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Post by dve1991 on Aug 14, 2019 21:52:56 GMT
this is an interesting perspective. My DA/FA ( or possibly disorganize although i don’t know as i’m new to these terms) partner/friend shows similar behavior. He hasn’t initiated intimacy/sex but twice since Jan of this year. it’s been a huge source of conflict for us and I feel sad and frustrated for both of us. it is so hard to walk in someone’s shoes and try to understand another persons feelings and i feel so biased being on the other side but i tend to believ that some degree of physical contact with someone you care for romantically is healthy and normal. i absolutely agree that you should never do anything that makes you uncomfortable. my guy has actually said those words when my questioning his lack of desire comes is: this is making me very uncomfortable and he has left the house abruptly. it’s a strong trigger and reaction. i wonder if baby steps could help. massage? taking a shower together? i don’t know i’m just throwing out ideas that i have thought of but not tried successfully. there’s a spectrum of physical love and intimacy and we don’t all have to conform to one way. best of luck to finding what feels best for you. therapy could be the key ... Just one thought here: you may already realize this but keep in mind that a DA avoiding sex with you may have not much at all to do with you. Your partner may look at you and find you to be the most attractive person they have ever seen. That does not mean their body and mind will respond as yours might. Funnily enough for a DA, realizing that a partner is a great fit or that they are feeling very close to a partner can be exactly what sets off intimacy issues. Of course none of this is conscious; it's just the DA's inner wounded child seeking to avoid pain in what is perceived to be a situation with high potential for loss. That may or may not make dealing with the issue easier but it is worth keeping in mind. I remember my ex always interpreted my lack of interest in sex as proof that I now found him ugly and well, who could blame him? I would of course protest that this was not the case but at the time I didn't have the language or conceptual knowledge to express what I think was really going on. |
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Post by elizincali on Aug 15, 2019 1:36:43 GMT
Thank you. that is reassuring although i haven’t taken it personally (he does compliment my looks fairly frequently). Last night was another example of how off things are with out wants and desires. after pursuing me fault the past week or so and spending lots of nice easygoing time together, he has for the last few occasions, laid down on my bed instead of the couch to where he usually would end up. i had a couple drinks last night and tried again to hold his hand in the dark and show my interest in him. he abruptly after about 15 mins called an uber and jumped up and said he had to get home and do some urgent business (1030pm)  i protested a litt’e and then said ok ? no word from him today so i called after work. he was distant and when i asked if he wanted to hang out he said let’s talk later. abrupt distancing i guess i triggered him. i am incredibly attracted to this man. I so badly want to understand his reluctance to have an intimate relationship. am i just naive to think he will want that again with me? why does he pursue and spend time with me? i don’t chase le ask. at a loss ... |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 14, 2019 2:29:09 GMT
Thank you. that is reassuring although i haven’t taken it personally (he does compliment my looks fairly frequently). Last night was another example of how off things are with out wants and desires. after pursuing me fault the past week or so and spending lots of nice easygoing time together, he has for the last few occasions, laid down on my bed instead of the couch to where he usually would end up. i had a couple drinks last night and tried again to hold his hand in the dark and show my interest in him. he abruptly after about 15 mins called an uber and jumped up and said he had to get home and do some urgent business (1030pm) i protested a litt’e and then said ok ? no word from him today so i called after work. he was distant and when i asked if he wanted to hang out he said let’s talk later. abrupt distancing i guess i triggered him. i am incredibly attracted to this man. I so badly want to understand his reluctance to have an intimate relationship. am i just naive to think he will want that again with me? why does he pursue and spend time with me? i don’t chase le ask. at a loss ... @elizincalli Ironically, my DA closed off emotionally and was open to sex and a “simple” but exclusive relationship with me. This has been going on for two years so I started to press for more the past month- felt triggered by his dismissiveness one night, and I texted some hurtful things that he called “low shots.” I said I felt used, that he only thought of me as a F——buddy, among other things. He responded that we should go our separate ways. I haven’t heard back from him since and that was 10 days ago. I’m devastated for pushing him to his breaking point bc I know how fragile trust is with him and I’m ashamed of myself for losing emotional control in a text. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 14, 2019 3:54:30 GMT
