|
|
Post by tallkelly on Aug 18, 2019 13:54:56 GMT
I met this guy, Bob, a year and a half ago. Initially, I didn’t take him very seriously, mostly because he was obviously a bit emotionally unavailable, but he really pursued me, & at some point I started to commit my attention to him. Since, we have been in this push-pull relationship, where I grow tired of his taciturn attitude, his inability to be vulnerable, & the fact that he’s a workaholic, which causes me to tell him I want to sever our relationship, & he usually takes 48-72 hours to react, then he composes perfectly emotionless & polite messages saying things like “I am sorry that our relationship is causing you distress, it is never my intention. I will miss you. I could never replace you”, & weeks go by, & he won’t go away, he keeps calling and texting and eventually I think...ok let’s try again. Rinse, repeat.
I recognize the “walking on egg shells” behavior others speak of. I can’t relax. I can’t just freely express myself. I long for the safety & comfort of intimacy. Feeling accepted and loved in spite of my flaws. After some reading, I accept that I very well may not be securely attached myself, & that my self esteem has been damaged by this relationship.
The relationship ended, presumably, 28 days ago. Recently he had been pretty critical of me, & I addressed it, & he told me that I’m “too sensitive”, & that I was “acting like an idiot”, rolled over, & informed me he was going to sleep, & said nothing more to me. In the morning I gathered my things and left. Four days passed, nothing from him. I called, no answer. Thirteen days later, he sent me a picture of a bell pepper plant I gave him. 21 days in, he sent me a picture of a scotch bonnet plant I gave him, with lots of peppers on it, with one word, “thanks”. Yesterday, 28 days later, he called. I haven’t responded or answered him at all. I don’t intend to. It would be lovely if he would open up his heart, but of course that won’t happen. This isn’t a hallmark movie and I have my own dysfunction to work on.
|
|
ted
New Member
Posts: 18
|
Post by ted on Aug 18, 2019 14:20:24 GMT
Others will have better input, but if he values your time and attention he won't confuse you. Sending pictures of plants is bread-crumbing, my DA was in Portugal sending my pictures of all the places she was visiting with her friend, never for a second mentioned the elephant in the room that I wanted to know where she stood, never opened up till I had to dump her. I know its hard, but move on, go NC, you don't need this shit.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2019 23:28:13 GMT
Others will have better input, but if he values your time and attention he won't confuse you. Sending pictures of plants is bread-crumbing, my DA was in Portugal sending my pictures of all the places she was visiting with her friend, never for a second mentioned the elephant in the room that I wanted to know where she stood, never opened up till I had to dump her. I know its hard, but move on, go NC, you don't need this shit. Just say no to this dynamic, both his part and yours. It's only possible because you participate. Work on the issues you can identify in yourself. That means, in every disturbing behavior of his you can find your reaction, and a choice you made about it, what you chose to accept, ways that you responded in your own way that didn't serve you. You can drill down to the real issues- it may be that you aren't committed to your own well being, that you deny your needs or minimize them while you settle for less to avoid perceived loss (of what?) - introspection about your own role in this is your key to freedom and a more fulfilling future either single or in a better relationship. I don't mean to simplify it, because it's not simple, nor is it easy. But asking yourself compassionately why you co-created this relationship that causes you to suffer and doesn't meet your needs, can lead you to some startling but liberating insights. |
|
|
|
Post by bluefranky on Aug 19, 2019 4:29:31 GMT
"But asking yourself compassionately why you co-created this relationship that causes you to suffer and doesn't meet your needs, can lead you to some startling but liberating insights."
...why you co-created....brilliant.
Bravo !
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2019 1:43:54 GMT
"But asking yourself compassionately why you co-created this relationship that causes you to suffer and doesn't meet your needs, can lead you to some startling but liberating insights." ...why you co-created....brilliant. Bravo ! Lessons learned the hard way , lol. |
|
|
|
Post by bluefranky on Aug 20, 2019 4:03:30 GMT
Sherry- an interesting observation. in spite of the fact if we haven't spoken since The Break-Up she continues to have photos of her and I, not only on her FB page, visible to not just her friends but the general public which is completely contrary to her style. She and I have not been friends on social media since The Break-Up and so I ponder: why keep two photos [our nicest two] up for public display to anyone who happens to be looking. there's only one reason I can think of..she wants me to see them.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 20, 2019 8:15:13 GMT
Sherry- an interesting observation. in spite of the fact if we haven't spoken since The Break-Up she continues to have photos of her and I, not only on her FB page, visible to not just her friends but the general public which is completely contrary to her style. She and I have not been friends on social media since The Break-Up and so I ponder: why keep two photos [our nicest two] up for public display to anyone who happens to be looking. there's only one reason I can think of..she wants me to see them. This is a lot of projection. You don't know why those photos are up, but I will tell you that not only did my FA ex not take down our photos after our first breakup after a year, he didn't even tell any of his friends we broke up. I ran into his friends all the time, and I couldn't believe it but I had to tell them! Even though he broke up with me! Like, a month after the fact I was still telling them when they ran into me and asked where he was. This was not an indication he wanted me back. It was just an indication that he's a terrible communicator and has a lot of trouble dealing with his feelings and trusting others to help him through rough times. He wanted to keep up an appearance that all was well (it didn't work).
