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Post by lilyg on Jul 8, 2019 16:17:15 GMT
Hi, I recently read Jeb's book as a follow-up to Attached, and luckily found this thread. I'm having a hard time navigating things with a DA/FA (not sure exactly which one, but likely DA). I was more secure and acted so early on, but I've recently become more on the AP side. TL;DL— Dating a guy (DA/FA) for 5 months, think he's being distant because we started to get too close / he was vulnerable, but not sure, and not sure how to proceed. We had a big talk about a month ago, and I gave him an easy out after, but he didn't take it. It's been over a week since he's reached out. Details: We met last year in person, texted for 3ish months, but never actually met up again in person despite a good initial connection/decent texting. I ran into him at the beginning of this year, and he said he was super sick that's why he fell off. We started texting again— almost everyday with him being a little distant couple of times. Then after out first date—which was great/naturally great connection still, that kicked off us texting everyday and seeing each other mostly every couple weeks until the beginning of May. Some quick highlights of that 3-month period: He was never good about talking about himself and always vague and reaching out with statements not questions (never like "how are you?" etc); more verbally affectionate when drinking— to the point of listing reasons he liked me, coming to find me at a bar he thought I'd be at, etc; sexually things were good, super sweet and connected (we didn't have sex right away but after a couple dates); he'd hold my hand; when we weren't together, he'd also text at night about his night like checking in in a way; etc At the end of April, in person after a great evening, I voiced that I wanted to see him more frequently and that I felt he'd been distant (only very slightly, but little did I know what distant was at that point). He said he wasn't distant because of anything I did and said he'd try to let me know when he goes in his hole. He didn't respond to hanging out more. So I let it go, and was chill. Our next date, early May, he was kind of off. Then he also let me know then something came up and he couldn't see me the next day as I had planned. He didn't invite me over because he was feeling sick. We continued to text, but things started getting a little slower. The next week he then mentioned meeting up again but flaked saying he was sick. Texting continued, but not as frequent as before. We almost hung out once later in the month, but it didn't work out (on me kind of). At the end of May, while out of town, he opened up about some personal stuff. I said I wanted to talk more in person when he was back and was very verbal about my support. He fell off the rest of his trip minus a couple of words. A day after he got back, he invited me over— after he'd had some drinks that day. We talked about it, and then unfortunately— because of my anxiety— I pushed a conversation about "what are we?" I told him I wanted to see him more, which triggered him and he was kind of rude, and saying were going in different directions in a couple of years etc. Before that, he said he liked me etc. Then after the trigger/rudeness, he was super, super sweet affectionate after etc. The next morning, he looked deeply upset, but wouldn't talk about anything. He said his stomach hurt, and I then went home so he could go to work. He texted me from work. Overall that night minus weird hiccup in conversation was very good, super close, morning ended with him hugging/kissing me, etc. That next week I texted two tiny things and he responded but it felt distant. I pulled back because I wasn't sure if our conversation meant he didn't want to be with me or not. I think I just got into my head about his "shut down" words after I complained about not seeing him enough (as he asked if I was counting)... which I get now is an avoidance trigger — but also I wanted to see if he's come to me. He finally reach out a week later which a very low impact text. Then two days later with a text that indicated he realized he hurt my feelings/had been distant. He mentioned in a weird way if he could come over, but I was about to go to sleep and had my friend over. He inquired — in his weird way— if my friend in town was someone I was seeing etc. He seemed to get "butt hurt" when I didn't feed into his inquiring. (I wasn't playing games, but it was just a friend.) The last couple of weeks, we've been texting some. He interacted via social media (which he hadn't previously done with me.) But he never asked to hang out, and I didn't ask because I felt I was super clear in our big conversation that's what I wanted. The week before last, he reached out twice. The last time he reached out, he mentioned a measure he was taking to improve himself. I reached out the next day about something about me, he was super short but said busy at work when I ask how his day way. I reached out twice more with general "hope you're well..." bs statements because it was a big weekend for him, and I haven't heard anything back. It's been a week since my last text. I'm confused why he didn't take the out I gave him when I pulled back