I’m devastated for pushing him to his breaking point bc I know how fragile trust is with him and I’m ashamed of myself for losing emotional control in a text. How about the fact he pushed you to your emotional breaking point first? |
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Post by mrob on Oct 14, 2019 4:32:23 GMT
There’s an opposite side to that faithopelove Are your needs being met? If not, then there’s every chance your needs are not compatible. Of course, that opens up a whole new can of worms. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 14, 2019 4:54:43 GMT
I’m devastated for pushing him to his breaking point bc I know how fragile trust is with him and I’m ashamed of myself for losing emotional control in a text. How about the fact he pushed you to your emotional breaking point first? - He did, but he seems to lack the empathy to ever realize that. He’s so out of touch with his own emotions let alone mine. A few weeks ago he said things were going “so well” between us he didn’t want to change a thing- we were only seeing each other twice a month! He hasn’t responded- it’s been 10 days. I think he’s permanently checked out bc I broke his trust...that’s how he’ll see it. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 14, 2019 5:05:07 GMT
There’s an opposite side to that faithopelove Are your needs being met? If not, then there’s every chance your needs are not compatible. Of course, that opens up a whole new can of worms. - Yes, enter worms. My needs were being met minimally. I was definitely getting skimpy portions and catering to him. He set the pace and when I pushed for more- he was out. I texted some things when activated that I don’t think he’ll ever get over- I said I felt used, like I was a F—buddy. He’s extremely sensitive to any criticism and I went right in when I lost it. To him, he probably felt very vulnerable to me bc he was closer to me than anyone else in his life except maybe his dad. I actually went out on a date last night and it was so refreshing to have a guy talk for hours, drive to meet me, ask me when he can see me again. You know, show interest and pursue. I’m sitting across the table from him thinking my DA can’t or won’t do this simple act of going out for a drink. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 14, 2019 5:40:24 GMT
How about the fact he pushed you to your emotional breaking point first? - He did, but he seems to lack the empathy to ever realize that. He’s so out of touch with his own emotions let alone mine. A few weeks ago he said things were going “so well” between us he didn’t want to change a thing- we were only seeing each other twice a month! He hasn’t responded- it’s been 10 days. I think he’s permanently checked out bc I broke his trust...that’s how he’ll see it. Yes, but you have a right to feel devastated that he pushed you by withholding too much, not just devastated that you getting triggered also triggered him. If you have incompatible needs, then there's an equal share to what happened here. You can learn from this more about what you want and what triggers you, as of course you want to take responsibility for acting out. Just, don't take on all the responsibility in your narrative, because only half is on you. |
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Post by mrob on Oct 14, 2019 12:07:33 GMT
alexandra - He did, but he seems to lack the empathy to ever realize that. He’s so out of touch with his own emotions let alone mine. A few weeks ago he said things were going “so well” between us he didn’t want to change a thing- we were only seeing each other twice a month! He hasn’t responded- it’s been 10 days. I think he’s permanently checked out bc I broke his trust...that’s how he’ll see it. Yes, but you have a right to feel devastated that he pushed you by withholding too much, not just devastated that you getting triggered also triggered him. If you have incompatible needs, then there's an equal share to what happened here. You can learn from this more about what you want and what triggers you, as of course you want to take responsibility for acting out. Just, don't take on all the responsibility in your narrative, because only half is on you. What else can one do other than learn from it and move on, though? Devastation and grief, yes, but surely all anyone can do in life is eventually sweep their side of the street, and learn from it. I can’t impose penalties on someone for not meeting my expectations. I’ve also not had sex because it’s just too messy. Some use it as a power play, and I won’t be a part of it. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 14, 2019 12:12:51 GMT
