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Post by alexandra on Jul 26, 2019 22:15:29 GMT
I did not feel like an extension of the FA. I don't think anyone could make me feel like that. I'm too independent. As far as I could tell, the FA was also independent. What I meant with NPD is it's not that you take on the role of the extension and lose your independence, it's just that the person interacts with you but never can actually see you. They practically may as well be interacting with a mirror, and treat you as an extension of themselves. It's not a two-way mutual street, it's you getting treated with only what you can do for them or how you reflect on them or make them feel in mind. I'm sorry you went through that. Certainly sounds like that other guy could have had NPD. Did you ever go back and take your own attachment style assessment? Since I have AP roots, I spent years clicking with every type of avoidant and choosing partners who wouldn't commit. All types of insecures. |
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Post by alexandra on Jul 26, 2019 22:18:04 GMT
hannah99, wanted to add, it's a huge example of words and actions out of alignment. That's why it's either a control or distancing technique. That's really the takeaway.
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Post by serenity on Jul 26, 2019 23:21:37 GMT
Hey alexandar, great reading your helpful responses. Sorry to interject. I just wanted to add , Janedoe, Your ex sounds a lot like one of my most confusing FA friends, who suffers from Schizoid Personality disorder. psychcentral.com/disorders/schizoid-personality-disorder/As i understand it, Schizoid traits are on a spectrum like Narcissism, and there is a Personality disorder version of it (which my friend has). Schizoids can come across as intensely selfish, narcissistic and moody (at times) which has the `feel' of NPD, but isn't the same. I can recommend that you google this; it should help you decide what to do if he circles back. |
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Post by mrob on Jul 29, 2019 23:18:23 GMT
I just want to throw in a few things from this FAs point of view. Things that I’ve been working on. I started from a point of ignorance, not malice. It doesn’t make any of this any less scary or confusing, though.
I get on better with my ex wife because I give her the respect as an independent human being that I didn’t while we were married.
When I dumped the lady in the relationship that brought me here, I cannot describe the nothing I felt inside. I knew I was supposed to be feeling something, but nothing was there at that moment. In reflection, it was the same bereftness as being teased in the school playground and knowing that crying just gets the other kids going more. I learned not to feel. I can do big things well. Batten down the hatches and get on with it. Watch the latest Toy Story, however, and I’m a blubbering mess before the opening credits.
I’ve never gone out with the intention of hurting people. True empathy just doesn’t come naturally to me. Not like I see in others. I’m better in acting that way but it’s not a reflex like in others.
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 7, 2019 15:46:30 GMT
Though I am very much in the beginning of understanding my FA attachment, I would have to look back and say yes. Absolutely in the pursuit I love-bomb. But it is genuine and not at all meant to be manipulative. I stay consistent in my kindness throughout the relationship though, but no where near as intense. And I TOTALLY believe I put on the false self FOR SURE. I think I am the typical FA that when I first reveal some of my isolating tendencies, people are just flabbergasted because I have presented myself in such a way that they would never have guessed my internal issues. One thing I also notice is people have this idea of me as this very strong successful business woman and I have impostor syndrome in A BIG WAY because let me tell ya, deep down I am scared as shit and have no idea HOW I got where I am today. But, I guess I hide it.
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Post by lovebunny on Sept 7, 2019 20:18:44 GMT
I'm pretty sure I just went through someone lovebombing me.
This whole thing lasted under two months, but got intense fast. Flowers and gifts delivered to me almost every day. Endless messaging. Telling me, constantly, how beautiful, amazing, sexy, delightful I am. When I was reluctant to get sexual at first, she begged, cajoled, and promised it was all about my pleasure. Almost immediately, she pushed for more of my time, more commitment, and there were tantrums and big tears when I refused to give it. After our 2nd weekend together, She was ready to rearrange her life for me, move to my city, buy me a house, take me on my dream vacation, etc..
I let her know how uncomfortable I was with all this attention, because I couldn't return it. I liked her, I just wasn't having those grand emotions, and it was all too fast, too soon. She couldn't seem to stop herself, kept piling it on, then got upset when I tried to establish a more comfortable distance. I ended it almost 2 weeks ago, and she spent a few days afterwards trying very hard to convince me to change my mind.
Then a couple of days ago, in a moment of weakness, I started missing all that attention. I wondered if maybe I wasn't giving her a fair shake, so I contacted her. Well, she tells me she is "in love" with another woman, and it's the deepest connection she's ever felt, and they are exclusively committed though they haven't even made love yet. All this in 2 weeks! This seems to me like proof that her big feelings for me were merely a projection, and I could have been anybody reasonably attractive that she felt connected to. She says the other woman loves all the attention, and returns it, so maybe "lovebombing" is subjective? Idk, she did have some traits of covert narcissism, but I didn't stick around long enough to really figure that out.
It is actually quite painful to have someone offering you the sun and the moon and all the love you've ever dreamed of when deep inside, you're inner voices are telling you, "But this isn't real! You don't even know me!!!"