after our conversation. I really feel like he really likes me and we have a really good connection, as it's super strong for me. Esp when we're together in person. But why did he come back if he was just going to go missing again? Seems like he's just deactivating... plus I know he's dealing with depression/some stuff too... so I want to be supportive, but I feel like that pushes him away. Do I just wait for him to come back? Or do I reach out? It's strange that you are asking us why didn't he go away when you give him an out? I mean... this is comfortable for him. It's obvious he likes you but that he does not want a serious relationship for whatever reasons. What do you want? Do you want a relationship with this guy? Are you happy with what you two have? Why did you gave him an out but continued to be in a place that is not satisfying for you (by your post I suppose you want a relationship with him, and I understand! it's reasonable after 5 months)? Just my two cents  I would leave him alone and make time for myself and think about what I really want. If you want a relationship say so and tell him that you want something different and understand whatever he prefers, that you want him to be happy and that if he wants to try to work it out that you hope you're still available. |
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Post by lilyg on Jul 8, 2019 17:10:44 GMT
Thanks LilyG. I guess by giving him an out I mean I pulled back and let him come to me, and he did. I was trying to give him space, as I’m doing now to not activate his avoidance more. But you’re right, I’m not saying what I want. I do want to be in a relationship with him, but I’m also truly- as I’ve thought about this a lot- ok now taking it slow. I want to be there for him cause he’s going through a lot, and I want to tell him “I want to be there for you, I’m not worried about defining us” but I’m scared it’ll push him away if I reach out again... since he hasn’t responded to my last two “hope things settled down for you” / “hope you had a good weekend.” ** but I know he doesn’t respond well to these statements and I usually don’t say them often That’s why I’m unsure if I should reach out or wait til he comes to me. I feel like I’m just abandoning things by not texting and trying to communicate how I feel and if I were him (which I’m not), I would think I gave up cause I know he knows I usually ask for what I want..., but I also know I’m really AP right now and so trying to do the best to not hurt our chances. While the two week long spaces in the past month (one in early June and one now) have been confusing, I’m also thankful to have learned so much more - including about my anxious tendencies. So yeh, that’s why I’m not sure if I should wait til he comes to me or reach out? Or maybe I wait another week to reach out? (That would be 2 weeks of NC) I understand. I didn't know he was going through something. Hmm I would not contact him again. Maybe you can wait a week and then just tell him you are there for him and that you'll give him space. What I don't want you is to accept a friendship when you want a relationship. It tends to drive the one waiting anxious and it can become a trap. Be sure to be honest to yourself about if you're standing were you want. |
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Post by lilyg on Jul 8, 2019 17:11:51 GMT
I focus on you because I have no idea about how feelings or thoughts on this! Being honest with him is the best policy. Believe him.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 8, 2019 22:02:12 GMT
Thanks! In typical avoidant behavior, he seems to be avoiding discussing the issue... and I think he's probably avoiding me because he doesn't want to talk about it. It's so hard to feel like I'm just feeding into his mistrust for people / assumption that people will let him down — as I know that's a core avoidant trait. I'm so worried he'll think that I just abandoned / gave up on him because of what he told me... do they do that? So, here's the trick. If someone has an insecure attachment style, any one of the three, and isn't both aware of it and unhappy enough about it to be doing their own work through it, it doesn't really matter if you act "perfectly" or not. You can never actively trigger that person, but they will still find a way to cause a problem and sabotage things because that is their internal narrative that you neither caused nor can fix. You may be able to keep things together longer, but there is a foregone conclusion unless the person is ready on their own to participate in the same type of close and trusting relationship you say you want. I've had something happen to me multiple times with FA and AP non-romantic friends since I became more secure and not tolerating as much protest behavior in the name of keeping the peace. Basically, I'd observe them get really angry at people and lash out during anxiety tantrums, and break up friendships that way. And I thought, it's only a matter of time after we get closer that they'll eventually do the same to me, no matter how much I know about attachment theory and avoid triggering them. I just feel something inherently unstable in these friendships, even if they'd lasted for YEARS. Plus, it's an AP