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Post by happyidiot on Jul 20, 2019 0:27:24 GMT
happyidiot - Yes, sexual advances are more than welcome and appreciated by my partner, as stated before. They make me feel loved and desired. No one appreciates touch more than me. My love language is touch with only time as a much distant second. I am AP and most AP’s have touch as their primary love language. I wasn’t criticizing his advances just his expectations/neediness attached to them. If you think my words were harsh, I was trying to help a fellow AP out who is obviously here bc his relationship is struggling. I wanted to be clear and concise. Anxiety kills relationships. No one is more anxious than an AP. When I give advice, I’m not biased bc the poster is AP or avoidant. Open forum and my intention was to give toorational food for thought and from the POV of a self-aware AP. If you disagreed, you might want to give him advice you find helpful. I felt sherry's words were harsh and that she was criticizing his "advances" (if you want to call touching your partner's leg while seated at dinner an "advance"). You were sort of just backing her up and defending her. @sherry I have to dash out, I'll have to reply to you (and you too toorational ) at a later time. I totally don't mind differing opinions! No one ever needs to feel like they need to avoid my threads just because we disagreed on something or because I don't always like every single thing you say. Me voicing my opinion or telling you how you come across to me isn't an attempt to force you to agree with me. I'll reply properly later!
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 20, 2019 0:30:27 GMT
Guys, I appreciate everyone's inputs, even the harsh ones. Please agree to disagree To get back on the sex topic... I could share an experience I had two days ago. I had proposed to masturbate in front of your partner as a low-pressure alternative to sex in this thread. Well Wednesday night I spent the night over at my GF's place and my libido was through the roof because we had not had sex in one week. I could sense that she was not receptive that night, which is triggering as an AP, as this would never have happened during our first year honeymoon phase (I mean after a week without sex). So I made advances in bed but quickly realized that she wasn't in the mood. So I was very open about my high arousal and that I'd rather masturbate in front of her instead of going to hide somewhere. She laughed which made me a bit uncomfortable. But that's what I did. It didn't arouse her that night like the previous time I had done that. But the next morning when we woke up especially early, she initiated sex. So, I don't know if that's going to be a compromise going forward or not. It seems healthy to me, I'm expressing my needs openly and without shame, but also without relying on her to fulfill them. Wow, how did you feel when she didn't do anything while you masturbated?
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Post by toorational on Jul 20, 2019 1:52:18 GMT
Guys, I appreciate everyone's inputs, even the harsh ones. Please agree to disagree To get back on the sex topic... I could share an experience I had two days ago. I had proposed to masturbate in front of your partner as a low-pressure alternative to sex in this thread. Well Wednesday night I spent the night over at my GF's place and my libido was through the roof because we had not had sex in one week. I could sense that she was not receptive that night, which is triggering as an AP, as this would never have happened during our first year honeymoon phase (I mean after a week without sex). So I made advances in bed but quickly realized that she wasn't in the mood. So I was very open about my high arousal and that I'd rather masturbate in front of her instead of going to hide somewhere. She laughed which made me a bit uncomfortable. But that's what I did. It didn't arouse her that night like the previous time I had done that. But the next morning when we woke up especially early, she initiated sex. So, I don't know if that's going to be a compromise going forward or not. It seems healthy to me, I'm expressing my needs openly and without shame, but also without relying on her to fulfill them. Wow, how did you feel when she didn't do anything while you masturbated? Well I left out some details. It ended up being a hand job.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2019 2:07:22 GMT
happyidiot I only gave a DA (mine) perspective of what he shared. It seems his GF was not feeling receptive and from my perspective, I could guess why. So I gave my perspective empathizing with his girlfriend. In previous posts toorational has appreciated the insight and agreed that what I said was similar to what his GF had expressed or demonstrated. So it may seem harsh to you, it may seem harsh to the OP, however, it is a perspective that is not automatically intuited by the OP or even you, as both of you seem to think that his bids ought to have elicited a different response, or were reasonable. The mystery seems to be, why is she so cold? Well, thinking and feeling as a DA myself, I see in this situation some things that won't come naturally to people of other styles or personalities. I am not saying that I can read her mind, but I spoke mine. I will continue to do so. I do not expect your appreciation for this, as we operate differently. I come from far on the spectrum DA and so expect that you,, with a fair amount of anxious, would not agree with me. What seems ok to you does not seem ok to me. We are different. And so it is, and in the future I