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Post by serenity on Sept 7, 2019 21:28:15 GMT
Hi Lovebunny, I'm so sorry you went through that, I hope you are doing okay?
I've experienced similar situations, and I felt very similar feelings to you as well. Sucks feeling the warmth of a love that doesn't feel real or sustainable.
The first time I met a guy like this, I accepted the love bombing on face value and let the relationship play out; by the second month I discovered he had multiple other `new' women he was involved with. Then his loving behaviour was replaced with abuse and suicide threats to keep me from abandoning him. I believe that guy had BPD and probably NPD as well. It seemed as though he was addicted to the energy of new relationships, kind of like a drug. Guy became a major problem stalker when I ended the relationship.
The second time I met a person like this, I kept a healthy but friendly distance. By week two he was threatening suicide and becoming manipulative in other ways, then got verbally abusive because I didn't want to sleep with him so soon. I stopped talking to him after that, and later found out he had schizophrenia.
I had one bf with NPD who was very warm and loving in the beginning, but his behaviour felt a little more cool...not quite the same clingy feeling as the others.
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Post by dhali on Sept 13, 2019 2:02:45 GMT
I think FAs and APs may do this to a lesser extent that I wouldn't necessarily call lovebombing, and they have motivations that they're not conscious of. But I think people with actual personality disorders and other issues more serious than attachment full-on lovebomb (sometimes consciously, sometimes not). An AP idealizes their partner and projects that idealization, especially at the beginning, when they don't know the partner and put them on a pedestal. Partner is viewed as better than self, and winning / keeping the partner's attention and affection is really important because it makes the AP feel better about themselves (they seek external validation to regulate). Later, it also eases the inevitable fear of abandonment. If giving a lot of attention seems to be winning the partner over, the AP will put in the effort, but it's in earnest because they believe the partner is that great and deserves to be treated like royalty while also wishing the partner would treat them the same way. There's some of this anxiety for the FA, but there's an additional component of using people-pleasing because they learned to do that at some point as children. The FA may have ambivalent or shifting feelings which can lead to more focus on appearing perfect, both to win over the partner first so they can later attempt to sort out their own feelings and decide if they even like the person later and to keep an certain amount of control over their own environment. Neither of those motivations are intended as malicious if it's being caused by attachment issues. They're both different slants on a fear of abandonment. Some of the difference is because AP and FA share a negative view of self, but FA also distrusts others whereas AP holds others in high regard. The focus on malice is weird. As if that makes certain behavior ok, or even understandable. If I did everything I had an urge to do, I’d be a terrible human. For what it’s worth, I had a DA (for sure a DA) love bomb me. Yeah, I put her on a pedestal. I was following her lead, and it was fun. And difficult to reconcile, but I just felt lucky. Happiest guy in the world. I let her know it too. As for her being an FA? No way. Her contempt at the end was astonishing, abrupt, and callous. She talking down to me was a first, but also unwavering. There was NO sign of poor self esteem. Ever. So much so that it did trigger some anxiety in me. I think she woke up one day with me and just had to get out. I’d be blown away if she ever gave me a second thought. She never did with any of her ex’s. She was generally happy they were gone, as she didn’t think highly of them. None of them did anything hateworthy. She’s never had her heart broken, and she’s never pined for anyone. She’s probably single, and has no desire to get into a relationship, but maybe she’s messing around. She said at the end she’s “a better me than a we,” which was my first clue... and she had dropped others that I missed, but didn’t make sense to me at the time. She is what I would say, beginning to realize she’s avoidant. I believe she was coming to terms with being ok with that. Maybe even happy about it. Her social life is rich, though I admittedly don’t know how deep things get there. She is an Irish goodbye person. |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 13, 2019 8:52:14 GMT
dhali, the focus on malice is because if it's with malice such as with narcissism (which can be a form of extreme DA that's to the extent of a personality disorder), that basically can't ever change. For people stuck on the ex and trying to make sense of it, I think it's important to know if it's pathological and that hoping they'll come around won't ever happen. Going no contact forever is absolutely best in that case, never let them back in unless you want a total repeat, probably even worse. With attachment issues, it's not likely the ex will ever come back healthy and changed, and certainly not after a short period of time, but if you meet later in life and are both still available (not having been waiting for the ex), it's not necessarily doomed because there can be evolution. However, that doesn't make the behavior acceptable at all, and no one was implying intent should do so. It's more about finding reasons to let go of resentment to move on (a malicious person isn't worth your time and it will continue to be hurtful to empathize with someone with a personality disorder, and a person with attachment issues can't give you what you want if they're forever in defense-mode but most people here have attachment issues too). I find it helps healing to not vilify an ex with attachment issues and see it with compassion and understanding, as it's easier to shift focus back to yourself and let it go while also showing more compassion and understanding for yourself and your own attachment problems. While not always the case, insecure attachment tends to attract insecure attachment until self-work and healing is in progress.
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