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Post by alexandra on Sept 3, 2019 15:38:23 GMT
What are your dealbreakers ? What kind of relationship do You want ? Have You made a lovevision ? Where are you in your life, where is he in his life ? If you have got some desorganised or ambivalent attatchment style your body can cheat on you. This means, that it can be difficult to feel and trust your own intuition, your own bodysensations or if you are dissociated, you possibly can't feel anything. This is a better summary of what I've been trying to say! |
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Post by hannah99 on Sept 3, 2019 16:21:54 GMT
Great advice guys.
I definitely don't trust my own intuition and my therapist says I should.
And I've decided I don't want to persue anything with this guy. We are in very different stages of our lives, he's fresh out of a relationship and I'm still on my journey to secure.
Making this kind of decision is unfamiliar for me. Scary and exciting!
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Post by alexandra on Sept 3, 2019 16:27:19 GMT
I definitely don't trust my own intuition and my therapist says I should. It was a turning point for me when I started really leaning into focusing on what my gut was saying instead of feeling it and just going with it. For example, concentrating on what was under the layers -- if I felt bad about something with a romantic partner, was the underlying issue really a them problem, a me problem, or an us problem? Being anxious-leaning and having issues self-regulating emotion, I'd often think everything was a them/us (our relationship) problem, but eventually I started figuring out when I was projecting my attachment issues. Once I got more practiced at sorting that out, I could start listening to my gut and communicating issues much better. And you can't do that in triggered moments. I'd basically have to go home and think about what I was feeling on my own for a couple days, at first. Then it got faster to sort through as I kept practicing. |
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Post by hannah99 on Sept 8, 2019 17:38:23 GMT
It has since transpired that he isn't looking for a relationship and wants something more casual.
I think there are enough red flags here to know I should stay away and yet I'm still in contact with him.
Not really sure how to break it off when I'm enjoying speaking to him.
I'm aware this is a step backwards for me.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 8, 2019 18:45:45 GMT
It has since transpired that he isn't looking for a relationship and wants something more casual. I think there are enough red flags here to know I should stay away and yet I'm still in contact with him. Not really sure how to break it off when I'm enjoying speaking to him. I'm aware this is a step backwards for me. A more secure action would be to tell him you enjoy his company but are looking for something more serious and to reach back out if/when he's ready, assuming he's on the rebound and his desire for casual isn't attachment-related. Or, to be just friends with no expectations so you can get to know each other but not friends with benefits (if you don't want to ruin more serious chances in the future by having a situationship). |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 8, 2019 22:03:59 GMT
I actually had the reverse conversation with my brother today....he was thinking that a woman he was seeing casually was trying to make it more committed. He thought about ending it over text and I suggested he meet with her and put out there that he was looking for something casual and if she wanted the same, great...if not, she would then be free to find a more suitable partner.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 8, 2019 22:19:06 GMT
I actually had the reverse conversation with my brother today....he was thinking that a woman he was seeing casually was trying to make it more committed. He thought about ending it over text and I suggested he meet with her and put out there that he was looking for something casual and if she wanted the same, great...if not, she would then be free to find a more suitable partner. I agree, best to put it out there and see how the other person responds... but what I don't understand is casual to me generally means having a shelf-life. But I feel like anyone who has tried that with me doesn't want to commit but also doesn't ever want it to end, which at least at my life stage ends up wasting both our time eventually and ends in a "break up" of sorts. So, if you're pursuing that line of thinking, it still helps to make sure everyone's got the same definition of casual. |
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Post by mrob on Sept 8, 2019 22:39:21 GMT
It has since transpired that he isn't looking for a relationship and wants something more casual. I think there are enough red flags here to know I should stay away and yet I'm still in contact with him. Not really sure how to break it off when I'm enjoying speaking to him. I'm aware this is a step backwards for me. That’s the same gender divide in action. I’ve not met a woman in 4 years out, that doesn’t want to cohabitate eventually. That seems to be consistent. |
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Post by 8675309 on Sept 9, 2019 10:30:04 GMT
It has since transpired that he isn't looking for a relationship and wants something more casual. I think there are enough red flags here to know I should stay away and yet I'm still in contact with him. Not really sure how to break it off when I'm enjoying speaking to him. I'm aware this is a step backwards for me. That’s the same gender divide in action. I’ve not met a woman in 4 years out, that doesn’t want to cohabitate eventually. That seems to be consistent. This will be a harder thing in our age range as thats where people are looking to grow. Well most are at any age eventually but us 'oldies' it tends to be more on the 'fast track' to cohabitation/marriage. there is also a batch of women out there seeking resources and a man to take care of them so they will want to move more quickly on this. Seems more prominent in the 35+ women.
I will have this same problem on my side as Im not looking to cohabitate any time soon and Im a 'marriage phobe'.
I personally think many jump into cohabitation in the first year or two. In my personal experience it takes at least three years for ones truest colors to show. I learned that lesson the hard way once. Not a bad relation but we moved faster than should have and we should of waited as we failed. The break up would have been 'easier' if we didn't cohabitate yet.
