|
|
Post by nyc718 on Aug 7, 2019 4:21:53 GMT
I always knew something was off with him/us being together over a year, but I literally didn't know until we had an argument and he ghosted me that I found articles on his DA attachment.
I am struggling so much with this.
I look back and all the pieces of the puzzle fit together: the "aloof" behavior, the distancing, the refusal to ever tell me he loved or cared about me even though when we were together he SEEMED to love and care about me; the "forgetting" we had plans, not hearing from him for days, the selective responses to my texts, making it seem like it was ME who had the trust issues, when it really was HE was GIVING ME trust issues. All of that and more.
I really loved him, and this hurts. I consider myself secure, but he made me an insecure mess.
It's only been about 6 weeks since our fight and the last time I saw him, so it's still fresh, but the fact that he could just drop me like this, after all we'd been through, the time we spent together, and the fact that I KNOW he opened up to me the most than to anyone. Yes, I get now that this was all making him anxious. I didn't know this before though, he hid it well. I truly didn't know why he being distant. I didn't know that what should be a normal, organic flow of a relationship was stressing him out.
I not only lost what I thought was us, but the life I had with him and his world. We bonded over music and the types of places we would go. I was so happy to have someone to go with to these places, and I lost that. It's not really easy to find someone with that same particular taste, so I lost a lot.
It hurts me to think that he's relieved to not be with me. I know I enhanced his life in many ways. To think that I was so meaningless to him hurts beyond words.
I am normally just a caring, sensitive and thoughtful person. I KNOW I didn't smother him or anything, I called myself "adjusting" to what made him comfortable: I didn't text him a lot, I didn't ask for too much time, I was able to read his cues and didn't demand much, in fact, HE seemed annoyed that I couldn't always see him when HE wanted to see me. What I actually was doing was settling for less that what I truly deserved.
But the last few times I saw him, there was a bit of a shift, and I believe it was because we were just getting closer and more intimate after over a year together, and that must have freaked him out. So when we had a fight (which I realized after the fact stemmed from me feeling extremely insecure in our relationship) it was a convenient way for him to just go ahead and break away from me. I actually apologized the next day via text and he never replied.
After not hearing from him for two weeks, I wrote an email and formally ended it, saying we clearly want different things and that I am sorry it was ending like this. I said that he made it clear that he didn't feel the same way about me that I felt for him (when I told him a few months before that I loved him) and that I hung around hoping he would change his mind, but that I should have just bailed then. He never responded.
I am in physical and emotional pain every day. I know it was hopeless anyway, but it hurts. It hurts because I actually cared about him, and he didn't give a flying fuck about me. I feel humiliated, ashamed, embarrassed, all that. I am hurt, angry, furious, sad, and wonder if I am depressed. And I hate that because who the fuck is he to do this to me?
I would like to think I know better next time than to get wrapped up in such a damaged person again. But he fooled me too. He gave me mixed messages that both confused me and relieved me.
I wonder to DA's actually ever feel remorse, regret, any empathy whatsoever? He had me fooled. I thought he was a caring person. What he actually is is a passive person who was a people pleaser and had few boundaries with anyone in his life, a lot of people step all over him. OH, but when WE had what for normal people would be a stupid fight, he decided to put his foot DOWN and cut me off and never talk to me again. What a damaged, shitty jackass.
I feel both sorry for him and furious with him, happy that he will NEVER be able to have a good relationship because he's so damned fucked up. And then I feel bad for feeling that way because I know it's the pain talking, not me, because I am not an asshole who wishes pain on people.
I'm just trying to move on with my life, but I am 48, and I feel like most of the men out there who are single my age are also just as damaged, so I have pretty much been trying to accept I will be lonely and alone, and that makes me very, very sad.
