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Post by nyc718 on Aug 7, 2019 4:40:13 GMT
I am just trying to wrap my head around the fact that my ex bf who ghosted me about 6 weeks ago can just not care like that. We saw each other regularly every other weekend, sometimes more depending on the schedule with his daughter, but for over a year we connected ( as much as he could) and shared a lot. I know he opened up to me the most out of anyone in his life.
Can he really just not give a shit about me like that, ever again? Will he ever feel bad that he just dropped off the face of the earth on me, knowing I cared about him and his life?
I know it's best we're not together, but like I said, I am just trying to wrap my head around this all. I went from being a secure person to an insecure anxious mess, and I need to know that he was worth this. I know I will gather myself together again eventually, but the daily pain I feel now is so deep, it's going to take a while. I am both deeply sad and furious that I am in this situation. Thank you anyone who can give me some insight.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2019 16:44:07 GMT
Anger is a thing and all people experience it, in different ways.
If you have expressed yourself with him as you have in your other thread, I'd say he dodged a bullet and it is a good thing you two have gone your separate ways .I read your thread in the other section and it's full of self-justification, empathy for your own emotions but not his, justifications for your self while celebrating his inability to "ever" have a good relationship, and calling him a broken shitty jackass or something to that effect.
You also seem to have sacrificed your own needs to accommodate him, and behaved insecurely in a relationship that was not in your best interest and which demanded accommodation that you are bemoaning now- all for a physical type, and music and places and whatever connection you believe you had which was, by your description, on his terms. That's not secure. It's something else which you are free to explore if you really want to understand what is within your responsibility and control.
The only insight I can offer is that you are not as secure as you think, and being single and 48 but claiming it's everyone else in the dating pool that is unhealthy raises an eyebrow.
I guess you can hold on to that idea if it helps you. However; you should post about it in the other area of the forum because this area isn't for playing victim to DA's and bitching. It's for avoidants working on healing their own attachment wounds that you feel the need to celebrate.
Best of luck and take it somewhere else.
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Post by nyc718 on Aug 7, 2019 18:57:45 GMT
@sherry I never, ever said or have I been anything but kind and accommodating to him. You seem very defensive and only wanting to zero in on the negative parts of what I wrote while dismissing other key points, such as I didn't even know he was a DA until we broke up.
Because I am a secure person, I was able to accommodate him, as I said. I do not force myself onto people nor do I cry or scream or demand anything from people. I was able to see a great person in him, aside from the mixed messages and the way he shut down on me.
As far as calling him shitty, I DID acknowledge it was the pain talking. The fact that you are so defensive and trying to insult me and my age actually says more about you, whoever you are. I am being honest about my feelings and expressing the desire to understand him and what I went through with him. If YOU somehow took this personally, then YOU need to examine YOURSELF. I'm here trying to understand how him and those like him operate, which is not how people like myself operate.
I'm not claiming to be perfect because I am not, nor will I ever be. But if you're going to attack me then expect to be attacked back.
And just FYI, I have an amazing 14 year old who I love and have a great relationship with. His father and I get along and I have great friends and a great job. This 48 year old may not have met a great man post divorce, but my life is good, and at least I don't have to come on forums and take a post about someone else personally and attack the writer as if they were talking about me. Have a great day.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 7, 2019 19:08:31 GMT
nyc718, the support boards are primarily for people of the same attachment style to discuss their own issues and seek advice. @sherry's main point sounds to me to be go to the general DA board if you are upset with a DA and coming at asking questions about someone of a different style from that place -- versus supporting that attachment style type as people question, understand, and heal themselves, not focus on their (ex) partner. But that you also won't get much understanding and advice from other DAs over there, as they will feel attacked by that approach (as any other insecure type would be by anyone coming at their type accusingly, even though it's out of pain). General practice on this board is examining your role in what happened, even if a partner has issues, and healing yourself, which is what Sherry's ultimately pointing you towards doing.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2019 19:12:43 GMT
@sherry I never, ever said or have I been anything but kind and accommodating to him. You seem very defensive and only wanting to zero in on the negative parts of what I wrote while dismissing other key points, such as I didn't even know he was a DA until we broke up. Because I am a secure person, I was able to accommodate him, as I said. I do not force myself onto people nor do I cry or scream or demand anything from people. I was able to see a great person in him, aside from the mixed messages and the way he shut down on me. As far as calling him shitty, I DID acknowledge it was the pain talking. The fact that you are so defensive and trying to insult me and my age actually says more about you, whoever you are. I am being honest about my feelings and expressing the desire to understand him and what I went through with him. If YOU somehow took this personally, then YOU need to examine YOURSELF. I'm here trying to understand how him and those like him operate, which is not how people like myself operate. I'm not claiming to be perfect because I am not, nor will I ever be. But if you're going to attack me then expect to be attacked back. And just FYI, I have an amazing 14 year old who I love and have a great relationship with. His father and I get along and I have great friends and a great job. This 48 year old may not have met a great man post divorce, but my life is good, and at least I don't have to come on forums and take a post about someone else personally and attack the writer as if they were talking about me. Have a great day. We can disagree, nonetheless this section isn't the place for your rant. Additionally, be reminded that you are on an internet forum with others who may not subscribe to your viewpoints, and if you ask for insight from them you may read something that lights you up as apparently my insight did. You're free to hold your line on the other thread, as I said. Have at it, and keep an open mind as not everyone sees things as you do. |
