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Post by iz42 on Sept 1, 2019 21:07:50 GMT
I blocked him. I just want to say that I appreciate all the comments. at this point I would appreciate advice about how to move forward and take care of myself. I know that I have to make a complete break with him on a very deep level and there is no part of me that wants to save him at this point. If anything, I do feel the need to save myself now and want to follow that instinct. That’s why I came to this forum. The main reason that I’ve held off this long is that I have been lonely and depressed. I know how ridiculous that sounds but I moved recently and don’t have many friends - not super easy in my mid 30s but I’m working on it. Also because I’ve been afraid to assert myself and tell him that this isn’t working for me and I can’t do this anymore. I’ve never actually told him that before. averyleigh I think there are different ways to handle ending things, and for now he is blocked, but it does feel potentially empowering for me to have a conversation in the future in which I tell him that I’m done for good. With no expectations or concerns for how he might react. I’ve seen other threads where people have discussed different approaches and I will decide what to do once I have cleared my head and had more space to think and talk with my therapist. I understand where you’re coming from. This is a process and I’m getting there. At some level it is partly about talking and planning because I’ve had to do a lot of work to be ready to let him go. Obviously there is much more to be done to become more secure. For now I’m going to move forward with no contact and work on very basic self care. I turned to music and art and lots of reading. At first I was obsessive about reading about attachment theory and his attachment style then one day it just dawned on me, to be reading up on mine. Then it took a while after that to realize that I shouldn’t be shameful about my attachment style, the more I understood myself, the more room I had inside to forgive and let go. I started to revisit the initial wound and created a new journey for myself. I realized my dysfunctional and toxic saga with him was a placeholder for the initial wound/fears of abandonment. I started opening up to family/ issues I had been avoiding and tried to work on those relationships. Most importantly I learned to be kind to myself. I didn't realize I had a constant negative narrative running in my head that made me believe I deserved so little. It had been my background soundtrack for so long, I didn’t know it existed. In moments I would make a mistake, I would instantly say mean things to myself, (I didn’t even realize I was doing this, continuing the work of an old narrative of my abusers/family) I stopped myself and substituted it with the something positive. I spoke to myself with the love and care as I would to my best friend or a younger version of me. These are all incredibly helpful suggestions. I've learned a lot just in the past few days since I joined this forum and I intend to continue to think very hard about why I continued to put myself through all this pain when it was clear what was happening. There were many points where I could have refused contact or refused to be there for him. And instead I made terrible choices. I think the hardest part will be forgiving myself. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I'm sorry you're struggling yourself as well. I hope things turn around soon. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2019 21:12:54 GMT
@sherry I’m appreciate your feedback. You’re right that the relationship was always toxic and I have no one to blame but myself. "Blame" is an AP talking point- and not what I was getting at. It is possible to wake up and take responsibility for your unhealthy habits and behavior without beating yourself up. It can alternately be seen as coming to realize where your own illusions have misled you, how your misplaced focus has prolonged your pain, how your low self esteem is in need of repair so that you can care from a position of true strength and integrity instead of from a place of need. I don't see the appropriateness i'd blame, because every person is shaped emotionally and psychologically by experiences from early childhood on- as adults however we have the power and the responsibility to take care of our shortcomings and mistakes. I see this process as one of self love not of self hate or shame. There are people here who try very hard to understand their unavailable partner (Or even NON PARTNER) in terms of attachment theory, and learn a whole new vocabulary to describe what they are experiencing and project their own narrative on the situation. Instead of blowing them off and ignoring them because they have no immediate need for attention; their partner (or non-partner ) is now "deactivating". Instead of being in a non-relationship, without commitment, mutual effort, and mutual intention to build an exclusive intimate relationship for long term, people are "accommodating their non-partner's attachment style" and assuming that their idea of what is happening is the same as the other person's idea of what is happening. While sacrificing their own expectation for respectful and consistent behavior due to their own insecurity and low self esteem and fear , they are "being