won't feel the need to explain my position on that. Toorational mentions the AP hypersensitivity to little signs of distance. What may not be understood is that a DA also is hypersensitive and can read very well, signs of emotional neediness and dependency. As one of Rational's chief complaints is a vastly different sexual appetite, it is not a stretch to guess that his affectionate gestures under the table were NOT freely given in a relaxed invitation to bond. It seems they were laden with needing reassurance or to be given attention in order to soothe his anxiety and negative mind state. Why do I see it this way? Because he admits readily that 1) He was feeling anxious and vulnerable and especially sensitive to PERCEIVED distance (which is his internal anxious preoccupation and not necessarily a reality- trust me AP can make shit up and run with it and then become more anxious in an attempt to be soothed) 2) He made the gesture several times and was ignored. So. Not once, several times. He did not take a hint and persisted. I do not assume she is oblivious but I do guess that she is aware she is being expected to soothe him and is not willing to do that at that point, in that way. She may have had something bothering her that he is oblivious to, in his own anxious state he is looking for assurance and soothing and this is not an empathetic state. There are a couple of problems here that could lead to increased avoidance, and a decreased libido for her. As far as I know, she is not aware and enlightened about her own reactions. So, her natural state would be to become more avoidant if I am anywhere near close to my analysis here. It's a shot in the dark but here are the problems I see with his approach: I have shared before that a DA woman is not sexually aroused by anxiety and neediness in her man. I guarantee it is not hard to detect when a partner is emotionally anxious and insecure. To mix anxious insecurity with sexual flirtation even mild and seemingly benign, is a mistake. Additionally, behind that sensation of a finger swirling on the inside of the leg, is the heavy (to an unaware DA) expectation that accompanies anxious preoccupation. If she is already somewhat deactivated this will deactivate her more. She most likely needs some space to unwind and not be needed. To socialize and not be in intimacy. A slightly sexual flirtation under the table brings the focus to "one -on-one" It may be a very small thing but the suggestion is "Just you and me". It takes the dynamic out of the group and makes it one on one, intimate. Thats not where she was at, it seems. It is a bid to make the partner the focus of attention, when she did not have that to give. I said, be sexual when you're alone. I mean, do not take her out of a relaxed group dynamic to make it about you. Let her be, instead of push harder. Wait for privacy , not because a flirtation is over the top but because that setting was perhaps not too intimate for her at that time. She might have been more able , at that time , to enjoy what is called a parallel experience, which is more comfortable for a DA in many cases and can bridge the gap to more intimate one on one time. She may have been enjoying or trying to enjoy a shared experience in spite of feeling deactivated- kudos for trying. Not all DA can stick around if they need time or space. It seems she did, so in her mind she may have been making an effort even though she didn't feel it. To be called cold is insult to injury maybe, who knows. I can't read her mind but I have been there. If there was something weighing on her, I don't know if anyone asked, or was in tune to that. OP seemed to make it about him and try to get assurance. It may have been something very different- but who knows because.... it was just about her being cold, wasn't it. It may seem very easy for anyone else reading this , to call her cold. In fact, that's what toorational did after his repeated bids were ignored or denied. That is the dilemma between a DA and an AP. AP pushes and pushes. DA retreats. Why be surprised or dismayed if I speak to the DA side? You may not like how I speak. I can tell you, you minimizing and reacting to what I shared sounds really harsh and invalidating to me, also. But- I also accept that yours is an opinion that is more likely to be empathized with than mine- because there are not other DA who read this like I do. I'm fine with that. The way to get more sex from a DA woman is NOT to behave anxiously with any sort of sexual vibe. It is counterproductive. I can see why it played out the way that it did. You mention that you missed it where she was criticized. In his posts, he admits that she felt criticized, and in his apology he included an apology for the criticisms. She seemed to appreciate that. I didn't miss that. It's in the thread. So- you may not appreciate my voice in that thread and that's fine with me. It may be more closely aligned with his GF's position, I am only guessing since she is the DA half of that dynamic. If he wants to understand how his AP is triggering and difficult and offensive and in fact a turnoff for his DA partner, I can attempt to shed light on that, and I will do it as I see fit without trying to appeal to you. If you do not care for my style you are absolutely free to ignore me. I don't criticize your voice here although I often don't agree or find your perspective puzzling. It is well known that the various types don't always get along , but my interaction was not with you it was with toorational. If he found it unhelpful I would have refrained from continuing to offer my perspective, but that is not the case.
