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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 15:20:09 GMT
anne12, I would specifically appreciate your support and advice if you are available to help me. This is because you seem to have a trove of information and understanding about the various styles and the patterns/physiological impacts of each. I have posted before that there were logistic/life obstacles that have prevented my DA boyfriend and I from moving forward in our romantic relationship. Recently those obstacles have been removed, and yesterday it became clear that he is ready to move forward to resume and deepen our relationship. We have been involved about three years. We do have a strong foundation of trust and intimacy. I continue to learn about myself and grow, and every time I hit a new level of awareness about emotional intimacy and how to be in relationship I am amazed and thankful. Yesterday he and I reunited intimately, after deepening discussions about our relationship and what we value in it and what we feel for each other. These talks were the most candid and raw and actually beautiful (and vulnerable) discussions we have had to date. I am ok and want this relationship in a real sense and when I am not triggered I know I can do it. I want to be with him permanently. Our time yesterday was so intimate and natural that it makes me sad and I can't explain why other than I feel a tremendous sense of impending loss over things I cannot control. Like agint and death! I know it sounds strange. But it's so real. I feel it in my chest. I feel a pinch and some tightness in my chest. I tried last night to just stay present and not let my mind drift to fear of losing him, he is just a little older than me (less than 10 years) so it's not this huge age gap but at middle age I see our vulnerabilities to health issues differently- at a certain age you seem to have to begin to fight things off and he is ahead of me in that regard. I am just fine when we are friends and love each other, I feel stronger to face all of life no matter what with him. I am triggered into feeling so afraid to lose him to a health issue. He just overcame something that was an obstacle and it's all good. But yesterday I felt myself deactivating a little out of this fear. It's so insane. I have remained attached and loyal to him in my heart all this time and the reality of us being together finally is almost too much to bear although I have always (well, a long time) wanted this. I ended up sending an appreciative good night message as though these feelings weren't hitting me. Staying consistent. And then I went to sleep and slept well and feel a lot better but I woke up realizing I have more to do to address this. I am afraid of letting him down! Out of my fear of losing him to- aging and death. But I have taken care of people close to me who died so it isn't that- it's this deep abandonment fear that most of the time I am not too aware of. This is what triggers me to avoidance and needing to reassure myself that "I am ok! I am best alone!" All of the dismissive self soothing comes in. All of the rote sayings that I really believe and make true, all my life, as long as I can remember. I am so tired of this internal conflict. I just want to be normal. Normal people just love. I love and fear. I am so discouraged. Anyway, right now I am so thankful that we both need decompression after and intense intimate time. It helps me I relax and feel less risk while I work with my feelings of love and vulnerability. I don't want to keep going through this but I know I have to accept it is part of my makeup that I am trying to change and re-set. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should try to just reach and be consistent as if all is as usual or take some space and let him also, so we can naturally ebb and flow and adjust to our deepening intimacy. Also I don't know what exactly to do about that ache and pinch in my chest . It's gone because I slept, I guess. I just feel sad and a little overwhelmed. I don't feel normal! Normally I just love and feel comfortable with him, but that's been with space and a lot of independence and yesterday, lately actually, things are changing and it's remarkable but new territory. So anne12 if you have any insight and can help me understand or know what I can do I would appreciate the help. I cannot afford therapy and frankly I have not found a therapist that can help me with attachment things as deep and as instantaneous as this. I don't want to wait a few days for a darn appointment to address this, it feels very pressing. I don't think there are many DA on this board but maybe some FA can relate or share their advice also? I don't know if we react the same way to this stuff. My DA girlfriend is hurting from a breakup of a non-relationship (stinking attachment crap!) right now and I cannot put her through this, it would just be painful for her and for me also because I am sad for her disappointment.
