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Post by areum0 on Jul 7, 2019 12:04:52 GMT
Hello again! I posted here previously, trying to understand the meaning behind “right now” with regards to relationships and DAs.
Just a quick recap: After being with my DA for 7 or so months I asked him if we might talk about whether we were an actual couple or if all of this was too much for him. I asked him after he had gotten through a spell of stomach sickness/ exhaustion, but after I asked him some days later he told me his family member died and he didn’t want to talk to anyone (which is fine) then later he said he wasn’t sure if he was a relationship person and it wasn’t exactly fair of him to give me the idea that we should pursue a relationship right now. I didn’t fight him but asked if we might try being friends and he said he looked forward to maintaining a friendship with me- but anything more would be too much right now.
So I didn’t contact him for three months and then sent him a simple text to see how he was doing. He said he’d been ok and appreciated me reaching out to him. A month later I emailed him a “postcard” of my recent vacation highlights. He actually emailed me back a really nice message where he recommended a book to me on the country I visited (he, I didn’t realize, had always wanted to visit that particular place), and was pretty friendly- like his old self. So I felt things might beginning to thaw out between us.
A few weeks later I found out my office was moving within walking distance to his and so I texted him to let him know. And also asked if he’d like to catch up sometime if he was free.
He responded by evading my question and was very cold throughout the whole conversation. I ended by saying “well. Maybe we will see each other in passing lol” and he said “quite likely”.
I was really surprised by his reaction. I don’t know if he suddenly felt like his space was invaded and freaked out or something- but it seemed really uncalled for. I thought the best thing would be for him to know that I would be RIGHT THERE now... that was a week ago.
Yesterday though I got a text from him. He started asking me how the move went and how things were at my new office and how it was effecting my commute etc. I was really surprised to hear from him. And wasn’t sure if he was just trying to ease his guilt because he may have felt it was wrong to speak to me the way he did. I replied kind of in a dry way. Eventually I thanked him for reaching out, and our conversation kind of faded off.
Can anyone shed some light as to what they think happened here? If you need more details let me know. I’m just confused. I don’t know if he just want to be seen as “a good guy” so he felt he needed to reach out. Or if he felt ashamed and realized that I’ve only really been a good person to him all this time. Or if after thinking about it he might have wanted to lay the ground work to have a normal relationship.
I’m just very confused by this. Does this seem like DA behavior to you?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 15:40:29 GMT
Was this conversation over text? It is possible to apply a narrative and assumptions that are completely false to a text message. Perhaps that is what is going on- why make up a whole story about his intentions or emotions or thinking? A text can only be seen as a very limited mode of communication. Emotionally charged issues can take on a whole new fictional meaning over text.
If you would like clarity it would be best to have a face to face or voice to voice phone convo with him for that. If he is not amenable then your answer is, he does not wish to engage on a meaningful level. One thing I know as a DA and being involved with one is text is meaningless. It's a cop out that evades intimacy. The real stuff can only be ascertained by more direct and engaged modes of relating. Many DA will not be available for this because they do not wish to cultivate intimacy or relationship further. If a DA wants a relationship or is ready for one beyond what already exists they will typically initiate and ask for that more than what you are seeing here.
I'd see what you can do to ditch the texting if you are unsure. Instead of texting, give a call and see if he's amenable to better communication.
