|
Post by alexandra on Sept 8, 2019 1:13:46 GMT
lovebunny, you may take a brief look into BPD and how to recover from having a BPD partner. Even if she's not BPD, the recovery tips may help now that you're missing her. My understanding is that there are some very specific dynamics and attractions with BPD partners that can be pretty hard to let go of and trigger the non-BPD partner so hard it creates trauma.
|
|
|
Post by lovebunny on Sept 8, 2019 11:24:30 GMT
Thanks. I actually was with a BPD for a while. This woman was much more functional than that one, but the intensity of her focus on me felt quite similar. I definitely feel a little trauma-bonded and maybe need to go NC now.
|
|
|
Post by averyleigh on Sept 8, 2019 14:18:40 GMT
Averyleigh, I think what you wrote up there is an amazing explanation for your feelings and behavior. I totally seem to trigger this woman, I don't think she even understands why she's acting so crazy when it comes to me. And I feel powerless to stop it. Even when I give her my time, affection, attention, it's never enough, because she's giving me 80% more. And if I try to pull back so we can focus on ourselves individually, try to create some healthy distance, she loses it. It sucks because I liked her, I still like her, but she never gave me any space to invest in the relationship because I was so busy always trying to get her to back off! It turns in an instant from us genuinely enjoying each other, to her wheedling for more from me, then tears, accusations and emotional blackmail. I left our time together feeling exhausted and beat down. I don't think she does any of this maliciously. I think I triggered an addiction in her. She's blocked me now, anyway, after agreeing to be exclusive with a woman she just met, and apparently her attachment to me is a threat to that bond. I was trying to stay friends, which was what she said she wanted, and I opened up a little that I was feeling lonely and depressed, and somehow it turned into her feeling like she needed to fix me at the expense of everything else. Then I pulled back, and she blocked and unfriended me. It hurts, but it's for the best I guess. I'm actually proud of her. Just like she's not trying to be draining and clingy, I'm not trying to be cold and distant. We just trigger each other. Seriously, that last awful night we spent together, after she'd torn me a new a**hole for taking more than I give, for not wanting her as badly as she wanted me, I had a horrible anxiety attack, sobbing, couldn't breathe, like someone sitting on my chest. She realized, shocked: "I'm not good for you. I make you physically and emotionally ill." None of this is normal, right? The worst part is, now that she's stopped contact, I miss her, and am sitting on my hands to not contact her, not be that jerk who circles back and breadcrumbs and starts the whole mess up again. Hi lovebunny, I am so appreciative of your reply. It was difficult for me to express what I went through in my previous post because I felt shame for ever allowing myself to feel or act in that way. For a long time, I felt shame for caring for someone who didn’t actually deserve my friendship. He was selfish and stingy; a troubled person who displayed strong signs of narcissism. He had told me he and his whole family had struggled with relationships. Instead of running away, I felt a compulsion to help when I should have spent time working on myself. I don’t feel as much shame for this anymore, maybe because I feel this has changed me for the better. This forum and accounts like your own have helped me so much the last few weeks that I felt I had to give back, open up and give further insight of an AP. I think my worst fear is that I am not missable or loveable. Due to past family trauma (estranged from all members), when I am near a person who is dismissive (family members were all dismissive/fearful/narc) and reminiscent of their behaviors, I unleash my tormented child self and embarrassingly cling on to them for dear life. lol...am actually laughing right now thinking about it... how embarrassing indeed...although it’s sad but it is a bit hilarious...how fucked up we are. I keep reading from various sources that avoidants don’t miss people or don’t miss people in the same way AP do; for a long time this made me anxious and I just assumed the worst. But now reading your post gives me hope and tells me I am on the right track. That maybe I am not the only one missing my friend and it’s possible we are both sitting on our hands because we know better. Of course there is a part of me that wishes he would reach out and tell me I am missed, but that will never happen. He isn’t capable of doing that because that is not what he does, and I shouldn’t have an expectation that is outside of his comfort zone. Period. I am glad I dared to make changes. I am glad I didn’t pick up when he ringed me. I wouldn’t have been able to come as far as I have now had I decided jump back into a toxic cycle. But most importantly even if my friend doesn’t miss me or care, that doesn’t mean what we had wasn’t meaningful because it impacted me enough to make changes in my life, and for that alone I am forever thankful. I really appreciate you sharing your updates; it helps me understand more about myself and is also very healing.