|
|
|
|
Post by toorational on Aug 7, 2019 13:01:16 GMT
We bonded over music and the types of places we would go. I was so happy to have someone to go with to these places, and I lost that. It's not really easy to find someone with that same particular taste, so I lost a lot. I understand because I've been through the same thing. I thought I could never find someone like my ex DA girlfriend. We had so much in common. She was an engineer like me, what are the odds of that, a female engineer? I was right, it was gonna be impossible to find someone like her. What I realized is that everyone is special in their own way and I eventually found my current GF with whom I have lots in common as well, just not the same things than my ex GF. In the end I'm a much better match with my current GF, even if I thought that it was impossible to find someone else with so much in common. It was possible. There is hope. And the most important thing is that my GF and I are compatible . Well, note quite perfectly compatible, otherwise I wouldn't be on these forums but way way more compatible than with my ex. I feel both sorry for him and furious with him, happy that he will NEVER be able to have a good relationship because he's so damned fucked up. And then I feel bad for feeling that way because I know it's the pain talking, not me, because I am not an asshole who wishes pain on people. You're obviously very angry with him and the whole thing, which is totally understandable. Venting out here and with friends is a good way to get this off your chest. But time will heal things. Keeping no contact is the advice I had received and it worked. Every day the pain was less and less. Eventually I realized that it was a good things that my ex dumped me because we were not a good match. Yes, you're right that people in the dating pool in their forties are mostly insecure because the secures have, by that age, found a good and stable relationship. But I'm sure there are still secures out there, or at least people who are perhaps just a bit AP or DA, which I'm sure you could manage to be with since you're secure. There is a thread here about red flags to look out for to identify DAs early in dating for next time. I'm sure that you saw your own red flags with him. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2019 14:53:04 GMT
Are you able to talk more about the argument? What happened?
|
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Aug 7, 2019 15:02:22 GMT
toorational thank you, I appreciate your words and I am happy to hear you met someone more compatible. What we had in common was very specific, plus he himself was physically my "type". I know I can meet someone else to care about with different interests, etc, but it's hard to let go of what we had. But again, thank you for your words of encouragement. @thatright Our argument was me misunderstanding something he said and it's kind of too much to explain here, but I mistook his words to mean something else, I thought he was expressing unhappiness in something we did, but he said he didn't mean it like that which could be entirely true. But I was feeling extra sensitive as I said, because I wasn't feeling secure in the relationship at that point (over a year together) so I believe my misunderstanding was really me expressing my insecurity, thus misunderstanding what he meant. Hope that makes sense. Anyway, he didn't like that it was on the street though we weren't making a scene, but he hates when anything is public. He was upset that I was upset, and he refused to want to resolve it. He told me to leave and so I left. I apologized the next day, trying to explain myself but he never replied. For a normal couple, this is not something to break up over, but for him, it was. I am sad, but also still angry about it. I'm angry that our relationship was reduced to this one argument and not all the things I did for him, all the ways I adjusted to meet him and his needs. Thanks for listening.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2019 15:26:05 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Aug 7, 2019 18:30:15 GMT
Thank you. I've done extensive reading since we've broken up. I understand all of it intellectually. Emotionally, as I am a fully emotional and connected person, it is hard for me. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 8, 2019 2:28:02 GMT
I am sorry you are hurting...but there are a lot of statements you are making “on his behalf” and I wonder if you actually validated those with him or are simply going off of your interpretation of the what’s and why’s. The reason I ask is that I find that trying to speak on someone else’s behalf or interpret their motivation using my own lens on the world is usually faulty and can lead to all sorts of misunderstandings. Oftentimes I find the best healing for myself comes from an”I” perspective of speaking only from my truth. I do wish you well.
|
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Aug 8, 2019 4:07:33 GMT
I am sorry you are hurting...but there are a lot of statements you are making “on his behalf” and I wonder if you actually validated those with him or are simply going off of your interpretation of the what’s and why’s. The reason I ask is that I find that trying to speak on someone else’s behalf or interpret their motivation using my own lens on the world is usually faulty and can lead to all sorts of misunderstandings. Oftentimes I find the best healing for myself comes from an”I” perspective of speaking only from my truth. I do wish you well. I can only go by the actions he demonstrated in the year I was with him and reading about DAs. Like I said, I didn't even know he was a DA or what a DA ever was until AFTER we broke up when he ghosted me, something that has never happened with any relationship I've had. When I've had breakups, we both knew why and we had closure. With him, nothing. That is not normal, I'm sorry. I never got to validate any of it because he clearly doesn't want to be in touch with me, nor am I begging him to be in my life. I can only interpret it the way I can, through my lens of experience and through what I have read about DAs. He hits most of the checkmarks of a DA. I can't possibly clear anything up if he refuses to communicate with me. Communication is a two way street, but if one person shuts down and withdraws, how can there be anything left but me scratching my head trying to figure out what the fuck happened? I am not a person to just run away from someone, especially someone I know who loved me, and just leave them hanging. That is cruel and disrespectful, and as an adult, we should have enough to at the very least say, it's not working for me, even if I can't articulate it right now. But to say absolutely nothing? Sorry, there is no excuse. I didn't do anything to him but try to love him, AND in a way that made him comfortable even before I knew what a DA is or that DAs need a lot of space. It was just intuitive for me to know he needs the space, so I gave it to him. But I am kind of honestly tired of thinking about all this, it's exhausting and draining. Thank you for your input. |
|
|
|
Post by durassa on Aug 8, 2019 6:34:33 GMT
I wanted to take the time to agree with what tnr9 said above, about the potential danger of viewing your guy's behavior through your own lens.