patient" and "supporting" an unavailable partner. It's all done on the guise of strength, while elsewhere on they admit they are afraid. Afraid of losing him, being wrong, him finding another woman, him not needing them. Be aware of what you are doing. I just posted an article in the general section on The BS Diet. Don't kid yourself about what you are participating in, because it only prolongs your problem and brings you more anxiety. And it beats your self esteem to a pulp. This kind of stuff has been going on for centuries, you are not the first and won't be the last- we all have been mistaken about relationships and experienced a lot of pain around that. Why not just be gentle and firm and caring toward yourself and work to improve your relationship with yourself so that you can stop the cycle? It's not blame- you'd be doing yourself a favor. |
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Post by iz42 on Sept 1, 2019 21:59:06 GMT
@sherry I'm very early on in the process and have been severely depressed so that is likely clouding my thinking. It's hard for me to see responsibility as separate from blame right now. I see myself as primarily responsible for the situation. I was using coping strategies that made the relationship more and more painful for me and created frustration for him. I feel like I let myself waste years of my life and that is especially difficult. It's also hard not to see avoidant behaviors as "strong/good" and AP as "weak/bad." When I hear "low self esteem" and "codependency" it sounds pathological.
I know that none of this is helpful so I'm going to have to figure out a healthier way to move forward. What you said about self love was very useful and I want to work to shift my viewpoint. Thank you so much for your comment.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2019 22:27:16 GMT
@sherry I'm very early on in the process and have been severely depressed so that is likely clouding my thinking. It's hard for me to see responsibility as separate from blame right now. I see myself as primarily responsible for the situation. I was using coping strategies that made the relationship more and more painful for me and created frustration for him. I feel like I let myself waste years of my life and that is especially difficult. It's also hard not to see avoidant behaviors as "strong/good" and AP as "weak/bad." When I hear "low self esteem" and "codependency" it sounds pathological. I know that none of this is helpful so I'm going to have to figure out a healthier way to move forward. What you said about self love was very useful and I want to work to shift my viewpoint. Thank you so much for your comment. I'm sorry you're in depression, I hope that you can find hope in some of the stories here of AP who have begun to reclaim their lives. We avoidants must reclaim ours also, the process just looks different. I have a friend who is AP- a male. He drives me bonkers with his insecure behavior, That's not what I'm getting at. He needs to work on that. But what I can tell you, is he has a heart of gold. He's just a wonderful, beautiful person who would give the shirt off his back to help someone in need. I hate that his self esteem is so low, because it's such an inaccurate reflection of who he truly is. I see him as a very strong person, who has integrity and is absolutely trustworthy. The only person he lets down is himself! Hes got a girlfriend who is as selfish and opportunistic as the day is long. She avails herself of his goodness, all the goodness he can give and provides nothing but rejection and criticism in return. When she is low on money he finds a job to make some cash and gives it to her, so she won't do without. He is by her side when she is in pain, and never has her support when he struggles. It's a completely lopsided crappy relationship, and he is consistently hurt, angry, lonely, and insecure about himself. He is vulnerable to manipulation. He is susceptible to his own fantasy that if he could just prove his worth to her, she would treat him better. Do I blame him? NO! She behaves terrible because of her own issues. His low self esteem and insecurity is not an issue of blame- but I have asked him "Why are you doing this to yourself? What is in this for you? What are you getting out of this?". He cannot answer. He cannot see straight, and he can't let her go. I see this as sad, and it's also maddening. I see that he is trying very hard to do the right thing, but the one thing he will not do is take responsibility for his part in this. He blames her continuously. Then he blames himself. He cannot seem to recognize that really, no one is to blame. But they are both responsible as adults for their own well being, and what they contribute. I think the only thing keeping him from walking away is his fear of failure. His own narrative says he can do enough and she will value him and be different. It's his own conditioning- it's not a character flaw, it's just what he believes because he felt he had to fight for love when he was a kid, probably. This woman, from my perspective, is avoidant- probably dismissive. I'm DA and that's how I take her behavior- dismissive with a good deal of narcissism thrown in actually- that happens on both ends of the spectrum. She also has an active addiction. This is not good/strong. It's all avoidant. By friend is not bad/weak. He's just insecure, anxious. All of it is insecurity. All of it is early childhood conditioning. It's a common problem- about half of the population has insecure attachment. It's not a shamefu thing, it's just reality. Our parents suffered too. You can't give what you don't have- you can't know what you don't know, until you learn it. This is all just a human experience- you're no worse or no more flawed or more defective than anyone else- we all struggle and it just manifests differently. We all are individuals, more than our -isms and issues. Just human. Don't be hard on yourself, just look for ways to take good care of yourself and look for help from other people who have been there, done that. You're ok, and you deserve a chance at a happy life and good relationships. |