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Post by anne12 on Jul 7, 2019 16:12:32 GMT
Hi Sherry That sounds great That You and your ex want to move on with a real relationship. Congratulation. IT sounds like You are beginning to feel. Do You know about the paradoxial change method ? (IT is for All attatchment styles) Letting what ever comes Up, allowed to Be there. Say IT out loud or inside your self. You can put a hand om your Heart and Imagine That You are breathing in and out through your Heart. If IT is fear You can tell the fear That IT is okay fear, now That You are here You are allowed to Be here right now. If You got some resistense You can say to the resistente That You are also allowed to Be here right now That You are here. When You say "right now" You are telling yourself That the feeling is not going to last forever. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1128/accepting-paradoxial-change-methodTry to look in the selfregulation thread and try to use some of the exercises. Also the watertank exercise can Be helpfull when an avoidant start to feel ect. Also look in the healing avoidant thread. Maybe I Will Get back later. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 16:24:09 GMT
Hi Sherry That sounds great That You and your ex want to move on with a real relationship. Congratulation. IT sounds like You are beginning to feel. Do You know about the paradoxial change method ? (IT is for All attatchment styles) Letting what ever comes Up, allowed to Be there. Say IT out loud or inside your self. You can put a hand om your Heart and Imagine That You are breathing in and out through your Heart. If IT is fear You can tell the fear That IT is okay fear, now That You are here You are allowed to Be here right now. If You got some resistense You can say to the resistente That You are also allowed to Be here right now That You are here. When You say "right now" You are telling yourself That the feeling is not going to last forever. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1128/accepting-paradoxial-change-methodTry to look in the selfregulation thread and try to use some of the exercises. Also the watertank exercise can Be helpfull when an avoidant start to feel ect. Also look in the healing avoidant thread. Maybe I Will Get back later. Thank you so much for your understanding and support. I will try to do these exercises although I am overwhelmed at the idea of allowing even more feeling right now! I have done so much work to be present to my feelings and have gotten good at a LOT of it. Such as the sadness, anger, grief, etc of healing childhood things, losing people close to me, feeling joy and happiness in connection, etc. But this is a whole new depth and level because it's actually a relationship that is achievable. Maybe. We both have to continue to take it slow I am sure (which is laughable at three years in. It's taken that long to get to where we are. Anyone else might have given up long ago. But it's taken us that long to wade in.) He sent a typical good morning message (normal for us) which helped me snap into "normal" a little bit. We don't rely on text for deep stuff that's just the little morning /evening ritual). So I will just be "regular" while I also go deeper with myself today. Its a day off so I have more time to be and think and feel and I will try not to escape it all. I got tears in my eyes reading your kind response to me so I know I am just a little over the top vulnerable right now. Maybe it's hormones. Ugh. I don't feel strong and confident like usual. I guess because it's so close. I honestly really admire and am somewhat mystified at how people just do this and build relationships and just participate in them like it's natural. What a nice gift to have. |
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Post by anne12 on Jul 7, 2019 16:35:41 GMT
If IT feels overwhelming you can use the watertank exercise to Regulate the nerveussystem or You can try the grounding exercise through the eyes. IT cant remember where I posted the exercise. IT can Be a good exercise for the avoidant. Use pendulation if You can or just connect to the surface You are on.
Also orient ect.
♥️
Also reaching out to a Friend can maybe help You ?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 16:44:08 GMT
I will look for the water tank exercise.
Do you think it's a bad idea for me to just put this down for a little bit? Or is that going backwards?
What I want to do more than anything is ground myself in my own space and activities. I want to dive into my independence and solitude right now, but I am aware that I might be using old coping techniques. Is that so bad though? Should I take the time to regulate another way like with those exercises?
I'm going to get ready for my day and come back to the forum in a little while.
Thank you for your responses I will come back after a while. I have decided while typing this that O have to come back later and maybe next time at can stay with it a little longer for the exercises. I will have them found and ready for next time. Many thanks! I will get there.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 16:44:50 GMT
❤️😢
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Post by anne12 on Jul 7, 2019 17:35:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 18:01:39 GMT
I will watch this in just a few minutes! I hope it doesn't invalidate what I have come to for the moment hahaha! So, I took a shower and ate something and did some thinking. I realize that we have had a lot of deep conversation lately, over the last week or so especially. It was really good and I realized that I had never said the things to him, that I felt inside. Not the very deep things about how I view him and our situation and life itself. We had had a conflict and devolved into some stupid (i should say defensive, note to self.... more compassion) reactive things. We both moved toward communication instead of away ultimately. We were able to talk voice to voice but not able to be face to face on the day it all came to a head. I didn't realize that I had not shared my deepest self with him. I have spent a lot of time getting in touch with my own feelings and capacity for love and had been behaving out of that and expressing things that were relevant along the way , and it's true that we have become more intimate but I had never really laid out the depth of my commitment and intention to him. I somehow thought he understood it. So anyway, things changed after that. It's almost like he melted. And like I melted. It created a new standard for our relating. He thanked me and said "This will help me. I am going to ask for your help. This is what I need." So. Our love language I guess you would say, has always been acts of service instead of all that deep talking. It's great that we came to the place we did and we will return there I am certain but I think that for today I want to stay grounded by returning to my love language with him, which is to be kind and consistent and do something helpful and practical for him. I don't feel I need to run and take space, Mentally, I want to continue to invest myself in him and our bond by relaxing at home and cooking something for him. He is busy with his hobby today and I am so happy for him because he is trying to balance his life with less work and more fun, in addition to making time for the relationships with people who care for him. He has good friends in his hobby. His health has improved again and he can hopefully go have a blast and connect. I am cooking today for my family and I am going to make him some extra and take it to him tomorrow. That's what I am going to do to show up for our friendship. As for my feelings, it helps a lot to even just read what is written here by you anne12, about allowing the feelings to be with me even as I just walk on the same path with my bond. Nothing enormous has to change for me today, I have loved him and been connected to him quite a while and I can just keep it up. Nothing has to change that much today. I am definitely going to pull up and get familiar with the exercises to practice. I want to not get as far into deactivating and fear as I did last night when we have close time together. So I will be working on that. Over all it's good progress that I recreated my account and addressed the issue here today. Baby steps. Thanks again! I'm working on it. I'll watch that video now. In kind of having to force that but I think it's a good idea even if it might trigger me a bit , and even though I don't really want to think about all this at the moment. It won't kill me! Right? lol ugh |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 18:40:43 GMT
That made me weep and feel deeply thankful and moved and I remember I saw that in his eyes yesterday, when we were intimate. I felt it again when we had a long hug but I pushed back the ache in my throat that wanted to cry. We just hugged tight a long time and then acted all casual and it was a relief. But yes that is a very deep and emotional experience for me. I am laying outside in the sun and I am just going to be with that softness, no one is around and I can cry. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2019 19:25:56 GMT
I cried a hot stream of emotion as I laid there and let this sink in. I am not sure it has a name but I would say it's a combination of
relief
grief
gratitude, very deep and touching gratitude.
