|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 27, 2019 15:57:44 GMT
This morning B posted "in a relationship" he did not post who but she has already loved his post. I have decided, in order to protect my heart, to unfriend him. I am still numb. This is less then a month since i last saw him. He never put that he was in a relationship when he and i were dating. I still jave an item he left here and i will simply mail it to him.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 28, 2019 0:35:11 GMT
It was a very hard day...lots of tears....and talks with 3 friends. I hope I can sleep tonight.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 28, 2019 12:57:48 GMT
So...I am proud that I have not gone to check since I unfriended him...but....I cannot seem to let go of the comparisons..the whole, what did she do right, what did I do wrong...it is so entrenched today....I feel like I am fighting letting go with any last ditch effort. I have not experienced this with any other guy....so much resistance to moving forward. So much...if I cannot be with him what is the point. Just noticing today,...
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 28, 2019 15:08:03 GMT
I realize this post has become more like a mini diary. I just had a good, necessary and refreshing cry. It likely will not be my last one....but I needed to get some hurt out. I realize that B has not been gentle with my feelings...that he has been unable to do relationship fully with me and that this is likely a pattern that will not change. I say this not to put the focus back on him or even to blame him...but to put some distance between my fantasy of B versus reality. I think part of healing for an AP is to adopt some more realistic...call them even avoidant tactics. I don’t think it was safe to do that as a child...so this is new and well worth exploring for me. The goal is to find myself, separate from B, because I was getting despondent and seeing no point in life without him....which is extremely self damaging and something I hope to address with an SE therapist.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2019 15:45:25 GMT
I realize this post has become more like a mini diary. I just had a good, necessary and refreshing cry. It likely will not be my last one....but I needed to get some hurt out. I realize that B has not been gentle with my feelings...that he has been unable to do relationship fully with me and that this is likely a pattern that will not change. I say this not to put the focus back on him or even to blame him...but to put some distance between my fantasy of B versus reality. I think part of healing for an AP is to adopt some more realistic...call them even avoidant tactics. I don’t think it was safe to do that as a child...so this is new and well worth exploring for me. The goal is to find myself, separate from B, because I was getting despondent and seeing no point in life without him....which is extremely self damaging and something I hope to address with an SE therapist. I'm so glad that you are looking forward to meeting with an SE therapist. Please believe me, this process can increase your hope and receptiveness to love that embraces you instead of pushes you away. I've had more opening and relief within myself from this process than with any other therapeutic experience. It builds upon the work that I have done prior- but I really had no interest in trying therapy any more before I ran into this somatic practitioner and she talked to me the way she did. I was like you, just frustrated and asking Why can't I just be done? Why haven't I healed? What more can I do? What is wrong with me? Why can I just not get this? How much must I try and not get any further? Life changing. It's been life changing. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 28, 2019 18:54:40 GMT
So I left a voicemail with a SE therapist...hopefully she returns my calls....been a very wild ride of emotions...various degree of jaw clenching and should/neck soreness. I will confess...I spent time reading through the FA boards.....trying to understand how B could commit so quickly to this girl. It baffles me because he literally said to me 3 week ago that he was taking it slow. I know it is not my concern or my business and I really don’t need an answer because that is the hope trying to predict things. Again...I am not good at letting go....so this type of questioning is going to come up.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2019 18:55:54 GMT
So I left a voicemail with a SE therapist...hopefully she returns my calls....been a very wild ride of emotions...various degree of jaw clenching and should/neck soreness. I will confess...I spent time reading through the FA boards.....trying to understand how B could commit so quickly to this girl. It baffles me because he literally said to me 3 week ago that he was taking it slow. I know it is not my concern or my business Zander I really don’t need an answer because that is the hope trying to predict things. Again...I am not good at letting go....so this type of questioning is going to come up. Hang in there! Help is on the way! |
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Aug 28, 2019 23:53:21 GMT
Reality check for you. He has not healed his wounds, its not going to work. It only seems all is good, is not.