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Post by areum0 on Jul 7, 2019 16:02:31 GMT
Was this conversation over text? It is possible to apply a narrative and assumptions that are completely false to a text message. Perhaps that is what is going on- why make up a whole story about his intentions or emotions or thinking? A text can only be seen as a very limited mode of communication. Emotionally charged issues can take on a whole new fictional meaning over text. If you would like clarity it would be best to have a face to face or voice to voice phone convo with him for that. If he is not amenable then your answer is, he does not wish to engage on a meaningful level. One thing I know as a DA and being involved with one is text is meaningless. It's a cop out that evades intimacy. The real stuff can only be ascertained by more direct and engaged modes of relating. Many DA will not be available for this because they do not wish to cultivate intimacy or relationship further. If a DA wants a relationship or is ready for one beyond what already exists they will typically initiate and ask for that more than what you are seeing here. I'd see what you can do to ditch the texting if you are unsure. Instead of texting, give a call and see if he's amenable to better communication. Thanks for your thoughts. I’d been thinking the same thing- there are so many ways to misconstrue messages and meanings behind them especially if they are text messages. I’m wondering though- As a DA if you thought you might have hurt someone’s feelings would you reach out to them as a peace offering if you didn’t particularly care or would you just leave it alone? |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 16:13:52 GMT
Was this conversation over text? It is possible to apply a narrative and assumptions that are completely false to a text message. Perhaps that is what is going on- why make up a whole story about his intentions or emotions or thinking? A text can only be seen as a very limited mode of communication. Emotionally charged issues can take on a whole new fictional meaning over text. If you would like clarity it would be best to have a face to face or voice to voice phone convo with him for that. If he is not amenable then your answer is, he does not wish to engage on a meaningful level. One thing I know as a DA and being involved with one is text is meaningless. It's a cop out that evades intimacy. The real stuff can only be ascertained by more direct and engaged modes of relating. Many DA will not be available for this because they do not wish to cultivate intimacy or relationship further. If a DA wants a relationship or is ready for one beyond what already exists they will typically initiate and ask for that more than what you are seeing here. I'd see what you can do to ditch the texting if you are unsure. Instead of texting, give a call and see if he's amenable to better communication. Thanks for your thoughts. I’d been thinking the same thing- there are so many ways to misconstrue messages and meanings behind them especially if they are text messages. I’m wondering though- As a DA if you thought you might have hurt someone’s feelings would you reach out to them as a peace offering if you didn’t particularly care or would you just leave it alone? Honestly, I may be unaware if I have hurt someone's feelings in a situation like this. Because it's a very ambiguous type of communication. I think it may have been heavily misconstrued on your end, and the ending statement you made indicates nothing of your internal discomfort. It sounds like we will be friendly if we run into each other and that it's going to be likely since we are in close proximity now. The follow up is friendly and I could see myself doing that as just a follow up to someone who has shared something of import with me and wanted me to know. Honestly, I encourage you to be bold and direct. That's just how I have learned to be, myself as DA and being involved with one. If you want any kind of relationship platonic or otherwise you have to be very direct with a DA and let them get over any weirdness while you get over it yourself. The guessing is madness. That's not a criticism it's a sympathetic awareness as someone who, having an insecure attachment style myself, has learned that communication is the only way to bond in any way shape or form. Communication involves so much more than nouns, verbs, pronouns, adjectives, and punctuation on a screen. You have GOT to be present and personal for any kind of meaningful exchange at all. Voice is the minimum. I wouldn't waste time speculating about anything you have read on a screen. |
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Post by areum0 on Jul 7, 2019 18:03:23 GMT
