My therapist was able to hurt me w/her words

I am also avoidant and I can certainly understand your hurt over this. Personally, I think this therapist-client relationship has run its course for you, and you need to change therapists immediately. To be honest I think she has lost sight of her mandate (which is to help you manage your issues) and has somehow crossed over the line into deliberately or inadvertently triggering and hurting you. And it doesn't really matter whether it's on purpose, the net result is that this professional relationship is no longer helping your or healthy for you.

With that said, I'm sorry you have become attached, this will make it a bit harder for you in light of your challenges to attach to people in the first place. But you just need to be self-protective at this point and do what's best for you.

Good luck.

To me, she said it harshly. To say that to me in the next session, right after we fought and I walked out of the previous session (something I've NEVER done) was almost careless on her part, if not intentional. We hadn't spent the last 3 months talking directly about that, but she was well aware that this is my issue and that I had added her as a contact in April.

My attachment figure telling me that she didn't care about being a contact in my phone was equivalent to her saying she didn't care about being a part of my life. It was the symbolism behind it (I didn't even know I did this until a few months ago- that I don't add people to my phone or call them by their name, I give them a title).

I don't know. Rejection for avoidants is a big-time issues, obviously. It's one reason why we stay away and keep everyone at arms length.

At the end of the session she asked, "What would have happened had I not reached out? What would you have done? Just mailed in your payments? Would I have heard from you again?" I've never been asked this by a therapist. It's like she wanted reassurance that I was going to come back. We were very friendly, prior to that.

Sorry to learn that your friend took that personally and you sort of had a falling out with your therapist. Maybe it's time to look for a new therapist? I've seen cases where therapists do indeed get frustrated with their clients after feeling like they have been plateauing in terms of progress for longer than expected period of time. If you truly feel wronged by this then definitely go find another one. In regards to your friend, what I've learned about knowing many DA's and FA's in my life is that you may need to at the very least understand that sometimes small things like that can and do hurt others that feel close to you. Sometimes things like that come across as a rejection, so I guess I'd like to encourage you to try and figure out a way to see if you can be mindful and practice analyzing and adapting different comfort levels of small things such as storing numbers in a phone book, for example. I understand that it may feel like a substantial action at this point but what if maybe you just tried baby steps and evaluated your own tolerances and feelings as you face some of the challenging feelings and discomforts? You already are demonstrating to me that you have a level of emotional intelligence that allows you to understand how others seem to feel based on your actions.... you are actually better at that than some avoidants I know and am close to. I also think the fav thing you go to therapy is also great and is a nice gateway towards become as secure with your attachment as can be. Hope you start to feel better about some of these occurrences that have hurt you.

talesofattachment, I always, always look forward to reading your posts/responses. Thank you for all your insight and all of the emotional energy you put into them!

To the original poster: I hear you and completely understand why you feel upset, and I'm wondering what you're attempting to gain through your sessions. A professional, ethical therapist establishes clear boundaries about the nature of their relationship with their client. They're technically in a position of power (your relationship is transactional, and you're paying them for a service), and the fact remains that they have an ethical code they abide by which prohibits them from forming friendships with their clients or even insinuating that they're intimate with you. They are NOT your friend, regardless of how long you've seen them. This is nothing personal against you or any of us; it's simply the way it is. I think you may be asking more of your therapist than she can give you. Maybe you can ask why this has been so hurtful to you (on a deeper level)? What's going on underneath the hurt and resentment? Can you imagine that her telling you she doesn't care might be how your friend feels when she knows she isn't in your phone? You, yourself, said it was a big deal for you to program someone in, and your therapist was helping you grow and reach more contentment (in the end) by causing you to consider the uncomfortable reality that you keeping people out of your phone may deactivate your attachment system and feel good in the immediate, but in the long-term, it won't keep you happy (as noted by your reaction to your therapist hinting that she doesn't care if she's in your phone). I think your therapist was doing what you paid her to do: getting you in touch with your discomfort, helping you to lean into it, and helping you let go of some of the stories you're telling yourself about who you are.