|
|
|
Post by iz42 on Sept 11, 2019 5:38:27 GMT
The compulsion of needing to fix others is something wrong with me. The thinking that if I can change him would finally validate me is the real problem not the way he felt or dealt with things. Here I am feeling terrible pain and not understanding I should walk away. My emotions are brilliant alarm systems and indicators that I am in an unhealthy situation but yet I ignored them, in the same way I did when I was a child trying to survive in my family. As an adult I can choose, but here I was allowing the wounded child to act out, simmer in toxicity and take over my grown senses. It was hard to walk away when I could sense that he felt something for me (not just in my head; in addition to spending loads of time with me, his body language said a lot, he was always facing, hovering me, legs open, cheeks and lips flushed, constantly grooming his hair, pupils dilated in brightly lit areas and his eyes darted my from my eyes to my mouth constantly) I felt he cared in his own way, but probably never actually physically felt/acknowledged it himself. When we would meet up after days of stonewalling, I would feel so hurt I couldn’t even speak. The intensity of the emotions we both felt was unbearable. I would walk on egg shells and have trouble saying what I actually meant because I was so anxious from feeling rejected and he would only feel comfortable lashing out in anger, and cruel words which would make me shut down entirely. It felt really toxic, abusive, and inconsistent, mirroring my childhood. I believe to have also felt a trauma bond which kept me holding on. averyleigh this all sounds so familiar. It was illuminating for me to read it tonight. When you say "The thinking that if I can change him would finally validate me is the real problem not the way he felt or dealt with things," that really resonates with me. I feel the same way about myself. So maybe it's wrong of me to consider his role at all, but my other reaction is that you weren't in a relationship in a vacuum, and it sounds like he was cruel and verbally abusive at times. I find the concept of trauma bonding to be especially helpful because it moves away from the old victim blaming mentality. It's not to say that you (or I) don't bear responsibility or have the ability make choices, but the ripple effects of trauma can be real and powerful. I sense that you were frustrated with yourself when you wrote this post and I know that feeling all too well. You deserve a lot of credit for working so hard on these patterns.
|
|
|
Post by averyleigh on Sept 11, 2019 12:52:28 GMT
The compulsion of needing to fix others is something wrong with me. The thinking that if I can change him would finally validate me is the real problem not the way he felt or dealt with things. Here I am feeling terrible pain and not understanding I should walk away. My emotions are brilliant alarm systems and indicators that I am in an unhealthy situation but yet I ignored them, in the same way I did when I was a child trying to survive in my family. As an adult I can choose, but here I was allowing the wounded child to act out, simmer in toxicity and take over my grown senses. It was hard to walk away when I could sense that he felt something for me (not just in my head; in addition to spending loads of time with me, his body language said a lot, he was always facing, hovering me, legs open, cheeks and lips flushed, constantly grooming his hair, pupils dilated in brightly lit areas and his eyes darted my from my eyes to my mouth constantly) I felt he cared in his own way, but probably never actually physically felt/acknowledged it himself. When we would meet up after days of stonewalling, I would feel so hurt I couldn’t even speak. The intensity of the emotions we both felt was unbearable. I would walk on egg shells and have trouble saying what I actually meant because I was so anxious from feeling rejected and he would only feel comfortable lashing out in anger, and cruel words which would make me shut down entirely. It felt really toxic, abusive, and inconsistent, mirroring my childhood. I believe to have also felt a trauma bond which kept me holding on. averyleigh this all sounds so familiar. It was illuminating for me to read it tonight. When you say "The thinking that if I can change him would finally validate me is the real problem not the way he felt or dealt with things," that really resonates with me. I feel the same way about myself. So maybe it's wrong of me to consider his role at all, but my other reaction is that you weren't in a relationship in a vacuum, and it sounds like he was cruel and verbally abusive at times. I find the concept of trauma bonding to be especially helpful because it moves away from the old victim blaming mentality. It's not to say that you (or I) don't bear responsibility or have the ability make choices, but the ripple effects of trauma can be real and powerful. I sense that you were frustrated with yourself when you wrote this post and I know that feeling all too well. You deserve a lot of credit for working so hard on these patterns. Hi iz42, Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my post. It’s funny you mention the frustration in the post, because there was. I am not sure if you understood where it was stemming from but I can explain. I got frustrated with myself while writing when I noticed I was taking on more than I should. Yes it’s important for me to own my shit, but also it is also very important that I not pile on his shit. My frustration was I was observing that I was falling into a very typical AP pattern, which is assuming more/most fault is mine. (Or something is wrong with me) Accepting more ownership of the issues than I should is not a healthy thing to do. I may have upset him but no one deserves verbal or emotional abuse. It’s a bad habit I have from having a family who had no problem making me feel like a hinderance and deflected their problems on me. I wanted to give a better picture or what was happening, and making sure I wasn’t romanticizing my situation for the sake of a subconscious need of validation that it was real. I am starting to catch myself though when I am doing it and correcting it. I am happy to own my part in all of it but never again am I taking on what’s not mine.
|
|