Ross
New Member
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Post by Ross on Aug 10, 2019 16:55:24 GMT
DAs are coward at their core. They are fearful of difficult conversations where they could be criticized / exposed. It is not surprising at all that they ghost, taking excuses of all sorts.
I went through something very similar to your story. I was for a year and a half with a DA and living together. As I saw the real him (aloof, not interested in anything, playing video games every night, contributing to nothing in the household, etc) I became more distant too, as I am slightly avoidant as well. One night his legs were twitching and I told him, in an annoyed tone: "You keep moving, it is impossible to sleep".
Two days later he ghosted me. I came back from work and all his stuff was gone, cars gone, door left unlocked because the keys were left inside. A few lines were written on a piece of paper saying he felt my caring for him diminish in the past few weeks and that my reaction two nights before made him realize the change. And that his gut was telling him he was not the one for me. Never a conversation, never an answer to the phone call and the message I sent the day after. Notice that it was not even a fight, just an annoyed observation at his sleeping disturbance. The day after the twitching legs incident, I also explained to him why I felt so annoyed, not only I could not sleep but also I allowed him to be at my place and he always seemed stressed and unhappy. No response from him, when I explained.
Avoidants are often overly sensitive to any kind of criticism, they try so hard to portrait a perfect facade of flawless strength and perfection.
I feel your pain. It is despicable to say the least to ghost especially in a long term relationship.
I also think it is a blessing in disguise. The loser showed his true colors. He showed what a piece of coward trash he was. People like this, just like my ex, will always be coward losers at their core. Good riddance.
I would focus more on why you felt attached to someone giving you so little and objectively of such low value (a high value person would never ever ghost, especially a long term partner).
After a lot of pain, just like what you are going through, I felt so relieved that my ex did something so outrageously pathetic that I could never consider taking him back, even if he came back. Life is way too precious and short to be wasted with such losers.
You deserve (and will find) so much better.
Big hugs!
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Post by nyc718 on Aug 10, 2019 17:58:34 GMT
DAs are coward at their core. They are fearful of difficult conversations where they could be criticized / exposed. It is not surprising at all that they ghost, taking excuses of all sorts. I went through something very similar to your story. I was for a year and a half with a DA and living together. As I saw the real him (aloof, not interested in anything, playing video games every night, contributing to nothing in the household, etc) I became more distant too, as I am slightly avoidant as well. One night his legs were twitching and I told him, in an annoyed tone: "You keep moving, it is impossible to sleep". Two days later he ghosted me. I came back from work and all his stuff was gone, cars gone, door left unlocked because the keys were left inside. A few lines were written on a piece of paper saying he felt my caring for him diminish in the past few weeks and that my reaction two nights before made him realize the change. And that his gut was telling him he was not the one for me. Never a conversation, never an answer to the phone call and the message I sent the day after. Notice that it was not even a fight, just an annoyed observation at his sleeping disturbance. The day after the twitching legs incident, I also explained to him why I felt so annoyed, not only I could not sleep but also I allowed him to be at my place and he always seemed stressed and unhappy. No response from him, when I explained. Avoidants are often overly sensitive to any kind of criticism, they try so hard to portrait a perfect facade of flawless strength and perfection. I feel your pain. It is despicable to say the least to ghost especially in a long term relationship. I also think it is a blessing in disguise. The loser showed his true colors. He showed what a piece of coward trash he was. People like this, just like my ex, will always be coward losers at their core. Good riddance. I would focus more on why you felt attached to someone giving you so little and objectively of such low value (a high value person would never ever ghost, especially a long term partner). After a lot of pain, just like what you are going through, I felt so relieved that my ex did something so outrageously pathetic that I could never consider taking him back, even if he came back. Life is way too precious and short to be wasted with such losers. You deserve (and will find) so much better. Big hugs! |
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Post by nyc718 on Aug 10, 2019 18:20:19 GMT
@ross, I am so sorry, I totally understand. I am past that anger phase as I have been able to come to a better understanding of how my ex may be thinking.
I said that I consider myself secure, HOWEVER, I CAN become anxious if that's what someone is drawing out of me with mixed messages, signals, saying one thing and then backpedaling that that wasn't what they meant. For me, it was so subtle, so I was mostly focused on the good, because that's just who I am; I don't focus on the negative unless there's so much negative that I can't help but focus on that.
I am someone who loves freely and without suspicion, and unfortunately I have learned the hard way many times that not everyone thinks that way. I can see the beauty in people despite their flaws and I assumed they were the same.
With my ex, there were so many beautiful things about him, not to mention that I was attracted to him and the lifestyle he had which was the pretty much the same I had; we bonded over music and the type of scenes we hang out in. Honestly what we bonded over is not easy to find with a person that you are also attracted to, so there were plenty of reasons why I was drawn to him. Plus I have to say, most of the time, things were easy when we were together.
There were red flags looking back for sure, hindsight is always 20/20, BUT like I said, I'm someone who sees the beauty in people, so I don't usually see things and think Oh I'd better run, it's just not how I operate. I allow for flaws and misunderstandings, we are all human after all! People disagree, we talk it out, we move on. That's how it works! It really is that simple for me. I've had a few long term relationships with secure people so I know this is just how it works.