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Post by mrob on Sept 9, 2019 13:37:18 GMT
Well, that one just dropped off tonight. The lesson? I have to take the risk to love. I’m not sure I want to do that. The house is a bloody sticking point again. Sometimes i think it’d be nicer without it, but it’s destitution if I don’t, and I won’t be destitute for anyone. I guess I’m destined for a life of solitude. 8675309, that’s what I knew in my early 30s. My ex-wife is a couple of years older than me, a very well paid professional, and she wanted a family. It was now or never. The urgency. She took a lot of risks, but there was one I wasn’t willing to take and it broke us. This house. It wasn’t why we divorced, but my intransigence was one very big reason. What I don’t understand is how this Princess vision is so pervasive. Chasing the myth. The company isn’t worth the risk. That is now something I have to come to terms with. |
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Post by hannah99 on Sept 9, 2019 17:55:49 GMT
Actually mrob,I've done casual and I think I want something casual now...BUT it's a dangerous zone and I don't know if I think I want causal cause I'm da at the beginning.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 10, 2019 2:28:36 GMT
I. am not a good fit for anyone who wants “casual” as I tend to be all in from the beginning. I agree about taking time before too much physicality and co habitating. I failed on both fronts....we were physical from day 1 and 7.5 months in he wanted keys so that he did not need to wait on me. We only lasted 3 months after that. I think I should have been up front about what I wanted...but I was so scared of losing him and I foolishly thought if I just showed him love, affection, admiration, respect etc. he would grow to want a commitment.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2019 5:12:48 GMT
Well, that one just dropped off tonight. The lesson? I have to take the risk to love. I’m not sure I want to do that. The house is a bloody sticking point again. Sometimes i think it’d be nicer without it, but it’s destitution if I don’t, and I won’t be destitute for anyone. I guess I’m destined for a life of solitude. 8675309 , that’s what I knew in my early 30s. My ex-wife is a couple of years older than me, a very well paid professional, and she wanted a family. It was now or never. The urgency. She took a lot of risks, but there was one I wasn’t willing to take and it broke us. This house. It wasn’t why we divorced, but my intransigence was one very big reason. What I don’t understand is how this Princess vision is so pervasive. Chasing the myth. The company isn’t worth the risk. That is now something I have to come to terms with. sorry maybe I missed something and thus don't fully understand what you've just said. What's this princess vision you speak of? |
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Post by 8675309 on Sept 10, 2019 11:33:42 GMT
Well, that one just dropped off tonight. The lesson? I have to take the risk to love. I’m not sure I want to do that. The house is a bloody sticking point again. Sometimes i think it’d be nicer without it, but it’s destitution if I don’t, and I won’t be destitute for anyone. I guess I’m destined for a life of solitude. 8675309 , that’s what I knew in my early 30s. My ex-wife is a couple of years older than me, a very well paid professional, and she wanted a family. It was now or never. The urgency. She took a lot of risks, but there was one I wasn’t willing to take and it broke us. This house. It wasn’t why we divorced, but my intransigence was one very big reason. What I don’t understand is how this Princess vision is so pervasive. Chasing the myth. The company isn’t worth the risk. That is now something I have to come to terms with. sorry maybe I missed something and thus don't fully understand what you've just said. What's this princess vision you speak of? My version is some women are taught they are a princess and entitled to whatever they want thinking life is some Disney fairy tail.
This is something I was enlightened to by watching Red Pill content as I didnt grow up this way.
mrob You are not destined to live a life of solitude. We are actually biologically wired not to be alone. It just going to take the right person. You are now woke, its just a harder for you. Heck its even harder for me as a secure. Its actually a harder battle for anyone 35+ as the dating pool is filled with 'left overs'. Just something we are stuck dealing with, is what it is and I wont give up and I hope you dont either mrob.
On a side note for anyone here. If dating sites are used much of the people there are 'broken'. While I have no factual data maybe 10% of the people are going to be 'normal' and the rest are 'broken'. Broken as in dont look within healing and carrying baggage they have not packed up yet.(not saying they are bad people) All of us have baggage but those of us here are working on that, most people do not. They play victim running on the insanity wheel not seeing the part they played when their relationships fail just jumping into the next. Its a narcs play ground too. Also dating sites have created a grass is greener mentality, people are missing out on good people and keep swiping....
My personal experience with my short stints on dating sites years back, 8 out of 10 profiles I read screamed I have baggage I have not dealt with. I never made it more than a month using a site! LOL
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Post by mrob on Sept 10, 2019 12:11:39 GMT
Why does it either have to be casual, no strings, or full on live in with progression to marriage? Why does it have to be so black and white? Isn’t there a middle way that isn’t sleazy? Through this, I’ve seen the anxious side rather than my avoidant side come out. It’s been interesting to watch, but sad to be in, if that makes any sense. 8675309, I agree about the dating sites. Jeb’s book sums up middle age dating very well. The princess thing.... life isn’t a fairy tale. It doesn’t go to timetable, and you don’t end up living on the canals driving a Mercedes. And I won’t pay for it. I’m flat out supporting myself. Sometimes, you just have to let go of the fairytale and live life as it comes. I don’t understand why people try to do the same things over and again that fail. |
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