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Post by pumpkinbear on Jan 19, 2022 13:38:01 GMT
Ok. First of all every other therapist is going to kid glove you because they want your long-term business OK. That’s like a 1 to 5 year insurance policy or longer. So of course they’re going to side with you on that. But a truly healthy non-biased person is going to tell you that it was part of the growth process In addition once again it’s all about you while it’s your therapy part of your therapy is teaching you that it’s actually not all about you what you completely seem to have missed the point. That’s just so unfortunate. But it is what it is what it is what it is As for her being “avoidant it” and not taking your appointment saying that there was a death first of all you have no idea if there was a death in her life it could’ve been someone remote that she could not go to that was out of state or that she needed time to recover from on top of it I have no idea why she would want to see you again because of your pedantic childish fit throwing. Your friends are emotionally coddling you and enabling you they should have been able to tell you honestly that it’s absolutely inappropriate one for you to put her as a contact and tell her that you should’ve added everyone as a contact. This is just unfortunately in my opinion ridiculous you have been hand held and cuddled and that allows you to avoid ultimate responsibility and growth. I really see where you were trapped in a bubble of your own world and in my opinion out of touch I’m sorry but that’s my honest opinion I've since interviewed multiple therapists and all have agreed that saying that was way too harsh and untherapeutic like. While it is her job to point things out, it didn't have to be done at that way or that critical juncture while trust was in question over other things. I walked out feeling guilted and shamed, considering whether or not to cut off all relationships. Our sessions had become difficult. What was ironic was in the end, about three weeks ago, she displayed avoidant tendencies by lying and saying she had a death in the family and couldn't make my appointment time. This turned out not to be true. Ouch! But I think my family and friends urging me to leave because the boundaries had been blurry already was what had me questioning. I've since sat down with two therapists and replayed that conversation with her. That both raised their eyebrows when I said that after a year, I put her as contact in my phone. They asked if she recognized what that meant. I said yes. Then I relayed the conversation which hurt me. Both tilted their head to the side and apologized for her. The last one said, "I'm sorry she didn't recognize what this meant to you. It could have been used to foster the attachment and work through trust issues, however, to me, she sounded like she was slightly offended. The boundaries were hazy for you two and she reacted more like a friend." Obviously, hundreds of hours of therapy cannot be articulated here. It was much more than one issue. I do find it interesting when someone said that I chose someone who could not reciprocate my feelings. This is true. It is also true that attachments for me, are rare. I've found a therapist who gets me. He himself said that a bit of my connection was transference, the other part was picking someone unavailable to me, but that he knows because it's so rare for me, that there was legit connection. Such an odd dichotomy. I since have been mourning this loss rather than blocking it out.
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Post by pumpkinbear on Jan 19, 2022 13:39:35 GMT
Yeah with all of your issues respectfully, you definitely need to see a male therapist as you are definitely out of touch and are going to bond to a woman who actually can’t have and then try to make her feel special that she’s special to you while she’s trying to point out the people that are actually special to you or feeling unimportant discarded and possibly used but that’s irrrelevant to you because again it was all about you. Oh well. It was great to get insight into the serious cognitive distortions. . I've since interviewed multiple therapists and all have agreed that saying that was way too harsh and untherapeutic like. While it is her job to point things out, it didn't have to be done at that way or that critical juncture while trust was in question over other things. I walked out feeling guilted and shamed, considering whether or not to cut off all relationships. Our sessions had become difficult. What was ironic was in the end, about three weeks ago, she displayed avoidant tendencies by lying and saying she had a death in the family and couldn't make my appointment time. This turned out not to be true. Ouch! But I think my family and friends urging me to leave because the boundaries had been blurry already was what had me questioning. I've since sat down with two therapists and replayed that conversation with her. That both raised their eyebrows when I said that after a year, I put her as contact in my phone. They asked if she recognized what that meant. I said yes. Then I relayed the conversation which hurt me. Both tilted their head to the side and apologized for her. The last one said, "I'm sorry she didn't recognize what this meant to you. It could have been used to foster the attachment and work through trust issues, however, to me, she sounded like she was slightly offended. The boundaries were hazy for you two and she reacted more like a friend." Obviously, hundreds of hours of therapy cannot be articulated here. It was much more than one issue. I do find it interesting when someone said that I chose someone who could not reciprocate my feelings. This is true. It is also true that attachments for me, are rare. I've found a therapist who gets me. He himself said that a bit of my connection was transference, the other part was picking someone unavailable to me, but that he knows because it's so rare for me, that there was legit connection. Such an odd dichotomy. I since have been mourning this loss rather than blocking it out.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2022 13:45:55 GMT
