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Post by dve1991 on Aug 12, 2019 19:03:09 GMT
Hello, I am very new to exploring my attachment type but am fairly certain I qualify as a DA. There are a lot of things I need to look at within myself but the current, pressing issue on my mind is related to my attitude toward sex and general physical intimacy.
I have been in a relationship for approximately 6 months and systematically find myself disgusted by my partner's hints and cues that he is interested in sex with me. Physically, I find him very handsome, nonetheless any manifestation of of his desire for me, especially when he says he wants me, triggers feelings of revulsion. Although I know consciously that this is absurd, his flirtatious behavior makes me see him as "lesser than" or animalistic. My immediate instinct is to create physical distance and change the subject or perhaps make a cruel remark to lessen his interest in sex. Often this happens during dinner when my partner hints at what he wants later in the evening. I often find myself making excuses to avoid going home with him.
I know this is cruel on my part and unfair to my partner and I would like to make an effort to address this problem. Recently, I have forced myself a few times to go along with his desires and pretend as if I was excited about the prospect of intimacy. When we actually get to the act however, I still find myself disgusted. I am usually waiting for it to be over - and not at all engaged. I am unsure how aware my partner is of this but he has on occasion remarked.
This problem also spills over to public contexts where he wants to hold my hand or quickly kiss me. The idea of touching in front of other is especially unappealing and revolting. This systematically upsets my partner who takes it as a rejection of him even though I have often explained P.D.A. is (for now) a no-go for me.
I don't think anyone would be surprised to learn that I have been described as frigid and cold multiple times. I have even been accused of being asexual although I know this is not the case as I do feel sexual attraction and have on occasion enjoyed sex.
I don't expect anyone to have quick answers for this so my specific questions for the forum are: to what extent is this behavior typical for DAs? Are there other issues that might be at play?
Thank you.
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Post by hannah99 on Aug 12, 2019 19:34:29 GMT
I'm sorry you're experiencing this.
Please do not force yourself to do anything you don't truly want to do. I did this with my ex and it was very damaging for me.
If you feel you are able to, try to have an open and honest conversation with him about what you are experiencing.
It is not cruel not to want to sleep with somebody. You are not going anything wrong.
Are you able to speak to a therapist about how you are feeling?
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Post by dve1991 on Aug 12, 2019 20:47:02 GMT
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Please do not force yourself to do anything you don't truly want to do. I did this with my ex and it was very damaging for me. If you feel you are able to, try to have an open and honest conversation with him about what you are experiencing. It is not cruel not to want to sleep with somebody. You are not going anything wrong. Are you able to speak to a therapist about how you are feeling? Thank you, Hannah. Although I am not currently seeing a therapist I have in the past seen one regularly, and discussed this issue with a decent amount of depth, albeit with a different context. I had the same issue with my ex who was an extremely anxious attachment type. Second guessing of my commitment to him was constant. I felt I had become his emotional caretaker and at the time I blamed this for my lack of sexual interest. I figured it was impossible to have sexual feelings for someone with whom you have taken on an almost paternalistic role. My therapist backed up this thinking and suggested that I go through the motions of sex until I enjoyed it. “Fake it till’ you make it” essentially. This did not work although to be completely honest, my attempt was half-hearted. Like a typical DA, I ended the relationship. I am no longer sure that these sessions correctly identified the issues at hand and I don’t feel like I made much progress. I know that going back into therapy is the best option and that finding the right therapist takes time. The ironic thing about this (and perhaps this is true for other avoidant types) is that talking about these issues requires an enormous amount of mental preparation and reflection before you even step in the room with the counselor. Going to talk to a therapist about how opening up causes anxiety, gives me, well, a lot of anxiety. I’ll get back at it eventually, but it is a frustrating process. |
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Post by hannah99 on Aug 12, 2019 20:55:18 GMT
Please do not go back to that therapist!
That is horrible, horrible advice. Please never engage intimately unless you truly want to. Don't do that to yourself. That can only make things worse.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2019 21:40:56 GMT
I am avoidant also, female. I found myself progressively repulsed by sexual advances from anxious insecure males, as there was a kind of neediness and protest behavior that seemed childish and unmasculine to me.
I find sexual attraction consistent and strong with secure to avoidant types.
You aren't cruel, stop it. Don't take that crap on , the accusations of frigid and cold. Sexual attraction has many factors, emotional and hormonal and chemical (pheromones) .