fear
happiness
and a sense of coming home to a home I didn't know I had or was missing or had been gone from?
Like it's also too good to be true.
or, Like maybe wandering forever as a way of life and being glad to sit down not alone and stop wandering. But looking at the door. I like being in this place but I also don't know if I can stay.
It's a lot of feeling but it doesn't feel bad it just feels deep and human and important. It does feel healing.
Anyway, without being able to make total sense of it, it was something that clearly needed expression and still does as my eyes cry automatically as I write this.
I can't stay in the feeling for more than moments at a time which is why I am stopping and replying to other threads.
I think I will just go cook. But thank you for all of this.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2019 0:52:05 GMT
By the way, I feel good and normal again. I'm cooking some food and have been in contact with him normally just being us with no intensity or trigger for me. I look forward to taking him some food tomorrow, it is a really sincere thing for me to do and means a lot because I offer it with my heart. I really do, it's a big deal. He knows it's because I love him. So that's the way we have always been and that's the way we can continue to be even with changes to our depth. That's comforting.
For me it's really the little stuff that keeps me steady. Practicalities make me feel stable and real and consistent and able to show up in a way that matters day by day. That's how I have to do this.
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Post by anne12 on Jul 11, 2019 6:39:37 GMT
@sherry I You were raised in a home with alcoholic parents, mental ilness ect. and You also have had an accident IT sounds like you've also got some disorganised attatchmentstyle/trauma in You. Not only avoidant.attatchmentstyle.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2019 9:49:44 GMT
@sherry I You were raised in a home with alcoholic parents, mental ilness ect. and You also have had an accident IT sounds like you've also got some disorganised attatchmentstyle/trauma in You. Not only avoidant.attatchmentstyle. Yes, disorganized makes up a small section of my pie, with the largest bit being secure and dismissive. Anxious and disorganized are small . I have done trauma work though. I have noticed periods of my life (especially after the accident ) where disorganized seemed to be at play, and there was a lot of turmoil in me and in my relationship. although it's hard to tell what was going on because I also had a concussion that impacted me for a while. I was in a relationship that triggered some FA type things in me when I was younger but I struggle to remember everything clearly, I've tried to analyze it but I was shut down a lot as this was before any counseling at all in my life. I've tried to dig deep when I read of FA accounts of internal states or patterns here, and its really hard to relate, although I did find some commonalities in that one thread I made on avoidant confusion. It seems any anxiety manifests in me as avoidance though, dismissiveness is my first unconscious response to losses or threats. I think when I was younger it was different, much younger in my twenties. I had one relationship in that decade, I dont have a large sample size to analyze. Does this make sense? I've tried to find the manifestations of the different styles in me. It's hard to parse it all out. |
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Post by anne12 on Jul 11, 2019 11:31:40 GMT
(it can only be 5% of your attatchmentstyle all in all - but it can give you a lot of trouble in your lovelife).
A trained se/attatchment therapist can help You to find out. IT is also how You move, how your skin looks, You voice sounds, what's happening with You feet, your han arms ect. when the therapist uses different tools in therapy. If He/she is good he/she Will microanalyse You. Also checking out how You react being touched ect.
And will also ask about your life and your relationships. We are not able to remember on a cognotie level what have happend to is before We were about 3 years old.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2019 11:50:03 GMT
(it can only be 5% of your attatchmentstyle all in all - but it can give you a lot of trouble in your lovelife). A trained se/attatchment therapist can help You to find out. IT is also how You move, how your skin looks, You voice sounds, what's happening with You feet, your han arms ect. when the therapist uses different tools in therapy. If He/she is good he/she Will microanalyse You. Also checking out how You react being touched ect. And will also ask about your life and your relationships. We are not able to remember on a cognotie level what have happend to is before We were about 3 years old. We don't have many therapist that work with in AT in my area. I saw one, for a while. There is one SE therapist who is very expensive. It's interesting, it shows in skin? I can see how it would show up in movement. My boyfriend and my clients say my presence is calm. Is disorganized high strung? I imagine active and buzzy energy but I don't know. Even my fear of loss is so low key, it is like so much rumbles below the surface in me sometimes. I can explode if I am over stressed or exhausted- but mostly I retreat under heavy emotions. Even loneliness, I retreat when it seems like reaching out would be most logical. Anyway, maybe some day I will budget for the expensive therapist. |
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