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 22, 2019 23:26:33 GMT
Wow, how did you feel when she didn't do anything while you masturbated? Well I left out some details. It ended up being a hand job. Well that's still nice. I have decided against the plan of asking if I can masturbate in front of him for now, because I would die inside if he said he didn't want me to or just awkwardly lay there uninterested. So it wouldn't be coming from a secure place of asking for something while knowing I can handle any answer, I would be looking for a particular result and absolutely crushed and ashamed if I didn't get it.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2019 0:48:01 GMT
Well I left out some details. It ended up being a hand job. Well that's still nice. I have decided against the plan of asking if I can masturbate in front of him for now, because I would die inside if he said he didn't want me to or just awkwardly lay there uninterested. So it wouldn't be coming from a secure place of asking for something while knowing I can handle any answer, I would be looking for a particular result and absolutely crushed and ashamed if I didn't get it. at the risk of sounding like a rebel, why do you need to ask if you can masturbate in front of him??!??! it's your body, do whatever you want with it! I hold my orgasms very dearly and I don't let anyone, no matter how much I love him insecurely lol, to determine that. that's the one thing I can control myself and damn if i let some insecure relationship get in the way of that!!
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 24, 2019 7:20:32 GMT
Well that's still nice. I have decided against the plan of asking if I can masturbate in front of him for now, because I would die inside if he said he didn't want me to or just awkwardly lay there uninterested. So it wouldn't be coming from a secure place of asking for something while knowing I can handle any answer, I would be looking for a particular result and absolutely crushed and ashamed if I didn't get it. at the risk of sounding like a rebel, why do you need to ask if you can masturbate in front of him??!??! it's your body, do whatever you want with it! I hold my orgasms very dearly and I don't let anyone, no matter how much I love him insecurely lol, to determine that. that's the one thing I can control myself and damn if i let some insecure relationship get in the way of that!! It's widely socially understood in the country I live in that masturbation is something very private that should only be done in front of other people with their clear consent. It's usually considered rude to just start masturbating in front of someone without asking, even if they are your partner (maybe it could be ok in a certain context, like if you were heavily making out, but that is the opposite of the situation we were talking about, we were talking about when our partners don't seem interested in sex). And I really wouldn't want to if he wasn't into it.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2019 12:07:56 GMT
at the risk of sounding like a rebel, why do you need to ask if you can masturbate in front of him??!??! it's your body, do whatever you want with it! I hold my orgasms very dearly and I don't let anyone, no matter how much I love him insecurely lol, to determine that. that's the one thing I can control myself and damn if i let some insecure relationship get in the way of that!! It's widely socially understood in the country I live in that masturbation is something very private that should only be done in front of other people with their clear consent. It's usually considered rude to just start masturbating in front of someone without asking, even if they are your partner (maybe it could be ok in a certain context, like if you were heavily making out, but that is the opposite of the situation we were talking about, we were talking about when our partners don't seem interested in sex). And I really wouldn't want to if he wasn't into it. I see, sorry I was not aware of that norm. I come from the perspective that I would tell him I'd finish myself off, and he does not have to participate or view or endorse it, but he is certainly welcome to do it. if it is offensive, either of us can be somewhere else. I would ask if i can do it in front of him, and have a conversation around how acceptable that is and how to navigate it. however, if he doesn't want it much, then I would then think very hard on a relationship that doesn't allow for sex nor encouraging each other of self pleasure - that's because sex is important to me and I consider physical intimacy, self or mutual, to be an expression of acceptance, encouragement, sexuality, and affection. I think In my mind, I would ask for consent as a courtesy, not as permission. and if he rejected that as well as express disdain at me having to masturbate, I would be very hurt as well as offended, and rethink the entire relationship. if he was happy for me to do it but not want to participate, I think that's fine.