It's impossible for me to be attracted to an insecure male who treats me like I'm his mom (needing excessive reassurance and emotional soothing or frequently complaining about me indicating a general lack of happiness) and also wanting to have sex with me. Those things don't go together for me. I don't feel bad about that because I realize I'm just a terrible fit for an anxious male, and he's a terrible fit for me. I know all about my libido and what turns me on, and that dynamic doesn't.
I've started somatic therapy with an attachment therapist and it's new but been really encouraging so far. Highly recommend a therapist experienced with attachment AND neurobiology of attachment. Nervous system involvement influences sexual arousal and capacity. ANS is involved in insecure attachment. There's an answer out there for you but forcing yourself into sex with someone who isn't appealing to you sexually isn't it, and that's not your fault.
Welcome to the boards and good luck!
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Post by dve1991 on Aug 13, 2019 1:37:40 GMT
Please do not go back to that therapist! That is horrible, horrible advice. Please never engage intimately unless you truly want to. Don't do that to yourself. That can only make things worse. I think you are right. I would much rather be single than go down that road again! |
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Post by dve1991 on Aug 13, 2019 2:05:06 GMT
I am avoidant also, female. I found myself progressively repulsed by sexual advances from anxious insecure males, as there was a kind of neediness and protest behavior that seemed childish and unmasculine to me. I find sexual attraction consistent and strong with secure to avoidant types. You aren't cruel, stop it. Don't take that crap on , the accusations of frigid and cold. Sexual attraction has many factors, emotional and hormonal and chemical (pheromones) . It's impossible for me to be attracted to an insecure male who treats me like I'm his mom (needing excessive reassurance and emotional soothing or frequently complaining about me indicating a general lack of happiness) and also wanting to have sex with me. Those things don't go together for me. I don't feel bad about that because I realize I'm just a terrible fit for an anxious male, and he's a terrible fit for me. I know all about my libido and what turns me on, and that dynamic doesn't. I've started somatic therapy with an attachment therapist and it's new but been really encouraging so far. Highly recommend a therapist experienced with attachment AND neurobiology of attachment. Nervous system involvement influences sexual arousal and capacity. ANS is involved in insecure attachment. There's an answer out there for you but forcing yourself into sex with someone who isn't appealing to you sexually isn't it, and that's not your fault. Welcome to the boards and good luck! Thanks for your thoughts, Sherry. I am a gay male and have noticed a tendency in many men to want a caretaker in their partner. My amateur opinion is that a healthy relationship balances independence and caretaking, erring on the side of the former rather than the latter. Otherwise, I think eroticism, is completely snuffed out with enough time. Another topic for another time though. I think I need to put more effort into finding a good therapist. Perhaps somatic therapy will be the path that sounds best after I have had more time to research. Just a clarification, the anxious or fear-avoidant guy was my ex. The person I am currently with, I suspect, is also dismissive-avoidant like myself. Unlike me though, he often initiates sex and touch. Also unlike me, he has zero ability to address conflict and emotion. Although it feels unnatural, I am usually able to force myself to have difficult conversations when necessary. But again, it feels like there's an insurmountable barrier between me and expressing affection, sexual or platonic. I sometimes find myself relating to men from older generations who are only able to express affection through gifts and gestures. Although I do not have the experience to prove this, my current hunch is that my problem stems not from incompatibility of attachment types but from an inability to express physical affection, no matter my partner. My ex's "neediness" certainly did not help matters, but with my current partner who is quite independent I unfortunately see myself falling into the same old pattern. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2019 2:16:03 GMT
I am avoidant also, female. I found myself progressively repulsed by sexual advances from anxious insecure males, as there was a kind of neediness and protest behavior that seemed childish and unmasculine to me. I find sexual attraction consistent and strong with secure to avoidant types. You aren't cruel, stop it. Don't take that crap on , the accusations of frigid and cold. Sexual attraction has many factors, emotional and hormonal and chemical (pheromones) . It's impossible for me to be attracted to an insecure male who treats me like I'm his mom (needing excessive reassurance and emotional soothing or frequently complaining about me indicating a general lack of happiness) and also wanting to have sex with me. Those things don't go together for me. I don't feel bad about that because I realize I'm just a terrible fit for an anxious male, and he's a terrible fit for me. I know all about my libido and what turns me on, and that dynamic doesn't. I've started somatic therapy with an attachment therapist and it's new but been really encouraging so far. Highly recommend a therapist experienced with attachment AND neurobiology of attachment. Nervous system involvement influences sexual arousal and capacity. ANS is involved in insecure attachment. There's an answer out there for you but forcing yourself into sex