You see, I was in a similar situation to yours: my DA boyfriend ghosted me for 4.5 months, blocking me on phone, text, all social media, facebook messenger, and refusing to answer any of my many, many emails. I knew he was DA though, and I knew in my core that I loved him, and that I didn't want to give him up.
4 1/2 months after he abruptly and suddenly cut me off cold (after an email fight that wasn't even a fight, but a discussion where he got "overwhelmed" with my "FEELINGS"), I decided to show up at an event I discovered he would be attending (though mutual friends), and when I did, this man I loved who had ghosted me for 4.5 months was completely relieved to see me.
*Note: we live in the same city. He could have easily seen me AT ANY TIME!!!
Now, even though I had gone through pure EMOTIONAL HELL in those 4.5 months where he refused to answer any communication at all (and we had been together for over a year at the time, like yourself), when I did finally see him, I wasn't angry, I wasn't unsure of myself or nervous (outwardly), I acted warm and calm, and just really happy to see him. NO ANGER. Only focus on the positive when trying to draw a DA closer. That helped him not feel threatened by me...not feel so anxious.
They cut off contact and abandon, because they feel too anxious.
It's self-protection, not rejection.
Think of it as a panic attack, because that's what it is.
What I thought was happening during all those months and months of silence and INTENSE emotional pain, as I viewed things through my own lens, was actually not what was going on at all.
My guy was simply trying to (unconsciously) mitigate his anxiety, and he's a dismissive avoider, so what appeared on the surface to be uncaring, cruel, punitive, INTENSE hostility, vindictiveness, and contempt towards me (the silent treatment on steroids), not to mention an extreme lack of respect for my feelings and well-being, was simply a man who didn't know how to better deal with his own feelings, or all the closeness / vulnerability our conversation (the fight) brought up, and so he did the only thing he historically knew how to do in a conflict (even though this wasn't even a bad one!): run away, hide, deny, minimize my importance to him in his own head, and amputate our year-long bond which had been EXTREMELY close.
Resigning, I'm sure, to never ever see me again.
It was only because I got help via a therapist, that I was able to navigate this crisis, have the confidence to show up where I knew he would be, ignore the feeling that I felt totally rejected by him, have the stability of mind NOT to react in a "scary" punitive or angry way towards him when I did see him, and thereby show him I could be trusted to be "safe", to not attack him for needing to run away, and thereby maintain and repair our bond.
Most people would have walked away.
I'm glad I didn't, but walking through this was certainly like walking through a fire.
However, now my DA is back.
The "dismissiveness" (i.e. you are thrown away, you are dismissed) is just their defense mechanism that gets activated. It's their emotional wound that they are trying to protect against, and though it FEELS like it has everything to do with you, and that you are not valued by them at all, they cut off contact cold because you are actually valued "too much" and are having "too much" impact on them, and that's what scares them to begin with.
Most likely, he doesn't understand why he's doing any of this, and so can't explain it to you. This too, makes them feel inadequate...another bad emotion...so, they try to cut that off from awareness and avoid that too.
They are cutting off their emotions. Running from their own feelings. If you happen to be the current bad emotion source, you simply get cut off with the rest in one fell swoop. But if you want, it can be turned around.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2019 14:00:29 GMT
I would use this time to work on your own attachment style. He is responsible for his and you are responsible for yours.
The questions - what's and why's is like drinking poison - it only damages your health. There is nothing healthy from the situation.
Accept, grieve and move on from the situation. You will not get closure.
