Does this sound dismissive-avoidant, really need closure

I don't think there's enough to go on here to comment.

How long ago did you break up?

My ex and I have been separated for over 6 months. Initially I was desperate for answers and trying to get closure. With time and perspective I realise there is no such thing.

We can never know truly what's going on in someone's head, there's no point in torturing yourself by trying...

I do understand your instinct and need though. But that will pass.

Yep, that's DA.

At least, I'm DA and I get it. I have had similar experience in promising relationships that you describe her having.

I will try to explain it. Keep in mind this is my own take from my own life and I can't pretend to know her mind.

DA have kind of given up. They may fantasize about a great love, but in reality haven't had experience to back that up and in fact the very idea itself seems somewhat alien, as their attachment system is turned off or down. It's in the nervous system, the brain- early infancy and childhood events set that up a certain way.

So DA may become involved and fail, not knowing why. The early stage of a relationship has enough happy endorphins and hormones and all that to carry someone low on attachment drive through. It feels great, it feels like maybe this is going to be ok. But that wears off OR things become very real where the threat of loss looms (through the fear of messing it up or being unaware of the problem of deactivating but knowing that they just fail at this and feel alien in it) . Or, often from fearing a loss of autonomy or agency- being overwhelmed or over-written by someone else. That's when the shut down happens.

Attachment turns off- in the body and mind and emotions. I've had to make sense of it all through finding a reason- I am not destined for love, this is not feeling right, I would feel it and really feel it if it were right for me, I don't feel anyone can ever understand me and accept me as I am .... etc etc - deactivating thoughts go along with actual physiological shutting down.

When I'm deactivated it's very hard to connect with feelings of real love or belonging- it's something to endure at this point and ask for help with (these days) because the current state of mind in deactivation FEELS SO REAL AND UNDENIABLE , I guess just like it does for an AP when they are having high anxiety and need to connect to get reassurance, and they have all these fears. Well, for DA, the drive is exactly opposite. The fear is, continuing the relationship. The anxiety presents as loss of feeling and loss of desire for connection , not an increase . The desire is to retreat and get back to center. Back to good, back to being in control of one's well being without being subject to another's influence . Because this is the most comfortable place to be- it's not a statement about anyone else although certainly undesirable or uncomfortable behaviors from others can trigger it.

It's as deep and real and immovable as anxiety seems to be.

But, it's a state or detachment and being removed and resigned. It's not necessarily hostile at all- it's just inert and disconnected.

I don't know if she is talking "energy" metaphysically or whatever, but that word is important in all this. Deactivation is de-energizing. In fact I stupidly wish I could experience more anxiety sometimes because Living in a deactivated state and just tending toward that parasympathetic state of deactivation is a drag. It slows me down sometimes. It could be she felt the heady rush of new love and endorphins and pheromones or whatever- and a great time- and then instinctively deactivated on the nervous system level and realized the "energy" changed. The electric vibe, gone. The growing attachment, gone.
Indeed, her energy did change in a very real way if she deactivated and she doesn't get it, can't make sense of it. It just is, it just has always been that way and probably always will, is what I feel like and think at that time. Resigned . It has always been so.

That isn't the case with me NOW , in awareness . Lots of work done to address this- to identify and understand and try to overcome it.

So, yes, I have disengaged from seemingly lovely men for reasons I could not understand. I read this and realize, I must have hurt them. I wasn't trying to do that at all- if anything I was trying to spare them as well as myself . I was very unclear about all this and doing my best.

I'm sorry.

Does a DA.... Ever come back once they realize they had a loving partner.. who wants to help work on the relationship and heal it?

I'm sorry about this. One thing that seems to be pretty consistent with DA is a slow fade- as opposed to a quick urgent exit like FA. This is generalizing, of course. So maybe you're right, I can't say for sure of course.

One thing that struck me is the breakup actions taken on holidays that involve family gatherings traditionally. Holidays are triggering for me. Family of origin stuff. I think holidays are triggering for very many people but a more anxious leaning person may very well feel the need for closeness and comfort- so here again we have an opposite direction.

I'm sorry but at the same time glad that my words provide something helpful to you. Obviously we could only guess what happened inside her. I've never been in a romantic relationship with a person for six years (let alone harmoniously) so that's the part I personally can't relate to but I know DA's can be in long term relationships. I just haven't had that experience to date (trying though).

Sherry OMG OMG OMG OMG... this all started when she invited me to travel and stay at her fathers house (the mother lived in town too) I spent 3 days there of absolute HELL. She started bring up these weird things trying to create an argument, advising me out of the blue about my son who was struggling with a few things, saying she didn't not want to relocate south (this was her ex-husband that wanted to do that), and the icing on the cake we went to see live music at a pub and for the entire time she sat there like I didn't exist, like she was there alone. I completely freaked, left the next day as fast as I could (we took different cars). And for sure her parents were a source of stress for her she admitted many times. OMG OMG OMG

Oh and one more thing. 

You'd agree my best plan of action to heal is No Contact as I did that day 1, right? 

And as well, in non-DA's No Contact usually causes the Dumper to come sniffing around sooner later. With DA's that is highly unlikely the open loop created by No Contact has no effect on them right? Kind of hope so, I think I'd be in real trouble if she tried to contact me again.

bluefranky, I get it, I was falling in love with someone who wasn't even capable of falling in love with me.

Yeah that is what the torture is, they actually want to love you but they can't. Not like a normal breakup where one person loses more than the other, but the other person really doesn't want to be there. In this case we BOTH lose, how utterly fucking sad.