tendency to be willing to walk on eggshells to try to regulate someone else. That is a bad thing, and breeds codependency. Anyway, when I'd observed these patterns with others, and they ran out of other close friends, it would eventually happen they'd do it to me. One was an FA male friend who spent a lot of time sharing about his chaotic romantic relationships with me. He didn't have that many female friends, and I distinctly remember thinking... he's always got women around him, and has issues with all of them in a dating capacity, and if he's ever single... my gut tells me he's going to take those gender issues out on me. That turned out to be exactly what he did. I didn't do anything to cause issues between us. The funny thing is, he actually knew that. He came back two months later, full of apologies, saying he knew I'd done nothing wrong and it was all him. He'd gone through a rough time and needed a friend, so I said okay, I was there for him, I gave him another friend chance. Within a week, he did the same thing. It wasn't another angry outburst, but it was another equally inconsistent and inconsiderate action that was designed to create distance. He apologized again, and I said I was disappointed that I was there as soon as he needed me and he still treated me that way and didn't know what else to say. We were never friends again. I didn't include DA in the example, but generally it doesn't come with a blowup, because they drop off in interaction before then. But I've had DA exes flat out tell me they're terrible boyfriends and describe what they've done over and over to others. Some were in therapy, one in particular was just completely self-accepting and said he'd never change but would be okay because he stopped pursuing romantic relationships, only casual hookups. I actually respected the honesty and self-awareness. To wrap this up, I don't think of all insecurely attached people this way. This is specifically some more selfish examples who take their issues out on other people. But it's just taught me that you can't change anything if you're caught up in someone else's unaware cycle. If they are GOING to believe that everyone will abandon or engulf them, they will eventually project that on you because that it their core belief set of defense mechanisms they haven't addressed. If they aren't GOING to believe things about everyone, they'll find a way to work it out to not do that. It's much more about where they are in their process than about you, unless you are being fully insecure triggered and taking your issues out on them, too. The best thing to do in any situation is examine your own behavior so that you're not leaking and projecting your own issues and triggering others in that way (which is in your control). You're secure enough to treat others with respect for who they are and what they need without being codependent. Past that, let people go through their own process. It's not your fault or problem that he's avoidant, so don't make it so. It's totally okay to ask for what you need, and you don't need to apologize for having done that. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2019 14:36:19 GMT
This sounds like a casual relationship rather than dating, meaning intended for some snuggling and hookups rather than deepening emotional involvement. That's what I get from your description as far as the amount (or lack of) time investment and infrequency.
I think it it easy for AP to overestimate the emotional connection, as perhaps they are looking for signs of interest/growing intimacy.
If that is the case here, and this guy does happen to be DA, he would not have been sharing personal problems to "open up" and develop greater emotional intimacy. Personal stressors are handled internally and independently by DA , that is the natural and deep response to stress. He would have been clueing you in to stressors to let you know he has limited interest and will be giving limited time and investment. It can be seen as an excuse offered so as to 1) lower your expectation and 2) not hurt your feelings and 3) avoid The Talk or 4) conduct The Talk in his own avoidant way that doesn't address your different expectations but let's you know he's not really available the way you want him to be.
If he is casual in his interest and you're looking for a bond then he will feel in a bind( if he is selfish, and most insecure i mean ALL insecure are, constantly trying to steer things where they want them in spite of a partner not being on the same page. ) because he doesn't want to be an ass and also probably thinks you've been ok with casual and now it seems you want more. But he likes the tipsy fun episodes of whatever you guys do together (hanging out and sex).
I would definitely not guess that this is deactivation due to growing intimacy or vulnerability. That's taken about three years to develop in myself , as a DA, now that things have moved to a deeper level that my fellow DA and I have been working on for three years. It's a totally separate thing from just trying to keep someone at bay. The intimacy is real and took a long time to establish, the bond took a long time (we get to depth excruciatingly slowly even if we get hooked on sex and the idea of companionship sooner).
