do that. So I suggested creating a dateboard (we use an app which we have shared access, my friends used google docs/notes/spreadsheets) where we throw ideas in for date activities. The shared access is important - it allows for both parties to participate, and that takes the pressure of you to do everything nor him to feel like he's helping you solve a problem. We'll see if that improves things.
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Post by mrob on Jul 12, 2019 16:03:10 GMT
I learned very early on with women (way before #metoo), that I was a sleazebag if I asked, intimated or in any other way showed a desire for sex. That becomes a problem if you’re a man, because you’re expected to always initiate. I can only describe this conundrum as really sad and totally disempowering.
Some times when she initiated, there was so much baggage attached to it that I would feel sick to the stomach, sad and angry that sex was being used as a vehicle for whatever agenda was going on. I don’t go near situations like that now. Just as well, because some aspects have never really worked the same since!
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 12, 2019 19:29:53 GMT
I learned very early on with women (way before #metoo), that I was a sleazebag if I asked, intimated or in any other way showed a desire for sex. That becomes a problem if you’re a man, because you’re expected to always initiate. I can only describe this conundrum as really sad and totally disempowering. Some times when she initiated, there was so much baggage attached to it that I would feel sick to the stomach, sad and angry that sex was being used as a vehicle for whatever agenda was going on. I don’t go near situations like that now. Just as well, because some aspects have never really worked the same since! mrob - Really? When I’m with a guy I like when they initiate and in my relationships the guy almost always did. One boyfriend I was living with totally lost interest in sex the last 6 months we were together before I left. This was different from what I’ve ever experienced and it made me feel undesirable and disconnected. Yes, I can see how if someone is initiating and there is an agenda attached that would feel bad and I’d probably withdraw. I’ve never had an issue though like the OP has.
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