Thanks for your thoughts. I’d been thinking the same thing- there are so many ways to misconstrue messages and meanings behind them especially if they are text messages. I’m wondering though- As a DA if you thought you might have hurt someone’s feelings would you reach out to them as a peace offering if you didn’t particularly care or would you just leave it alone? Honestly, I may be unaware if I have hurt someone's feelings in a situation like this. Because it's a very ambiguous type of communication. I think it may have been heavily misconstrued on your end, and the ending statement you made indicates nothing of your internal discomfort. It sounds like we will be friendly if we run into each other and that it's going to be likely since we are in close proximity now. The follow up is friendly and I could see myself doing that as just a follow up to someone who has shared something of import with me and wanted me to know. Honestly, I encourage you to be bold and direct. That's just how I have learned to be, myself as DA and being involved with one. If you want any kind of relationship platonic or otherwise you have to be very direct with a DA and let them get over any weirdness while you get over it yourself. The guessing is madness. That's not a criticism it's a sympathetic awareness as someone who, having an insecure attachment style myself, has learned that communication is the only way to bond in any way shape or form. Communication involves so much more than nouns, verbs, pronouns, adjectives, and punctuation on a screen. You have GOT to be present and personal for any kind of meaningful exchange at all. Voice is the minimum. I wouldn't waste time speculating about anything you have read on a screen. Thanks Sherry, I’m going to think about what you said- I do have a tendency to shrink back and avoid being direct or confrontational. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 18:08:50 GMT
Honestly, I may be unaware if I have hurt someone's feelings in a situation like this. Because it's a very ambiguous type of communication. I think it may have been heavily misconstrued on your end, and the ending statement you made indicates nothing of your internal discomfort. It sounds like we will be friendly if we run into each other and that it's going to be likely since we are in close proximity now. The follow up is friendly and I could see myself doing that as just a follow up to someone who has shared something of import with me and wanted me to know. Honestly, I encourage you to be bold and direct. That's just how I have learned to be, myself as DA and being involved with one. If you want any kind of relationship platonic or otherwise you have to be very direct with a DA and let them get over any weirdness while you get over it yourself. The guessing is madness. That's not a criticism it's a sympathetic awareness as someone who, having an insecure attachment style myself, has learned that communication is the only way to bond in any way shape or form. Communication involves so much more than nouns, verbs, pronouns, adjectives, and punctuation on a screen. You have GOT to be present and personal for any kind of meaningful exchange at all. Voice is the minimum. I wouldn't waste time speculating about anything you have read on a screen. Thanks Sherry, I’m going to think about what you said- I do have a tendency to shrink back and avoid being direct or confrontational. You're welcome. And please understand what what I mean by being direct, is to put on a shelf your fear and assumptions and stories and if you like him and want to have a connection, be bold and direct about THAT. I'm not sure any conflict or confrontation is necessary, or any clarifying your suspicions or hopes or fears. That's all just internal stuff that is yours to manage as far as I can tell. I mean just be honest about your liking him and hoping for a connection or friendship and having patience and some vulnerability to see where that gets you. Perhaps this is horrible advice for an anxious person I have no idea. But I just never made any progress without 1) dealing with my crap and fears internally instead of laying it on someone else and 2) being brave enough to be authentic imeven in the face of possible rejection. Obviously I am still having to work hard to manage and learn how to do relationships but those two points are fundamental for me as an insecurely attached person. |
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Post by areum0 on Jul 7, 2019 18:37:18 GMT
Thanks Sherry, I’m going to think about what you said- I do have a tendency to shrink back and avoid being direct or confrontational. You're welcome. And please understand what what I mean by being direct, is to put on a shelf your fear and assumptions and stories and if you like him and want to have a connection, be bold and direct about THAT. I'm not sure any conflict or confrontation is necessary, or any clarifying your suspicions or hopes or fears. That's all just internal stuff that is yours to manage as far as I can tell. I mean just be honest about your liking him and hoping for a connection or friendship and having patience and some vulnerability to see where that gets you. Perhaps this is horrible advice for an anxious person I have no idea. But I just never made any progress without 1) dealing with my crap and fears internally instead of laying it on someone else and 2) being brave enough to be authentic imeven in the face of possible rejection. Obviously I am still having to work hard to manage and learn how to do relationships but those two points are fundamental for me as an insecurely attached person. Yeah. Being vulnerable is the thing.. it’s not as if I haven’t tried. It took a lot for me to reach out and suggest we see each other. Or even to reach out the other times I did. I guess I still have some work to do though. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 18:43:31 GMT