with someone who isn't appealing to you sexually isn't it, and that's not your fault. Welcome to the boards and good luck! Thanks for your thoughts, Sherry. I am a gay male and have noticed a tendency in many men to want a caretaker in their partner. My amateur opinion is that a healthy relationship balances independence and caretaking, erring on the side of the former rather than the latter. Otherwise, I think eroticism, is completely snuffed out with enough time. Another topic for another time though. I think I need to put more effort into finding a good therapist. Perhaps somatic therapy will be the path that sounds best after I have had more time to research. Just a clarification, the anxious or fear-avoidant guy was my ex. The person I am currently with, I suspect, is also dismissive-avoidant like myself. Unlike me though, he often initiates sex and touch. Also unlike me, he has zero ability to address conflict and emotion. Although it feels unnatural, I am usually able to force myself to have difficult conversations when necessary. But again, it feels like there's an insurmountable barrier between me and expressing affection, sexual or platonic. I sometimes find myself relating to men from older generations who are only able to express affection through gifts and gestures. Although I do not have the experience to prove this, my current hunch is that my problem stems not from incompatibility of attachment types but from an inability to express physical affection, no matter my partner. My ex's "neediness" certainly did not help matters, but with my current partner who is quite independent I unfortunately see myself falling into the same old pattern. I myself don't have issues around sexuality like that, but I have heard of that on these boards with disorganized /FA. If you have any history of trauma it may be a contributor. I do recommend a somatic therapist because so much is embedded in our bodies and sex and affection are physical expressions. Specifically I am recommending Somatic Experiencing- You can do a search on the web for that. It's really a good modality I think. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I wonder if it is attached to any stigma you've experienced around sexual orientation? I don't know about those issues and don't mean to cross any lines. At any rate, a good therapist is good to find. Attachment therapists who are aligned with Diane Poole Heller and Peter Levine would be my best recommendation. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2019 2:18:03 GMT
I do agree on the balance between independence and caretaking- too much of the later is a libido killer for me.
For me in particular , I prefer high independence in both partners with an interest in intimacy and sharing the practical/ emotional burden. A good team is my best description of a great relationship, a partnership of confident equals.
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Post by stayhappy on Aug 13, 2019 4:03:06 GMT
Hello, I am very new to exploring my attachment type but am fairly certain I qualify as a DA. There are a lot of things I need to look at within myself but the current, pressing issue on my mind is related to my attitude toward sex and general physical intimacy. I have been in a relationship for approximately 6 months and systematically find myself disgusted by my partner's hints and cues that he is interested in sex with me. Physically, I find him very handsome, nonetheless any manifestation of of his desire for me, especially when he says he wants me, triggers feelings of revulsion. Although I know consciously that this is absurd, his flirtatious behavior makes me see him as "lesser than" or animalistic. My immediate instinct is to create physical distance and change the subject or perhaps make a cruel remark to lessen his interest in sex. Often this happens during dinner when my partner hints at what he wants later in the evening. I often find myself making excuses to avoid going home with him. I know this is cruel on my part and unfair to my partner and I would like to make an effort to address this problem. Recently, I have forced myself a few times to go along with his desires and pretend as if I was excited about the prospect of intimacy. When we actually get to the act however, I still find myself disgusted. I am usually waiting for it to be over - and not at all engaged. I am unsure how aware my partner is of this but he has on occasion remarked. This problem also spills over to public contexts where he wants to hold my hand or quickly kiss me. The idea of touching in front of other is especially unappealing and revolting. This systematically upsets my partner who takes it as a rejection of him even though I have often explained P.D.A. is (for now) a no-go for me. I don't think anyone would be surprised to learn that I have been described as frigid and cold multiple times. I have even been accused of being asexual although I know this is not the case as I do feel sexual attraction and have on occasion enjoyed sex. I don't expect anyone to have quick answers for this so my specific questions for the forum are: to what extent is this behavior typical for DAs? Are there other issues that might be at play? Thank you. I have read some articles about attachment styles and sex and one of the things that those studies show is that withholding sex or low interest in sex and physical contact can be a sort of distancing strategy for avoidants. However I have find this article and those issues can be worked out with therapy. stantatkin.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/I-want-you-in-the-house.pdf |
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Post by mrob on Aug 13, 2019 6:50:41 GMT
What’s really interesting about this is the absence of gender dynamics. I think that’s actually a head start.
