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Post by alexandra on Sept 4, 2019 16:19:19 GMT
tnr9, can you do some affirmations that not "winning someone over" isn't failure? People are incompatible all the time, and it's both neutral and not a reflection on you. It's just a learning experience, and you learned more about who he is and about what you want and deserve (which is more than was present!).
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 4, 2019 21:25:17 GMT
tnr9 , can you do some affirmations that not "winning someone over" isn't failure? People are incompatible all the time, and it's both neutral and not a reflection on you. It's just a learning experience, and you learned more about who he is and about what you want and deserve (which is more than was present!). Well...that is one thing that is feeding a failure perspective...there is something else going on completely not related. It is a very young perspective...if I am a failure...then I can change things...but if it just is...there is nowhere for me to go with it....does that make sense?
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 5, 2019 4:19:28 GMT
Today was overall a good day....accomplished a lot at work and then worked my second job. I had a moment where I got “scared”about B “blocking me” (really irrational...but wanted to support that scared side) so I quickly looked him up...saw that I could still find him and then quickly went back to my business as usual. Did not look at his page..which I thought was a huge victory....so I am proud of myself for that.
A bit more about the other thing that made me feel like a failure....I collect a certain brand of candle and came upon a rather rare one for a really good price but forgot to ask the seller to reserve it for me and it ended up being bought by someone else and I quickly spiraled into shame about missing out....and ruminating about it over and over again....today is the first day that I was able to not think about it and that is because I reached out to some people who are going to keep an eye out for it. I have a hard time between a mistake and shame..mistake: action outside myself, shame: directly tied to my view of myself.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 6, 2019 3:28:33 GMT
So tonight I have been a bit weepy and missing B....my dad is in the hospital and when I get scared...I tend to crave a B connection more. I am still staying strong though...haven’t checked or texted or anything....I am leaving him alone.
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Post by iz42 on Sept 6, 2019 5:01:37 GMT
tnr9 so sorry about your dad. I hope you have support from other family and friends. I know the feeling well. It sounds like you’re doing your best to cope without returning to familiar habits. I’m in a lot of pain at the moment after telling my ex I can’t be friends with him and blocking him on fb. It feels so final. I’m going to do my best to take care of myself and I’m sending lots of compassion your way.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 6, 2019 5:04:45 GMT
Sending positive thoughts to your dad, tnr9!
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 6, 2019 13:21:43 GMT
This morning I feel....resentment.....and I think it is good. Resentment for me is overwhelm expressed through anger....a sense of pushing back on perceived obligations. It is a signal that I need to pull back, give myself space and slow down....this is an important awareness for me because if I let resentment just fester without understanding what it is trying to teach me...then I could blowup at someone for no reason or think this has to do with something outside of me when it doesn’t. Overwhelm for me feels suffocating...like I have no choice but to push back hard, white knuckle, hold my ground against someone else’s expectations. But underneath that is a cry some space to define myself...to open up space and choice and that resides inside of myself. So I am changing my shallow breath to deep breaths. I am acknowledging the overwhelm. I am releases the resentment. I will find a pocket of time to just be...to have choice....because we all need choice.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 7, 2019 3:52:48 GMT
Tonight i was scrolling through my friends and happened upon a really pretty picture of one of them. As it turns out, bB made a comment on her picture (she is a mutual friend). It was such an innocent moment but i felt myself become fearful and freeze. I don't understand this at all...this is not even his gf. My reaction feels so foolish and immature...yet my jaw is tightening and i am crying....and i don't know why. Why does seeing anything from him create this much fear, sadness and tightening of my jaw.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 7, 2019 4:05:09 GMT
tnr9, he's a trigger for you right now, that's all. It's annoying, but it's also okay. You didn't seek it out, and it will pass and you'll feel better. You may need to wait it out a couple days, but you're doing a really good job of doing things for yourself right now!
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 7, 2019 10:45:33 GMT
tnr9, he's a trigger for you right now, that's all. It's annoying, but it's also okay. You didn't seek it out, and it will pass and you'll feel better. You may need to wait it out a couple days, but you're doing a really good job of doing things for yourself right now! Thanks Alexandra...I don't understand this at all....how can i still be this triggered by him? I just want to understand...it seems so "extreme"
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Post by alexandra on Sept 7, 2019 15:06:52 GMT
tnr9, he's an attachment figure for you and has been for a very long time. When you've got an insecure attachment style, not only do you have all the feelings about the person and relationship, but also all the childhood trauma projections that have nothing to do with him but are still in your nervous system. He stirs those up on some level and will keep doing so until he is less of an attachment figure to you (you are trying to detatch now, and it takes time) and he doesn't rouse your fear of abandonment. Working on the fear of abandonment is one of the things you're doing now as well, figuring out how to be more present and not abandon yourself.