It's pretty natural for a DA to want a relationship that is more of a non-relationship , providing only the things they feel a lack of (sex, some light affection, the sense of not being totally alone and being somewhat like other people, because yeah we accept that we are in the fringe emotionally and in terms of independent lifestyle).
This is not what a lot of people are looking for but it really fits the bill for a DA who isn't aware of what's going on inside. A side situation that puts the cherry on life, not a deepening commitment leading to marriage and getting serious and more involved.
I'm only sharing my thoughts as a DA, I have no idea his attachment style or situation as he would have to explain it himself.
But in summary my impression is you are over emphasizing your bond and connection (over what he is estimating) and he has taken distance because that is what he wants not because he is scared of getting close.
His attempts to push you back were met with verbal expressions of support (he doesn't want or need that, he wants and needs you to not be so interested) and also met with requests for more time (he probably has a sense he should be direct and may be annoyed at being in that situation because he was just tryna be casual and he thought he gave that out).
My advice would be drop it and move on to a situation that doesn't have you guessing and mindreading.
Because I don't get the sense you are able to keep it that simple because my impression is you are AP, I would suggest studying your own attachment style and trying to be objective and see the issues in yourself that have you attaching to someone who is showing very very little interest in you emotionally.
I'm sorry that's not easy to hear but it may be helpful if that is what's really going on here.
Don't make it about him. He is not making it about you and wondering how to build something with you, if he is DA. This is not how an interested DA behaves.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2019 14:48:26 GMT
The biggest clue is that he became annoyed and said you two are going separate directions in a couple years.
That would be a huge indication that he doesn't see this as having a future, and possibly he used that as a basis for engaging casually in a lesser capacity with a temporary time frame in mind.
If he was interested in a future he would be talking about one. His response to me indicates that he thought you guys were on the same casual page and he didn't expect or want serious stuff to come up.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2019 13:48:39 GMT
I'm having a hard time with this post of yours and here is why.
This man is depressed and just started taking medicine for it, and your reaction to that is to look for clues as to whether he wants a relationship with you because he shared that with you?
You're here obsessing about if he is relationship material, and he's trying to treat depression.
I'm not saying you're horrible, I'm saying, step back, and look at this.
Also, I don't want to engage further on it, as it triggers me. I've had depression at times in my life, and taken medicine. To think that someone was lurking in a tree wondering about their odds with me instead of just listening to me "open up" and step back and let me figure myself out makes me kind of sick. Maybe he wants a future with you, who knows. But most depressed people are having a hard time seeing a future with themselves, and are really struggling to figure things out.
Now is not the time to be concerned about your emotional agenda or try to figure out his. I withdraw from this conversation and wish you the best.
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Post by mrob on Jul 10, 2019 14:00:34 GMT
I’d say another FA, not DA. People get this mixed up frequently because they feel dismissed. He’s doing the FA cycle. Do you want to be involved in this? This could go on indefinitely!
If you have not read Jeb’s Bad Boyfriends book, do it. Save yourself years of hell.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 10, 2019 15:32:04 GMT
I agree with @sherry. If he's starting mental health treatment, he needs to use all his energy to focus on himself. Don't try to read the tea leaves at this time or make anything he does about you. He can't have a romantic relationship if he's not right with himself, nor should he be worrying about pressure from you.
You can say something supportive and that you're available if he wants to talk, but leave it at that and then use his example for putting effort into self-growth as inspiration to focus on yourself and dig into your AP. Why do you want to keep pushing for someone who is currently emotionally unavailable to you?