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Post by nyc718 on Aug 7, 2019 19:47:24 GMT
nyc718, the support boards are primarily for people of the same attachment style to discuss their own issues and seek advice. @sherry's main point sounds to me to be go to the general DA board if you are upset with a DA and coming at asking questions about someone of a different style from that place -- versus supporting that attachment style type as people question, understand, and heal themselves, not focus on their (ex) partner. But that you also won't get much understanding and advice from other DAs over there, as they will feel attacked by that approach (as any other insecure type would be by anyone coming at their type accusingly, even though it's out of pain). General practice on this board is examining your role in what happened, even if a partner has issues, and healing yourself, which is what Sherry's ultimately pointing you towards doing. Alexandra, thank you, I appreciate your explanation and reply. Perhaps if she had explained it the way you did without the personal attack, then the message would have been clearer. I personally have been in therapy for many years dealing with myself, as I know I can always improve myself. I do hope that I also maybe provided some insight on how someone who is not DA operates. My goal wasn't to attack anyone who is struggling but rather to understand. I have compassion for my ex, but I also have compassion for myself who loved someone who isn't able to accept that love. Thank you. |
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Post by nyc718 on Aug 7, 2019 19:49:46 GMT
@sherry I never, ever said or have I been anything but kind and accommodating to him. You seem very defensive and only wanting to zero in on the negative parts of what I wrote while dismissing other key points, such as I didn't even know he was a DA until we broke up. Because I am a secure person, I was able to accommodate him, as I said. I do not force myself onto people nor do I cry or scream or demand anything from people. I was able to see a great person in him, aside from the mixed messages and the way he shut down on me. As far as calling him shitty, I DID acknowledge it was the pain talking. The fact that you are so defensive and trying to insult me and my age actually says more about you, whoever you are. I am being honest about my feelings and expressing the desire to understand him and what I went through with him. If YOU somehow took this personally, then YOU need to examine YOURSELF. I'm here trying to understand how him and those like him operate, which is not how people like myself operate. I'm not claiming to be perfect because I am not, nor will I ever be. But if you're going to attack me then expect to be attacked back. And just FYI, I have an amazing 14 year old who I love and have a great relationship with. His father and I get along and I have great friends and a great job. This 48 year old may not have met a great man post divorce, but my life is good, and at least I don't have to come on forums and take a post about someone else personally and attack the writer as if they were talking about me. Have a great day. We can disagree, nonetheless this section isn't the place for your rant. Additionally, be reminded that you are on an internet forum with others who may not subscribe to your viewpoints, and if you ask for insight from them you may read something that lights you up as apparently my insight did. You're free to hold your line on the other thread, as I said. Have at it, and keep an open mind as not everyone sees things as you do. Apparently my post did something to "light you up" which is why you responded the way you did. I freely accept not everyone sees things as I do. You also do the same. Good day. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2019 20:50:12 GMT
We can disagree, nonetheless this section isn't the place for your rant. Additionally, be reminded that you are on an internet forum with others who may not subscribe to your viewpoints, and if you ask for insight from them you may read something that lights you up as apparently my insight did. You're free to hold your line on the other thread, as I said. Have at it, and keep an open mind as not everyone sees things as you do. Apparently my post did something to "light you up" which is why you responded the way you did. I freely accept not everyone sees things as I do. You also do the same. Good day. Your posting is offensive simply because you use abusive language and sound like a really mean person, a blame and shame type. It's not uncommon in anxious posters who blow up in an anxious tantrum after a long period of tippy toe behavior around an unavailable partner - maybe there is a clue. You say you're secure, I don't see that in the information you shared about yourself. I don't take your language or opinions personally. I don't know you, you don't know me and I actually have a relationship that is supportive and loving so your opinion doesn't reflect the reality of my life at all. There wasn't a personal attack against you although you may interpret it differently. I didn't make any point about you that you had not already made yourself. I quoted your own nasty name calling. If you think you are entitled to use abusive nasty language because you are in pain and get sweet hand holding and "there there, you poor thing" on a board populated by the attachment style the same as the style you are targeting with your name calling, your expectation is somewhat unrealistic. Lots of people hurt without resorting to that kind of communication- but it is a hallmark of anxious protest behavior and victim thinking- there is perhaps another clue. I haven't a real concern about your opinion of me, and I simply responded to your post here according to my viewpoint of your post and how you chose to approach this forum. Again- this isn't the right section to rant in, and I won't respond further to you here. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 8, 2019 2:00:08 GMT