Remember, even secures dont make it past that honeymoon stage let alone one with unhealed attachment wounds/unaware. They are just not triggered yet.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 29, 2019 2:01:29 GMT
Reality check for you. He has not healed his wounds, its not going to work. It only seems all is good, is not. Remember, even secures dont make it past that honeymoon stage let alone one with unhealed attachment wounds/unaware. They are just not triggered yet. I do appreciate the reality check...and then I think...maybe their dynamic will be more suitable, maybe he will want to do the work this time, give up alcohol, work on his deactivation. |
|
|
|
Post by kisstheviolets on Aug 29, 2019 2:17:43 GMT
Reality check for you. He has not healed his wounds, its not going to work. It only seems all is good, is not. Remember, even secures dont make it past that honeymoon stage let alone one with unhealed attachment wounds/unaware. They are just not triggered yet. I do appreciate the reality check...and then I think...maybe their dynamic will be more suitable, maybe he will want to do the work this time, give up alcohol, work on his deactivation. J did the same thing and every single thing you say is like you’re in my head. Babe, we will get through this and one thing about those tables is they ALWAYS turn. |
|
|
|
Post by dhali on Aug 29, 2019 2:31:06 GMT
Nah. They may want to work on it, but check out the other board to see how long and how hard it is. They would have to do some pre-work, so to speak. Also the extreme reluctance for self improvement emotionally makes it highly unlikely, imo.
Anyhow, though, it doesn’t really matter. If they find someone they want to be with, that should be fine. It’s really none of your business. Your obsession isn’t love, it’s just an obsession.
Basically, the worry you’re putting out there is the wrong focus. You need to get into a head space where you can accept that things are over. And that really, you were given a gift. The amount of anguish your going through is nothing compared to what a lifelong relationship with this person would be like. Said another way, you dodged a bullet.
I’m not saying you’re clean as a whistle, but that’s something in your control moving forward.
By the way, you’ll heal much faster by deleting all memories and connections to them. You need to tell yourself that it’s over forever, and start acting like it. Even if you don’t like it.
PS- I was the guy she was going to do the work for because she decided she wanted a relationship. That lasted until she had an ounce of work to do. I’ve once heard the desire not to enter conflict to an avoidant, is so natural, and makes ALL the sense in the world to them. I mean, who likes conflict? So opt for not doing it. The new person won’t even know what hit them. It’s over before it started
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2019 2:46:10 GMT
I do appreciate the reality check...and then I think...maybe their dynamic will be more suitable, maybe he will want to do the work this time, give up alcohol, work on his deactivation. J did the same thing and every single thing you say is like you’re in my head. Babe, we will get through this and one thing about those tables is they ALWAYS turn. I have a different perspective. It is entirely possible and also desirable for him to want to do the work, give up alcohol, and work on whatever personal issues he has that prohibit him from living an authentic, connected and satisfying life. He appears to be invested in himself and his future. He has a new relationship and the dynamic in it might truly be healthier and an improvement upon the dynamic/emotional availability he had with you. None of this is a factor in your own emotional growth. You, at present, and for the last couple of years, are not emotionally stable or healthy enough to be a good partner to yourself or anyone else. You are deeply entrenched in your own issues and have continually denied the necessity of moving on, cutting contact, and accepting that he broke up with you because he didn't want a relationship with you. These are things you will need to face in order to work on yourself, and become healthier and suitable for an appropriate, emotionally available relationship. Focusing on him has always been your go-to and this is continuing even as he moves on and you obsess about his progress. If he becomes healthier, it is to his credit. It will not make you healthier or more desirable as a mate. The only thing that will make you healthier and truly ease your dilemma is if you actually consider your own condition rather than his, and your own future rather than his. There is a point at which each of us must face the reality of our own shortcomings and accept that our relationships have failed because we helped fail them. Your relationship with him was not viable because it was intended as casual, not committed, and it had all the hallmarks of a doomed relationship. Substance abuse, insecure attachment on your part, unknown and undiagnosed issues on his part- and most notably a lack of intent to solidify it and make it a committed romantic relationship. These are facts to accept, not realities to avoid and continuously deny. So yes. He may get healthier. Hopefully he will. You may think that you can come here and analyze it and look for comfort and come up with this or that scenario based on "reality checks" and assumptions and predictions. This is an illusion. You spent two years or so wondering if he is seeing someone else and talked yourself down every time. Here he is, in a relationship. Abandon this self defeating habit. It is to some extent a matter of your choice. Your choices are influenced by your attachment style. Worry about changing your own addictions, coping mechanisms, dynamic, and activation. Stop concerning yourself with his! It is truly, not reasonable or helpful. You've made contact with a therapist. Think about your own progress. Keep your eyes on the road. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 29, 2019 2:49:55 GMT
