ted
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Posts: 18
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Post by ted on Aug 21, 2019 19:18:01 GMT
Read my other posts to see the description of my DA relationship that ended a month ago.
A bit more background, being the over-helper, during the relationship she had a business website I helped her with. In turn I offered and helped her intern learn the ropes to do some of things I was doing because certainly not something I wanted to do over the long haul while in a relationship with her anyway.
I also promised her (and I'd keep the promise) that I'd interview some business to help her (she's not technical) to work on her web site even if our relationship ended.
Also, I really liked the intern and I always offered if she got stuck she could email with questions, happy to support her (again I'd keep this promise) really super simple stuff.
Two days exactly a month since D-day in comes an email from the intern...asking for some guidance. No simple questions on what I trained the intern, but clearly my ex was trying to get deeper guidance on how to further her website using the poor naive intern as a conduit to get my help.
I did respond in business like terms addressing everything to the intern in the email, barely mentioning the ex, but I knew the intern would forward it to Ex, I thought that was the end of it.
NOPE. In comes an email today with a bunch of questions, sample... "[ex's name] also wanted me to ask about a program you said you were creating for..."
Ex has brass balls, the intern hasn't a clue what our relationship is about and I am sure if the Ex did explain it to her, she as a DA said everything is fine with me...because SHE's moved on. How self-centered can someone be. My time and attention has value, but know enough now Ex wants to keep drinking from that well.
So how to respond (or not)
Tempted to respond confidentially to the intern and just tell her to have Ex contact me if she needs more guidance, just don't want to hurt her feelings (she's 17).
or
Don't respond at all.
or
email the Ex (I do not want to break no contact though) and tell her what I promised her and what I promised the intern and if she should come directly at me.
Please some guidance, feeling so good at 30 days, now this happens.
Thanks.
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Post by hannah99 on Aug 21, 2019 19:30:32 GMT
Don't respond.
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hola
Junior Member
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Post by hola on Aug 21, 2019 20:33:42 GMT
Read my other posts to see the description of my DA relationship that ended a month ago. A bit more background, being the over-helper, during the relationship she had a business website I helped her with. In turn I offered and helped her intern learn the ropes to do some of things I was doing because certainly not something I wanted to do over the long haul while in a relationship with her anyway. I also promised her (and I'd keep the promise) that I'd interview some business to help her (she's not technical) to work on her web site even if our relationship ended. Also, I really liked the intern and I always offered if she got stuck she could email with questions, happy to support her (again I'd keep this promise) really super simple stuff. Two days exactly a month since D-day in comes an email from the intern...asking for some guidance. No simple questions on what I trained the intern, but clearly my ex was trying to get deeper guidance on how to further her website using the poor naive intern as a conduit to get my help. I did respond in business like terms addressing everything to the intern in the email, barely mentioning the ex, but I knew the intern would forward it to Ex, I thought that was the end of it. NOPE. In comes an email today with a bunch of questions, sample... "[ex's name] also wanted me to ask about a program you said you were creating for..." Ex has brass balls, the intern hasn't a clue what our relationship is about and I am sure if the Ex did explain it to her, she as a DA said everything is fine with me...because SHE's moved on. How self-centered can someone be. My time and attention has value, but know enough now Ex wants to keep drinking from that well. So how to respond (or not) Tempted to respond confidentially to the intern and just tell her to have Ex contact me if she needs more guidance, just don't want to hurt her feelings (she's 17). or Don't respond at all. or email the Ex (I do not want to break no contact though) and tell her what I promised her and what I promised the intern and if she should come directly at me. Please some guidance, feeling so good at 30 days, now this happens. Thanks. The 30 day rule......seems to never fail. Why is it? My ex FA does the same... IF you're going to respond, just talk to the intern, DO NOT say for your ex to contact you, that's just opening the door to what your ex really wants. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2019 20:43:50 GMT
The 30 day rule is nonsense.
You should remain no contact.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2019 21:06:10 GMT
I consider your original promise to be generous but lacking healthy boundaries. It's a nice fantasy to remain friends with an ex, and be ever helpful in case they need a hand.
But why, is that even reasonable? You said yourself you think she's got balls to be asking for all this. And she does. Just because you made a promise doesn't mean you need to keep it if it's not in your best interest. I'm not taking GENERALLY. - I'm talking about being a pleaser and over promising and putting yourself in a bind because of a dysfunctional relationship.
They will survive. I'd suggest staying no contact (NO BRAINER) and politely letting the intern know you have assisted with what you can, and are unable to provide further assistance. Be careful about making promises that have you taking better careful of someone else than you are of yourself- if you do that there is likely an agenda.
And don't make promises to be available to a partner after it ends . Thats poor self care and will be taken advantage of if your partner is selfish. Breakups mean goodbye.