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Post by averyleigh on Sept 1, 2019 22:32:59 GMT
I turned to music and art and lots of reading. At first I was obsessive about reading about attachment theory and his attachment style then one day it just dawned on me, to be reading up on mine. Then it took a while after that to realize that I shouldn’t be shameful about my attachment style, the more I understood myself, the more room I had inside to forgive and let go. I started to revisit the initial wound and created a new journey for myself. I realized my dysfunctional and toxic saga with him was a placeholder for the initial wound/fears of abandonment. I started opening up to family/ issues I had been avoiding and tried to work on those relationships. Most importantly I learned to be kind to myself. I didn't realize I had a constant negative narrative running in my head that made me believe I deserved so little. It had been my background soundtrack for so long, I didn’t know it existed. In moments I would make a mistake, I would instantly say mean things to myself, (I didn’t even realize I was doing this, continuing the work of an old narrative of my abusers/family) I stopped myself and substituted it with the something positive. I spoke to myself with the love and care as I would to my best friend or a younger version of me. These are all incredibly helpful suggestions. I've learned a lot just in the past few days since I joined this forum and I intend to continue to think very hard about why I continued to put myself through all this pain when it was clear what was happening. There were many points where I could have refused contact or refused to be there for him. And instead I made terrible choices. I think the hardest part will be forgiving myself. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I'm sorry you're struggling yourself as well. I hope things turn around soon. Dear iz42, Thank you for the reply and well wishes. I don’t mean to bombard you with more suggestions but if you haven’t looked into it yet, I’d suggest finding a personal therapist. In the meantime, if you don’t know about trauma bonds, google it. It will help give you more insight and make you feel less shameful about your difficulty of letting go. You aren’t weak; our bodies create chemicals that make it difficult. Arm yourself with knowledge and positivity and know it’s possible to defeat your old patterns that no longer serve you. The way we deal and cope with things are all survival tools we learned at a very young age. Those ways helped shape us and keep us safe; what we don’t realize is that we outgrow them as adults. In my situation, I was physically and emotionally abused as a child. If I spoke openly about my feelings I would either be ignored or hit. I learned to walk on eggshells and please people I didn’t necessarily agree with in order to survive in my abusive environment. I lived in constant fear. As I got older, I realized this caused a delayed reaction in my feelings and I froze when it came to standing up for myself in times I needed to. My coping mechanisms that saved me from being severely beaten as a child no longer serve me as an adult. And as time went on, I attracted the same kind of abusive people similar to my family because of the familiarity. I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Even though I escaped my family dynamic, here I was in a new yet familiar setting, walking on eggshells and colluding in passive aggressive behavior. Subconsciously I recreate similar situations as my childhood in hopes of changing the outcome, failing every time. I have had to work hard on breaking this pattern with the people I have let into my life. I still am dealing with the hurt and trauma of letting certain people I have toxic chemistry with go. Each time I repeat this pattern, it feels so deeply painful and heavy because it is opening an old wound from my childhood that never healed. It was never him that created a wound that deep, he just triggered my abandonment issues that were already there and never tended to properly. I used him as a drug and a distraction from this. Hopefully you can take time for yourself and work on finding out what specific methods you use that are no longer working in your favor. |
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Post by dhali on Sept 2, 2019 0:17:47 GMT
I see a lot of excusing behavior due to attachment type in this thread. Attachment type is no excuse to treat someone shitty, regardless of an AP lacking boundaries. Maybe it’s no one’s fault, but one person is still a jackass and the other a doormat.