You're welcome. And please understand what what I mean by being direct, is to put on a shelf your fear and assumptions and stories and if you like him and want to have a connection, be bold and direct about THAT. I'm not sure any conflict or confrontation is necessary, or any clarifying your suspicions or hopes or fears. That's all just internal stuff that is yours to manage as far as I can tell. I mean just be honest about your liking him and hoping for a connection or friendship and having patience and some vulnerability to see where that gets you. Perhaps this is horrible advice for an anxious person I have no idea. But I just never made any progress without 1) dealing with my crap and fears internally instead of laying it on someone else and 2) being brave enough to be authentic imeven in the face of possible rejection. Obviously I am still having to work hard to manage and learn how to do relationships but those two points are fundamental for me as an insecurely attached person. Yeah. Being vulnerable is the thing.. it’s not as if I haven’t tried. It took a lot for me to reach out and suggest we see each other. Or even to reach out the other times I did. I guess I still have some work to do though. I've been working on in a long time and yes it's really hard. I mean, i find out in layers that I wasn't as vulnerable as I thought. I just keep refining it little by little when I run up against a wall in him or in myself. I mean, i have no idea what his feelings and intentions are at all, your person. You just can't know until you know yourself enough to be yourself, and let someone else respond to that how ever they do without it being personal if they aren't in the same place. Probably hardest thing I have ever tried to master. |
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Post by areum0 on Jul 7, 2019 19:02:15 GMT
Yeah. Being vulnerable is the thing.. it’s not as if I haven’t tried. It took a lot for me to reach out and suggest we see each other. Or even to reach out the other times I did. I guess I still have some work to do though. I've been working on in a long time and yes it's really hard. I mean, i find out in layers that I wasn't as vulnerable as I thought. I just keep refining it little by little when I run up against a wall in him or in myself. I mean, i have no idea what his feelings and intentions are at all, your person. You just can't know until you know yourself enough to be yourself, and let someone else respond to that how ever they do without it being personal if they aren't in the same place. Probably hardest thing I have ever tried to master. I only know what he told me- that he was agreeable to being friends. He wrote me in a kindly way, in the usually tone he used before things ended. And when I told him I was close by he was very cold. He used to say to me I could tell about certain things without him saying. So I guess I’m accustomed to reasoning based off things he says or doesn’t say and being right. It just felt as if he felt threatened or his his space felt threatened with my all of a sudden being to close. Maybe he spoke to me in a way he later regretted- I don’t know. And then he texted me yesterday, the first time since we ended , to ask me how things went. It’s all conjecture I know. And I know the only way I’ll find out truely is if I talk to him. It’s just scary knowing he will just shut down again probably. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 19:17:42 GMT
I've been working on in a long time and yes it's really hard. I mean, i find out in layers that I wasn't as vulnerable as I thought. I just keep refining it little by little when I run up against a wall in him or in myself. I mean, i have no idea what his feelings and intentions are at all, your person. You just can't know until you know yourself enough to be yourself, and let someone else respond to that how ever they do without it being personal if they aren't in the same place. Probably hardest thing I have ever tried to master. I only know what he told me- that he was agreeable to being friends. He wrote me in a kindly way, in the usually tone he used before things ended. And when I told him I was close by he was very cold. He used to say to me I could tell about certain things without him saying. So I guess I’m accustomed to reasoning based off things he says or doesn’t say and being right. It just felt as if he felt threatened or his his space felt threatened with my all of a sudden being to close. Maybe he spoke to me in a way he later regretted- I don’t know. And then he texted me yesterday, the first time since we ended , to ask me how things went. It’s all conjecture I know. And I know the only way I’ll find out truely is if I talk to him. It’s just scary knowing he will just shut down again probably. I don't know his situation in life, but really if he is amenable to friendship that's likely all he can do and will actually have a hair trigger sensitivity to any sense he gets that you might want to move it beyond what is comfortable to him. I think I recall you writing something suggesting that he felt bad for potentially leading you on, I cannot remember if that was your post or what it said, forgive if I am misplacing that. So, if that is the case then yes I would think he feels like he needs to avoid intonations of growing closeness. The proximity factor would be relevant to that. If there is a history of some intimate involvement