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Post by alexandra on Jul 10, 2019 17:13:03 GMT
caro, thanks for the additional details. Telling him you're supportive of him taking care of himself and available if he wants to reach out and talk, then letting him come to you gives both of you space and autonomy. You can even briefly mention that you've struggled with some of these issues also so know it takes a lot of effort to take those first steps, which is something to feel good about. If he starts reaching out regularly, then mirror his behavior. But for now, let him take the lead and try to focus back on your own process in the meantime. Don't focus on how to be supportive because that still puts your focus on him and creates pressure. You both need space to regulate yourselves. Trying extremely hard to figure out how to compensate for his avoidant attachment is actually codependent and doesn't help either of you.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2019 20:50:43 GMT
I'm going to keep this simple.
Any insecurely attached person who is not aware and working on their own issues is not capable of a healthy relationship , especially with another insecurely attached individual.
Working on yourself means taking the focus off of him and putting it squarely on you.
There is no differences between disinterest and deactivation at this point. The end result is the same. Think about that. Just ponder that instead of trying to figure him out. Figure out what you react to, whether it's disinterest or deactivation. You aren't his therapist and I am tell you this- I've seen a shit ton of posters on here thinking they have an inkling of the other person because they asked questions and read a book. The outcome? The relationship fails without exception when the PERSON IN QUESTION is not asking questions about themselves.
As long as you can say one sentence about some dysfunction in yourself, you have enough work to do.
As far as how to support, For most ADULTS, who can hear or read and have an understanding of the language you are speaking, a simple "I care about what you're going through, and I'm available should you want any support 59 talk or whatever." is enough. Really. It's adequate.
He's an adult and has his own process and he can do it with or without you in his life. If he chooses to include you, you will know. If not, leave it alone. Perhaps the best way to support another adult who is already taking care of themselves without you (he informed you of the steps e is taking, you didn't tell him what to do I assume) is to have good boundaries and let them adult.
He understood you the first time you said you are supportive. Don't beat it into the ground. His response is an indication that he would probably like you to let him do what he needs to do.
A DA shows interest with consistency. If they are not capable of that, you might as well see that as disinterest. Why? because you need consistency and all relationships do, so desire without the work it takes to fulfill it means "interest" is NOT ENOUGH.
Capacity for relationship MATTERS.
Let him get healthier . You have plenty of work to focus on in yourself.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2019 3:32:43 GMT
Thanks Alexandra and Sherry. I agree with you both and appreciate your input and directness. I have acknowledged before and do so again here that I know I have a lot of work to do on myself. I am the hardest on myself, so it doesn’t go blind to me that I have many things I need to fix. In these posts, I’ve been trying to gain perspective of what helps other people/types as I know myself and what helps me / etc So I really appreciate your input. I know that I have to work out things like abandonment issues, fear of rejection, self-confidence and minimizing my go-to notion of I’m not good enough, etc, etc. I’m in therapy as well to help and finallllly found a decent therapist - it’s so hard! He has opened up and let me in just by him telling me, I highly value that as I know how hard it is and I was asking about support so I can be the most respectful and supportive I can be. I know that because of my specific insecurities I worry people won’t think I’m being there enough or that I’m there too much, as for a long time I felt under supported growing up and think people will just give up etc so I worry others have that fear... Anyway, again, appreciate the support and please know I’m coming from a place of just wanting to help and at the right level. I do understand. I really do. I'll share a little bit about why and maybe you will relate. First- the books can never give you the full perspective. Understand that the information you get will be interpreted through your own lens- and through the lens of authors, therapists, etc. But every DA is an individual , and few are writing. That is an important point. Being a DA is confusing, as is being an AP I am sure. We are described as having little empathy. It's all a spectrum of course. But- all this stuff is about survival. Fear. Need. And, love too. I am a caretaker. A reformed caretaker. That seems at odds with being dismissive, but it is not. I had two parents who were unavailable, neglectful, and .... ill. My father was an alcoholic , and I heard of and witnessed his incapacitation. It was described to me as illness. He