Post by tiffster on Sept 15, 2019 16:44:56 GMT
I believe that I am anxious and my ex is avoidant though when I take diagnostics I routinely switch between secure and anxious. He feels fearful avoidant to me.
We have been together off and on for 4 years. I’ve always wanted to get married...him, not so much.
We have problems communicating. He stonewalls. I resort to protest behavior. We lived together for 2.5 years and he asked me to marry him last spring. He turned to me on the couch and said...”ya wanna get hitched?” I said yes and he let him know that I would love a ring and he got pissed at me for wanting a ring. Said I was vain. When I shared our engagement news with friends and family...he asked if telling them satisfied my vanity. That is ultimately what brought our relationship to a close. Me feeling like he’d asked me but was saying and doing everything to sabotage. We got into an argument at a wedding and that was the end of that.
We do love each other deeply. Outside of his a-hole comments about marriage, he is deeply loving and kind. Super helpful and supportive. He talks about the future a lot but when it comes to actually making concrete plans, he freaks out a little bit.
I have a demanding career and he has been supportive in that. But also resentful. He felt that I worked too much. I felt hesitant to reduce my work schedule if he didn’t feel strongly enough to want to move our relationship towards a more serious commitment.
I have seen a therapist for the past 3 years. My ex and I had a few couples sessions with her over the years.
She says that our problems are solvable and that this is about a lack of vulnerability between us, not compatibility. That we continually trigger each other. And that the best way to work on these triggers that stem from childhood are in the context of our relationship. While also working on childhood trauma individually. Though I’ve known about attachment theory for 2 years, I only recently started seeing what huge part the anxious-avoidant trap has played in our relationship.
Ex has admitted that he wants to be together but is terrified that we will continue to hurt each other. He agreed to therapy bi-weekly and we started last week. The session was great and we spent some time together afterwards. We plan on seeing each other once a week. We’ll study together on our off-weeks from therapy and then will do therapy and spend the evening together on the other weeks. I want to be with him but I do want to work on our trauma and figure our these triggers. The hard part for me as the more anxious partner is obviously the potential and hope of a continued relationship. As a fearful avoidant my ex definitely enjoys and benefits from our time together while simultaneously throwing in some distancing behavior here and there.
I think it’s a big deal that we’ve agreed to go to counseling together. Whether the outcome is that we learn more about healing ourselves and continue to go our separate ways or work to heal ourselves and our relationship...I don’t think we can lose.
What is concerning to me is how anxious I feel in the interim. Is the risk worth the reward? I do find myself preoccupied with our relationship and wonder how much better off I would be if we just went our separate ways and went completely NC. I am working towards becoming more earned secure and am working on soothing myself. I do see how it would be beneficial for me to be able to capitalize on the four years of our relationship to learn and be better.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Been through couples therapy with an avoidant and it worked? Or been through couples therapy and parted ways for good?
We have been together off and on for 4 years. I’ve always wanted to get married...him, not so much.
We have problems communicating. He stonewalls. I resort to protest behavior. We lived together for 2.5 years and he asked me to marry him last spring. He turned to me on the couch and said...”ya wanna get hitched?” I said yes and he let him know that I would love a ring and he got pissed at me for wanting a ring. Said I was vain. When I shared our engagement news with friends and family...he asked if telling them satisfied my vanity. That is ultimately what brought our relationship to a close. Me feeling like he’d asked me but was saying and doing everything to sabotage. We got into an argument at a wedding and that was the end of that.
We do love each other deeply. Outside of his a-hole comments about marriage, he is deeply loving and kind. Super helpful and supportive. He talks about the future a lot but when it comes to actually making concrete plans, he freaks out a little bit.
I have a demanding career and he has been supportive in that. But also resentful. He felt that I worked too much. I felt hesitant to reduce my work schedule if he didn’t feel strongly enough to want to move our relationship towards a more serious commitment.
I have seen a therapist for the past 3 years. My ex and I had a few couples sessions with her over the years.
She says that our problems are solvable and that this is about a lack of vulnerability between us, not compatibility. That we continually trigger each other. And that the best way to work on these triggers that stem from childhood are in the context of our relationship. While also working on childhood trauma individually. Though I’ve known about attachment theory for 2 years, I only recently started seeing what huge part the anxious-avoidant trap has played in our relationship.
Ex has admitted that he wants to be together but is terrified that we will continue to hurt each other. He agreed to therapy bi-weekly and we started last week. The session was great and we spent some time together afterwards. We plan on seeing each other once a week. We’ll study together on our off-weeks from therapy and then will do therapy and spend the evening together on the other weeks. I want to be with him but I do want to work on our trauma and figure our these triggers. The hard part for me as the more anxious partner is obviously the potential and hope of a continued relationship. As a fearful avoidant my ex definitely enjoys and benefits from our time together while simultaneously throwing in some distancing behavior here and there.
I think it’s a big deal that we’ve agreed to go to counseling together. Whether the outcome is that we learn more about healing ourselves and continue to go our separate ways or work to heal ourselves and our relationship...I don’t think we can lose.
What is concerning to me is how anxious I feel in the interim. Is the risk worth the reward? I do find myself preoccupied with our relationship and wonder how much better off I would be if we just went our separate ways and went completely NC. I am working towards becoming more earned secure and am working on soothing myself. I do see how it would be beneficial for me to be able to capitalize on the four years of our relationship to learn and be better.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Been through couples therapy with an avoidant and it worked? Or been through couples therapy and parted ways for good?