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Post by toorational on Jul 24, 2019 18:13:52 GMT
I think In my mind, I would ask for consent as a courtesy, not as permission. and if he rejected that as well as express disdain at me having to masturbate, I would be very hurt as well as offended, and rethink the entire relationship. if he was happy for me to do it but not want to participate, I think that's fine. Agreed 100%. This is probably the exact reason why happyidiot is not comfortable in asking, because she fears the possible rejection and its implications (i.e. reconsider the whole relationship). I don't think it has anything to do with social norms. I also would have been extremely hurt if my GF was opposed to me masturbating next to her. But that's a risk I was willing to take because the upside was so great. I also was willing to reconsider the relationship if that didn't work out, because I'm not willing to settle for very little sex in my relationship going forward. I had bad sex for my previous 15 years relationship and now that I know what great sex is like, I'm not willing to accept long dry spells anymore. I don't know if it's gonna be a long-term solution but it might just be the solution to our differing libidos. Time will tell.
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 2, 2019 18:23:58 GMT
It's widely socially understood in the country I live in that masturbation is something very private that should only be done in front of other people with their clear consent. It's usually considered rude to just start masturbating in front of someone without asking, even if they are your partner (maybe it could be ok in a certain context, like if you were heavily making out, but that is the opposite of the situation we were talking about, we were talking about when our partners don't seem interested in sex). And I really wouldn't want to if he wasn't into it. I see, sorry I was not aware of that norm. I come from the perspective that I would tell him I'd finish myself off, and he does not have to participate or view or endorse it, but he is certainly welcome to do it. if it is offensive, either of us can be somewhere else. I would ask if i can do it in front of him, and have a conversation around how acceptable that is and how to navigate it. however, if he doesn't want it much, then I would then think very hard on a relationship that doesn't allow for sex nor encouraging each other of self pleasure - that's because sex is important to me and I consider physical intimacy, self or mutual, to be an expression of acceptance, encouragement, sexuality, and affection. I think In my mind, I would ask for consent as a courtesy, not as permission. and if he rejected that as well as express disdain at me having to masturbate, I would be very hurt as well as offended, and rethink the entire relationship. if he was happy for me to do it but not want to participate, I think that's fine. Really? We aren't talking about touching oneself during sex or other times where it seems like it would be well-received, but at times that the other person is not interested in sex/anything sexual. I am not sure where you are from but I would have thought that especially with the current climate regarding consent in many Western countries and especially in the US, it would be thought of as common knowledge that it's not ok to just start masturbating in front of someone, even if you're in a relationship with them. Certain celebrities have been vilified in recent years for masturbating in front of people who consented, because those people later said they felt pressured to consent. It's not that my relationship "doesn't allow for" sex or masturbation, it's just that my boyfriend is interested in sex less often than I am. Anyway, the real reason I'd be wanting to masturbate in front of him would be with the hope that that would turn him on and he would get involved in some way, and also that it might result in him feeling more comfortable masturbating in front of me in the future or asking me to "help" when maybe he doesn't feel like full-on sex but wants a release. If he rejected it I would be absolutely crushed, so I won't be taking this approach anyway. I'm actually losing my libido now due to him being interested in sex so much less often than I am. I don't think he's been masturbating as much lately, which has made me feel slightly better about it, because at least I haven't had to sit wracked with anxiety and feelings of rejection while I think he's masturbating in the bathroom. I feel like I am stifling a part of myself that I used to be able to express freely with him and it does sometimes make me rethink the relationship. But you have to understand we do have sex with a frequency that I suspect many people would think was "normal," especially if we had been together longer than we have, and when we do have sex it is always wonderful. I think In my mind, I would ask for consent as a courtesy, not as permission. and if he rejected that as well as express disdain at me having to masturbate, I would be very hurt as well as offended, and rethink the entire relationship. if he was happy for me to do it but not want to participate, I think that's fine. Agreed 100%. This is probably the exact reason why happyidiot is not comfortable in asking, because she fears the