Current point with FA. Intimacy....

So.. here we go with an update. I was going to start a new thread since this is a little bit different from the above but here goes.

As I reminder, I’m FA, and he is FA. I lean more secure & anxious than him though and he’s more avoidant. Anyway. He was gone the last week on a week+ road trip, driving his mom’s stuff across the country since his parents recently divorced. I assumed he would want to get together when he got back yesterday at 4pm, no... he apparently had stuff to do, like grocery shopping and doing stuff on his laptop at home. Then today he offered to “pencil in some TV time” with me before his birthday party that of course he did not invite me to. We have the iPhone “find friends” tracker on each other’s phones and later I saw where he was and it was somewhere I had been saying i’d been wanting to check out forever. I felt myself getting upset. I asked my friend if I should be mad. My friend who has heard me bitch about this guy for almost 2 years. He goes, “well, i mean, what’s the point?”. I thought about it for a second and I sort of just let go of it. I feel kind of numb. In the past I might have sent some kind of snarky text or even emotional stuff near the middle of knowing him about being hurt about not being prioritized.. where did that get me? Always the same. “Ok. Sorry this isn’t working for you. I understand. Totally get that this won’t work for you.” Or some version of “I’m sorry that i can’t give you what you need. You’re great and deserve more.” And then zero communication for weeks. Ok... so now.. what if i just do nothing? I don’t break it off, I don’t react, I calmly am not available to see him because honestly I just feel numb. If I have anything to say about this to him i know he will say “no problem, I understand” with the turning of the back and if I do nothing.. what is he going to do, break it off with me? Doubt it, this is most likely his ideal scenario, no real gf to have any expectations, 24/7 free to hang with his friends, but some semblance of a partner in the rafters. I’m at this point where I both don’t have the emotional energy to even have a convo with him about it nor do I even want to see him bc i don’t feel love towards him either in the way that my heart feels shut and I don’t trust him, and we don’t even have sex anymore since he shut that off months back. I do still love him but it just feels different. He said some kind of disturbing stuff to me a couple weeks back too. He gets these angry outbursts at inappropriate times and I told him I was scared of him and he said “good”. His parents both abused him and were absent. But this has been a cycle, him ruining relationships. And he knows it’s his problem. He is seeing a therapist but minimally and they barely talk about this. I’m really really emotionally unavailable right now. I’ve been trying to talk to other guys but when they actually try to move closer i end up hitting a block. I’m ghosting even (some of) my friends bc I don’t have the bandwidth. I’m just at a loss and don’t really know what makes sense in my life anymore. Did anyone ever feel this way and start avoiding their avoidant? It’s like, what will a conversation even accomplish anymore except probably hurting myself. And do I even owe him that type of emotional energy anymore.

I’d say my own attachment work is probably not going well since i was secure at the beginning of this, and all of my past relationships were with secures, which kind of helps me know I’m at least capable of a healthy dynamic... or was. This FA stated he became an “emotional caretaker” for all his exes but I’m pretty sure their anxious sides went over the edge as I can imagine even most secures would be triggered by this guy’s avoidant behavior. The only thing that I suppose has improved for me attachment wise is- not blaming myself, knowing his sex deactivation isn’t my fault, feeling secure during text silences knowing he will come back.
The reason I have stayed 2 years is thru all this there have been baby steps towards forming a bond. For the first 6 months he literally could not handle sleeping in the same bed or even spending more than a couple hours together. From that, to spending the night almost every time we hang out (~2 nights a week) and taking a couple mini vacays, and introducing me to his friends around 3 times. These things have only came after I deactivated myself though. And those 2 times I deactivated I was truly done for one reason or another, but felt myself reaching back out weeks later bc something reminded me of him, and he would be the one to keep asking to see me (only after I initiated contact again). Although as I’ve written when he got closer he couldn’t be intimate, just cuddly. And as time has gone on I’ve become more emotionally unavailable to everyone, including him. I have a hard time even accepting his hugs (sometimes) anymore, it just feels weird. I really don’t know what is going on with me anymore but I know I don’t feel safe with him, I feel repulsed by everyone else currently, and I just want to crawl into a hole. But I also have just about zero motivation to have any emotional convo w him about problems. I’m so tired.

Well this whole thing has become way too much for me to deal with anymore. So last week he came back into town and avoided me for a couple days so when he tried to hang out again I simply said I couldn’t as I couldn’t even deal with expressing my unhappiness with the situation and we both ignored each other for about a week. When I finally reached out yesterday, asking if he still had a key to my apt, he said something to the effect of “I’ll drop it in your mailbox, wish you all the best” which hurt really bad. When I said something like “is this how you end relationships?” He responded with “I need to figure out how to be in a relationship by myself. I will never be able to meet your needs and it’s nothing you did or can do.” Later in the convo he said he had no interest in seeing anyone else but that he “can’t meet anyone’s needs”. But that he “can’t even think about it bc he is simply not the best version of himself when in a relationship and he can no longer wake up every day hating himself.” This says to me.. he’s giving up, he is simply retreating to his safe alone zone, and will not be doing actual work. He did ask me for some book recs and is casually texting here and there but I need to move on, at least for now. Maybe someday he will be willing to do actual work but it’s clearly not now. Anyway, moving on will be difficult but I have no other choice. I feel totally depleted.