and he is not in a place to foster that then it's likely he would need hard boundaries and a feeling of emotional distance. As aloof and unskilled as a DA may be in communicating they are in fact very sensitive to how dicey emotional entanglements and misunderstandings can be, and are also left having to guess to the best of their ability what another's intentions on based on the others actions or words. I'm saying, that a DA who is unaware is also unskilled at direct communication and clarifying and in fact, does not necessarily feel the need to do all that, nor do they want to, if they have already said clearly that they are not in a place for a relationship and want to be friendly but not in a relationship. A relationship with a DA can take a very long time to develop and in many cases it will NOT develop. But it definitely will be guarded against in the DA's actions and words and thoughts, if they know that is not what they can or want to do. I know that as a DA I have felt the need to avoid giving the wrong idea, especially with an anxious person. I don't like to hurt peoples feelings. I also have felt threatened by someone's proximity to my life that seemed like it could impinge my autonomy or privacy. It's tricky on either side of this issue. |
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Post by areum0 on Jul 7, 2019 19:51:41 GMT
I only know what he told me- that he was agreeable to being friends. He wrote me in a kindly way, in the usually tone he used before things ended. And when I told him I was close by he was very cold. He used to say to me I could tell about certain things without him saying. So I guess I’m accustomed to reasoning based off things he says or doesn’t say and being right. It just felt as if he felt threatened or his his space felt threatened with my all of a sudden being to close. Maybe he spoke to me in a way he later regretted- I don’t know. And then he texted me yesterday, the first time since we ended , to ask me how things went. It’s all conjecture I know. And I know the only way I’ll find out truely is if I talk to him. It’s just scary knowing he will just shut down again probably. I don't know his situation in life, but really if he is amenable to friendship that's likely all he can do and will actually have a hair trigger sensitivity to any sense he gets that you might want to move it beyond what is comfortable to him. I think I recall you writing something suggesting that he felt bad for potentially leading you on, I cannot remember if that was your post or what it said, forgive if I am misplacing that. So, if that is the case then yes I would think he feels like he needs to avoid intonations of growing closeness. The proximity factor would be relevant to that. If there is a history of some intimate involvement and he is not in a place to foster that then it's likely he would need hard boundaries and a feeling of emotional distance. As aloof and unskilled as a DA may be in communicating they are in fact very sensitive to how dicey emotional entanglements and misunderstandings can be, and are also left having to guess to the best of their ability what another's intentions on based on the others actions or words. I'm saying, that a DA who is unaware is also unskilled at direct communication and clarifying and in fact, does not necessarily feel the need to do all that, nor do they want to, if they have already said clearly that they are not in a place for a relationship and want to be friendly but not in a relationship. A relationship with a DA can take a very long time to develop and in many cases it will NOT develop. But it definitely will be guarded against in the DA's actions and words and thoughts, if they know that is not what they can or want to do. I know that as a DA I have felt the need to avoid giving the wrong idea, especially with an anxious person. I don't like to hurt peoples feelings. I also have felt threatened by someone's proximity to my life that seemed like it could impinge my autonomy or privacy. It's tricky on either side of this issue. I hear you. I’m going to think about the things you’ve said. I guess I was just surprised to hear from him at all- when it seemed to me that he was probably comfortable with never speaking to me or seeing me again. Again conjecture. I just felt that him initiating contact with me (for the first time since February) is bound to create confusion. And although I do understand, I don’t understand. Sigh- Don’t mind me- I’m just ranting a bit... |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 20:04:39 GMT