It was only when we had some arguments/misunderstandings that I saw that things might be off, but I just quickly forgot about them until this last one, which obviously overloaded his system, and I didn't even realize he had a system that was easily overloaded.
Now, I'm not saying I'm perfect, I know I'm not, but I am not selling myself as perfect nor am I asking for perfection from anyone else. I accept people for who they are, and either we work together to make a relationship the best it can be or we don't. Some people simply can't be a part of that. They get triggered/activated and it just causes them to flee. It's the easy way out, but it's also sometimes the cowardly way out for sure, as it hurts the others involved. If it was just about one person it wouldn't matter, but we all have accountability towards others so it hurts others greatly when they shut down and aren't able to see that their actions affect others.
I am sorry for your pain. I know how it feels. I hope you are able to make sense of it all and that you also find someone more suited to you. I am taking it day by day. I sometimes want to contact him, but I mostly feel like he knows how to contact me too, so if he wanted to/felt strong enough to, he would. I feel that giving him the space that he so desperately needs is the best thing. I do miss him, but I can't be the only one who cares in a relationship.
I wish you the best, hugs back to you.
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Post by nyc718 on Aug 11, 2019 4:00:41 GMT
durassa, I sent you a PM, can you check it please, thank you
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Ross
New Member
Posts: 2
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Post by Ross on Aug 11, 2019 18:08:20 GMT
I am someone who loves freely and without suspicion, and unfortunately I have learned the hard way many times that not everyone thinks that way. I can see the beauty in people despite their flaws and I assumed they were the same. With my ex, there were so many beautiful things about him, not to mention that I was attracted to him and the lifestyle he had which was the pretty much the same I had; we bonded over music and the type of scenes we hang out in. Honestly what we bonded over is not easy to find with a person that you are also attracted to, so there were plenty of reasons why I was drawn to him. Plus I have to say, most of the time, things were easy when we were together. I so understand you. It is unthinkable for me as well to toss away a great connection, and later in life they do not happen often. I am totally with you, that if someone has issues, you talk things over. But that is not how an extreme DA thinks. I had the same experience as you, so much in common, in such rare way, and intense, easy connection, easy getting along. BUT the fact remains that these people are capable of turning their back, tossing everything down the drain and ghosting. Nothing will change that, and they will do it again. People do not do extreme things just once. This is a pattern, in response to even small problems / disagreements. This pattern WILL happen again with anyone they date. If they end up marrying, they will find other distancing strategies, if logistically they cannot ghost (up and leave). So they may cheat / stonewall / do the silent treatment / become rude..... This dark side is just as relevant as their good side. And no matter how great of a match someone is, it does not matter if they are able to toss someone away so quickly. It is impossible to feel secure when you are with someone that is able to ghost you like that. Another thing that may help is considering whether your ex was a covert narcissist or had some narcissistic traits. This could explain why things were so easy and pleasant in the beginning: it might have been a form of love bombing. And while there were for sure common interests / lifestyle to begin with, the ease of the connection might have been also because he was mirroring you. So the great things you saw in him might have been reflections of the great things in yourself. |
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Post by nyc718 on Aug 11, 2019 22:31:59 GMT
I am someone who loves freely and without suspicion, and unfortunately I have learned the hard way many times that not everyone thinks that way. I can see the beauty in people despite their flaws and I assumed they were the same. With my ex, there were so many beautiful things about him, not to mention that I was attracted to him and the lifestyle he had which was the pretty much the same I had; we bonded over music and the type of scenes we hang out in. Honestly what we bonded over is not easy to find with a person that you are also attracted to, so there were plenty of reasons why I was drawn to him. Plus I have to say, most of the time, things were easy when we were together. I so understand you. It is unthinkable for me as well to toss away a great connection, and later in life they do not happen often. I am totally with you, that if someone has issues, you talk things over. But that is not how an extreme DA thinks. I had the same experience as you, so much in common, in such rare way, and intense, easy connection, easy getting along. BUT the fact remains that these people are capable of turning their back, tossing everything down the drain and ghosting. Nothing will change that, and they will do it again. People do not do extreme things just once. This is a pattern, in response to even small problems / disagreements. This pattern WILL happen again with anyone they date. If they end up marrying, they will find other distancing strategies, if logistically they cannot ghost (up and leave). So they may cheat / stonewall / do the silent treatment / become rude..... This dark side is just as relevant as their good side. And no matter how great of a match someone is, it does not matter if they are able to toss someone away so quickly. It is impossible to feel secure when you are with someone that is able to ghost you like that. Another thing that may help is considering whether your ex was a covert narcissist or had some narcissistic traits. This could explain why things were so easy and pleasant in the beginning: it might have been a form of love bombing. And while there were for sure common interests / lifestyle to begin with, the ease of the connection might have been also because he was mirroring you. So the great things you saw in him might have been reflections of the great things in yourself. |
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