We are now several years and an additional breakup out from that. He still has all my photos up on social media. And he hates social media and doesn't post often, especially not about women he's dating. You just can't take that personally or use it as any sort of gauge for anything. You can only take space, stop checking their social media, and focus on yourself and what's best for you. If anything about their feelings or the situation has actually changed (which is what I feel is the question behind your question), and they have done the work to become more secure so that the dynamic could actually be healthier, they will let you know directly. If it's a matter of reading tea leaves and them indirectly putting you through hoops because they don't want to come out and state their feelings directly, then revisiting the relationship would be unhealthy and fail again anyway. Same if only one of you has done the work on your issues (yes, even if it's only them!). I speak from experience about this, unfortunately.
|
|
|
|
Post by tallkelly on Aug 20, 2019 10:06:31 GMT
Hello- thanks for the responses. This is so hard for me! He continues to call & text, & it’s really hard for me to stay the course of no contact. I blocked him. I should add that this isn't the first time I’ve ended the relationship, & the first time, he ended up showing up at my work, after I blocked him. We live 70 miles apart, & he had to miss a work day to come to my job. Come to think of it, why are DAs workaholics? This man is really successful, & works a lot, but has also taken on a part time job in a store. Is it just to provide them with an excuse for why they can’t have a deep, rich private life?
Anyway, I appreciate the insight & advice.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2019 10:11:03 GMT
Sherry- an interesting observation. in spite of the fact if we haven't spoken since The Break-Up she continues to have photos of her and I, not only on her FB page, visible to not just her friends but the general public which is completely contrary to her style. She and I have not been friends on social media since The Break-Up and so I ponder: why keep two photos [our nicest two] up for public display to anyone who happens to be looking. there's only one reason I can think of..she wants me to see them. This is a lot of projection. You don't know why those photos are up, but I will tell you that not only did my FA ex not take down our photos after our first breakup after a year, he didn't even tell any of his friends we broke up. I ran into his friends all the time, and I couldn't believe it but I had to tell them! Even though he broke up with me! Like, a month after the fact I was still telling them when they ran into me and asked where he was. This was not an indication he wanted me back. It was just an indication that he's a terrible communicator and has a lot of trouble dealing with his feelings and trusting others to help him through rough times. He wanted to keep up an appearance that all was well (it didn't work).
We are now several years and an additional breakup out from that. He still has all my photos up on social media. And he hates social media and doesn't post often, especially not about women he's dating. You just can't take that personally or use it as any sort of gauge for anything. You can only take space, stop checking their social media, and focus on yourself and what's best for you. If anything about their feelings or the situation has actually changed (which is what I feel is the question behind your question), and they have done the work to become more secure so that the dynamic could actually be healthier, they will let you know directly. If it's a matter of reading tea leaves and them indirectly putting you through hoops because they don't want to come out and state their feelings directly, then revisiting the relationship would be unhealthy and fail again anyway. Same if only one of you has done the work on your issues (yes, even if it's only them!). I speak from experience about this, unfortunately.
yes! my ex was the same - terrible marriage, separated, divorced etc etc etc, but outwardly everything was fine. BOTH of them didn't tell anyone they're divorced and wanted to hide it from the world/kids till they were 18. the kids were 2. the extent of reluctance in making things clear (also to themselves) indicates that they were not honest with themselves about the situation, and also wanted to keep pretenses up. privacy is one thing, but keeping up appearances is another level and often conducted in the guise of wanting privacy. This was something I had to grapple with myself in terms of how much i wanted to talk about it with other people about my own relationships, and how i differentiate these two for myself as well as in others' behaviors. |
|
|
|
Post by bluefranky on Aug 20, 2019 14:39:28 GMT
Thanks Sherry, Shiningstar for your feedback. I agree with the "keeping appearances" theory....saw a lot of this over the years...then again, grew up with it myself. Like I said, the only reason I could think of was that she wanted me to see that she was still holding me somewhere (hell, don't we all want this to be true?).... perhaps I was projecting my thoughts/desires onto this.