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Post by elizincali on Aug 13, 2019 10:54:24 GMT
this is an interesting perspective. My DA/FA ( or possibly disorganize although i don’t know as i’m new to these terms) partner/friend shows similar behavior. He hasn’t initiated intimacy/sex but twice since Jan of this year. it’s been a huge source of conflict for us and I feel sad and frustrated for both of us.
it is so hard to walk in someone’s shoes and try to understand another persons feelings and i feel so biased being on the other side but i tend to believ that some degree of physical contact with someone you care for romantically is healthy and normal.
i absolutely agree that you should never do anything that makes you uncomfortable. my guy has actually said those words when my questioning his lack of desire comes is: this is making me very uncomfortable and he has left the house abruptly. it’s a strong trigger and reaction.
i wonder if baby steps could help. massage? taking a shower together? i don’t know i’m just throwing out ideas that i have thought of but not tried successfully.
there’s a spectrum of physical love and intimacy and we don’t all have to conform to one way.
best of luck to finding what feels best for you. therapy could be the key ...
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2019 14:57:23 GMT
Hello, I am very new to exploring my attachment type but am fairly certain I qualify as a DA. There are a lot of things I need to look at within myself but the current, pressing issue on my mind is related to my attitude toward sex and general physical intimacy. I have been in a relationship for approximately 6 months and systematically find myself disgusted by my partner's hints and cues that he is interested in sex with me. Physically, I find him very handsome, nonetheless any manifestation of of his desire for me, especially when he says he wants me, triggers feelings of revulsion. Although I know consciously that this is absurd, his flirtatious behavior makes me see him as "lesser than" or animalistic. My immediate instinct is to create physical distance and change the subject or perhaps make a cruel remark to lessen his interest in sex. Often this happens during dinner when my partner hints at what he wants later in the evening. I often find myself making excuses to avoid going home with him. I know this is cruel on my part and unfair to my partner and I would like to make an effort to address this problem. Recently, I have forced myself a few times to go along with his desires and pretend as if I was excited about the prospect of intimacy. When we actually get to the act however, I still find myself disgusted. I am usually waiting for it to be over - and not at all engaged. I am unsure how aware my partner is of this but he has on occasion remarked. This problem also spills over to public contexts where he wants to hold my hand or quickly kiss me. The idea of touching in front of other is especially unappealing and revolting. This systematically upsets my partner who takes it as a rejection of him even though I have often explained P.D.A. is (for now) a no-go for me. I don't think anyone would be surprised to learn that I have been described as frigid and cold multiple times. I have even been accused of being asexual although I know this is not the case as I do feel sexual attraction and have on occasion enjoyed sex. I don't expect anyone to have quick answers for this so my specific questions for the forum are: to what extent is this behavior typical for DAs? Are there other issues that might be at play? Thank you. I have read some articles about attachment styles and sex and one of the things that those studies show is that withholding sex or low interest in sex and physical contact can be a sort of distancing strategy for avoidants. However I have find this article and those issues can be worked out with therapy. stantatkin.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/I-want-you-in-the-house.pdf For me personally, whether or not we are cohabiting influences this. With cohabitation, more distance may be needed and therefore sex becomes less appealing. Sexy can also be used as pure physicality to substitute for intimacy. If not cohabiting. sex drive remains stable and strong as space is already available. That's just my experience over time although as I have become healthier it all becomes less about creating distance and more about sharing intimacy. |
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Post by dve1991 on Aug 13, 2019 16:58:27 GMT
Thanks for your thoughts, Sherry. I am a gay male and have noticed a tendency in many men to want a caretaker in their partner. My amateur opinion is that a healthy relationship balances independence and caretaking, erring on the side of the former rather than the latter. Otherwise, I think eroticism, is completely snuffed out with enough time. Another topic for another time though. I think I need to put more effort into finding a good therapist. Perhaps somatic therapy will be the path that sounds best after I have had more time to research. Just a clarification, the anxious or fear-avoidant guy was my ex. The person I am currently with, I suspect, is also dismissive-avoidant like myself. Unlike me though, he often initiates sex and touch. Also unlike me, he has zero ability to address conflict and emotion. Although it feels unnatural, I am usually able to force myself to have difficult conversations when necessary. But again, it feels like there's an insurmountable barrier between me and expressing