I totalllllyyyyyyy disagreeeee. I don’t think there is enough awareness and it accountability for DAs period. He hurt his friend then pushed her away. How is that kind aware or ethical? Then he romanticized his doctor — there’s so many things wrong with this picture. I appreciate the micro look inside the mind of a DA and it shows their or an example at least of one strong sensitivity and emotional immaturity… it shows a total focus on THEM AND THEOR feelings. There’s NO talk in the hurt and shocked friend or the efforts that the therapist had made… It is ALL ABOUT THE DA — as always. This is BEYONDDDDDDDDD AND frankly tbh I’ve lurked and read every single post up to this point from the beginning and this is the ONLY one I ever felt absolutely compelled to comment on due to the emotional fragility and frailty of the DA in question. Despite their trauma which I have compassion for they are so out of touch and need classes on how to be normal and that’s a loose definition but perhaps not socially inept and utterly selfish to be clear. It appears at the root an issue processing shame. I am not sure yet but what is clear is 25% of the population is in severe need of help. While I commend you for getting “help” this post exhibits the inability (or one example of it) for a DA to become full self actualitized and to step away from being socially inept at a deeper level as I feel many DAs are the “star” of the show before the mask falls or behind closed doors, or when the tire hits the pavement, and there is ego here and a lot of it. Ego wanting to show who is “in” and who isn’t regarding having a name. I’ve seen other DAs call people that holistic girl or that doctor friend or the lawyer friend blah blah neve me acknowledging people or giving them even a name … If the DA could only see how abnormal these little things are … Supposedly studies show 1 in 4 seek help or even remotely recover. After reading this and after experiencing this and seeing others experience, this is nothing short of a form of a personality disorder and the therapist is right. How long can you hold someone’s hand and sugarcoat their experience? After that many months he should have made more progress and a harsh willingness to LOOK WITHIN and see HE IS THE PROBLEM NOT THE THERAPIST! I feel post below and ones like it l (no offense and not personal) but it enables and perpetuates the lack of accountability… I literally just can’t. Also you guys are not supporting his healing. The therapist is a therapist for a reason … it’s not the therapist who hit a wall it’s the patient in denial ! I can see how that wouod feel painful. How u might see those words as a direct rejection. Maybe she communicated it poorly. You can tell her that was a hurtful not helpful remark. Please try not to let that experience have too much power over you. You decided to give her that trust and now you can decide to take it back. You are in control of that. She doesnt represent how everyone is. I went thru at least 4 before i found one i really trusted. I asked my therapist once how is it that she stays unattached or doesnt get her feelings hurt or bothered by her clients. She said she has to know not to take anything personally, that it is not ever about her or gaining comfort for herself. So in a way she cannot care if a patient loves her or is indifferent about hershe just needs to help that person realize their own stengths. So maybe your dumb therapist meant it in a similar way but it came out wrong?? Anyone? Hello? Hello? Finger pointing and criticizing, no? Toxic crap? Anyone? Of course not! I reported the last of this newcomer's posts and Jeb removed it, stating not only was it extremely toxic it was poorly worded. Of course one approach is to not approach this kind of mud slinging at all. And naturally, because it was a directed at a DA, NO. Member. Called. This. Out. Really? Stuff like this I just tolerate here. If I were an AP I would have a fit and get all kinds of backup.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2022 13:47:04 GMT
As we can see here again his focuses on him and what he wants his focus is not on his friend that he hurt. I totally agree he should not have switch therapist and I agree with the other person who said that discomfort is a part of growth. And that is just not acceptable to the dismissive avoidant where in my opinion everything has to be just so-so. As strong as they are and as much as they can take there is some part of them that remains emotionally mature socially inapt and completely out of touch it is really unfortunate and should be a diagnosable clinical issue this is beyond a normal attachment issue while it is an attachment issue I totally agree it should also be a personality disorder because number one they are wired this way and number two they rarely are able to change or even seek help so I commend his awareness but he needed to do more I don't think that her purpose was to tell you she didn't care about being a part of your life. It seems to me that her purpose was to make you think of your friend. Your real friend, the one that is actually supposed to be your friend, that you don't have to pay to spend some time with. If you had heard the message, maybe it would have lead to another post on this forum, whose title could have been "I was able to hurt my friend with my behavior". It's probably a bad idea to change therapist, but considering that this post is almost one month old, and that you liked howpredictable's message, I guess it's already done. Fine, there are thousands of therapists out there. Just remember that at some point, if you have made no significant progress, then the problem has probably nothing to do with the various therapists that you tried.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2022 13:48:09 GMT
It's almost comical the way a toxic AP will get the space to express their tantrum here. And criticize a DA for being unable to change. Really sick.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2022 14:06:41 GMT
My theory is that one major factor that keeps DA out of therapy with their AP "partner" is because of the amount of abuse they already take at home. I for one have been fearful of being ganged up on in a therapist's office because I couldn't handle any more pain than I already had.