certainly looked sick. What's that do to a kid? Well, kids have magical thinking and always want to help. In the case of wanting to help a parent, it's love, and it's survival. Mom and Dad have to be ok, because I need them to be ok. That's primal knowledge probably. How will I be ok? I need a Mom, and a Dad. My mom was unavailable because she was toxic , and had some kind of mental illness- some paranoia, schizoid and other stuff, a mixed bag. I don't know a dx. I didn't know this when I was young, I learned it as I got older and things didn't make sense. My household was not like the others. Anyway, mom was not healthy. I needed her to be. As neglect formed my dismissive attachment, needy, vulnerable and sick parents formed a caregiving nature (to my little eyes- even with my big eyes I can see them as sick and needy). I have overgiven to sick people, neglected myself. This is a very confusing and painful pattern. Very hard to see when it's all you know. I get the job done. I am tireless. I am a problem solver. And my attachment doesn't consciously realize, I need someone to help me. If that person is sick, and it's obvious, I need to fix that. I've mostly been a caregiver for my sick parents. My dad has someone now, he is married and she does it (he is sober and healthy but old.). My mother died after a torturous decline. I cared for her to the end. It was very sad. Well; my DA partner is also a caregiver. He's got a lot of he DA isms that he is working on. No substances thank God. But workaholism- caregiving- these have taken a toll on his body and he has had some health issues that have been significant. He's ok now- but the letting go that I had to learn was very difficult. Yes, I'm attached to him! And, he got sick. Very difficult. I finally got attached, finally built intimacy, and it's all been threatened at times. Very painful to navigate my internal stuff around all that. Fear of losing him triggers me horribly. I am working through it. It deactivated me recently. I hate this stuff sometimes. I am strong and brave and can endure so much but the thought of losing him slays me. I have to keep showing up and be brave in spite of that. I hate how the fear feels. I know what I can control, what I can't. I have had to honor his autonomy and free personhood as I stood powerless to help , powerless to influence his way of coping or taking care. I've had to let go over and over and keep turning into myself to face my own abandonment fears, my own self neglect, all of what I wanted to turn outward to him, I leaned to turn inward to me. So. This stuff is about survival. And care. We have hearts, we need, we love, we protect, we also try to survive (unconsciously) by taking care. That's the tricky part. Caregiving and codependency is outward focus when we need to be tending to the fear inside. That's why I always say- turn it inward and address those issues. It's really the only way to be healthy for yourself and someone else. And, everyone including you man, my man, every man and woman has their own personal journey inward. We need to let them take it!! We cannot be the blind leading the blind. We have to honor their right and responsibility to turn inward also. Anyway, I hope that this is helpful. It's not intended to be harmful for sure. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2019 20:57:51 GMT
That is very kind of you, caro , thank you. I was thinking more about what I wrote about my mom, and trying to unpack that more. When I was young I saw her as someone who worked very hard but was also awkward in ways that other moms were not. She is still so confusing to me. So I saw her both as strong and capable , with work and providing, but also there was something I felt embarrassed and protective about but I could not decipher why. There wasn't any warmth, with either of my parents. I do remember seeing smiles and hugs and laughter at the homes of my friends and I felt shame about my own home. But I was so young- I didn't know what was really going on. It's so strange when you find out that your "normal" is strange to others. And strange to you. My mom was increasingly vulnerable as she declined and then, I saw that she was that way all along. I idealized her for a long time in my childhood. I remembered all these traits and characteristics of hers that as I matured, I realized were dysfunctional. It's painful to see some of those things manifesting in me. I hate that I am seen as a stern and tough woman, but I know that I am stern and tough and I have tried to hard to be otherwise. My sister is so soft and demure and I've always thought that was an ideal but I can't emulate it, I used to feel that is the best way to be lovable. But actually she isn't very nice so I got over it haha. Family problems , we all have them.  I have grown my soft side a LOT, but it's probably still seen as stern. That hurts me when I hear it, but I have gotten that feedback. Just this morning, and it's bothering me a little. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of people who love me and know that I have a kind heart, but I don't come across the way I feel inside sometimes. I have a job that entails a lot of listening to people's problems and I'm successful at it so I guess it's not all negative, I'm approachable. I've come a ways. I hope that as I age I will continue to soften, I am doing all the things that can lead me there. I have more tenderness and vulnerability inside me than people know. I am misread often. I'm working on all of that. My guy however is super masculine and tough with a very soft interior and he gets me very well. He knows I am a big softie. When I went to see him today (I took him food I cooked , to his office  ) I made a big deal about getting my hugs and kisses before I left because now I'm able to just be really open about needing that from him. It was the biggest hurdle to let him know that's what I really want. It makes me feel needy but I like it and he's really good to me about it. I can tell it's a bit of a stretch for him but he hugs me extra long instead of that half-ass quick stuff lol. We do grow together So; I wanted to ask- do you know what exactly you need to face your fear and abandonment and all that? Have you read the thread by anne12 about healing ambivalent attachment? It seems like some of those exercises and pointers could be really helpful. It's in the general section. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 15, 2019 10:34:25 GMT
Part of the challenge for anyone who is AP or has AP tendencies is...since we think of the other person 24/7...the assumption becomes that the other person’s actions or statements are personally geared towards us. The FA/DA mindset is very different and a lot of what is done/said has nothing to do with the other person. I know it is incredibly easy to go into that thinking...but part of healing from AP thinking is to realize that another person with a different attachment is going to respond differently out of their attachment wounding...which has nothing to do with you.
The one thing I have read time and time again to help with AP is to learn how to give yourself the love you seek from others. Loving yourself releases others to choose to love you versus feeling like it is an obligation. 💕💕
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2019 1:11:36 GMT
Part of the challenge for anyone who is AP or has AP tendencies is...since we think of the other person 24/7...the assumption becomes that the other person’s actions or statements are personally geared towards us. The FA/DA mindset is very different and a lot of what is done/said has nothing to do with the other person. I know it is incredibly easy to go into that thinking...but part of healing from AP thinking is to realize that another person with a different attachment is going to respond differently out of their attachment wounding...which has nothing to do with you. The one thing I have read time and time again to help with AP is to learn how to give yourself the love you seek from others. Loving yourself releases others to choose to love you versus feeling like it is an obligation. 💕💕 I think it's analyzing the other person/relationship/interactions 24/7, not just thinking of the person. It's a blow by blow replay of everything that was said and done, and how that could signal problems. if it was a good thing, it's a constant resavouring of it, because it's such a "rare" occurrence that there is a need to obsessively hold onto it because we don't know when the next good thing is going to happen. I still think of my partner alot, but I don't analyze him much anymore - I analyze myself a lot more! i ask myself why im upset/happy/annoyed, what i like about him, what do i wish for more, what are my insecurities in this relationship, how do I deal with them, how do i separate my fears from him being him, what are the good things that we have, what do i appreciate about our interactions, are my needs met, how do i get them met, what can I do for him, etc etc. the analyzing has shifted to me, rather than on him. i do notice that now when I'm busy, I don't think about him at all - he's not on my mind. with my ex, even when I was busy, I had to hold him in my mind, because on some level, I forget people exist if I don't constantly hold them in my mind. There was a fear that there's no more relationship simply because I would forget about him and him me, which drove me to hold the relationship constantly on my mind. We were in a LDR, so it wasn't like there was "fresh" material to keep the relationship evolving organically, so every interaction was super important to me but it didn't appear to be so for him, and it drove me nuts. There's a discussion about object permanency somewhere in this forum, and I think it was very much relevant to how APs obsess over relationships. |
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I would leave him alone and make time for myself and think about what I really want. If you want a relationship say so and tell him that you want something different and understand whatever he prefers, that you want him to be happy and that if he wants to try to work it out that you hope you're still available.
) I made a big deal about getting my hugs and kisses before I left because now I'm able to just be really open about needing that from him. It was the biggest hurdle to let him know that's what I really want. It makes me feel needy but I like it and he's really good to me about it. I can tell it's a bit of a stretch for him but he hugs me extra long instead of that half-ass quick stuff lol. We do grow together 