Nah. They may want to work on it, but check out the other board to see how long and how hard it is. They would have to do some pre-work, so to speak. Also the extreme reluctance for self improvement emotionally makes it highly unlikely, imo. Anyhow, though, it doesn’t really matter. If they find someone they want to be with, that should be fine. It’s really none of your business. Your obsession isn’t love, it’s just an obsession. Basically, the worry you’re putting out there is the wrong focus. You need to get into a head space where you can accept that things are over. And that really, you were given a gift. The amount of anguish your going through is nothing compared to what a lifelong relationship with this person would be like. Said another way, you dodged a bullet. I’m not saying you’re clean as a whistle, but that’s something in your control moving forward. By the way, you’ll heal much faster by deleting all memories and connections to them. You need to tell yourself that it’s over forever, and start acting like it. Even if you don’t like it. PS- I was the guy she was going to do the work for because she decided she wanted a relationship. That lasted until she had an ounce of work to do. I’ve once heard the desire not to enter conflict to an avoidant, is so natural, and makes ALL the sense in the world to them. I mean, who likes conflict? So opt for not doing it. The new person won’t even know what hit them. It’s over before it started I appreciate the reality...and yes....I do want to move into a space of acceptance....which is why I am going to go to therapy...to take care of me and what I need to work on. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 29, 2019 2:56:40 GMT
J did the same thing and every single thing you say is like you’re in my head. Babe, we will get through this and one thing about those tables is they ALWAYS turn. I have a different perspective. It is entirely possible and also desirable for him to want to do the work, give up alcohol, and work on whatever personal issues he has that prohibit him from living an authentic, connected and satisfying life. He appears to be invested in himself and his future. He has a new relationship and the dynamic in it might truly be healthier and an improvement upon the dynamic/emotional availability he had with you. None of this is a factor in your own emotional growth. You, at present, and for the last couple of years, are not emotionally stable or healthy enough to be a good partner to yourself or anyone else. You are deeply entrenched in your own issues and have continually denied the necessity of moving on, cutting contact, and accepting that he broke up with you because he didn't want a relationship with you. These are things you will need to face in order to work on yourself, and become healthier and suitable for an appropriate, emotionally available relationship. Focusing on him has always been your go-to and this is continuing even as he moves on and you obsess about his progress. If he becomes healthier, it is to his credit. It will not make you healthier or more desirable as a mate. The only thing that will make you healthier and truly ease your dilemma is if you actually consider your own condition rather than his, and your own future rather than his. There is a point at which each of us must face the reality of our own shortcomings and accept that our relationships have failed because we helped fail them. Your relationship with him was not viable because it was intended as casual, not committed, and it had all the hallmarks of a doomed relationship. Substance abuse, insecure attachment on your part, unknown and undiagnosed issues on his part- and most notably a lack of intent to solidify it and make it a committed romantic relationship. These are facts to accept, not realities to avoid and continuously deny. So yes. He may get healthier. Hopefully he will. You may think that you can come here and analyze it and look for comfort and come up with this or that scenario based on "reality checks" and assumptions and predictions. This is an illusion. You spent two years or so wondering if he is seeing someone else and talked yourself down every time. Here he is, in a relationship. Abandon this self defeating habit. It is to some extent a matter of your choice. Your choices are influenced by your attachment style. Worry about changing your own addictions, coping mechanisms, dynamic, and activation. Stop concerning yourself with his! It is truly, not reasonable or helpful. You've made contact with a therapist. Think about your own progress. Keep your eyes on the road. Yep...I own it Sherry...that is why I am going to therapy....because I can’t do this on my own. On my own I go right back to form...on my own....my hope wishes they would break up...on my own...I get stuck in circular thinking. I am not a good therapist to myself..not by a long shot. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2019 3:02:32 GMT
You will end up in pain every time you think of him. Just get to that therapist asap and treat this as if your life depends on it because it actually does. This is no way to live, and the self neglect will eventually take a toll you'd rather not pay. Surely you know that.
Help is on the way but don't delay and remember that you're worth the effort, the commitment, and the time .
|
|