We can disagree, nonetheless this section isn't the place for your rant. Additionally, be reminded that you are on an internet forum with others who may not subscribe to your viewpoints, and if you ask for insight from them you may read something that lights you up as apparently my insight did. You're free to hold your line on the other thread, as I said. Have at it, and keep an open mind as not everyone sees things as you do. Apparently my post did something to "light you up" which is why you responded the way you did. I freely accept not everyone sees things as I do. You also do the same. Good day. If you were/are looking for feedback from other DA members....as far as I know Sherry is it. We once had a lot of DA members, but they all got really sick and tired of the questions and accusations without the poster in question doing a deep self analysis of what he/she may have contributed...so they all left to form a support board that was truly addressing their needs. As an AP,I can’t speak to why your ex ghosted you....in all fairness...I have not even read that post....but I can say that accommodating another individual is something I do all the time...it is pretty instinctual as an AP to put the other person first hoping for reciprocal behavior...and then to feel angry when that does not happen consistently. I do hope you are able to learn a lot from these boards...I know I have. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2019 4:06:43 GMT
Ocarina is DA I think also, right? Good point tnr9 |
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Post by nyc718 on Aug 8, 2019 15:07:33 GMT
Apparently my post did something to "light you up" which is why you responded the way you did. I freely accept not everyone sees things as I do. You also do the same. Good day. Your posting is offensive simply because you use abusive language and sound like a really mean person, a blame and shame type. It's not uncommon in anxious posters who blow up in an anxious tantrum after a long period of tippy toe behavior around an unavailable partner - maybe there is a clue. You say you're secure, I don't see that in the information you shared about yourself. I don't take your language or opinions personally. I don't know you, you don't know me and I actually have a relationship that is supportive and loving so your opinion doesn't reflect the reality of my life at all. There wasn't a personal attack against you although you may interpret it differently. I didn't make any point about you that you had not already made yourself. I quoted your own nasty name calling. If you think you are entitled to use abusive nasty language because you are in pain and get sweet hand holding and "there there, you poor thing" on a board populated by the attachment style the same as the style you are targeting with your name calling, your expectation is somewhat unrealistic. Lots of people hurt without resorting to that kind of communication- but it is a hallmark of anxious protest behavior and victim thinking- there is perhaps another clue. I haven't a real concern about your opinion of me, and I simply responded to your post here according to my viewpoint of your post and how you chose to approach this forum. Again- this isn't the right section to rant in, and I won't respond further to you here. |
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Post by nyc718 on Aug 8, 2019 15:12:10 GMT
@sherry, clearly you took this very personally, which wasn't my goal. You keep telling me that I didn't do this or that and that is just how I interpreted it. I will say the same thing back to you; your interpretation is yours.
I will also say that you repeatedly ONLY look at and highlight what you see as negative words but refuse to see where I am saying; I am TRYING to understand, I KNOW it's the pain talking, I KNOW he is a GOOD PERSON.
I am glad you aren't going to respond anymore, because it really is a hamster wheel that you started.
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Post by nyc718 on Aug 8, 2019 15:13:03 GMT
Apparently my post did something to "light you up" which is why you responded the way you did. I freely accept not everyone sees things as I do. You also do the same. Good day. If you were/are looking for feedback from other DA members....as far as I know Sherry is it. We once had a lot of DA members, but they all got really sick and tired of the questions and accusations without the poster in question doing a deep self analysis of what he/she may have contributed...so they all left to form a support board that was truly addressing their needs. As an AP,I can’t speak to why your ex ghosted you....in all fairness...I have not even read that post....but I can say that accommodating another individual is something I do all the time...it is pretty instinctual as an AP to put the other person first hoping for reciprocal behavior...and then to feel angry when that does not happen consistently. I do hope you are able to learn a lot from these boards...I know I have. |
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Post by nyc718 on Aug 8, 2019 15:20:56 GMT
tnr9 I have learned a lot, truly. As far as sherry, she attacked me. I am fresh out of this break up and trying to understand. I express myself freely and truly without fear of my own feelings. She took that personally and then turned around and attacked me several times. To make it clear, I loved his man and I cared about him. The way he handled the situation, however, is not how a normal secure person operates and that's what led me to this place in the first place. I understand that my first post was posted in the wrong section, I get that now, but she kept coming after me over and over. I'm sorry, I am not someone who just takes someone coming after me. At this point I'm done with her because really, I know who I am and that I am a good person. As far as being angry at him for not reciprocating, yeah, I am angry, but I also have understanding why he's like that and I am definitely gleaning understanding how his mind operates after being on these boards. I truly am thankful for the insight.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2019 16:31:39 GMT
There are two fail proof ways to ensure that you don't hear my opinion.
1) Don't ask for my insight in the Support forum
2) Don't tag me.
🤦🏻♀️
I noticed that Jeb moved the thread, carry on.
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