I've since interviewed multiple therapists and all have agreed that saying that was way too harsh and untherapeutic like. While it is her job to point things out, it didn't have to be done at that way or that critical juncture while trust was in question over other things. I walked out feeling guilted and shamed, considering whether or not to cut off all relationships.

Our sessions had become difficult. What was ironic was in the end, about three weeks ago, she displayed avoidant tendencies by lying and saying she had a death in the family and couldn't make my appointment time. This turned out not to be true. Ouch!

But I think my family and friends urging me to leave because the boundaries had been blurry already was what had me questioning.

I've since sat down with two therapists and replayed that conversation with her. That both raised their eyebrows when I said that after a year, I put her as contact in my phone. They asked if she recognized what that meant. I said yes. Then I relayed the conversation which hurt me. Both tilted their head to the side and apologized for her. The last one said, "I'm sorry she didn't recognize what this meant to you. It could have been used to foster the attachment and work through trust issues, however, to me, she sounded like she was slightly offended. The boundaries were hazy for you two and she reacted more like a friend."

Obviously, hundreds of hours of therapy cannot be articulated here. It was much more than one issue.

I do find it interesting when someone said that I chose someone who could not reciprocate my feelings. This is true. It is also true that attachments for me, are rare. I've found a therapist who gets me. He himself said that a bit of my connection was transference, the other part was picking someone unavailable to me, but that he knows because it's so rare for me, that there was legit connection. Such an odd dichotomy.

I since have been mourning this loss rather than blocking it out.

I totalllllyyyyyyy disagreeeee. I don’t think there is enough awareness and it accountability for DAs period. He hurt his friend then pushed her away. How is that kind aware or ethical?

Then he romanticized his doctor — there’s so many things wrong with this picture. I appreciate the micro look inside the mind of a DA and it shows their or an example at least of one strong sensitivity and emotional immaturity…

it shows a total focus on THEM AND THEOR feelings. There’s NO talk in the hurt and shocked friend or the efforts that the therapist had made… It is ALL ABOUT THE DA — as always.

This is BEYONDDDDDDDDD AND frankly tbh I’ve lurked and read every single post up to this point from the beginning and this is the ONLY one I ever felt absolutely compelled to comment on due to the emotional fragility and frailty of the DA in question. Despite their trauma which I have compassion for they are so out of touch and need classes on how to be normal and that’s a loose definition but perhaps not socially inept and utterly selfish to be clear. It appears at the root an issue processing shame. I am not sure yet but what is clear is 25% of the population is in severe need of help.

While I commend you for getting “help” this post exhibits the inability (or one example of it) for a DA to become full self actualitized and to step away from being socially inept at a deeper level as

I feel many DAs are the “star” of the show before the mask falls or behind closed doors, or when the tire hits the pavement, and there is ego here and a lot of it. Ego wanting to show who is “in” and who isn’t regarding having a name.

I’ve seen other DAs call people that holistic girl or that doctor friend or the lawyer friend blah blah neve me acknowledging people or giving them even a name …

If the DA could only see how abnormal these little things are …

Supposedly studies show 1 in 4 seek help or even remotely recover. After reading this and after experiencing this and seeing others experience, this is nothing short of a form of a personality disorder and the therapist is right.

How long can you hold someone’s hand and sugarcoat their experience? After that many months he should have made more progress and a harsh willingness to LOOK WITHIN and see HE IS THE PROBLEM NOT THE THERAPIST!

I feel post below and ones like it l (no offense and not personal) but it enables and perpetuates the lack of accountability…

I literally just can’t. Also you guys are not supporting his healing. The therapist is a therapist for a reason … it’s not the therapist who hit a wall it’s the patient in denial !

Good post. Him not adding them to their phone is a form of control, called dismissiveness, and ego. Him attaching to his therapist is you are totally correct a form of wanting some thing that he can’t have and therefore it is safe. Another dismissive avoidant issue. Him being overly sensitive to her is probably some kind of parental issue or mother issue where he was not able to procure attention from the mother and that put him back in the cycle that he is used to. And the ultimate issue it’s his utter lack of self-awareness and inability to internalize are integrate these parts of himself and to step away from the ego and actually recover.