possible rejection and its implications (i.e. reconsider the whole relationship). I don't think it has anything to do with social norms. I also would have been extremely hurt if my GF was opposed to me masturbating next to her. But that's a risk I was willing to take because the upside was so great. I also was willing to reconsider the relationship if that didn't work out, because I'm not willing to settle for very little sex in my relationship going forward. I had bad sex for my previous 15 years relationship and now that I know what great sex is like, I'm not willing to accept long dry spells anymore. I don't know if it's gonna be a long-term solution but it might just be the solution to our differing libidos. Time will tell. I already feel so rejected just due to him turning down my advances sometimes, and even when I haven't made any overt advances but I feel he rejects me with his body language like turning away or cutting a hug or kiss short, or when he does what I perceive as a type of advance rejection by going on and on about how tired he is or how he has a headache, I can't bear any more rejection. I think I would even view him saying ok but just doing nothing while I masturbated as a rejection. I'm glad it's worked for you though. I have no idea if my problem with this decrease in his interest in sex (and concurrent decrease in complimenting me, looking at me in sexual way, etc) is completely unreasonable and 100% my anxiety and insecurity looking for problems. I don't bring it up much to him, but he thinks I'm just being ridiculous and "creating issues" and that he has perfectly valid reasons for every time he doesn't want sex that are nothing to do with me. He feels attacked and gets very defensive if I say anything. I think it triggers his anxieties, as he worries I might leave him over it someday, but unfortunately it's not usually in a way where that anxiety makes him think it's something we should work on, more in a way where he starts throwing up protests like, "If you want more sex we should just break up so you can find someone who will give you that!" I don't want that, but it's true that I might leave him over it someday if it gets worse and worse and he doesn't seem to care, because it makes me feel unloved and disconnected from him.
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Post by toorational on Aug 2, 2019 19:59:08 GMT
I already feel so rejected just due to him turning down my advances sometimes, and even when I haven't made any overt advances but I feel he rejects me with his body language like turning away or cutting a hug or kiss short, or when he does what I perceive as a type of advance rejection by going on and on about how tired he is or how he has a headache, I can't bear any more rejection. I think I would even view him saying ok but just doing nothing while I masturbated as a rejection. I'm glad it's worked for you though. I have no idea if my problem with this decrease in his interest in sex (and concurrent decrease in complimenting me, looking at me in sexual way, etc) is completely unreasonable and 100% my anxiety and insecurity looking for problems. I don't bring it up much to him, but he thinks I'm just being ridiculous and "creating issues" and that he has perfectly valid reasons for every time he doesn't want sex that are nothing to do with me. He feels attacked and gets very defensive if I say anything. I think it triggers his anxieties, as he worries I might leave him over it someday, but unfortunately it's not usually in a way where that anxiety makes him think it's something we should work on, more in a way where he starts throwing up protests like, "If you want more sex we should just break up so you can find someone who will give you that!" I don't want that, but it's true that I might leave him over it someday if it gets worse and worse and he doesn't seem to care, because it makes me feel unloved and disconnected from him. Just a clarification, last time I masturbated I actually needed to guide her hand. She was actually just laying there doing nothing. Perhaps she would have helped me on her own eventually but I would have been hurt if she hadn't. So I didn't want to take the chance that she wouldn't and so I guided her hand and she obliged. Perhaps feeling pressured a bit. I don't know, unfortunately we don't discuss these things. I can so relate to everything you posted above. Especially the "advance rejection", stating in very obvious ways how tired she is before going to bed. Cutting a hug or kiss short too. Same thing is happening to me. That never happened in the first 18 months of our r/s. But what is puzzling is that this is not always the case. Sometimes she will be very loving throughout the night and we will have sex. But this is happening less and less frequently now (maybe once a month). Usually when we have sex it's after I make advances in bed. It's very rare nowadays that we will flirt before sex, both knowing that we will get there. It's sad because I love to create anticipation through sexy texts, romantic gestures, sweet talk, etc. But nowadays that is received negatively as pressure to have sex from my GF I will actually post an update in my thread but I don't wanna derail this thread. Unfortunately I don't really have good concrete advice to give as I'm in the same boat.
