Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2019 17:13:43 GMT
By the way, I believe that a lot of the back/forth can also be a manifestation of deep unresolved grief and an inability to move through to acceptance of a loss. It's complicated stuff. It's part of human nature to try to avoid a loss, and to move into denial and bargaining, back to anger, round and round until it's settled. Different attachment types will handle this differently, maybe get stuck in different stages. Threats have varying impacts on the different styles- loss has varying impacts. All of it is painful- some go toward and some go away. Deep stuff.
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jul 15, 2019 17:49:17 GMT
My mom has no ability to stay in something...she moves on...I believe too quickly...and stuffs feelings down in an attempt to “get on with it”. I have seen those stuffed feelings hurt her as she is hard in places that would be softened if she would just sit with the feelings for some time and learn from them. This appears to be more socially acceptable....the moving on and getting on with life...but I think...at what cost?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2019 18:14:00 GMT
My mom has no ability to stay in something...she moves on...I believe too quickly...and stuffs feelings down in an attempt to “get on with it”. I have seen those stuffed feelings hurt her as she is hard in places that would be softened if she would just sit with the feelings for some time and learn from them. This appears to be more socially acceptable....the moving on and getting on with life...but I think...at what cost? It's an individual choice, I think it's useful to tally the cost in your own life for your own choices. You're certainly not in a real objective position to analyze her coping skills, as you are still very stuck by own own occasional admission. Id hesitate to say there is any real benefit to that but it's not my business in the end.
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jul 15, 2019 22:04:58 GMT
My mom has no ability to stay in something...she moves on...I believe too quickly...and stuffs feelings down in an attempt to “get on with it”. I have seen those stuffed feelings hurt her as she is hard in places that would be softened if she would just sit with the feelings for some time and learn from them. This appears to be more socially acceptable....the moving on and getting on with life...but I think...at what cost? It's an individual choice, I think it's useful to tally the cost in your own life for your own choices. You're certainly not in a real objective position to analyze her coping skills, as you are still very stuck by own own occasional admission. Id hesitate to say there is any real benefit to that but it's not my business in the end. Honestly...I have learned tremendous things about myself...and my thinking patterns...and I can see where I trip myself up with attachment based needs that go into circular patterns and are not fulfilled. It is one thing to read about them, or to see them and feel shame that only makes the circle continue....versus seeing it with a compassion that says...this really is not working for me....let me explore this further. I am in no way perfect....gosh...i know that. I know that I still need to work on respecting autonomy, developing healthy boundaries, releasing the hope that continues to linger regarding B. This site has helped...you have helped. Grateful you are here @sherry....because we need actual people to counteract the books and the jargon and the movies. We need someone to bring a dose of reality into the fantasy that many of us with AP attachment struggle with. I do so appreciate your contributions..,that was not always the case...and I own my own yard on that one. Speaking of my mom...we are actually experiencing a much better relationship then we ever had. But yes, I see her being stoic to the point that it negatively impacts her...that is not a judgement against her...just an observation. I know she is doing the best that she can....and goodness knows...she raised three productive children who are fiscally responsible...no easy feat.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2019 22:16:43 GMT
I see what you're saying! My kids do struggle sometimes with my straightforward and logical approach, but also we talk openly about all this kind of stuff and work to understand each other. I have kids all over the spectrum of attachment, and we are all aware and talk about our experiences that got us here and how we navigate with it all. There's actually a bit of good security in the bunch! We all have strengths and weaknesses. Their dad had major issues beyond attachment that impacted them from a young age and being able to unpack that and how it's impacted them is helpful to their process as well.
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jul 15, 2019 22:47:35 GMT
I see what you're saying! My kids do struggle sometimes with my straightforward and logical approach, but also we talk openly about all this kind of stuff and work to understand each other. I have kids all over the spectrum of attachment, and we are all aware and talk about our experiences that got us here and how we navigate with it all. There's actually a bit of good security in the bunch! We all have strengths and weaknesses. Their dad had major issues beyond attachment that impacted them from a young age and being able to unpack that and how it's impacted them is helpful to their process as well. That is great Sherri...I truly wish my mom had been able to do the same thing...or maybe she thought she did and I just remember it as criticism and judgement. My brothers and I are different attachment styles....pretty clear that I am AP, my middle brother is Avoidant....but not sure if he is FA or DA...he certainly acts more on the DA spectrum around me. My baby brother is secure. It is interesting to observe our interactions now that I have some clarity that the world does not revolve (in a negative way) around me. We are certainly growing closer, which is good. That stinks that your children's’ dad had major issues...I have seen over the decades how our father’s absence shaped the three of us...especially my middle brother...but at least they have you to unpack those feelings with. I don’t think that would happen so much in our family.
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Jul 15, 2019 23:02:21 GMT
Talking about parents. My Mum never resolved anything. She sits and sits, then drags that baggage somewhere else and does the same thing, to the point of immobilisation. I knew I needed to get on with my life. So I drank! When I crashed and burned, I was introduced to a practical way of dealing with things that works. If not for that, I wouldn’t be here today.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2019 23:18:37 GMT
I see what you're saying! My kids do struggle sometimes with my straightforward and logical approach, but also we talk openly about all this kind of stuff and work to understand each other. I have kids all over the spectrum of attachment, and we are all aware and talk about our experiences that got us here and how we navigate with it all. There's actually a bit of good security in the bunch! We all have strengths and weaknesses. Their dad had major issues beyond attachment that impacted them from a young age and being able to unpack that and how it's impacted them is helpful to their process as well. That is great Sherri...I truly wish my mom had been able to do the same thing...or maybe she thought she did and I just remember it as criticism and judgement. My brothers and I are different attachment styles....pretty clear that I am AP, my middle brother is Avoidant....but not sure if he is FA or DA...he certainly acts more on the DA spectrum around me. My baby brother is secure. It is interesting to observe our interactions now that I have some clarity that the world does not revolve (in a negative way) around me. We are certainly growing closer, which is good. That stinks that your children's’ dad had major issues...I have seen over the decades how our father’s absence shaped the three of us...especially my middle brother...but at least they have you to unpack those feelings with. I don’t think that would happen so much in our family. I sure wish I would have known about it when they were small. I was in therapy for stuff but no clue about attachment theory. My style impacted them fornsure- and so did their dad's issues. So I didn't know about this until they were teens. But it's better late than never! And it's never too late.
|
|