Food for thought. I think the narrative needs to change.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 16, 2022 15:16:37 GMT
I totalllllyyyyyyy disagreeeee. I don’t think there is enough awareness and it accountability for DAs period. He hurt his friend then pushed her away. How is that kind aware or ethical? Then he romanticized his doctor — there’s so many things wrong with this picture. I appreciate the micro look inside the mind of a DA and it shows their or an example at least of one strong sensitivity and emotional immaturity… it shows a total focus on THEM AND THEOR feelings. There’s NO talk in the hurt and shocked friend or the efforts that the therapist had made… It is ALL ABOUT THE DA — as always. This is BEYONDDDDDDDDD AND frankly tbh I’ve lurked and read every single post up to this point from the beginning and this is the ONLY one I ever felt absolutely compelled to comment on due to the emotional fragility and frailty of the DA in question. Despite their trauma which I have compassion for they are so out of touch and need classes on how to be normal and that’s a loose definition but perhaps not socially inept and utterly selfish to be clear. It appears at the root an issue processing shame. I am not sure yet but what is clear is 25% of the population is in severe need of help. While I commend you for getting “help” this post exhibits the inability (or one example of it) for a DA to become full self actualitized and to step away from being socially inept at a deeper level as I feel many DAs are the “star” of the show before the mask falls or behind closed doors, or when the tire hits the pavement, and there is ego here and a lot of it. Ego wanting to show who is “in” and who isn’t regarding having a name. I’ve seen other DAs call people that holistic girl or that doctor friend or the lawyer friend blah blah neve me acknowledging people or giving them even a name … If the DA could only see how abnormal these little things are … Supposedly studies show 1 in 4 seek help or even remotely recover. After reading this and after experiencing this and seeing others experience, this is nothing short of a form of a personality disorder and the therapist is right. How long can you hold someone’s hand and sugarcoat their experience? After that many months he should have made more progress and a harsh willingness to LOOK WITHIN and see HE IS THE PROBLEM NOT THE THERAPIST! I feel post below and ones like it l (no offense and not personal) but it enables and perpetuates the lack of accountability… I literally just can’t. Also you guys are not supporting his healing. The therapist is a therapist for a reason … it’s not the therapist who hit a wall it’s the patient in denial ! Anyone? Hello? Hello? Finger pointing and criticizing, no? Toxic crap? Anyone? Of course not! I reported the last of this newcomer's posts and Jeb removed it, stating not only was it extremely toxic it was poorly worded. Of course one approach is to not approach this kind of mud slinging at all. And naturally, because it was a directed at a DA, NO. Member. Called. This. Out. Really? Stuff like this I just tolerate here. If I were an AP I would have a fit and get all kinds of backup. I am very glad you reported this poster for inappropriate and disrespectful conduct. I will admit that I typically do not venture into the DA board often because I have a lot more familiarity with FA and AP….and I do sometimes take breaks when I feel overwhelmed by stuff in my own life and just want some down time. I will say that it appears this poster is gone….which is a very good thing. I think we specifically need to ask Jeb to move narcissists to a separate forum…..I feel that having that mentioned in the description allows unaware insecures to lump DAs and NPDs under 1 umbrella category.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 16, 2022 18:25:38 GMT
I hadn't seen any of this. But I would have simply disengaged because it's unreasonable. There's no penetrating or changing someone's mind who is coming in entrenched and aggressive. Almost no possibility for meaningful discourse. There is another forum tnr9 with it broken out but no one used it! jebkinnison.com/new-forums/
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2022 19:55:44 GMT
I haven't searched for another forum but there must be one that has a little better climate.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 16, 2022 21:33:12 GMT
I haven't searched for another forum but there must be one that has a little better climate. Jeb created a different set of forums…..but no one is active over there.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 16, 2022 23:27:53 GMT
@introvert, you can try the reddit attachment_theory group forum, but just reading it gave me a headache lol.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2022 23:39:43 GMT
@introvert , you can try the reddit attachmenttheory group forum, but just reading it gave me a headache lol. Thanks. I kind of feel like the forum chapter is coming to a close anyway. I think that the balance has tipped for me in terms of what I want to encounter vs. what I don't. There is a pretty heavy concentration of the AP mentality and honestly I don't have that around me. Don't get me wrong, the community that comes and stays here is great. It's been so helpful and fun too. But I am getting to the point I'm just turned off by seeing the same story and narrative present time after time. I want to move on to other things. The forum is a great place to learn and grow if that's someone's intention!! And it's also an unaware AP magnet and it's just probably not good for me. I totally get that I choose the level of engagement but why even see it? It's not my real life and the time has come to step away. Best of luck to all who are doing the work, it's been great.
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