Yes, but you have a right to feel devastated that he pushed you by withholding too much, not just devastated that you getting triggered also triggered him. If you have incompatible needs, then there's an equal share to what happened here. You can learn from this more about what you want and what triggers you, as of course you want to take responsibility for acting out. Just, don't take on all the responsibility in your narrative, because only half is on you. What else can one do other than learn from it and move on, though? Devastation and grief, yes, but surely all anyone can do in life is eventually sweep their side of the street, and learn from it. I can’t impose penalties on someone for not meeting my expectations. - No, I wasn’t trying to impose penalties, I was trying to move us forward. Then we both got triggered rejected. |
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Post by mrob on Oct 14, 2019 13:10:14 GMT
I understand that. And that’s the incompatibility. Simply moving it forward is what triggers me beyond anything. That’s what engulfs me and makes me feel so trapped that I just want to get away. Shutting down almost isn’t a choice. It wasn’t until I found out about this stuff. With the “relationship” that landed me here, it would pop up every three months, like clockwork. It would be brought up, I wouldn’t cope. I’d disappear, she’d be devastated, the pain would abate, id tell myself I’m stupid, I’d circle and we’d reconnect. Absolute hell for her.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 14, 2019 13:19:19 GMT
I understand that. And that’s the incompatibility. Simply moving it forward is what triggers me beyond anything. That’s what engulfs me and makes me feel so trapped that I just want to get away. Shutting down almost isn’t a choice. It wasn’t until I found out about this stuff. With the “relationship” that landed me here, it would pop up every three months, like clockwork. It would be brought up, I wouldn’t cope. I’d disappear, she’d be devastated, I’d circle and we’d reconnect. Absolute hell for her. - Yes, that’s exactly what happened. I felt more bold and confident asking for more because our increased closeness and his increased openness to me lately gave me hope he would be willing to try more. Obviously he was not ready and now any progress we made in being closer has been severely damaged. His words “things were going so well he didn’t want to change a thing.” I think- things are going so well, let’s go for more. I’m sure he felt cornered by my pressing, so he told me to move on and shut down. You sound a lot like him though he’s DA. Difference is he never circles back, I pursue. Thx for your insight. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2019 13:23:11 GMT
The flight pattern in the nervous system's threat response is a powerful, primal self protective urge. When it is activated, the reasoning parts of the brain are not (just like in fight mode, or freeze.
Conscious choice is overridden by the threat response. Reason all you want with whomever in that stage, you won't be reasonable. AP's know this and regret their choices in fight mode... but don't readily see that their partner is not choosing so much as instinctively reacting.
Anyway. This is a physiological pattern that can be repatrerned by appropriate treatment modalities. without addressing the underlying patterned threat responses, headway is much more difficult and unsustainable. Unless one partner is not habituated physiologically to the threat response and can present a calm nervous system to their partner, without the activated energy (we affect each other with our nervous systems. )
This is what I'm learning from the brainy people working with me on all this. Developmental trauma is trauma. We react to it until we resolve the instinctive reaction by working with our nervous systems.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 14, 2019 13:48:20 GMT
The flight pattern in the nervous system's threat response is a powerful, primal self protective urge. When it is activated, the reasoning parts of the brain are not (just like in fight mode, or freeze. Conscious choice is overridden by the threat response. Reason all you want with whomever in that stage, you won't be reasonable. AP's know this and regret their choices in fight mode... but don't readily see that their partner is not choosing so much as instinctively reacting. Anyway. This is a physiological pattern that can be repatrerned by appropriate treatment modalities. without addressing the underlying patterned threat responses, headway is much more difficult and unsustainable. Unless one partner is not habituated physiologically to the threat response and can present a calm nervous system to their partner, without the activated energy (we affect each other with our nervous systems. ) This is what I'm learning from the brainy people working with me on all this. Developmental trauma is trauma. We react to it until we resolve the instinctive reaction by working with our nervous systems. @inmourning - Thanks, I took a snapshot of your important reminders. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2019 13:50:37 GMT
Try to get with an SE therapist! They work on video over the internet too. That's how I see my therapist and it doesn't change the impact. You need this for yourself.
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