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Post by simply on Aug 14, 2019 3:57:03 GMT
So, I'm curious if anyone is in the dating stage, not yet in a relationship, and the other person is avoidant. He gives me some affectionate gestures but sometimes pull back like grabs to hold my hand but lets it go, or wants to touch my hair but stop. Is it okay for me to do that to him instead? Like touch him more? I've never touched him, so far it's always been him doing the touching e.g grabbing my shoulder, give me a half baked hug etc.
I am just so DONE with waiting to meet a secure, I've NEVER met a secure who is single, I really like this avoidant and we're both in therapy and a support group. Also, can I use the words suggested in "Attached" book my Levine like saying, "I want to be closer to you, I'd like you to spend more time with me" or that will just really drive him away more?
I'm 36.5 years old. At this point, I don't even look for emotional intimacy, but just to be able to be with this guy in a committed r'ship? Or maybe I should ACT secure to him? How does that look like? Talk about my feelings? Initiate the touch?
...Thanks, support and empathy appreciated.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2019 5:39:57 GMT
hi simply. welcome to the boards. If you've read through the threads here, you will notice that there are many similar situations such as yours, and the answers are also similar in their advice - there is no acting secure nor good ways of approaching/behaving with an insecure in order to get a relationship. have you considered why you want to be with someone in a committed relationship without emotional intimacy - what is the point of that? why would you want this instead of asking for a healthy, present, loving relationship? it would be best if you look at your own motivations, behaviors, and situation and decide if that is how you want life to be and if that enough for you.
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Post by simply on Aug 14, 2019 15:03:36 GMT
Yes I have gone through enough dates to know that it would be enough for me and that no one is perfect and there is no 'loving' relationship out there that is just made right for me, it is both give and take.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2019 17:47:03 GMT
I would advise you to do what you feel is right and do what you feel comfortable with.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 14, 2019 18:50:13 GMT
simply, while there is nothing wrong with you acknowledging your feelings for an avoidant partner, I'm a bit concerned by how you're approaching this. You're in the middle of therapy, as is he, which means you're both in a fragile place that may get derailed by triggering distractions. The way you're posting about it comes across to me as, "I'm AP, but I am what I am and I can't change and neither can anyone else, so let me just jump into my normal triggering anxious-avoidant dance cycle. Can anyone give me tips for superficial adjustments so that he doesn't run away when he gets triggered?" You have a scarcity mentality ("I've never met available secures at my age"), which is likely to sabotage all your efforts in dating in general. I've done a lot of dating in this age range, and even just on the internet apps, I'd say about 1/3 of the men I meet actually are secure. Sure, that isn't the majority, and it doesn't mean we're compatible in values and lifestyles, but they do exist. That also doesn't mean you need to date a secure, but insisting there aren't any and you are willing to just take what you can get strongly suggests you are coming from a place of very, very low self-esteem (which, of course, feeds an AP attachment style). You can't just hide this attitude by making superficial changes to your actions to "appear" secure. You'll end up at odds with yourself, with words and actions and thoughts all misaligned, and that will come across and probably be scary to partners -- especially avoidant partners who have their own set of issues to focus on. The only way to appear secure is to keep leaning into your therapy and attachment work and confront your deep, core issues... and actually start becoming more secure. I used to be severely AP, and now I'm earned secure, so I know my post is going to be triggering to you because it would have been to me when I was AP. But I think it's important enough that I want to be direct about it. Try starting with a friendship with this guy, and leave romance out of it for a while. Keep focusing on yourself and the work you're trying to do before getting involved, if you want a real chance at making this work.
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Post by simply on Aug 16, 2019 3:47:14 GMT
Thanks Alexandra, no, your post wasn't triggering to me. I appreciate your advice. I agree with all you said. I do have scarcity mentality, like this is the last man that feels fitting for me, or my last chance at love. I am doing a lot of work on myself and I have improved so much with where I used to be, but the feelings for him are still there and strong even though I've made so many changes on my behaviors.
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