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Post by averyleigh on Sept 2, 2019 0:27:31 GMT
I see a lot of excusing behavior due to attachment type in this thread. Attachment type is no excuse to treat someone shitty, regardless of an AP lacking boundaries. Maybe it’s no one’s fault, but one person is still a jackass and the other a doormat. Hi dhali, Can you be specific in where you see “excusing behavior”? I didn’t catch it but if you can kindly point it out so I can know exactly what you are referring to, that would be great. |
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Post by iz42 on Sept 2, 2019 3:01:40 GMT
Dear averyleigh and @sherry , You have both given me a lot to think about and you insightful comments moved me. I want to thank you for taking the time to talk this through. I can see that it will take time but I will come out much stronger on the other side after focusing on myself. I don't have to allow myself to repeat these patterns even though they feel so ingrained. @sherry , your example of your friend was extremely clear and I see exactly what you're saying. I can recognize my part in things and work on changing my behavior in the future but it doesn't mean I am either helpless or completely at fault. averyleigh , thank you for sharing so much of your story and childhood. I'm so sorry you went through that. It sounds extremely painful. I know that as a child for me there was a lot of chaos and I felt like I had to protect my mom from my dad's abuse. I felt that I had keep it all together because things were constantly falling apart at the seams. I am working with a therapist but I can only see her a few times a month because she is very expensive and she only offers skype sessions. I'm going to look into more affordable options. Thanks again. I'm very grateful for your help. |
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Post by mrob on Sept 2, 2019 4:25:48 GMT
I love the simplicity of some people’s opinions. Jackass, doormat. Like everybody starts from the same blank sheet.
I don’t believe most people intend on treating people badly, but it is because of some impediment. I believe attachment theory is the lens through which I see life, subconsciously. Attachment theory is about the inside, about the subconscious.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2019 12:18:10 GMT
I love the simplicity of some people’s opinions. Jackass, doormat. Like everybody starts from the same blank sheet. I don’t believe most people intend on treating people badly, but it is because of some impediment. I believe attachment theory is the lens through which I see life, subconsciously. Attachment theory is about the inside, about the subconscious. The beauty of this simple classification system for individuals is that dhali won't mind being labeled a jackass. The other classification doesn't seem to fit so that one is clearly, simply, the way to go. 😄 |
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Post by iz42 on Sept 3, 2019 2:37:53 GMT
Reflecting on the past week or so with no contact, I feel a lot of relief. It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I've been so determined to try to get this person to love me for so long that I have forgotten that life doesn't actually have to be that painful all the time. And I'd forgotten that I can take care of myself. I didn't think I could get to this place.
I know it's hard to imagine why I would get involved with someone with severe alcoholism and why I would agree to remain friends even while he cycled through dating other people. I know how bad that looks. So bad that I've been too scared to tell my therapist the whole truth until recently. None of this is to excuse my own behavior, I just want to process a bit. When he's attentive, my ex is smart and kind and fun to be around. He's charming and successful in his career. In the 4 years I've known him, the drinking was always bad, but he managed to hold down jobs and stay pretty functional until recently. We supported each other through major life changes. Though he broke up with me in the end, I was at a breaking point with the drinking and was ready to end things myself. But he seemed to want to sustain the same level of closeness as before, and I thought I loved him. I was so determined to get validation and scared to let go. I thought that if he could go to rehab and get therapy we could work things out. He knew he needed help for his drinking but he seemed less interested in working on emotional or attachment issues. I still believed that if I tried hard enough I could magically get him to treat me better and that he would change his mind and want to get back together as he had once in the past. It felt like a major betrayal when he got into other relationships (twice), but they only lasted about a month both times and then he came back. I think I was in denial about what I was doing during that time. He doesn't seem to tolerate being single very well but he is also avoidant (FA I guess). He insists that the person he's seeing now is not his girlfriend. It's none of my business and I feel like she can deal with him now.