I don't know his situation in life, but really if he is amenable to friendship that's likely all he can do and will actually have a hair trigger sensitivity to any sense he gets that you might want to move it beyond what is comfortable to him. I think I recall you writing something suggesting that he felt bad for potentially leading you on, I cannot remember if that was your post or what it said, forgive if I am misplacing that. So, if that is the case then yes I would think he feels like he needs to avoid intonations of growing closeness. The proximity factor would be relevant to that. If there is a history of some intimate involvement and he is not in a place to foster that then it's likely he would need hard boundaries and a feeling of emotional distance. As aloof and unskilled as a DA may be in communicating they are in fact very sensitive to how dicey emotional entanglements and misunderstandings can be, and are also left having to guess to the best of their ability what another's intentions on based on the others actions or words. I'm saying, that a DA who is unaware is also unskilled at direct communication and clarifying and in fact, does not necessarily feel the need to do all that, nor do they want to, if they have already said clearly that they are not in a place for a relationship and want to be friendly but not in a relationship. A relationship with a DA can take a very long time to develop and in many cases it will NOT develop. But it definitely will be guarded against in the DA's actions and words and thoughts, if they know that is not what they can or want to do. I know that as a DA I have felt the need to avoid giving the wrong idea, especially with an anxious person. I don't like to hurt peoples feelings. I also have felt threatened by someone's proximity to my life that seemed like it could impinge my autonomy or privacy. It's tricky on either side of this issue. I hear you. I’m going to think about the things you’ve said. I guess I was just surprised to hear from him at all- when it seemed to me that he was probably comfortable with never speaking to me or seeing me again. Again conjecture. I just felt that him initiating contact with me (for the first time since February) is bound to create confusion. And although I do understand, I don’t understand. Sigh- Don’t mind me- I’m just ranting a bit... Oh, I totally get it. Honestly my whole relationship with the person I am involved with has been a huge learning curve and was very confusing and painful for quite a while. It's been the only one where I had emotional growth toward intimacy though. That would be true even if it would have ended long ago. We've been involved in different levels and capacities over time. I think the real clincher for us being able to remain in close contact has been a deep loneliness of a familiar kind and having similar internal landscapes. But there still has been a lot of difficulty. I think we would have driven each other away more easily if we were different types, like anxious/avoidant. We've triggered that in each other, too- it's been kind of messy at times. Ultimately we are so similar it has created obstacles but also facilitated their removal. It's a double edged sword to be DA/DA but also, we both have been in individual therapy over all this time, he whole time and me part of the time with the other parts spent studying and working specifically on attachment. We've been individually growing on our own in our own personal issues and kept that very separate but it's been very helpful to bridge to each other too. This situation will still help refine your awareness either way, I'm sorry it's uncomfortable tho. Been there. |
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Post by areum0 on Jul 7, 2019 20:32:38 GMT
I hear you. I’m going to think about the things you’ve said. I guess I was just surprised to hear from him at all- when it seemed to me that he was probably comfortable with never speaking to me or seeing me again. Again conjecture. I just felt that him initiating contact with me (for the first time since February) is bound to create confusion. And although I do understand, I don’t understand. Sigh- Don’t mind me- I’m just ranting a bit... Oh, I totally get it. Honestly my whole relationship with the person I am involved with has been a huge learning curve and was very confusing and painful for quite a while. It's been the only one where I had emotional growth toward intimacy though. That would be true even if it would have ended long ago. We've been involved in different levels and capacities over time. I think the real clincher for us being able to remain in close contact has been a deep loneliness of a familiar kind and having similar internal landscapes. But there still has been a lot of difficulty. I think we would have driven each other away more easily if we were different types, like anxious/avoidant. We've triggered that in each other, too- it's been kind of messy at times. Ultimately we are so similar it has created obstacles but also facilitated their removal. It's a double edged sword to be DA/DA but also, we both have been in individual therapy over all this time, he whole time and me part of the time with the other parts spent studying and working specifically on attachment. We've been individually growing on our own in our own personal issues and kept that very separate but it's been very helpful to bridge to each other too. This situation will still help refine your awareness either way, I'm sorry it's uncomfortable tho. Been there. What was your and your partners journey towards working together to create a sustainable relationship like? Did you have to reach a real low point? How is it you felt you could try with each other, whereas maybe another person you wouldn’t have tried with? As a DA you don’t necessarily feel the need for companionship, is that correct? Sometimes I just wonder what it takes for a person to get to a point where they actively try to figure out why they are functioning the way they are and if there is a way for them to make a better lives for themselves. As for myself and my DA- we have always felt that we were extremely alike- in tastes and sentiment and personality (apart from our attachment types). In the back of my mind- I somehow feel that even this haphazard form of communication that I’ve been getting from him might not be “awarded” to someone else if he didn’t care about them. That Maybe it would be too much trouble. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 21:17:35 GMT