affection, sexual or platonic. I sometimes find myself relating to men from older generations who are only able to express affection through gifts and gestures. Although I do not have the experience to prove this, my current hunch is that my problem stems not from incompatibility of attachment types but from an inability to express physical affection, no matter my partner. My ex's "neediness" certainly did not help matters, but with my current partner who is quite independent I unfortunately see myself falling into the same old pattern. I myself don't have issues around sexuality like that, but I have heard of that on these boards with disorganized /FA. If you have any history of trauma it may be a contributor. I do recommend a somatic therapist because so much is embedded in our bodies and sex and affection are physical expressions. Specifically I am recommending Somatic Experiencing- You can do a search on the web for that. It's really a good modality I think. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I wonder if it is attached to any stigma you've experienced around sexual orientation? I don't know about those issues and don't mean to cross any lines. At any rate, a good therapist is good to find. Attachment therapists who are aligned with Diane Poole Heller and Peter Levine would be my best recommendation. No worries, no lines crossed. If I have internalized any shame about my orientation, it would be on a sub-conscious level but really I doubt that. You do bring up a salient issue though. I would not be surprised if those with non-hetero sexual orientations have higher rates of non-secure attachment types. Almost all of us have experienced trauma at the hands of parents, classmates and others while very young that was related to expressions of our sexual orientation. Obviously this implies orientation manifests itself quite young and this is my personal conviction, at least in my case. I can remember some accusations of femininity being used against me years before I had any sexual feelings at all – I am talking about at the age of 7 or younger. |
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Post by dve1991 on Aug 13, 2019 17:17:06 GMT
Hello, I am very new to exploring my attachment type but am fairly certain I qualify as a DA. There are a lot of things I need to look at within myself but the current, pressing issue on my mind is related to my attitude toward sex and general physical intimacy. I have been in a relationship for approximately 6 months and systematically find myself disgusted by my partner's hints and cues that he is interested in sex with me. Physically, I find him very handsome, nonetheless any manifestation of of his desire for me, especially when he says he wants me, triggers feelings of revulsion. Although I know consciously that this is absurd, his flirtatious behavior makes me see him as "lesser than" or animalistic. My immediate instinct is to create physical distance and change the subject or perhaps make a cruel remark to lessen his interest in sex. Often this happens during dinner when my partner hints at what he wants later in the evening. I often find myself making excuses to avoid going home with him. I know this is cruel on my part and unfair to my partner and I would like to make an effort to address this problem. Recently, I have forced myself a few times to go along with his desires and pretend as if I was excited about the prospect of intimacy. When we actually get to the act however, I still find myself disgusted. I am usually waiting for it to be over - and not at all engaged. I am unsure how aware my partner is of this but he has on occasion remarked. This problem also spills over to public contexts where he wants to hold my hand or quickly kiss me. The idea of touching in front of other is especially unappealing and revolting. This systematically upsets my partner who takes it as a rejection of him even though I have often explained P.D.A. is (for now) a no-go for me. I don't think anyone would be surprised to learn that I have been described as frigid and cold multiple times. I have even been accused of being asexual although I know this is not the case as I do feel sexual attraction and have on occasion enjoyed sex. I don't expect anyone to have quick answers for this so my specific questions for the forum are: to what extent is this behavior typical for DAs? Are there other issues that might be at play? Thank you. I have read some articles about attachment styles and sex and one of the things that those studies show is that withholding sex or low interest in sex and physical contact can be a sort of distancing strategy for avoidants. However I have find this article and those issues can be worked out with therapy. stantatkin.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/I-want-you-in-the-house.pdf This article is fantastic. Wow, it feels like someone is looking inside my brain. One thing in particular that interests me is the root or the attachment type being found in neglectful parenting styles experienced as a child. As the article suggests, I have very few clear recollections of my early childhood. There is almost a fog that surrounds that period of my life. I do have feelings and impressions though about my primary caretaker from that time that are quite positive. Another thing I have read though is that these impressions can be misleading and false. At any rate, this article gives me some good idea of a specific strategy to pursue in therapy. Thank you. |
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