Put all your heart and soul into getting healthy.
|
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Aug 8, 2019 15:04:19 GMT
I wanted to take the time to agree with what tnr9 said above, about the potential danger of viewing your guy's behavior through your own lens. You see, I was in a similar situation to yours: my DA boyfriend ghosted me for 4.5 months, blocking me on phone, text, all social media, facebook messenger, and refusing to answer any of my many, many emails. I knew he was DA though, and I knew in my core that I loved him, and that I didn't want to give him up. 4 1/2 months after he abruptly and suddenly cut me off cold (after an email fight that wasn't even a fight, but a discussion where he got "overwhelmed" with my " FEELINGS"), I decided to show up at an event I discovered he would be attending (though mutual friends), and when I did, this man I loved who had ghosted me for 4.5 months was completely relieved to see me. *Note: we live in the same city. He could have easily seen me AT ANY TIME!!! Now, even though I had gone through pure EMOTIONAL HELL in those 4.5 months where he refused to answer any communication at all (and we had been together for over a year at the time, like yourself), when I did finally see him, I wasn't angry, I wasn't unsure of myself or nervous (outwardly), I acted warm and calm, and just really happy to see him. NO ANGER. Only focus on the positive when trying to draw a DA closer. That helped him not feel threatened by me...not feel so anxious. They cut off contact and abandon, because they feel too anxious. It's self-protection, not rejection. Think of it as a panic attack, because that's what it is. What I thought was happening during all those months and months of silence and INTENSE emotional pain, as I viewed things through my own lens, was actually not what was going on at all. My guy was simply trying to (unconsciously) mitigate his anxiety, and he's a dismissive avoider, so what appeared on the surface to be uncaring, cruel, punitive, INTENSE hostility, vindictiveness, and contempt towards me (the silent treatment on steroids), not to mention an extreme lack of respect for my feelings and well-being, was simply a man who didn't know how to better deal with his own feelings, or all the closeness / vulnerability our conversation (the fight) brought up, and so he did the only thing he historically knew how to do in a conflict (even though this wasn't even a bad one!): run away, hide, deny, minimize my importance to him in his own head, and amputate our year-long bond which had been EXTREMELY close. Resigning, I'm sure, to never ever see me again. It was only because I got help via a therapist, that I was able to navigate this crisis, have the confidence to show up where I knew he would be, ignore the feeling that I felt totally rejected by him, have the stability of mind NOT to react in a "scary" punitive or angry way towards him when I did see him, and thereby show him I could be trusted to be "safe", to not attack him for needing to run away, and thereby maintain and repair our bond. Most people would have walked away. I'm glad I didn't, but walking through this was certainly like walking through a fire. However, now my DA is back. The "dismissiveness" (i.e. you are thrown away, you are dismissed) is just their defense mechanism that gets activated. It's their emotional wound that they are trying to protect against, and though it FEELS like it has everything to do with you, and that you are not valued by them at all, they cut off contact cold because you are actually valued "too much" and are having "too much" impact on them, and that's what scares them to begin with. Most likely, he doesn't understand why he's doing any of this, and so can't explain it to you. This too, makes them feel inadequate...another bad emotion...so, they try to cut that off from awareness and avoid that too. They are cutting off their emotions. Running from their own feelings. If you happen to be the current bad emotion source, you simply get cut off with the rest in one fell swoop. But if you want, it can be turned around. durassa I'm sorry, I haven't figured out how to only post the part of your post that I wanted to respond to, but I have read several articles or replies where they say the same thing you say, that the DA is relieved to see you after a while. Everything you said makes sense about their feelings, etc. Now, as much as I understand it, I am also processing my own feelings as well, because I do have them and I have to take care of myself too. However, I do feel I am in a much better emotional state than he is, so perhaps I do have to take the first step, if any. I'm not sure if I want to yet. I have seen his profile online, so I know he's back out there trying to meet someone else, and maybe he even has already, who knows. The interesting thing about this app is that I blocked him from seeing my profile (I'm actually not actively looking, I'm not ready to be back out there, just have it up) but I can still see his profile and if he happens to be on it, though he can't see my profile. I don't know how I would feel about just showing up someplace that I know he might be. His friends would be there and it could be awkward, so I don't know if that will ever happen. I greatly appreciate you sharing though. Any insight is helpful. I am taking it day by day. Where are you guys now that you reconnected? |
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Aug 8, 2019 15:30:12 GMT
I would use this time to work on your own attachment style. He is responsible for his and you are responsible for yours. The questions - what's and why's is like drinking poison - it only damages your health. There is nothing healthy from the situation. Accept, grieve and move on from the situation. You will not get closure. Put all your heart and soul into getting healthy. I am doing that. I have been in and out of therapy for years and this is now the biggest topic. I am grieving properly, feeling my feelings, taking steps every day. Some moments are better than others. I am always trying to improve myself, and it is in fact because I am a better version of myself that I am handling this as well as I am. A former version of myself would have tried to get in touch with him or showed up and tried to communicate with him because, well, that's what people are supposed to do, communicate. But at this point in my life, I also have my dignity and own self esteem to know that this really isn't all about ME, it's about him, and since he wants to be away from me, I am giving him ALL the space he requires. I was not expecting closure. It would take two for that. Healthy is where I want to be because this situation with him was anything but. Despite all that, I care enough about him that I hope and pray he also finds peace. |
|
|
|
Post by durassa on Aug 9, 2019 1:47:40 GMT
We are not yet back where we were, but getting there. It is like slowly turning a big ocean liner ship around, or trying to get a spooked horse back in the barn. It takes some time. And, yes, showing up where your guy is COULD be very stressful and awkward. I did it, only because he had blocked me every other way, for months, and yet I knew I didn't want to give up on him, so was willing to try any way that presented itself to reconnect.
