ted
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by ted on Aug 21, 2019 2:35:00 GMT
Since the 6 month relationship with a DA (didn't know it till I gave up and dumped her) really brought out my AP tendencies.
Any tips on shutting down those AP feelings. Met someone who seems secure and wonderful, but I notice myself getting anxiety when I haven't see a text from her in a while, or at the end of the date I feel like (but I haven't) gone for validation.
Any tips how to manage this, normally wouldn't have bothered me like this before the DA.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 21, 2019 11:29:28 GMT
Since the 6 month relationship with a DA (didn't know it till I gave up and dumped her) really brought out my AP tendencies. Any tips on shutting down those AP feelings. Met someone who seems secure and wonderful, but I notice myself getting anxiety when I haven't see a text from her in a while, or at the end of the date I feel like (but I haven't) gone for validation. Any tips how to manage this, normally wouldn't have bothered me like this before the DA. I think the goal is not to shut down the AP behaviors but to work with them. Your nervous system is getting activated and there are a couple of things you can do...first, you can lay on the floor with your legs up on a chair...listen to some calm music and let any thoughts just float by....the point is to address the “danger” signals in your overactive nervous system. I also recommend journaling....what are you afraid is going to happen if she does not respond....do you fear you have made a mistake? Do you fear she has found someone else? Write those thoughts out so that they are out of your head. Then see if you can look at those concerns as if you are a friend or a loving parent....how would you respond to those concerns? Itisalso ok to talk to to her about it....just ask when are good times to text her. Good luck.
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Post by anne12 on Aug 21, 2019 11:44:20 GMT
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Post by alexandra on Aug 21, 2019 20:38:10 GMT
ted, you're only a month out of a painful breakup. Maybe you're not quite ready to date seriously yet? Can you take things slower with this new person, start getting to know each other as people and friends?
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hola
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by hola on Aug 21, 2019 21:10:13 GMT
Since the 6 month relationship with a DA (didn't know it till I gave up and dumped her) really brought out my AP tendencies. Any tips on shutting down those AP feelings. Met someone who seems secure and wonderful, but I notice myself getting anxiety when I haven't see a text from her in a while, or at the end of the date I feel like (but I haven't) gone for validation. Any tips how to manage this, normally wouldn't have bothered me like this before the DA. I think a lot of the anxiety you're feeling is from your very fresh and recent breakup w/the DA. You first need to heal from this pain as it's clouding any type of connection. You may mess up a potentially good thing by going too fast.
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ted
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by ted on Sept 6, 2019 15:33:38 GMT
Thanks all for the input.
Well the AP has really been put to the test, the new woman I was seeing had four great dates we both were thinking we were really in sync. We shared a lot about our past lives, successes and failures much deeper than I was used to this early.
After the fourth date, I felt close enough to her to let her know one thing I hadn't told her that I've been legally separated for 6 years (our assets were split, I pay a huge chunk of alimony, etc.) and the only reason I did that at that time was I was going to have to pay my ex-wife's private medical insurance vs. keeping her on my corporate which would have cost me another 10k a year. Of course there was no way on the dating site to indicate legally separated and marking myself separated would never have gotten me a single date. I explained this to her and told her why I waited till I thought we started to get close, knowing if I told her day one she might have run for the hills and to some degree airing my life story on the first date wouldn't have been disastrous. Plus, I've told this to other women I've dated and they really didn't care knowing it was my marriage certificate amounts to a piece of toilet paper right now, and I already saw a lawyer for a consult on divorce a month ago.
No matter, she obviously felt at some level (even though she didn't say it directly) I really planned hiding this from her. Couldn't sleep the whole night, and decided (regardless whether she would dump me) to move forward on the divorce even though financially it might wreck me even further.
Messaged her the next day, saying I was sorry if hurt her, and told her of my plans to move to a divorce.
She called me later and we talked, saying she didn't want me divorcing because of her (I wasn't pretty sure was going to dump me anyway -- divorce wasn't to save the relationship). So she said she understood the position I was put in but couldn't move forward because I was technically still married. I said I understood, and told her to take care.
May message her in a couple of weeks once the hurts subside, asking if I can keep her posted on my divorce.
No matter, logically I am ok with how this all played out, there will be other women.
Emotionally on the other hand I am shattered. I finally meet someone seems to have real potential and this happens. It's been 10 years (a 1/4 or my adult life) where I haven't had someone to share our days together, fell the warmth of someone on my shoulder.
Clearly this a AP post-relationship kicking in, just need a way to handle it.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2019 12:58:42 GMT
I would advise you to address your AP with the help of a therapist.
I don't quite understand on why you have jumped straight into a new relationship.
You need to give yourself time and work on your AP before bringing it's toxicity to a new relationship.
By toxicity I mean it will damage you unless you address it with professional help.
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