I think I just really believed that I could make him love me and my anxiety triggered by the intermittent attention drove me to do things that I never imagined I would do, put up with things that should have been intolerable. Since we broke up I've been going through a career transition and living with my mom. I had also gained a lot of weight during the relationship -- stress and not taking great care of myself. So I have felt too ashamed to date. I've felt stuck and like a failure in my life in a lot of ways at this moment and I didn't think anyone else would be interested. So I just kept settling for this shitty situation. Wasting so. much. time. I still live with my mom but I'm trying to get my own place and I feel like once I'm able to heal from this mess I will eventually gain confidence and be able to find a healthy relationship.
This was my first avoidant partner and I have never dated someone with active substance abuse issues before. I have had crushes on unavailable men in the past and was preoccupied in those situations but I never actually dated them. Though I was warned about the push-pull thing, it's hard to understand what it feels like until you experience it. I honestly can't believe what I allowed myself to put up with. It was like my whole value system and core beliefs slowly eroded. And I let it happen. I take responsibility for that. Lots to think about. I really appreciate this forum.
P.S. I will post in the AP forum from now on. Probably should have put this update there instead of here. I will delete the post if it doesn’t belong here.
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Post by averyleigh on Sept 3, 2019 10:00:36 GMT
Reflecting on the past week or so with no contact, I feel a lot of relief. It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I've been so determined to try to get this person to love me for so long that I have forgotten that life doesn't actually have to be that painful all the time. And I'd forgotten that I can take care of myself. I didn't think I could get to this place. I know it's hard to imagine why I would get involved with someone with severe alcoholism and why I would agree to remain friends even while he cycled through dating other people. I know how bad that looks. So bad that I've been too scared to tell my therapist the whole truth until recently. None of this is to excuse my own behavior, I just want to process a bit. When he's attentive, my ex is smart and kind and fun to be around. He's charming and successful in his career. In the 4 years I've known him, the drinking was always bad, but he managed to hold down jobs and stay pretty functional until recently. We supported each other through major life changes. Though he broke up with me in the end, I was at a breaking point with the drinking and was ready to end things myself. But he seemed to want to sustain the same level of closeness as before, and I thought I loved him. I was so determined to get validation and scared to let go. I thought that if he could go to rehab and get therapy we could work things out. He knew he needed help for his drinking but he seemed less interested in working on emotional or attachment issues. I still believed that if I tried hard enough I could magically get him to treat me better and that he would change his mind and want to get back together as he had once in the past. It felt like a major betrayal when he got into other relationships (twice), but they only lasted about a month both times and then he came back. I think I was in denial about what I was doing during that time. He doesn't seem to tolerate being single very well but he is also avoidant (FA I guess). He insists that the person he's seeing now is not his girlfriend. It's none of my business and I feel like she can deal with him now. I think I just really believed that I could make him love me and my anxiety triggered by the intermittent attention drove me to do things that I never imagined I would do, put up with things that should have been intolerable. Since we broke up I've been going through a career transition and living with my mom. I had also gained a lot of weight during the relationship -- stress and not taking great care of myself. So I have felt too ashamed to date. I've felt stuck and like a failure in my life in a lot of ways at this moment and I didn't think anyone else would be interested. So I just kept settling for this shitty situation. Wasting so. much. time. I still live with my mom but I'm trying to get my own place and I feel like once I'm able to heal from this mess I will eventually gain confidence and be able to find a healthy relationship. This was my first avoidant partner and I have never dated someone with active substance abuse issues before. I have had crushes on unavailable men in the past and was preoccupied in those situations but I never actually dated them. Though I was warned about the push-pull thing, it's hard to understand what it feels like until you experience it. I honestly can't believe what I allowed myself to put up with. It was like my whole value system and core beliefs slowly eroded. And I let it happen. I