Moved: Does a DA ever feel remorse or regret for hurting someone?

nyc212 - I have re-read your posts. This is my frank response. This is not attacking you but instead being as honest as I can be.

From an AP to another AP, you are handling and dealing with this situation in the complete wrong way.

You have come on this forum wanting answers but you have expressed yourself in an aggressive way. When I read your other thread, my first initial thought was "wow this is toxic". You have attacked and used a lot of nasty, cruel and judgemental things about your ex. I fully understand that you express and state it's the pain talking. But realistically if you are in pain, then you should speak to someone like a therapist to be able to deal with it in a more healthy way but it's extremely dangerous and offensive to post it and word it as you did here on a public forum. I am not an DA but I found it incredibly offensive and very abusive. I fully understand why others would get offended.

If you have read and understood the DA correctly, then you would know the DA has their own emotional pain they are dealing with. Where us AP's have the advantage to talk about our emotional pain, the DA doesn't. Their way of dealing with it - is to shutdown. That's where understanding and empathy should step in. You mentioned his not acting like a secure person. If he is a DA, then how can he act like a secure would? DA' is an insecure attachment style.

There are two sides to every story. I'm getting from your posts - that it's all about you and how you feel you have been wronged. You need to take responsibility for your own actions. And you need to seek help for your own emotional pain.

You need to take a step back and see the situation for how it is. This is not healthy behaviour.

Your hurt and angry - speak to a therapist to address it.

As it's been six weeks, you need to come to terms with the situation. You need to address your own attachment style and need to work on it. The same as he does - if he chooses too.

Seek help for your pain and depression. Move on from this situation.

As time goes on, the pain will subside and things will get easier. Once you start to address your own attachment style, then you will be able to see this story from a complete different perspective.

I should know as I have been through the exact same thing as you three months ago with a DA. I am feeling much stronger, healthier and happier since I have started to address my own attachment style. Since I became more familiar with DA attachment style.

DA's are not bad people and not the devil. They are just like any other human -  rightly deserve and worthy of love! 

This is how I regard this poster and her posts- and my statements were not an attack but a truthful response to the request for insight.

I don't feel personally offended although she is offensive. I see the poster as behaving like a drunk girl at a cocktail party, belligerent and weepy and lacking boundaries or any sense of respect.

I know that won't get me a fan club, but it's how it seems to me. I'm not all up in arms about the drunk girl I'm just not wanting to 1) entertain the drunk rant and 2) fail to make a boundary. However; I also don't have an issue making my position clear and sticking to it even if she's going to mischaracterize my intent and project her messy emotions onto it.

The initial post in the support forum was inappropriate and also asking for insight. I responded. And I stand by what I initially said.

It's toxic stuff and I think it's ok to disagree about all of it. I've got some super great things going on for me personally and this doesn't distract from that one bit, I am touched and excited and amazed and would go so far as to say I am experiencing miracles. So I really can't get into all that mess about meanie DA's it's not on point at all, not relevant really.

She could experience miracles too if she stops all this toxic crap and gets down to the nitty gritty of her problem- which is the same for all of us- it's our own issue to deal with and heal with.

Thank you! And honestly you and mamut have been a huge inspiration for me. Watching you post about your progress and real changes has been very inspiring . My life circumstances have aligned so that my own process has deepened, it's weird but cool how it all seems to flow together and you find what you need when you open to change.  

well said hola - and in addition to being unable to deliver- if there was even a hint of the hostility and toxic stuff directed at him in the "fight" , he may very well have said no thanks, eff this ish, and went no contact like anyone wishing to end a toxic relationship is free to do. When is it ghosting and when is it no contact? Depends on who initiates it? 🤔

Looking back, sure everything is crystal clear. While I was in it like I said, there were mixed messages. It was confusing and unclear.

As someone who did not know a thing about Avoidant Personalities until only a few weeks ago, there was no way for me to know any of what he did were signs to look out for. I am someone who (shouldn't) usually gives people the benefit of the doubt. Why? Because that's the kind of person I am - I am not out to get you or hurt you or do harm to you. So when someone does something like the things he did, it just wasn't on my radar to think it meant something. I DID think he had communication difficulties, I just had no clue how deep it ran.

Now as far as assuming anything, I will defend myself by saying that HE wanted to hang out with me too. Was his connection kind of choppy compared to others? Yes. Was that supposed to mean that I was supposed to know that he was some kind of avoidant personality? No, because I didn't know this even existed. Yes, NOW I know. Over the course of that past year, I didn't know. All I knew is that this guy was someone I cared about, we enjoyed each other's company, and yes, when I care about someone, I take care of them and I am giving. SUE ME.

Believe me, I have learned. You don't need to tell me to look at myself, I already am, and I will definitely be more discerning going forward.

I totally get that.

What I will say to you about all this, is that you introduced yourself to this forum in a very disrespectful and hostile, angry way. If you would like to have an intelligent, compassionate and honest discussion going forward many here will oblige.

Misunderstandings are common in relationships but don't have to involve hostility. You may feel all you feel as you wrote in your initial posts, but addressing questions to us all here in the manner you did was disrespectful and thoughtless and selfish.

You may have never intended to address me personally but if you read the room, you will see that I am pretty much the only DA here. So if you post in a forum clearly labeled as support for DA, the way you did, you are out of line. You were checked by the administrator. Your disrespect is allowed but your crossing forum etiquette is not.

Not only might you be more discerning in your choice of partner, I suggest you refrain from abusive language in your posting, and be mindful about outright hatred. Don't post hot. We all disagree and have certain delivery styles that don't go down well in one way or another- but using foul language in the matter you did (name calling your ex) and attacking him while addressing us for help, clearly didn't go over well.

Consider it.

Also, be sure not to conflate Avoidant Personaliry Disorder with Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style.

DA is not a personality disorder. Just be clear on that.

I'll say it one last time.
This isn't about hurt feelings.
Several posters have expressed it in several ways.
I simply do not wish to interact with you anymore as I find you to be toxic and annoying.
Whatever you feel about me or my sentiment is perfectly fine, but exchange is over.