Oh, I totally get it. Honestly my whole relationship with the person I am involved with has been a huge learning curve and was very confusing and painful for quite a while. It's been the only one where I had emotional growth toward intimacy though. That would be true even if it would have ended long ago. We've been involved in different levels and capacities over time. I think the real clincher for us being able to remain in close contact has been a deep loneliness of a familiar kind and having similar internal landscapes. But there still has been a lot of difficulty. I think we would have driven each other away more easily if we were different types, like anxious/avoidant. We've triggered that in each other, too- it's been kind of messy at times. Ultimately we are so similar it has created obstacles but also facilitated their removal. It's a double edged sword to be DA/DA but also, we both have been in individual therapy over all this time, he whole time and me part of the time with the other parts spent studying and working specifically on attachment. We've been individually growing on our own in our own personal issues and kept that very separate but it's been very helpful to bridge to each other too. This situation will still help refine your awareness either way, I'm sorry it's uncomfortable tho. Been there. Your question: What was your and your partners journey towards working together to create a sustainable relationship like? My Answer: In the beginning we only wanted casual sex and to not be completely alone in our lives but did not share anything emotionally. Your question: Did you have to reach a real low point? A: We have been apart both acrimoniously and with great sadness a couple of times. Your question: How is it you felt you could try with each other, whereas maybe another person you wouldn’t have tried with? A: Neither of us wanted a committed relationship or could emotionally handle a sense of permanence because of the fundamental DA wounding. It's horrendous to approach and very difficult to overcome. As such, we felt most ok in a distant and totally independent relationship lifestyle that would have been completely intolerable for most people on the planet it seems. Both very emotionally wounded and wanting to connect in a way that would have been rudimentary for some but was a big deal to me, and over time, him. A shared language, as dismissives, helped. A shared way of being together that didn't arouse conflict, helped. Tons of insecurity along the way that was ultimately not able to extinguish an emotional bond that grew over just not being able to say goodbye so we just worked with it and changed over time. Your question: As a DA you don’t necessarily feel the need for companionship, is that correct? I have recently felt a longing for companionship and felt able to avail myself to a real relationship with him, although my threads today reveal the deep way that continues to trigger me in spite of my longing and willingness to allow it to happen. Sometimes I just wonder what it takes for a person to get to a point where they actively try to figure out why they are functioning the way they are and if there is a way for them to make a better lives for themselves. My response to the above: Being in midlife and feeling the vulnerability of hardship and losses, which at times seemed insurmountable, has led both of us to a sense of wanting to find companionship and partnership to provide warmth and support. How can I describe what has happened for us individually to get us here, other than perhaps it is a life path and a culmination of many spiritual and emotional and physical things along the way that made us both come to a place to start another level of intimacy together, one that is healing to both of us and meets us both where we are at. The stars aligned, our paths aligned or something. It's an individual and personal thing. As for myself and my DA- we have always felt that we were extremely alike- in tastes and sentiment and personality (apart from our attachment types). In the back of my mind- I somehow feel that even this haphazard form of communication that I’ve been getting from him might not be “awarded” to someone else if he didn’t care about them. That Maybe it would be too much trouble. My response: that may be. However, if he isn't consciously aware of a readiness to try a deeper connection then his life just doesn't have him there. There are many other facets to personal development and coming to authenticity that don't have to do with a romantic relationship, and the focus for a DA if he is on will be on those other areas that are also valid and make up his whole person. An anxious and avoidant drive is very different fundamentally. Even when both move to secure the differences are just fundamental. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 21:18:17 GMT
and sorry for the weird format my editor is not cooperative on my phone.
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