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ted
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by ted on Aug 21, 2019 22:22:20 GMT
Thank you all so much. I am actually going to call the intern rather than email her. I think she is old enough to understand, just don't want her to feel bad.
Funny thing is I offered up the response to the intern on the first email, and of course I didn't hear boo from the Ex (not that I wanted to).
In the second email (I didn't respond to) there was an email chain between the Ex and the intern, the Ex said to her "You and he ought to look at this together." and "Again please check with him…", level of entitlement is shocking. Completely oblivious or how the intern or I might feel.
Of course, slapping myself for even making the offer in the first place. No Contact it is. I got some work to do on myself :-(
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2019 22:30:35 GMT
This is a really good lesson in over-helping. Do remember that you created this problem, and I'm sure it was well intentioned but it's got you resenting her because she took you up on it.
There's something behind that offer that had more to do with helping you than helping her, whether it was to earn something or secure something. We all have our little shadow sides and discovering what yours is in this will help you prevent doing it again. It's just a learning process but you totally get to decide the outcome of it. Good on you for realizing that.
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ted
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by ted on Aug 22, 2019 0:01:03 GMT
This is a really good lesson in over-helping. Do remember that you created this problem, and I'm sure it was well intentioned but it's got you resenting her because she took you up on it. There's something behind that offer that had more to do with helping you than helping her, whether it was to earn something or secure something. We all have our little shadow sides and discovering what yours is in this will help you prevent doing it again. It's just a learning process but you totally get to decide the outcome of it. Good on you for realizing that. Sherry, I hear you I made my own bed, and what I just blown away is not that she took me up on it, she is using her intern to get at me to take her up on it. No matter, my bad. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2019 0:10:49 GMT
This is a really good lesson in over-helping. Do remember that you created this problem, and I'm sure it was well intentioned but it's got you resenting her because she took you up on it. There's something behind that offer that had more to do with helping you than helping her, whether it was to earn something or secure something. We all have our little shadow sides and discovering what yours is in this will help you prevent doing it again. It's just a learning process but you totally get to decide the outcome of it. Good on you for realizing that. Sherry, I hear you I made my own bed, and what I just blown away is not that she took me up on it, she is using her intern to get at me to take her up on it. No matter, my bad. Yeah, but don't beat yourself up- know you see it. The really great thing is you get to say No now, and just put it behind you. Lesson learned are really, no big loss. And you get to keep your no contact and move toward what you really want. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2019 0:53:55 GMT
This is a really good lesson in over-helping. Do remember that you created this problem, and I'm sure it was well intentioned but it's got you resenting her because she took you up on it. There's something behind that offer that had more to do with helping you than helping her, whether it was to earn something or secure something. We all have our little shadow sides and discovering what yours is in this will help you prevent doing it again. It's just a learning process but you totally get to decide the outcome of it. Good on you for realizing that. Sherry, I hear you I made my own bed, and what I just blown away is not that she took me up on it, she is using her intern to get at me to take her up on it. No matter, my bad. there's no need to feel bad about it at all. I have similar experiences - i often willingly extend help and then I feel taken advantage of when someone uses that help without much appreciation. So the gap in that story is that I assume/expect people to recognize my kindness and treat it/me with appreciation, not entitlement. Whether or not that expectation is legit is a separate story, but identifying that gap and articulating it makes me realize that I only want people who are genuinely appreciative to be in my life, so I keep that expectation consciously and act accordingly using it as a principle. The bottom line is this: I don't have to feel bad offering help, but I do need to be careful in the future when I do. I also need to be cognizant of my state when i'm offering help - sometimes it feels like I have no boundaries, and I am offering my self to the person. This is no longer an option. If i do offer help, it is with control and a measured, generic statement. If I do offer that help, I do not need to actually give it subsequently if I feel like that help is not appreciated. But with that information, i make a judgment on whether or not I want to continue any sort of interaction with this person. In your case, it is already over, so there's no need to continue offering help to her unless it is a personal request from the intern, if you are so inclined. |
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Post by mrob on Aug 22, 2019 22:54:42 GMT
So you’re going to drag this poor intern into this mess because you’re scared of facing up to your ex? I think that’s just as cowardly as your ex’s actions.
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ted
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by ted on Aug 23, 2019 1:13:00 GMT
mrob, already thought through it. She's dragging her through it, I shouldn't make it worse, you are right.
I was tempted to call the intern just explain that I really can't help her so my ignoring another email wouldn't hurt her feelings.
My motivation was avoid having to avoid direct contact with her but shut down the contact, again cowardly.
Only really choice it to just contact her directly and shut it down or just ignore any more contact from the intern or her.
If she doesn't have the decency to come at me directly and not put the intern in the middle, that's her problem.
Just going no contact and ignoring any contact be it from the intern or her.
Thanks all for your guidance.
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