DA or FA patterns

Hi iz42,
[bre]I am heartbroken reading this because I truly can sense you are in pain. I am going to remind you that you need not to be ashamed of what has transpired in your relationship. We are given the same lessons (in different forms) until we learn from them; all of us.

Feeling shame for what you see is a “failure in loving yourself” won’t help your recovery; you need to do the opposite and love yourself a bit harder. If you get stuck try to imagine your loved one in this situation, and what you would do if he/she read your last post to you. You would probably give them a massive hug and tell them they are already ok as is.

I don’t think you understand how the people reading your post see you, but we see you as a survivor making breakthroughs and embarking upon more breakthroughs. We don’t think shameful, we don’t see failure, no one thinks chubby loser. Who doesn’t gain and lose weight under depression and stress?! Also if there were ever a time to need help and comfort from a loved one, it would be now. Going to family for support is exactly what you need. You need to create a cocoon of safety and love to heal and get back up again, no shame in that!



What you have dealt with is such an huge ordeal so please make space and be kind to yourself. The kinder you are to yourself, the more you will realize what you actually deserve in your life. You will notice the people you start to surround yourself will be a bit different and don’t trigger you to make anxious decisions or compromise what matters to you.

You are changing so much and improving for yourself and it’s uplifting and incredible to hear. Thank you so much for sharing; it also really helps me.


[/quote]


Thank you averyleigh. I appreciate what you said about family support. You’re right. It’s just that I feel that I’m not a proper adult as long as I’m staying with my mom. I know it wasn’t the intention of anyone here but the reason I felt I needed to go into detail about the context was that I struggled with the response to my initial post — the way I read those comments was people were saying that I was in denial about his alcoholism (that I didn’t realize how codependent I was, and that I needed to wake up and take responsibility for my broken attachment style), which was understandable. I didn’t sense much compassion in some of those initial responses. And maybe that’s because it seemed that I was putting all of the blame on my ex, or blaming his attachment style when really it was really his severe alcoholism that was involved in our dynamic. I have been extremely ashamed of my behavior and codependency in this relationship all along and I expressed a desire to cut off contact. So i guess it seemed a bit harsh for people to suggest that I was in denial. I know that I could have taken more responsibility in the initial post in terms of my own attachment style. And this was not necessarily the right forum to go looking for empathy. I just want to say that codependency is a controversial term and I think it carries some complexities. And I have been severely depressed so it’s likely that I have been reading things through that lens. It’s still very hard but I hope things continue to improve as I work through my own attachment issues. [/quote]



Hi iz42,

Being an adult means knowing when to ask for help. You are using this forum and asking family for help to cope with your situation.

Like I mentioned in the last post, thinking negatively towards yourself will exacerbate your anxious tendencies. If this happened to your close friend who was hurting and she moved in with her family temporarily, would you tell her she isn’t an adult? I highly doubt it. I would actively try to parent that part of you that wants to shame or say negative things towards yourself and treat yourself in a loving manner.

Many of the people on this forum vary, some being miles ahead in working on themselves to freshly just learned about attachment theory. Everyone on here in some way, shape or form has been burned by others with some being aware and unaware that they were half of what happened... because that takes work, loads and loads of work to finally see past the flames of anger & pain and actually see what their part in their situation. (myself included, I’m learning everyday) We are all suffering from different situations and carry our own biases.

Also some people in this forum have heard it all, possibly even jaded to the many versions of the same stories and may seem a bit cold in their delivery but my sense is that they mean well...they just are months/years ahead of you and are trying to save you some money by basically telling you what your future therapist is going to tell you but for free.

In all honesty, no matter what others told me, when I wasn’t ready to hear it, what they said fell on deaf ears. I was focused on trying to have people on my side and validate my needs (also a need stemming from childhood trauma) I felt that if people didn’t empathize with me meant they were not supportive of me. That wasn’t the case for me and my sense is this isn’t the case for you as well.

It took me a loooooong time to recognize what was happening wasn’t just happening to me, but I was allowing it. I wasn’t taking agency.

Best way to describe it is, how would an AP person be aware of healthy boundaries if he/she stays in a painful relationship after being constantly pushed away. If this same AP person doesn’t recognize their own boundaries/feelings, how do you think he/she is managing the boundaries of others (separate beings with different backgrounds and upbringing, who maybe more aware or rigid with their boundaries)? Something to think about.

Codependency sounds less cool than avoidant/independent. But all of it is painful shit. Codependency gets a bad rep because it is unhealthy and toxic and dependency gets a bad rep because society tell us you are awesome if you can do it all by yourself.
No one wants to feel like they rely so much on other’s opinions to fuel their self esteem, but let’s be clear that dependency isn’t bad. Learning to depend on others is good; especially if you can learn to depend on ones that are emotionally available. Learning to depend on oneself is also good, especially if you can learn to be vulnerable enough ask for help and support when you need it.

Most people in the forum were really up front when you mentioned your guy was an alcoholic because they just wanted you to get out asap and not be stuck feeling responsible for another humans life. Only people that care would be that honest.

It is so vital for you to be okay and secure with who you are as a person without it being intertwined with the well being of another.
The reason of why someone is codependent is the same as someone who is avoidant, in the fact that it is related to inconsistent care taking, the coping/ survival/ stress management skills from our very beginning. The way our parents/caretakers handled us was completely out of our control but now we have a chance to examine ourselves. We have the ability to make changes and correct our coping skills to survive our adult life. That’s not a bad thing; it’s a difficult and wonderful thing.

Also a lot of what may seem like strong reactions from FA/DA is complex; I noticed many who comment are able to differentiate facts from feelings & also it’s possible they are tired of being demonized by scorned AP’s while being pumped for information on how to decipher/decode their personal DA’s (as if there is a one size fits all answer/as if we can manipulate a situation or a person)

Know that all these posts/replies take precious time and are actually golden nuggets. It is possible they are being delivered earlier than you are ready to receive it.

I reckon if you come back to read them maybe 5-12 weeks from now they may resonate when you are in a less vulnerable and anxious state.
A lot of what I read and advice i heard in the very beginning didn’t resonate with me at all.
I was too hurt, too worn, and defensive to see how people’s advice would actually help me. I just wasn’t ready to hear it. After months and months of working on myself, I was able to remove shame to create space and love myself and to take in the advice that had been given to me...to truly see if for what it is.

I can assure you of two things, things won’t always feel this bad and you are going to grow/learn more about yourself after this experience if you use this forum coupled with self help reading/ counseling.

Hope you are taking good care of yourself.