If you're going to do that though, you have to go in strong, and I would have never been able to do it without professional psychological help, as it will trigger ALL of your own unhealed attachment stuff to stand up to that level of defense and rejection, maintain your own balance in the face of the storm, and just keep being calm, cool, and composed, versus lashing out in either anger or hurt.
It's that response, of NOT getting angry and shaming them (with hurt or tears) that gets them to lower their walls just a little bit, and start to turn around, because you are showing you are "safe."
NOT for the faint of heart!
Doesn't matter if he's out there looking for someone else, or not, or even with someone else already, because he's obviously not working on his stuff, so the same thing will happen with any new girl.
What one is doing in my above example is (if one doesn't want to just walk away, that is), is behaving like someone who is secure.
Secure means = secure in your own value and worth as a person so much, that other people, no matter what they do, or don't do, or no matter how disdainful and contemptuous they get, don't and can't throw you off your game, because you are that solid in yourself, and are able to fully stand your ground.
Do that, and a DA will feel safe with you, as you have done what most others their whole life haven't been able to do: not take their withdrawal as a personal attack, which equates to not attacking and then abandoning them (even if they were the ones to initially leave).
Just remember, their withdrawal and cutting off comes from intense anxiety, not because they don't care.
|
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Aug 9, 2019 2:08:09 GMT
We are not yet back where we were, but getting there. It is like slowly turning a big ocean liner ship around, or trying to get a spooked horse back in the barn. It takes some time. And, yes, showing up where your guy is COULD be very stressful and awkward. I did it, only because he had blocked me every other way, for months, and yet I knew I didn't want to give up on him, so was willing to try any way that presented itself to reconnect. If you're going to do that though, you have to go in strong, and I would have never been able to do it without professional psychological help, as it will trigger ALL of your own unhealed attachment stuff to stand up to that level of defense and rejection, maintain your own balance in the face of the storm, and just keep being calm, cool, and composed, versus lashing out in either anger or hurt. It's that response, of NOT getting angry and shaming them (with hurt or tears) that gets them to lower their walls just a little bit, and start to turn around, because you are showing you are "safe." NOT for the faint of heart! Doesn't matter if he's out there looking for someone else, or not, or even with someone else already, because he's obviously not working on his stuff, so the same thing will happen with any new girl. What one is doing in my above example is (if one doesn't want to just walk away, that is), is behaving like someone who is secure. Secure means = secure in your own value and worth as a person so much, that other people, no matter what they do, or don't do, or no matter how disdainful and contemptuous they get, don't and can't throw you off your game, because you are that solid in yourself, and are able to fully stand your ground. Do that, and a DA will feel safe with you, as you have done what most others their whole life haven't been able to do: not take their withdrawal as a personal attack, which equates to not attacking and then abandoning them (even if they were the ones to initially leave). Just remember, their withdrawal and cutting off comes from intense anxiety, not because they don't care. |
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Aug 9, 2019 2:26:44 GMT
Thank you durassa, I hope it works out for you. Thank you for sharing all that. I may have expressed anger towards him, but I promise that I have way more compassion for him than anger. After all, I have seen that beautiful person. I spent time with him for over a year. I know he is not a bad person. I have imagined in my head what it would be like if I saw him or spoke to him again, and I have imagined being angry, but I have also imagined being very, very kind, knowing that he needed some understanding. I don't know what will happen. I know where he works and I could easily "happen to pass by" where he works and "bump" into him, but I don't think that would be a good idea. I just don't think there will be a time we run into each other. I don't know if I'll see him again, and I accept that. Again, thank you for sharing and I truly hope things work out for you and you both will find happiness. |
|