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 2, 2019 21:24:16 GMT
toorationalIt's not derailing the thread, at least what you've said so far hasn't been off-topic at all. It's nice to be able to talk to someone who can relate. I'm feeling so sad and sensitive today so I'm probably blowing things out of proportion and focussing on only the negative, do you think you do that? The thing I'm having the most trouble with is the change from the beginning of our relationship until now. I still feel the same way and want the same things as I did at the beginning, and he doesn't. I would still love to have the same frequency of sex as we had at the beginning (which was a lot!), tell each other all the same nice things and compliments and about how excited we are to be with each other as we did at the beginning. I still think he's just as sexy as I did when we met. The only reason I have decreased in trying to initiate sex, telling him how sexy he is, etc, is because he has, so I eventually withdrew a bit. I feel taken for granted and wonder if he is not excited to have sex with me because he knows that he can any time he wants. I can't remember the last time he complimented me physically, other than when a couple weeks ago he said I "looked nice" when I was dressed up. He used to compliment my body and face. My body has changed a bit, so of course I start feeling insecure and wondering if he just doesn't find my body attractive anymore. Do you (or anyone reading this) think there is any chance we could be reading too much into it when our partners say how tired they are etc? If I have a headache I might mention it, but it in no way means I'm not interested in sex. When my boyfriend says he has a headache I feel like the message is "Please don't try to initiate sex." I'm also sad that there doesn't seem to be sexy texts, romantic gestures, flirting and spontaneous making out/sex in places outside the bedroom as much as there used to be. The last few times we actually had sex were still pretty much initiated by me but he responded quickly and enthusiastically. That is the only way I'm initiating now, if he engages right away, otherwise I no longer try when he gives signs he won't be receptive. What makes you think that your gf interprets those foreplay-esque things as "pressure" to have sex? Has she said that?