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 7, 2019 16:17:47 GMT
Tonight i was scrolling through my friends and happened upon a really pretty picture of one of them. As it turns out, bB made a comment on her picture (she is a mutual friend). It was such an innocent moment but i felt myself become fearful and freeze. I don't understand this at all...this is not even his gf. My reaction feels so foolish and immature...yet my jaw is tightening and i am crying....and i don't know why. Why does seeing anything from him create this much fear, sadness and tightening of my jaw. I feel so much empathy for you and wish so bad for you to get the peace you deserve. You have been suffering so long and I know it is agony. J does the same for me. For example he is a trumpet player. And I love music of all sorts but can barely listen to anything because when I hear a trumpet, my heart hurts and I just begin to ruminate on the thoughts of how he would play for me or how handsome he was as he played and then I just go into this whirlwind of putting him on this pedestal and it goes on and on. The damn sound of a trumpet. It gets so exhausting. I know you are exhausted but you are my hero in life right now, I think you’re very strong 🖤
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 7, 2019 16:23:43 GMT
Today was overall a good day....accomplished a lot at work and then worked my second job. I had a moment where I got “scared”about B “blocking me” (really irrational...but wanted to support that scared side) so I quickly looked him up...saw that I could still find him and then quickly went back to my business as usual. Did not look at his page..which I thought was a huge victory....so I am proud of myself for that. A bit more about the other thing that made me feel like a failure....I collect a certain brand of candle and came upon a rather rare one for a really good price but forgot to ask the seller to reserve it for me and it ended up being bought by someone else and I quickly spiraled into shame about missing out....and ruminating about it over and over again....today is the first day that I was able to not think about it and that is because I reached out to some people who are going to keep an eye out for it. I have a hard time between a mistake and shame..mistake: action outside myself, shame: directly tied to my view of myself. What all access do you have to him? Like did you keep him on social media as a friend or just defriended and not blocked? Did you change numbers or block emails? I am asking because I am so struggling to block J on FB and I know it’s because it’s a way to get my fix and it’s so toxic to me. Maybe we can buddy up and block them together❤️ Do you think that is similar for you?
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 7, 2019 21:21:26 GMT
Today was overall a good day....accomplished a lot at work and then worked my second job. I had a moment where I got “scared”about B “blocking me” (really irrational...but wanted to support that scared side) so I quickly looked him up...saw that I could still find him and then quickly went back to my business as usual. Did not look at his page..which I thought was a huge victory....so I am proud of myself for that. A bit more about the other thing that made me feel like a failure....I collect a certain brand of candle and came upon a rather rare one for a really good price but forgot to ask the seller to reserve it for me and it ended up being bought by someone else and I quickly spiraled into shame about missing out....and ruminating about it over and over again....today is the first day that I was able to not think about it and that is because I reached out to some people who are going to keep an eye out for it. I have a hard time between a mistake and shame..mistake: action outside myself, shame: directly tied to my view of myself. What all access do you have to him? Like did you keep him on social media as a friend or just defriended and not blocked? Did you change numbers or block emails? I am asking because I am so struggling to block J on FB and I know it’s because it’s a way to get my fix and it’s so toxic to me. Maybe we can buddy up and block them together❤️ Do you think that is similar for you? I actually am better now....I think getting the feelings out really helped. I haven’t blocked B....I really don’t see a purpose in that unless he was reaching out, which he isn’t. Although I saw he liked and posted on my friend’s page, I did not go to his page. I think my biggest challenge is just letting a like or a comment be just that and not overlaying some kind of interpretation onto it. Just one I was in another friend’s page and he liked some of her pictures....but there was also a video of her and me and he did not like that..so my natural inclination is to think he saw it and did not like it because he is mad at me...but I have nothing to base that on but my own paranoia and self centered perspective. It seems I still have work to do on boundaries.
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 7, 2019 23:25:43 GMT
What all access do you have to him? Like did you keep him on social media as a friend or just defriended and not blocked? Did you change numbers or block emails? I am asking because I am so struggling to block J on FB and I know it’s because it’s a way to get my fix and it’s so toxic to me. Maybe we can buddy up and block them together❤️ Do you think that is similar for you? I actually am better now....I think getting the feelings out really helped. I haven’t blocked B....I really don’t see a purpose in that unless he was reaching out, which he isn’t. Although I saw he liked and posted on my friend’s page, I did not go to his page. I think my biggest challenge is just letting a like or a comment be just that and not overlaying some kind of interpretation onto it. Just one I was in another friend’s page and he liked some of her pictures....but there was also a video of her and me and he did not like that..so my natural inclination is to think he saw it and did not like it because he is mad at me...but I have nothing to base that on but my own paranoia and self centered perspective. It seems I still have work to do on boundaries. You are doing good:) Why do you think B is mad at you? I think maybe I missed that?
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