take responsibility for that. Lots to think about. I really appreciate this forum. P.S. I will post in the AP forum from now on. Probably should have put this update there instead of here. I will delete the post if it doesn’t belong here. Hi iz42, I am heartbroken reading this because I truly can sense you are in pain. I am going to remind you that you need not to be ashamed of what has transpired in your relationship. We are given the same lessons (in different forms) until we learn from them; all of us. Feeling shame for what you see is a “failure in loving yourself” won’t help your recovery; you need to do the opposite and love yourself a bit harder. If you get stuck try to imagine your loved one in this situation, and what you would do if he/she read your last post to you. You would probably give them a massive hug and tell them they are already ok as is. I don’t think you understand how the people reading your post see you, but we see you as a survivor making breakthroughs and embarking upon more breakthroughs. We don’t think shameful, we don’t see failure, no one thinks chubby loser. Who doesn’t gain and lose weight under depression and stress?!  Also if there were ever a time to need help and comfort from a loved one, it would be now. Going to family for support is exactly what you need. You need to create a cocoon of safety and love to heal and get back up again, no shame in that! What you have dealt with is such an huge ordeal so please make space and be kind to yourself. The kinder you are to yourself, the more you will realize what you actually deserve in your life. You will notice the people you start to surround yourself will be a bit different and don’t trigger you to make anxious decisions or compromise what matters to you. You are changing so much and improving for yourself and it’s uplifting and incredible to hear. Thank you so much for sharing; it also really helps me. |
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Post by 8675309 on Sept 3, 2019 12:07:25 GMT
Nobody is perfect and even secures can act a fool. Dont beat yourself up, just recognize, own it and move on from it. We are humans that makes mistakes not just an attachment system.
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Post by dhali on Sept 3, 2019 22:54:16 GMT
Reflecting on the past week or so with no contact, I feel a lot of relief. It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I've been so determined to try to get this person to love me for so long that I have forgotten that life doesn't actually have to be that painful all the time. And I'd forgotten that I can take care of myself. I didn't think I could get to this place. I know it's hard to imagine why I would get involved with someone with severe alcoholism and why I would agree to remain friends even while he cycled through dating other people. I know how bad that looks. So bad that I've been too scared to tell my therapist the whole truth until recently. None of this is to excuse my own behavior, I just want to process a bit. When he's attentive, my ex is smart and kind and fun to be around. He's charming and successful in his career. In the 4 years I've known him, the drinking was always bad, but he managed to hold down jobs and stay pretty functional until recently. We supported each other through major life changes. Though he broke up with me in the end, I was at a breaking point with the drinking and was ready to end things myself. But he seemed to want to sustain the same level of closeness as before, and I thought I loved him. I was so determined to get validation and scared to let go. I thought that if he could go to rehab and get therapy we could work things out. He knew he needed help for his drinking but he seemed less interested in working on emotional or attachment issues. I still believed that if I tried hard enough I could magically get him to treat me better and that he would change his mind and want to get back together as he had once in the past. It felt like a major betrayal when he got into other relationships (twice), but they only lasted about a month both times and then he came back. I think I was in denial about what I was doing during that time. He doesn't seem to tolerate being single very well but he is also avoidant (FA I guess). He insists that the person he's seeing now is not his girlfriend. It's none of my business and I feel like she can deal with him now. I think I just really believed that I could make him love me and my anxiety triggered by the intermittent attention drove me to do things that I never imagined I would do, put up with things that should have been intolerable. Since we broke up I've been going through a career transition and living with my mom. I had also gained a lot of weight during the relationship -- stress and not taking great care of myself. So I have felt too ashamed to date. I've felt stuck and like a failure in my life in a lot of ways at this moment and I didn't think anyone else would be interested. So I just kept settling for this shitty situation. Wasting so. much. time. I still live with my mom but I'm trying to get my own place and I feel like once