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Post by toorational on Aug 2, 2019 22:49:15 GMT
toorational It's not derailing the thread, at least what you've said so far hasn't been off-topic at all. It's nice to be able to talk to someone who can relate. I'm feeling so sad and sensitive today so I'm probably blowing things out of proportion and focussing on only the negative, do you think you do that? Of course I also do that. I've had a particular bad case of insomnia all week and so I'm very tired today and I just rehash the relationship with my GF in my head (more in my thread). What I found helps is to try to remember and focus on the nice things instead of the negatives. As a recent exempe, my GF came to have diner with us on Sunday night before she left for her fishing trip, even though she was busy packing for her trip. We had not seen each other for 4 days at this point and we woudn't see each other for another 5 days. So it was nice of her to drive the 35 min to my place to spend a bit of time together, even if it wasn't romantic time (we had our kids). The thing I'm having the most trouble with is the change from the beginning of our relationship until now. I still feel the same way and want the same things as I did at the beginning, and he doesn't. I would still love to have the same frequency of sex as we had at the beginning (which was a lot!), tell each other all the same nice things and compliments and about how excited we are to be with each other as we did at the beginning. I still think he's just as sexy as I did when we met. The only reason I have decreased in trying to initiate sex, telling him how sexy he is, etc, is because he has, so I eventually withdrew a bit. I feel taken for granted and wonder if he is not excited to have sex with me because he knows that he can any time he wants. I could have written these exact same words, it's so uncanny. What was the frequency of sex before and what is it now? For us it used to be at least every 48h and more on weekends (usually 3 times), but we see each other only 50% of days. So on average it was 4-5 times a week. She actually heard a study on the radio that sex every 48h was the perfect frequency for a happy couple. So we would joke around and make references to these 48h a lot and we were actually a happy couple. Now I'd say it's 1-3 times a week, often less. Now it's been 9 days without it (mostly because of logistics but could have been more). The last full weekend that we were together we had sex only once. I tried to initiate one morning and got rejected. That hurt... Do you (or anyone reading this) think there is any chance we could be reading too much into it when our partners say how tired they are etc? If I have a headache I might mention it, but it in no way means I'm not interested in sex. When my boyfriend says he has a headache I feel like the message is "Please don't try to initiate sex." I can only speak for myself but I think that my radar is pretty accurate. It has been very rare (not even sure that it ever happened) that my GF gave me advance rejection but in the end was up for sex. Actually it happened once. I made small advances but she wasn't receptive to sex so I gave up. A few seconds later she started initiating. I was puzzled by the whole thing but she said it was about the pressure thing. She sensed pressure to have sex so was turned off. But when I let go of that pressure, her arousal was "freed" I'm also sad that there doesn't seem to be sexy texts, romantic gestures, flirting and spontaneous making out/sex in places outside the bedroom as much as there used to be. The last few times we actually had sex were still pretty much initiated by me but he responded quickly and enthusiastically. That is the only way I'm initiating now, if he engages right away, otherwise I no longer try when he gives signs he won't be receptive. I also miss the sexy things she would do. At one point she actually gave me a striptease for my birthday! That was mind blowing. So she can be very sexual. She has a very sexy body and she knows I love to see her in lingerie. So she did surprise me once or twice when I visited her and greeted me in lingerie. But not anymore. These sexy times are gone. I hardly see her in lingerie anymore because she quickly removes that and goes under the sheets at night. No teasing anymore. I miss the early days... What makes you think that your gf interprets those foreplay-esque things as "pressure" to have sex? Has she said that? Yes. We discussed this a few times. She doesn't know why but if she feels pressure for anything (spend time together, have sex, etc), it's a turn off for her. It wasn't so earlier in our relationship. So the compromise we came up with is that I would let her initiate in bed. I can't quite refrain myself though and I can't say I'm really happy with this compromise. So I still try to initiate once in a while but I don't push as much as I used to. I can now usually tell only from the way she kisses in bed. If I don't feel it I don't push it. Sometimes I'm rewarded for my patience the next morning, since she prefers in the morning. But if I know it's not gonna happen in the morning because of our schedule, then I might be a bit more pushy at night or suggest masturbation if I'm really super horny like I did twice.
