How to convince my FA to get therapy? | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

How to convince my FA to get therapy? Jun 26, 2017 0:03:26 GMT

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Post by fatalcharm on Jun 26, 2017 0:03:26 GMT

Three of weeks ago I broke up with my FA girlfriend after her distancing and sabotaging became too painful for me to handle.
She is a textbook case of Fearful Avoidant, and over the past few months I gave her some books I read on the topic and explained what it means via email (email is the only way she agrees to listen to any kind of "relationship talk"). She says she doesn't agree with "this attachment BS" but admits she hasn't read the books I gave her or done the self-evaluation in the book "attached."

A day after I broke up with her I regretted it and told her I want to stay together, but she would have to agree to working with me towards improving the relationship.
That was three weeks ago and we haven't been communicating since. I miss her terribly and the way we left things, She replied that she wants me in her life but she feels she "can't give me what I want and need" (her exact words.) My thinking is that she can't do it now, but if she gets help she could and should work on it not just to be with me, but because it's affecting all her close relationships (she is estranged from her family, her kids, etc) and so that she could someday have a healthy relationship even if its' not with me. Her past relationships were either abusive or short-lived with men she described as "safe" due to not having strong feelings towards them.

She is well aware of having "issues" (including unprocessed trauma unrelated to attachment/intimacy) that are wrecking havoc in her life, but she refuses to get professional help which I strongly feel she needs. Her way of dealing with it thus far was just hoping things will magically resolve themselves. BTW, I am seeing a therapist myself and I'm well aware of my own issues, so I'm not trying to pin everything on her.

As of now, I promised myself I will not contact her for at least 30 days (it's been about 21 so far) and I'm not sure if I will after that time period is over.
I really want to make this relationship work out, but I think that can only happen if she gets professional help. Any advice on convincing her to give it an honest try?

How to convince my FA to get therapy? Jun 26, 2017 0:59:24 GMT

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Post by joanneg on Jun 26, 2017 0:59:24 GMT

Hi Fatalcharm,

Im sorry for what youre going through.

It is 2 months since being broken up with by my DA. (although he actually never ended it, he just went MIA and would text and I had practically to pull it out of him because I couldnt take it any longer)

It really is the most awful situation to be in.

Its good to hear that you're getting therapy for yourself. I have tried using this time to look at myself and my own issues.

My DA told me on numerous occasions he "couldnt give me what i wanted" and lastly that he couldnt "love me how i wanted".

I keep blaming myself for the whole relationship and how things ended (i am anxious/some secure) but with this forum and talking to close friends/family (who knew the relationship) it is clear that they could see his ambivalence, not making an effort, normal parts of a relationship just werent there. I really think it was mostly my fault and my anxious tendencies (these only came out towards the end) that drove him away however i need to be logical that if everyone can see it and his traits are SO textbook that I am not the only person to have gone through this. Its Avoidants see-saw effect that makes you feel like this.

I really think you need to try and move on. I was always thinking id do NC for 30 days but really whats the point on having a number on it?

Your relationship will never work unless your FA wants to try and make it work. It cant be all on her terms.You have tried to educate her, what more can you do? You cant make someone be physically and mentally present in a relationship and you really shouldnt have to.

Maybe contact one more time (after your 30 days) however if you dont get what you want , which it seems at this early stage you wont then you will have to leave it and try move on... not with another partner but just listening to be ok with just you... gym, hobbies, friends, reading etc.

to make yourself feel better and as you heal perhaps you can think maybe in a few months down the line or in a year who knows what might happen..I use that as a way to cope

Ive realised I cant make someone change unless they really want to...

Ive started looking at what I want from a relationship

I want security, I want consistency, I want a commitment ... these are normal things to expect in a relationship...

It sounds like you really have tried so much already.. Im not sure what else you can do.... time seems to be the only option that we're left with sometimes..