I'm able to heal from this mess I will eventually gain confidence and be able to find a healthy relationship. This was my first avoidant partner and I have never dated someone with active substance abuse issues before. I have had crushes on unavailable men in the past and was preoccupied in those situations but I never actually dated them. Though I was warned about the push-pull thing, it's hard to understand what it feels like until you experience it. I honestly can't believe what I allowed myself to put up with. It was like my whole value system and core beliefs slowly eroded. And I let it happen. I take responsibility for that. Lots to think about. I really appreciate this forum. P.S. I will post in the AP forum from now on. Probably should have put this update there instead of here. I will delete the post if it doesn’t belong here. Bravo! Just bravo. Welcome back! Keep up the good work. And next time you identify an emotionally unavailable person, run. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2019 23:59:54 GMT
Reflecting on the past week or so with no contact, I feel a lot of relief. It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I've been so determined to try to get this person to love me for so long that I have forgotten that life doesn't actually have to be that painful all the time. And I'd forgotten that I can take care of myself. I didn't think I could get to this place. I know it's hard to imagine why I would get involved with someone with severe alcoholism and why I would agree to remain friends even while he cycled through dating other people. I know how bad that looks. So bad that I've been too scared to tell my therapist the whole truth until recently. None of this is to excuse my own behavior, I just want to process a bit. When he's attentive, my ex is smart and kind and fun to be around. He's charming and successful in his career. In the 4 years I've known him, the drinking was always bad, but he managed to hold down jobs and stay pretty functional until recently. We supported each other through major life changes. Though he broke up with me in the end, I was at a breaking point with the drinking and was ready to end things myself. But he seemed to want to sustain the same level of closeness as before, and I thought I loved him. I was so determined to get validation and scared to let go. I thought that if he could go to rehab and get therapy we could work things out. He knew he needed help for his drinking but he seemed less interested in working on emotional or attachment issues. I still believed that if I tried hard enough I could magically get him to treat me better and that he would change his mind and want to get back together as he had once in the past. It felt like a major betrayal when he got into other relationships (twice), but they only lasted about a month both times and then he came back. I think I was in denial about what I was doing during that time. He doesn't seem to tolerate being single very well but he is also avoidant (FA I guess). He insists that the person he's seeing now is not his girlfriend. It's none of my business and I feel like she can deal with him now. I think I just really believed that I could make him love me and my anxiety triggered by the intermittent attention drove me to do things that I never imagined I would do, put up with things that should have been intolerable. Since we broke up I've been going through a career transition and living with my mom. I had also gained a lot of weight during the relationship -- stress and not taking great care of myself. So I have felt too ashamed to date. I've felt stuck and like a failure in my life in a lot of ways at this moment and I didn't think anyone else would be interested. So I just kept settling for this shitty situation. Wasting so. much. time. I still live with my mom but I'm trying to get my own place and I feel like once I'm able to heal from this mess I will eventually gain confidence and be able to find a healthy relationship. This was my first avoidant partner and I have never dated someone with active substance abuse issues before. I have had crushes on unavailable men in the past and was preoccupied in those situations but I never actually dated them. Though I was warned about the push-pull thing, it's hard to understand what it feels like until you experience it. I honestly can't believe what I allowed myself to put up with. It was like my whole value system and core beliefs slowly eroded. And I let it happen. I take responsibility for that. Lots to think about. I really appreciate this forum. P.S. I will post in the AP forum from now on. Probably should have put this update there instead of here. I will delete the post if it doesn’t belong here. No, you're good! It's a great update to your original and it belongs here. You're on the right track! Good job! |
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Also if there were ever a time to need help and comfort from a loved one, it would be now. Going to family for support is exactly what you need. You need to create a cocoon of safety and love to heal and get back up again, no shame in that!