You think all kinds of things when you are slow faded and then dropped via email (Easter Night, no less) and given no clarity in that email as to why this happened or what changed...and then no chance to try to work this out. Remember, I said harmonious for the most part...I was not exaggerating when I said that. We got along very very well almost all of the time...except when she would vanish for days to, as she put it, "connect her heart with her head".
....it's only since the breakup that I have discovered attachment theory and all that is available...and strangely, while I can now see the story(and my part in the narrative) ... I am still grieving her...probably because the memories of our time together were mostly, very good.
....appreciate your honesty. I am almost four months no contact and am slowly accepting the probability that these ships are drifting off in opposite directions...although the photo thing had me puzzled.
thanks again.
BF
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2019 20:18:31 GMT
Sherry- an interesting observation. in spite of the fact if we haven't spoken since The Break-Up she continues to have photos of her and I, not only on her FB page, visible to not just her friends but the general public which is completely contrary to her style. She and I have not been friends on social media since The Break-Up and so I ponder: why keep two photos [our nicest two] up for public display to anyone who happens to be looking. there's only one reason I can think of..she wants me to see them. I am clueless on this one, it's foreign to me. When I leave a relationship I keep no trace and don't do this at all. I wouldn't say it's DA behavior, maybe something else unrelated to specifically to dismissive avoidance though. I don't keep memories. Maybe some do. I don't understand it. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2019 22:54:15 GMT
Hello- thanks for the responses. This is so hard for me! He continues to call & text, & it’s really hard for me to stay the course of no contact. I blocked him. I should add that this isn't the first time I’ve ended the relationship, & the first time, he ended up showing up at my work, after I blocked him. We live 70 miles apart, & he had to miss a work day to come to my job. Come to think of it, why are DAs workaholics? This man is really successful, & works a lot, but has also taken on a part time job in a store. Is it just to provide them with an excuse for why they can’t have a deep, rich private life? Anyway, I appreciate the insight & advice. What about this pursuit says "Dismissive Avoidant" to you? And not all DA's are workaholics but some are. I wouldn't go thinking you know all about their private life, it may be deep and rich to them but not to you. |
|
|
|
Post by tallkelly on Aug 29, 2019 14:13:36 GMT
Sherry-
So maybe he’s not dismissive avoidant. I don’t know... his attempts to contact me have increased, & sometimes he asks if he can come to see me. I haven’t responded at all. No apology. I guess I’m not going to ever answer him. I guess it doesn’t really matter at this point what’s going on with him.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2019 15:35:01 GMT
Sherry- So maybe he’s not dismissive avoidant. I don’t know... his attempts to contact me have increased, & sometimes he asks if he can come to see me. I haven’t responded at all. No apology. I guess I’m not going to ever answer him. I guess it doesn’t really matter at this point what’s going on with him. No, this isn't dismissive avoidant behavior. A person can have and show avoidant or anxious behaviors, both. Either can be triggered but most have a predominant style. Both the words "dismissive" and "avoidant" describe behavior that is opposite of pursuit. Escalating pursuit even in the face of ignoring and rejection are not what is going to happen with a DA. Dismissing and Avoiding are what you'd expect to see. I agree it doesn't matter what's going on with him. It sounds unhealthy and moving on sounds like the best idea! |
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Aug 29, 2019 15:44:03 GMT
Sherry- an interesting observation. in spite of the fact if we haven't spoken since The Break-Up she continues to have photos of her and I, not only on her FB page, visible to not just her friends but the general public which is completely contrary to her style. She and I have not been friends on social media since The Break-Up and so I ponder: why keep two photos [our nicest two] up for public display to anyone who happens to be looking. there's only one reason I can think of..she wants me to see them. I am clueless on this one, it's foreign to me. When I leave a relationship I keep no trace and don't do this at all. I wouldn't say it's DA behavior, maybe something else unrelated to specifically to dismissive avoidance though. I don't keep memories. Maybe some do. I don't understand it. I keep no trace as a secure. I wipe them out of my life to move on. then again, I’m not the type to post a bunch of couple photos and share my relationships all over social media either. I’d share one once in a blue moon and it was with others or just a funny photo of us. Now a days I’ve just wiped social media out of my life except for my business accounts. It sets you free! It could be as simple as they forgot about the photos... many read way to much into what is on social media... |
|