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 3, 2019 0:05:50 GMT
Of course I also do that. I've had a particular bad case of insomnia all week and so I'm very tired today and I just rehash the relationship with my GF in my head (more in my thread). What I found helps is to try to remember and focus on the nice things instead of the negatives. As a recent exempe, my GF came to have diner with us on Sunday night before she left for her fishing trip, even though she was busy packing for her trip. We had not seen each other for 4 days at this point and we woudn't see each other for another 5 days. So it was nice of her to drive the 35 min to my place to spend a bit of time together, even if it wasn't romantic time (we had our kids). That's a good tip, trying to focus on the nice things. Sometimes when I'm in a negative rut those things cause me pain too though. Like I might think to myself, "Remember back on xyz day when he made a point of complimenting me and initiating sex after I recently said that I need those things? Big deal, that sure didn't last! He only did it because we'd had a fight and he puts in effort when our relationship is threatened. He hasn't made a single comment about my body or initiated sex since." or I might think, "Remember the fantastic sex we had last time we had sex? Whatever, even that feels tainted to me now, like I can't trust or expect it. He didn't even want to have sex at all last time I saw him." I'm glad I can write out these thoughts here. It used to be 1-3 times per day on the days that we'd see each other and we'd maybe see each other 4-5 days a week, so let's say 8x a week, and now we maybe have sex 1-3x a week, often less, and we still see each other 4-5 days a week. In the past 2 or 3 weeks it's been about 1x week but again, same as you, logistics may have been a factor as we haven't had as much privacy. Also the last time we spent a couple full days together we didn't have sex at all, which adds a fresh pain to my pile. So, it's probably still a frequency of sex that many people might be ok with, but my concerns are how much it's changed, the mismatch in our desires, fear that it will change even more and become super infrequent in the future, and the other behaviors/things that have diminished alongside it. There are some major differences from your situation though. We haven't been together as long as you. I can't say we had 1.5 years of equally matched sex drives that then changed like you, it was more like the first 3 or 4 months. It makes it very hard for me to know if I'm just overreacting to the end of the lustful novelty period and maybe his hormones have just gone back down to his "normal." I don't know my bf's attachment type, whereas you seem confident your gf is DA. Usually if my bf gives me what I perceive as an "advance rejection" I don't even bother trying to initiate sex, just based on the couple times I did still try and was rejected AND then received anger over being sad that I was rejected. I guess there was one time he said he was super tired and I still tried and he didn't reject me. My bf thinks "pressure" is a big turn-off too, although last we spoke about it he claimed he only rarely feels pressured by me (it's whenever I verbally let on that the decrease in sex isn't making me feel happy). If it's coming from someone I am attracted to, I don't find "pressure" a turn-off at all–well, I could never feel pressured for sex from him because I NEVER don't want to have sex wth him unless I am SO sick that I'm actually barfing or crying in pain and obviously he wouldn't try at those times. Even when, as an FA myself, when I was deactivating in the past (which has been infrequent and short-lived) I STILL chose to have sex with him. And if I was just not particularly in the mood, if he pursued me for sex I would get turned on. Same if he pursued me to spend time with him, I love that. I love to feel wanted. None of the things that he says are reasons for not wanting to have sex are things that would stop me from having sex with him so it's so hard for me to truly understand and not take it personally. What happens if you just don't initiate whatsoever for a long chunk of time?
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Post by toorational on Aug 5, 2019 15:17:35 GMT
What happens if you just don't initiate whatsoever for a long chunk of time? I don't know, I never tried. I'm pretty sure that she would initiate in bed after a while but it could be long, depending on her mood. She has a healthy sex drive, it's just that she goes through periods of general withdrawal sometimes. The worse was last summer when she was distant for the whole summer but that was a thyroid problem. Sometimes she can be withdrawn for one or two weeks at a time and I then do most of the initiating but I try to not be pushy. I played a bit with fire this morning. We had sex two times already this weekend but I made some advances this morning. But it was a slow build up. I was just caressing her softly and feeling her mood. Gave her a 10 min massage. I would have genuinely been fine with just caressing her in bed and I think that she sensed that I was relaxed and not pushy. I was just enjoying the moment. I think that it turned her on in the end and we had sex. I'm pretty sure that if I had been more aggressive at first she would have pushed back. I'm starting to understand her more and more. I think that it's important to have intimate times without it necessarily leading to sex. That helps to keep the pressure low and just enjoy the moment. I'm hoping that you find some tricks with your BF to improve the situation. But in the end I would suggest to try to find a way to discuss this with him in a non-threatening way to figure out a compromise. Maybe straight up starting to masturbate in front of him is too bold but discussing this with him beforehand could be an option. Communication is very important for a long lasting couple and it's a risk worth taking in my opinion. It doesn't always work well but it's better to figure out sooner than later whether or not you guys can talk about problems in your relationship in a healthy way. Best of luck.
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